CHAPTER 26

CHAPTER 26

Cynthia

There’s a deranged shifter stalking me.

I know that as I sit alone in this motel room, looking at the walls. But I can’t find it in myself to care. Even if he were to burst inside and attack me, I don’t think I would have the strength to stop him. I might just welcome it.

Four years, I muse wearily, sitting on the bed and looking at my feet. I spent four years building up my self-esteem, my pride, my confidence. I was proud of myself. I managed to build a life for myself and my daughter. Things were going so well. I should have known it was too good to be true. When have things ever gone right for me?

Perhaps this is what they call destiny. My destiny was always to be like this, useless, someone to be manipulated.

I wish I could cry and rage, but I feel like a husk, empty from the inside.

It’s as if Adam took everything out of me, away from me. The only thing left is Riya, and I’ve proven to myself that I’m unable to keep her safe. If I had been more vigilant, I would have realized it sooner. There are so many things bothering me about this. How long has he been following us? Has he interacted with Riya at any point? Has he interacted with me? Do I know him?

It took Adam just a couple of minutes to realize we had a stalker.

I bury my head in my hands.

Every person in my life was planted there by Adam.

I feel worthless and small. My wolf feels betrayed. There’s an air of finality within me. All this time, from the moment Jonathan bound me to him in that slavery contract, it was my wolf who fought and resisted. But today, it’s given up.

I know I should get up and try again.

My life isn’t over.

I should fight for my daughter.

But what would be the point?

Riya is so young. Just a couple of months with Adam and she’ll forget all about me. He can give her the life I never could, the safety I clearly cannot provide. Until now, she’s been raised on everything he provided. If I put my emotions aside and think about what is best for Riya, it is Adam. And when it comes to my baby, I can walk away from her if it means a better life for her, a safer life. Tina is a good person. She will be a good mother to Riya.

My heart is being shredded as I think of all this, as I realize that walking away is the best course of action.

Does it make me a bad mother? I don’t know. At this point, I don’t know anything.

I don’t know what I will do now.

I get to my feet and stare outside the motel window at the parking lot. I don’t want to do anything. I just want to close my eyes and sleep. I don’t want to wake up. I’m so tired of hurting. My wolf wants to close its eyes. It’s done fighting. First, Jonathon and Norman. Then it was Adam. And then, it was Maya and Tony. I drag myself back to the bed and curl up on the sheets.

The room is paid for a couple of weeks.

I used cash.

Nobody will find me. This motel is outside city limits.

My eyes flutter shut.

I don’t want to wake up anymore. I don’t want to fight for anything anymore. Let me sleep.

*****

Sometimes, the soul is so badly scarred that the body needs to rest.

I lose track of time. There is a dullness setting within me, and I can feel my wolf fading. I realize what it means. Our animals are resilient, but sometimes a trauma can even be too much for them. The sign of one’s animal fading away is never a good one. I should be contacting a healer right now, trying to revitalize my wolf, but the whole world seems dull and lifeless to me. Nothing is appealing to me, not food, not water. I can’t muster up the emotion to care about anything.

I spend the majority of my time sleeping. I’m not hungry, and aside from sips of water from the bathroom, I just lay in bed, my eyes closed. There comes a point when I don’t even crave water.

Was I always this weak-willed?

I must be.

My pride is in dust, the excitement and hope I used to have has been ground into the dirt, the trust that I had built, everything that I had survived to reach this point, all my efforts, they were in vain. I didn’t achieve anything by myself.

Riya must be missing me.

My daughter is a fleeting thought, and tears shed from my eyes as I lay in the bed, too weak to move.

She must be sad and confused. But her father is there now, and Adam will fill that hole in her heart. There’s nothing I can do for her anymore. I never deserved to be a mother. My fading wolf stirs at the thought of Riya. It rumbles in broken sounds, but that’s all it does.

I once again let myself fade into oblivion, hoping this is the last time.

****

It’s the sound of something heavy being hit that makes my eyes flutter open.

Hot breath on my face.

I look into the eyes of a man with a scar on his eyes.

I know who it is. He’s the same shifter who attacked me in the parking lot.

Did he come to finish the job?

I close my eyes, the will to live having seeped away a long time ago. I can hear the sound of tearing flesh, my blood thick in the air. And there is relief within me. Let me go now. I’m tired of it all. Let this be my fate.

