Chapter 13 - Harvey

The scent of azaleas soaked in sweet water met my nostrils. I was standing tall, towering above everything, practically reaching the tops of the trees with the pointed end of my snout. I couldn”t control the fact that my demon wolf took over when my wounds were too much to handle in my regular wolf form. This was just my cross to bear.

Kiara’s voice rang through my mind. Dad!

That had been her father. That was her pack. They came to take her away from me. My one chance to explain my situation had devolved so fast because of my actions. I was too preoccupied with the fact that my mate was in danger and that the woman I had vowed to protect was going to be taken from me. Unfortunately, being in this form meant that the demon ate more of my soul. I could feel him cackling inside, enjoying the fact that I was becoming brittle from the inside out. Even as my demonic wolf form healed and grew stronger, my soul felt like it was splitting like the outer shell of a fragile egg. Lightning cracks spread all through me. I knew I would wake up later with a dreadful headache from doing this.

But I had no choice.

My vision clouded with blotches of red. That was how everything looked in this form. It was like I was wearing tinted glasses, a filter of scarlet invading my eyes and making the world feel like it was closing in on me. Even as my vision felt strange, the rest of me could understand the world in ways that my original wolf could not. I sensed the very nature of the forest. I could feel the animals all around me. All the possible paths were laid out in my mind without me having to turn my head. Vision be damned, my body understood the proximity of the person that I had vowed to be with. Her scent filled my nostrils and made me realize that she was grounding me just by being there.

No, I thought. She can”t see me like this.

I turned away and ran to the beach, searching for a cave, searching for something to hide me. I would have thrown myself headfirst into the ocean if I hadn”t already tried that before—this demon couldn’t be drowned. No matter what, it was always there, lurking, waiting, and laughing. This wolf form gave me power that was addictive and frightening at the same time. I could win so many battles just by being in this form—this strange, lanky, long-legged mangy-dog creature.

As much as I didn”t want to run away from her, and as much as I didn”t want to hide from the truth, the reality was that my ugliness would drive her off. I knew I had to face it. I was acting like a coward. The demon laughed even louder at my realization. It could hear all of my thoughts and I could feel its judgment through each completed thought cycle. Every time I came to a new conclusion, it poked at it a little bit, pulling it apart and showing me how fragile I truly was deep down.

You”ll never win this battle, it said in the back of my mind. I will always be here. I will always dangle what you want in front of your eyes. Until you give in to me, you will never get anything you desire.

There was no truth in its words; I knew it to be a liar. I knew it said those things just to make me give in more. The longer I stayed in this demonic wolf form, the more of me it consumed, and the more I ended up giving in. But for some reason, I felt stuck. I couldn”t draw on my original wolf, I couldn”t even find my human side. Panicking, I darted to the left of the beach and then dove into a nearby cave, one that had a low tide and a big enough nook in the back where I could curl up to hide.

As black as my soul, the darkness covered the walls that surrounded me. The cave reminded me of a mineshaft. The salty sea scent in the soft lapping of waves helped me calm down a bit more. Though my heart continued to pound in my chest, I was able to lay on my belly and cover my eyes with my paws. If I stayed here and stayed still, she wouldn”t find me. She would leave with the people who came to collect her. Her pack—she didn’t speak much about her time with them, but she spoke highly of their morals.

I practically snorted. If that was the case, then why had they attacked us? How did I know she wasn’t sent to my village to infiltrate our ranks and hurt us? Still, I could sense from the way she interacted with my people that this wasn’t true. It was just another manipulative thought, one that didn’t go particularly far, especially not with the footsteps I heard outside the cave. They broke the rhythmic tide, little splashes of water rising from each step. A few rocks scattered off from the path that was being stepped on, and a soft sigh echoed through the short cave.

And then I smelled the saltwater azaleas, that delicious floral scent that made me feel like everything going to be okay.

It”ll never be okay as long as I’m like this, I thought. She”ll never accept me.

