10. Vivian

Vivian stared at the closed door. She was still in shock. She'd done a good job of holding it together in front of Emma, but internally, she felt like she was falling apart.

She should probably have been prepared for this. Of course, Emma would want to leave after how Vivian had treated her. However, Vivian had stuck her head in the sand, choosing to believe that Emma would keep working for her, and she was paying for it now.

Emma's lovely big brown eyes looking at her hopefully had nearly broken her.

She felt like she had whiplash. It would probably have been better if she'd taken Emma's offer to work through her two weeks' notice. That way, Vivian would have had some processing time and been able to figure out a proper way to say goodbye. However, she wasn't going to keep Emma here when she wanted to leave purely for Vivian's selfish wish to have more time.

Vivian clutched the edge of the desk, trying to ground herself. She couldn't let herself fall apart. This is exactly why she hadn't wanted any personal entanglements in the first place.

Vivian cursed herself for thinking that getting involved with Emma was a good idea.

It was bad enough losing the woman she loved. It was bad enough having her heart broken.

Now, she was losing Emma altogether. It shouldn't have made a difference. It wasn't like she and Emma were even friends at the moment—Vivian had seen to that.

It still hurt. Why did it hurt so much?

Every day for three weeks, Vivian had dragged herself out of bed when she wanted nothing more than to stay at home and wallow in her own misery. She had thought she was handling things.

Right now, she did not feel like she was handling anything. She felt like she was spiraling into an abyss and there was nothing she could do to pull herself back.

Vivian needed help.

She already had the number saved in her phone. She'd been toying with calling for days now, but she was afraid. She was afraid of what she would have to face if she went down this path… but nothing could be worse than feeling like she did now.

Barb Skye was supposed to be one of the best psychologists in the city. Broken hearts weren't all that uncommon. Surely, she would be able to fix Vivian.

She placed the call and hung up three times before finally coming up with the resolve to speak to Barb's receptionist.

"Hello, Dr. Skye's' office, you're speaking to Dawn."

"Um. Hi. I'd like to book an appointment with Dr. Skye, please."

"Of course. Are you a new patient?"

"Yes, I am."

"And your name is?"

"Vivian Sterling."

"We have an appointment next Thursday at ten o'clock. Would that suit you, Vivian?"

"That would be perfect, thank you."

Vivian answered a few more logistical questions before hanging up and putting the appointment into her calendar. She saved it simply as appointment. She didn't need her employees seeing an appointment with a psychologist and starting to catch on to the fact that Vivian was thoroughly falling apart.

She should start finding a new assistant. Life without one would be entirely unmanageable. Despite knowing that it was now an urgent issue, due to her own decision to let Emma go before finding someone else, Vivian felt little motivation to do it.

If she couldn't have Emma, she wasn't sure she wanted anyone. This, of course, was incredibly stupid. The risk of making business decisions with her heart rather than her head was exactly why Vivian avoided this kind of mess in the first place.

She spent the next two days frantically busy, trying to do two jobs at the same time. Several people offered to start the process of advertising for a new assistant, but Vivian turned them all down, insisting she would get to it when she was ready.

Right now, she wasn't ready.

Being so busy that she was barely on her feet by the time she got home did one good thing—it distracted her from her nerves for her appointment on Thursday.

Those nerves returned in full force, however, as Vivian drove to the appointment and settled herself in the waiting room after giving her details to the receptionist. She had never been to therapy before, and she was more than a little anxious.

Vivian didn't know what kinds of things Dr. Skye would pull from her and she wasn't entirely sure she wanted the inside of her head to be examined. However, she couldn't deny that she wasn't coping and professional help seemed like the most logical option.

"Vivian?"

Vivian reminded herself that she had faced far more challenging and hostile situations than a single therapist who wanted to help her. She stood up and faced Dr. Skye. "That's right."

"You can come in."

Dr. Skye was around Vivian's age with a jaunty grey bob and eyes that glittered as though she was always on the verge of smiling. It was perhaps inappropriate for a therapist, Vivian thought for a second, but she couldn't deny that Dr. Skye looked warm and empathic and perhaps her glittering eyes were one thing that helped people open up to her.

Vivian perched on the edge of the seat, her eyes flicking from Dr. Skye back down to the floor.