But the heavens have decreed something else for me because the heavy weight of my attacker is suddenly gone, followed by an enraged roar. I can hear someone fighting, something breaking, but I hope it’s done. My body feels colder now, and I welcome it. I sink back into the darkness, feeling grateful for it all to finally end.

However, I feel myself moving.

Someone is carrying me.

Aren’t I dead?

"…do something."

"I’m sorry."

I hear voices, but they mean nothing to me. I cling to the darkness of the abyss, wanting to stay here, away from everything painful. I fought. I fought so hard for my freedom, to have some control of my own life, to be loved. I was meant to only taste the happiness and have it yanked away.

Warm golden energy is pouring into me, but my wolf refuses to accept it, driving it back. It wants peace, just like me. It wants to rest, to be away from the world that has only ever been cruel to us. But the warm energy keeps coming back, determined to find a way in.

My wolf is too tired to fight it.

Something warm is being forced down my throat. It’s an uncomfortable sensation. My body is rejecting it, but like the energy, it’s being forced into me.

The darkness is fading slowly, and try as I might, my hold on it is becoming weaker and weaker.

My wolf is deeply unhappy and listless, but it is no longer fading.

I once again sink into the abyss, only this time, there is no contentment within it, just a tiredness that I can’t shake off.

The next time when I wake up, I hear voices arguing.

"…should never have trusted you! She was doing fine until you came here!"

"I was trying to save her!"

"Her wolf is dying because of you."

Is that Tony’s voice?

"You could have avoided this whole situation had you just trusted her from the start! You could have broken the news to her in a more appropriate manner. You made this mess, Adam. You’re the reason she is like this. You should have never come here. You should have let her build her life the way she was."

"I never wanted this to happen."

That’s Adam. He sounds miserable.

I don’t want to hear anymore. I just want to sleep. I close my eyes.

This time when I wake up, someone is sitting by my side. It’s a familiar face.

Maya’s eyes widen. "Cynthia, you’re awa––"

"Don’t touch me," I manage to speak, my voice scratchy. I don’t have the strength to move my hand away from hers, but she drops mine automatically.

Her eyes grow wet. "Cynthia, please don’t be like this."

"I-I don’t want to see you," I struggle to say.

"You have to talk to someone." Maya wipes her eyes. "You can’t waste away like this. You have Riya to think of."

"Riya," I breathe, her very name, painful. I want to see her, but I squash the desire. "She has her father."

"Adam can never fulfill your absence," Maya responds. "He can’t be Riya’s mother!"

"He’ll give that role to Tina," I whisper, feeling weary.

"Cynthia," Maya lets out a moan, grabbing my hand, "that’s not how things are!"

"Leave me alone," I tell her, not wanting to hear anything. "I don’t want to see you or Tony again. You should’ve let me go. Why bring me back? Did Adam pay you? Is it amusing to watch me get trampled on?"

"No, no, no," Maya weeps brokenly. "Cynthia, things were so complicated. We had to get you out of there. We weren’t trying to hurt you!"

"I don’t want to listen to your lies." I give her a dull stare. "Why did you bring me here?"

"You were dying! That shifter had wounded you. You were––"

"I know," I state.

She lets out a broken sound as she catches on to my meaning.

I turn my head away. "Leave me."

Sobbing, she does so.

My heart doesn’t soften at her cries. It’s a cold broken stone inside me. Maybe to others, this might be an insignificant matter, but all my life I have struggled for control of my life or my decisions. I was a puppet for as long as I could remember, afraid to trust, afraid to love, bound by shackles. I risked everything for my freedom. I fought to control my life, and for four years, I thought everything I had was through my hard work because of my refusal to give up. To learn that even after my freedom, everything down to where I worked, and what I ate was all carefully manipulated by someone else. The knowledge that the people I had ultimately opened my heart to and given my trust had been working with that person all this time has been a blow I can’t seem to recover from.

I have no sympathy for Maya.

She manipulated me.

Had she or Tony told me even once that Adam was behind all this or given me the opportunity to take Riya and go somewhere far away, I would have forgiven their role in everything. But they handed over my daughter to Adam. They kept tabs on me for him. They were instrumental in this game of manipulation, and I despise them for it.

