8. Vivian

Vivian sighed happily as she rolled over in bed, pressing her chest up against Emma's back. Emma had scoffed when Vivian had suggested putting soundproof panels in her room, but Emma had quickly been converted by the idea of being able to be as loud as they wanted when Vivian stayed over at her place.

The last few weeks had been like something out of someone else's life—or something out of Vivian's wildest fantasies, the ones she never really acknowledged, even to herself.

Dating Emma was… incredible. Not only was the sex life changing, but Vivian was quickly coming to love spending time with Emma more than anything else. Lily loved having Vivian around, and the three of them went on frequent outings on weekends.

"We should go to sleep," Vivian murmured.

"Already there," Emma mumbled, her hand searching until it found Vivian's. "'Night, Vivian. I love you."

Vivian stiffened. She felt Emma stiffen against her as she realized what she'd said.

Emma quickly turned around in Vivian's arms, her eyes wide and worried. "You don't have to say it back, Vivian. I'm not going to take it back, because that would be a lie, but I don't want you to feel any pressure to—"

"I have to go."

"Vivian, please—let's talk about this."

Vivian was already getting out of bed. She felt like the walls were closing in on her. She wanted to run, but where could she go when the walls were those of her own mind?

"I'll see you at work tomorrow, Emma." She couldn't run from her mind, but she could certainly run from the situation.

"No—wait, Vivian—"

Vivian was already dressed. She didn't immediately see her shoes and decided to abandon them. She all but ran from the house.

Vivian's heart was beating so fast that she wondered if she was having a heart attack or a panic attack. She stopped the car two blocks away from Emma's house, trying to even her breathing.

It's okay, everything is okay, she told herself.

It was a lie, though. Everything was not okay and she knew it. If it had been what Emma thought, then it probably wouldn't be a problem. If Vivian hadn't wanted to say it back, she would simply have accepted Emma's reassurance that she didn't need to and gone to sleep.

The problem was that she did want to say it back, and that scared her.

What the hell had Vivian gotten herself into? She didn't know what she had thought would happen when she'd agreed to start dating Emma. She couldn't recall right now the reasoning that had gotten her to this point.

All she could focus on was the blinding panic racing through her veins. She couldn't love Emma. She could never be the kind of woman Emma deserved. Emma deserved someone who could love her wholeheartedly and without reservation.

Vivian wasn't that person. She was still too scared about what a relationship would mean for her business. She was too afraid of realizing that she actually didn't want a life partner after all, or that it wasn't working for her for some reason.

There would always be doubts and fears that stopped her from embracing Emma with her whole heart, like Alison had. Emma deserved someone who could marry her and raise Lily with her without hesitation, not someone so caught up in their own mind that they were too paralyzed to say three little words.

Vivian knew she wasn't Alison. Emma had spoken about Alison and Vivian knew she didn't have so many of the qualities Alison had had. She could never be who Emma and Lily needed her to be.

Her phone started ringing. Vivian didn't need to look at the screen to know it was Emma.

She tried to stop her hands shaking for long enough to answer. It would be better to do this now, before she had a chance to convince herself otherwise.

"Emma."

"Vivian! I didn't think you'd answer. Are you home yet? Please, let me come over. We need to talk about this."

"There's nothing to talk about. I'm sorry, Emma, but I can't do this. We knew from the beginning that it might not work out. Well, it didn't. I'm done."

"How can you say that? You may not love me yet, but I know you care for me too, Vivian. This connection we share is special and real. You must know that."

"This connection has to end."

"Please, Vivian. I love you."

Fuck, Emma was crying. Vivian desperately wanted to rush back and comfort her, but she knew she couldn't. Emma deserved more than such mixed signals.

She clenched her free hand on the steering wheel as she forced out the hardest words she'd ever had to say. "I'm sorry, but I don't want to be with you anymore, Emma. Goodbye." The lie burned coming out of her mouth, and the acid ate right through her heart, leaving it tattered and mangled.

She heard Emma's hurt gasp on the other side of the line but didn't wait for her to speak. Vivian hung up before she could do something stupid—like tell Emma she loved her and beg for forgiveness.

She tossed her phone onto the passenger seat.

The phone didn't ring again.