I tried to bury my nose in the sand, but the moist grains got stuck up my nose, causing me to sneeze and spray them everywhere. I could see her figure now out of the corner of my eye, and I kept thinking there was no way she was going to stay with a man who looked this horrifying. It was surreal to think that, given we had been wrestling with one other moments before her pack members showed up. One easy-going and playful activity had quickly transformed into something else. Now, I was in a damp cave stinking to high heaven of sin while she approached me. She won’t want me now.

It was so unlike me to whine, but I did, and the whine soon turned into a horrible whimpering when I felt her hand on the back of my neck. I was massive compared to her; one ear alone was probably the size of her head. My paws could probably crush her to death. If I jerked too fast, I might accidentally hurt her. I didn”t want to do that. No part of me wanted anything to do with hurting her. Strangely enough, my demon had nothing to say about that. It didn”t make a clever retort, and it didn”t try to insert itself. It was remarkably quiet. My left ear pointed up, and then back, and then forward, and then flattened to my head. Her fingers slid over my snout and down over my giant paws that still covered my nose from the embarrassment of sneezing sand.

She moved them away from my face, carefully placing them on the ground where I could place my chin upon them. How she managed to move such massive paws was a mystery and impressive at the same time. I knew her to be strong and intense. Yet, even now, she wasn”t being her usual combative self. I didn”t want to open my eyes to look at her, but I couldn”t help myself. I cracked open my eyes and looked at her. Her figure was illuminated in the light that shone through the mouth of the cave. She ran her hands over my ears and rubbed behind them. Soon, my muscles relaxed under her touch.

I felt myself shrinking to my original wolf size, returning slowly, almost painfully. She went to the ground with me and cradled my head in her lap, letting me curl up on her thighs. She let my paws drape over her legs and let me dirty her cashmere sweater. The white turned muddy, just like the fur of my demonic form. She let the water soak her jeans. She ran her fingers through my fur again. It was only for a few minutes, or maybe it was an hour. It could have been much shorter or much longer. Time didn’t matter when I was with her. Nothing did. I assumed that was why I kept thinking of her as my mate.

No, it was just because we had both completed the ritual. We were, by all accounts, mates in name. But it was different with her. I felt it when I thought, You can”t take my mate. She”s mine.

A soothing tune rolled around my ears, consuming the thoughts that were left. I couldn”t think anymore. I didn”t want to. All I needed was to roll on my back and look up at the woman who was giving me more compassion than anyone had ever done in my life. The action was so simple, so decadent in its simplicity. She didn”t have to send her pack members away—she didn”t have to say she wasn”t in danger—but she did. She wanted to protect me and her pack members, too. I realized the gravity of my attack, how I shouldn”t have fought those very people who came to rescue her.

Wouldn”t I have done the same if she were lost? Oh, it made me ache to think of that. I didn”t want to. I didn”t like it. I would never consider her leaving me. Instead of running after her pack and leaving, she came after me. She helped me. She didn”t run off like I thought she would—like I had expected. I opened my eyes again and realized the redness had faded from them. The strange tunnel vision was gone. I didn”t feel like a beast anymore, I felt like myself. When her hands came back to my face, they were perfectly proportional to my human cheeks. She ran her thumbs over my cheekbones. She ran her fingers through my hair, just over my ears. She traced circles, ovals, and all kinds of shapes, soothing me in ways that were unanticipated.

She didn”t speak, not a word, though a most contented smile on her face sat. Her eyes, those bluish-green spotlights, reflected the oceanic water that came to rest at our feet. Her hair fell around our faces, encapsulating us in a dark curtain. Yet I could still see the threads of light coming through, and I could sense her desire.

Did she want to bow forward and take my lips? It felt so good in her arms. I wasn”t even sure why. It terrified me to think that she would leave the embrace at any point. It terrified me to think that she would be taken away or that anyone would want to take her away from me. Who would after they saw the creature that I became before I ran off into the forest? I was a terrible beast, a horrifying thing. There wasn”t much that could save me—except for her. I wanted her to save me. I felt good in her arms, and I didn”t ever want this feeling to end.

Never again.