"So, Vivian, tell me what brought you here."

"I… um. Well, I'm not doing so well."

"Can you elaborate on that?"

Vivian didn't want to spill her guts to a complete stranger, but wasn't that why she was here?

"I left my girlfriend. It was a horrible mistake and I'm not coping particularly well with it."

"What exactly do you mean by not coping?"

Vivian shrugged. "You know. Struggling to get out of bed. Struggling to focus on work. Crying a lot. Thinking about her constantly and berating myself for my behavior. I'm sure you've heard all this before from a dozen other patients."

"It sounds like you don't think much of yourself for struggling in the way you are."

"No, I don't—this is entirely my fault. I've made my bed, and now I have to lie in it."

"Then why are you here?" Dr. Skye took fixed her glittering gaze on Vivian and raised her eyebrows in expectation of a response.

Dr. Skye had her there. "I guess that even if I know I deserve it, I'm not managing. Every day, getting out of bed and going about my daily life like everything is okay just feels like a huge weight on my chest. I don't know how long I can keep doing this for."

"I understand. That's what I'm here to help with. Why did you leave your girlfriend?"

"Because I'm a fucking idiot, that's why."

"That's not an answer, Vivian. That's an evasion. Why did you leave her?"

Dr. Skye was clearly here to bust her ass. As was probably what she needed.

Vivian sighed, reminding herself that if she wasn't going to be honest then she may as well not be here.

"She told me she loves me. I completely freaked out and ran."

"Why did you freak out?"

"I was hesitant about getting into the relationship from the start. I never wanted to fall in love, but somehow, I did. She is just so lovely and kind and warm. And, well, so beautiful. She has the most beautiful smile. I've never really been in anything like this before. When she said I love you… well, it made me realize I feel the same, and that thought terrified me."

"What scares you about it?"

"Love isn't a controlled entity. If you can't control it, then it can wreak havoc in your life, including your career. My business is important to me and I don't want to mess it up."

"Is it more important to you than your girlfriend?"

Vivian opened her mouth to say yes, but the word wouldn't come out. It felt too much like a lie. "I don't know. What I do know is that she deserves much, much better than someone who can never give her their whole heart. She has a daughter too who is incredible. Her wife died. She needs a lot. They both do. They both deserve the world and it terrifies me that I can't even give my whole heart. I don't know how to."

"Do you think you can't give your whole heart? Or are you just afraid to?" Dr. Skye wasn't backing off.

"Afraid, I guess. But if I'm too afraid to do it, then isn't that the same thing?"

"Fears can be overcome. That's something we can work on here. Intimacy issues aren't all that uncommon, and I feel confident that we'll be able to improve on the issue if you choose to work on it."

"So, you think I should work on my issues and then go back to her? See if she'll take me back?"

"That's for you to decide. This is your space, Vivian. If you don't want to work on something or do something, I'm not going to try to force you. Do you think your intimacy issues are something worth trying to resolve?"

Vivian considered this. On the one hand, if she really could untangle this mess in her head, she might have a chance of being with Emma again, she had been so very happy with Emma—if Emma would take her back, that is. On the other hand…

"I don't know who I'd be. Won't I be a completely different person if I change such a fundamental part of myself? Would I even know myself?"

"No amount of therapy can magically turn you into a different person. Change, if it happens, comes slowly. You wouldn't be a different person. You would simply be evolving into a slightly different version of yourself. A better version of yourself, some might argue."

Vivian took another minute to consider this. This Dr. Barb Skye seemed full of wisdom. Maybe she could help Vivian. "Yes. I would like to work on my intimacy issues."

"Okay." Dr. Skye smiled warmly. "Then why don't you tell me more about your childhood? Did anything in your upbringing lead you to believe that you were unable to rely on other people?"

Vivian had been expecting questions about her past and had those answers prepared. It wasn't like she had anything particularly interesting to say. She'd always had a supportive family, and she doubted they were the cause of her issues. She didn't have anything at all to say on the matter of friends and relationships, other than talking about her time with Emma.

That was going to be difficult, but Vivian had come here for help, and she was going to cooperate as fully as she was able to.

Okay, Vivian. Let's do this.

So she started from the beginning, telling Dr. Skye her life's story.