I don’t know where I am.

My wolf is more alert now but no less miserable.

I fade in and out of consciousness, and I try to remain asleep. Sleeping is a safe escape for me. I can feel there is something wrong with me, but it’s like all the strength has left me. I have a child who needs me, even when I think Riya will be better off with Adam, but I can’t get rid of this lifelessness within me. It’s as if there was a flame burning inside me and it’s completely extinguished.

I catch Adam’s scent around me, but I never see him. Wherever I am, when I wake up, I am alone. There are tubes attached to me, and I just don’t bother with them, letting myself slip away again.

Time is passing in a blurry state.

It’s the warm energy that has me stirring again, and this time, the person standing above me has me blinking.

"L-Lydia," I say weakly.

Healer Lydia smiles at me. "Cynthia. I’m glad to see you awake."

"When did you get here?"

"I’ve been here for two weeks now, trying to hold you to us."

She pulls up a chair and sits down beside me, her hand on mine. I can feel the healing energy pouring through where our skin is touching.

"Holding me to you?" I ask.

Lydia sighs. "You don’t know what’s going on, do you?"

"I want to sleep a lot."

"That’s because your wolf is fading. Your animal can only fade away if you face something so emotionally jarring that your connection begins to break."

I let out a sigh. "He betrayed me. Everyone did."

"No, they didn’t." Lydia squeezes my hands, her eyes angry. "But they were all fools. Adam thought he knew what was best for you. He should have taken you in confidence when things began to go south for him. He should have told you that he gave you the mating mark a long time ago. Instead, neither of you trusted each other, and this is the result of that."

"I didn’t do anything."

"No, you didn’t," Lydia agrees. "But you also didn’t give him the benefit of the doubt. You didn’t trust him, and you had good reason not to, given everything that you have suffered. He didn’t trust you because the blood debt was still tying you to his father."

"If you are here to defend Adam…" I begin, the tiredness within me shifting to make room for anger.

"I’m not," Lydia says, kindly now. "I’m not defending Adam at all. I am equally unhappy with him and how all of this happened." Her hand tightens around mine as she meets my gaze. "You are a strong woman, Cynthia. You have suffered and persevered. You have fought against all odds, and you have been a good mother. I hope you know that. And Adam can never take that away from you. Having a good job or owning an apartment doesn’t make you successful. You survived after everything you suffered. You refused to give up, and you raised a child, making sure she never faced what you did. That is defined as success. Anybody can live in a home and have a job, Cynthia. But not everyone can overcome what you did. You were a good mother to Riya, who is beautiful, by the way. And she’s doing well. She thinks you’ve gone on a small trip and is waiting for you. Adam and your friends have protected her from the truth."

"That I abandoned her?" I ask miserably.

"No," Lydia insists. "That everything you’ve been through accumulated until your wolf collapsed inside you. That you’re still here with us is a testament to the fact that you’ve not stopped fighting. Some part of you is still determined to claw its way back. Cynthia, our animals are strong, but even they can receive an emotional shock that cripples them."

She gets up and sits beside me on the bed. "Let me paint a picture of what is happening inside you right now. You saved each brick of a crumbling tower and over time you began to rebuild it. Your wolf began to piece you together. After years of not having a pack, of being isolated, your wolf formed its own pack with two people you trusted. You began to rebuild that crumbling tower. But when you realized what they had done, your wolf felt that its own pack betrayed it. And the tower crumbled again. We wolves, we thrive on our bonds with our pack. Because you were tied to Jonathon in a blood debt, your wolf wasn’t exposed to a pack. Remember when you first came into the infirmary?"

I nod, her healing energy thawing out some of the ice inside while my wolf lays its head on its paws, sullen and tired.

"I couldn’t understand why there was such a massive disconnect between your wolf and your human side. At the time, I thought it was because of your lack of shifting. It’s only once Tony told me about the blood debt and what you had been through that it hit me that Jonathon deliberately isolated your wolf. It’s a cruel torture method of olden times, one considered taboo in this day and age. Because of that, when you finally experienced a pack bonding, when you saw the betrayal, your wolf shattered. That’s why you want to sleep and you’re feeling so tired all the time. Your animal no longer wants to live, which is why your body is rejecting any nourishment we try to give it."

"I understand." I look away from her, toward the ceiling. "So, let me go."

Lydia’s hand tightens around mine. "There is a little girl waiting for you, Cynthia."

"Adam can––"

"No, he can’t," she interjects. "Adam isn’t you. Adam hasn’t raised her and loved her. And he will never separate the two of you, even if it means he has to leave you two alone."

My wolf shifts at her words, and I look at her. "What do you mean?"

Lydia’s voice is careful. "I need you to listen to me. When Adam did what he did, there were reasons. I’m not going to explain them to you. He is the one who messed up, so he should be the one to fix it. But let me tell you this, Cynthia. The man has been miserable for these past four years. He threw himself into the pack business. He ignored his health. He missed you terribly. His wolf missed you. But he made mistakes that he needs to fix now. If I had known, I would have warned him against this, but the damage has been done. I want you to listen to what they have to say. Maya, Tony, and Adam. This time, just listen, and then decide. Nobody had bad intentions. They manipulated you because they thought they were protecting you. That was a mistake on their part as well. But honey, Maya and Tony love you. It shows in their every action. Maya is due in two months, and she’s carrying twins on top of that, but for the past few weeks, she has not left your bedside. She hasn’t slept on a bed even though her back is killing her. She’s been crying nonstop. Tony has put his whole business on hold trying to make sure you are comfortable. Neither of them have let Adam anywhere near you."

Worry infiltrates the heaviness in my mind. "What do you mean she’s not slept properly? She’s expecting. She should be home."

"The healer has advised her to be on bed rest, as have I," Lydia sighs, "but she refuses. They do love you. And the people who love us make mistakes. For your sake and theirs, hear them out first, and if you’re ready, listen to what Adam has to say."

"I don’t want to see him."

"I know you don’t." She picks up my hand and puts it over where my heart is. "Your pride was hurt as well, and you can make him pay for it. But I guarantee you that you will need to hear him out. One thing I will tell you, and I will swear another oath for that, is that he fully intended to free you from the blood debt the moment he became Alpha."

"No, he didn’t. I overheard him––"

"He did." Lydia gives me a tight smile. "But he didn’t realize what you meant until Tony told him. And brainless fool that he is, he thought for sure that once he returned to your side after dealing with everything, you would be willing to have a civil conversation with him. If it was me, I would have smacked a frying pan on his face."

My lips curve and my wolf grunts in approval.

She smiles back at me. "The world is not over yet. You’ve faced plenty of hiccups in your journey, honey, and like each time, you’re going to pick yourself up and dust yourself off."

She strokes back my hair, her voice gentle now. "Sure, it’s going to take some time, some for you, more so for your wolf, but you’ll get there. I know you will. And I’ll be right here with you."

"You’ll stay?" I ask, her presence reassuring for some reason. "Of course. I took a leave of absence the moment Adam called me. I also gave him an earful. I would have boxed his ears, but he’s the alpha, and he also looked like he was on the verge of tears, so I didn’t. I’ll make sure you’re fully healed by the time I leave, whenever that is."

"Thank you." I feel my wolf lift its head.

Lydia kisses my forehead. "I have two daughters, you know. From the moment I saw you, you reminded me of my youngest one. Core of steel but still fragile. I have a somewhat soft corner for you. This time, I will make sure whatever you decide, nobody takes that choice away from you. If you want to take Riya and leave, then I will help you establish yourself wherever you want to go."

"Really?"

"Yes. I will go with you and stay with you until I am confident you will be fine. I did that for my oldest and then my youngest, and I can do that for you. But please, hear everyone out first."

I nod, some of the pressure on my chest easing. "Okay."

"Good." She smiles. "I’m bringing you some soup and I’ll feed it to you myself. Hopefully, you can keep that down."

I watch her get up and leave. When the door closes behind me, I feel my wolf’s uncertainty, but there is also a hint of renewed energy within me. Maybe it’s the healing energy, but my mind feels a little clearer.

"I want to live for Riya," I murmur, flexing my fingers. The dark fog of despair that has been clouding my senses has thinned out. "I don’t want to leave my daughter alone."

My wolf is quiet but solemn.

"She needs us," I whisper tiredly. "She needs both of us so we can’t give up."

My baby comes first. And my pride and hurt has to come last.

My wolf sits up, slowly.