As had been her norm for the past two months, Vivian went to get ice cream after therapy and sat in the park to eat it. Ice cream reminded her of Emma and Lily, and always brought a smile to her face, even if it was a bittersweet memory.

She was headed to her favorite bench, focused mostly on licking the drips of the melting ice cream before they could fall onto her hand.

"Mom! Mom! Look!"

Vivian looked up. That voice was familiar.

Sure enough, it was Lily, and Lily was running straight toward Vivian.

Vivian had just enough time to lay her bowl of ice cream down on the bench before Lily barreled into her, wrapping her arms tightly around Vivian's waist.

"You're here! I missed you so much," Lily sounded tearful, and Vivian hugged her back automatically. "I missed you, too." Vivian said and she meant it deeply. She felt tears forming in her eyes as Lily's big brown eyes stared into her soul.

"Will you make up with my Mom, please? What I would really like is if you could be my mom, too? Then I could have two mom's again?" Lily was earnest and Vivian didn't know what to say. She wanted nothing more than to take care of them both. She looked over Lily's shoulder.

Sure enough, Emma was hurrying over to them, her face bright red.

"Lily, don't run off like that! You scared me."

"Sorry, Mom."

A passing man snorted, casting the three of them a disgusted look.

Anger immediately flared in Vivian's stomach. "Do you have a problem?"

"No, no problem at all. I just feel sorry for all children who have to grow up in broken households. Children should have two parents who love each other."

Vivian's hands clenched at her sides. She lifted one arm to point at Emma. "I love this woman more than anyone else in the world! She's the love of my life, and Lily is lucky to have both of us."

"Two women can't love each other. It's not natural."

"Yeah? Well, why don't you come over here and do something about it?" Vivian challenged.

She had taken self defense classes. She got someone in to run them regularly for the female staff in the office, as well as any men who wanted to join in, and she participated too. If he so much as looked like he was going to try anything, Vivian would have him flat on his back and regretting ever crossing her.

The man examined the commitment in her eyes for a few moments before giving the three of them another filthy look and stalking off. Vivian met Emma's shocked gaze. Only now did she realize what she had said.

"Did you mean that?" Emma whispered.

Perhaps two months ago, Vivian would have fled, like she did that fateful night. She was different now, though. She had been working to untangle her intimacy issues with Dr. Skye. Vivian now understood that her objection to relationships was purely from her own fear of not having control. The business issue was an excuse she had used for too long. She was trying to face her fear and overcome it.

"I did. Please, Emma, can we talk?"

Vivian had always meant to do this, though perhaps not quite so soon. She didn't know if she was ready, but she did know that if she threw this chance away, she might never get another one.

"Yeah, okay. Lily, why don't you go and play in the playground over there?"

"But I want to spend more time with Vivian! I miss her."

"You can spend time with her later, I promise. Vivian and I just need to have some adult talk."

"Fine. But you promise?"

"I promise. Go on, now."

Vivian tossed her now completely melted ice cream in the trash and sat down on the bench opposite Emma. She held out her hand and was surprised but grateful when Emma took it.

"Emma… there's so much I want to say to you. I know I don't deserve your time. I treated you horribly, and I have no excuse for that. I'm trying to change, though. I come to this park and have ice cream because it reminds me of you and Lily. And, well, I love you both. Please. Will you hear me out? If after this you never want to see me again, I'll respect that. I'll go to a different park and you'll never need to worry about hearing from me again."

Emma nodded warily. "I'll hear you out, Vivian."

"First, I need to apologize. Emma, I don't think there are enough words to express how truly, deeply sorry I am for how I treated you. When you told me that you loved me, it should have been a special moment, but I ruined it all. I was afraid, but that was no excuse. I should have fought for you, worked through my fears with you, but instead I let the best thing I've ever had slip through my fingers."

"When you left, I realized that what I was doing wasn't working and I sought help. I've been seeing a therapist for the past two months, working through my issues. I wouldn't call myself cured, but I'm certainly working on being a better version of myself, that is for sure."

"Emma, I love you. I'm in love with you and I want you back. If you can forgive me and give me another chance, I swear I'll never stop fighting to be better for you, to be the woman you deserve. Please, Emma, will you take me back?"