Chapter 20

CHAPTER 20

CODY

T he monotonous, droning beep of the machine monitoring Maya’s heartbeat is the only thing keeping me grounded. I feel like I’m floating away, halfway between a state of consciousness and dissociation. I can’t believe that anything that happened today is real. I can’t believe that, once again, I’m sitting in a hospital, grief stricken.

This is the same hospital where they declared Claudia dead.

No matter how many times they tell me that Maya won’t meet the same fate, I can’t quite bring myself to believe it. She’s been asleep for so long. It’s hard to imagine that life could ever possibly fill her eyes again.

I know I need to call my parents. They need to know what happened, that Maya is in the hospital. But I can’t bring myself to do it. I keep replaying the conversation I had with Claudia’s mom in my head.

“I was driving. I lost control of the car.”

“My little girl is dead… because of you?”

“Yes.”

I can picture my dad’s disappointment, my mom’s sorrow. They’ll ask me how I let this happen. I’ll say that I don’t know. It was an accident—an awful, horrific accident—and I didn’t mean to let it happen. They’ll say they expected more from me. That I should’ve been more responsible. And they would be right. I should have been more responsible. I was gone for the whole day. I left Darcy and Maya alone. They went down to the pool by themselves. They were both moments from drowning when I found them. That never would’ve happened if I had been there. I wouldn’t have let it.

It’s all my fault. I let my emotions get in the way again and my baby sister is paying the price.

“Cody?” Maya’s voice is quiet and strained and pained, but I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to hear it in my entire life.

“Maya!” My eyes snap up to her.Hers are just barely cracked open, tiny slivers of blue hardly visible, her skin is scarily pale—nearly gray—and her breaths are shallow despite the oxygen she’s being given. But none of that matters because she’s awake and she’s looking at me and she’s alive.

“Oh, thank God.” I breathe a sigh of relief as I take her hand in mine. “I thought you were?—”

“What happened?” she interrupts groggily, her voice slightly slurred.

I open my mouth then snap it shut again. What happened is a very good question, one that I’m not entirely sure I know the answer to. The obvious response is that she nearly drowned, but there’s more to it than that. And I don’t know what it is, because just the thought of seeing Darcy makes my heart begin to race—and not in a good way.

“There was an accident,” I finally say. “You and Darcy were in the pool and?—”

Maya blinks and I see her eyes clear ever so slightly.“I remember,” she says, her gaze meeting mine. “Where’s Darcy? Is she here? Is she okay?”

More questions that I don’t know the answers to. Last I heard, Darcy was sitting outside the room, but that was a while ago, so it’s hard to say whether she’s still there. I’m nearly certain that she’s okay, though—physically, at least. Mentally, there’s no telling. But hey, join the fucking club. All of us are wrecks right now.

“She’s around here somewhere,” is the vague answer I give my sister. “I had her take some space to, y’know, clear her head a bit.”

“What does that mean?” Maya asks. “Why isn’t she here with me? She’s not hurt, is she?”

“No. No, M, she’s fine,” I assure my sister. I grimace at the idea of telling her the truth, but I know I have to. At the very least, she deserves the truth. “I sent her away because I was upset with her. That she let this happen to you.”

Maya starts to sit up faster than I could think to stop her, but she immediately winces and lays back down. She breathes heavily, looking at me wide-eyed.

“You blamed her?! No, Cody, you didn’t! Please tell me you didn’t!”

I take a deep breath, trying to remain calm and hold my ground. “I was gone for a day, Maya. A day. And look what happened. If I’d known that you two would be so completely irresponsible, I’d have?—”

“You would have what ?” Maya demands, voice trembling and lip quivering. “You’d have stayed with us instead of running away like a little boy? Well, guess what, Cody? You didn’t. You left. Like always. So don’t you dare blame Darcy for this. At least she was here. She is always here. She’s the constant that you were supposed to be. You may be my brother, but she is my family.”

I feel as though I’ve been slapped across the face. She’s right. I know she is. But it still sucks to hear it. That I failed. I am a failure. As a brother, as a son, as a lover, as a fiancé. I have failed.

“I realize that, Maya,” I say quietly. “And I’m sorry. I really am. But you’re my priority, now and always. And seeing you hurt like that… It made me panic. And I took that out on Darcy. I’m sorry about that , but I’m not sorry for trying to protect you. Because that’s what I’m here to do. To protect you. I will always protect you, even if you don’t want me to. I’m your big bro. It’s my job to make sure you’re okay.”

“You know what?” Maya shakily asks, though I’m not sure if it’s from sadness or anger. “You’re right about one thing. I don’t want you to protect me. You haven’t been around to do… fuckin’, I don’t know— anything for me. In years. And guess what? I’ve been perfectly fine. So let’s just leave it at that. You text me once a week, we’ll do the whole small-talk thing, and we’ll go back to being strangers. Because, really, that’s what we are. Strangers. You don’t know me and I don’t know you because it’s fucking impossible to know someone who lives a thousand miles away. And that’s a choice you made. So now you have to live with it.”

I feel sick. This is like a nightmare that I can’t wake up from. I’m trapped in it. I’m drowning in it.

“Maya—”

“Leave, Cody,” Maya demands, sticking her chin up and pointedly avoiding meeting my stare. “Just fucking… leave. And if you see my best friend, tell her to come see me. Oh, and while you’re at it, maybe you should apologize to her—for a lot of stuff. Because let’s be honest, you have completely fucked her over this week. In almost every way possible. You owe her a lot more than a pathetic ‘ I’m sorry, ’ but it might be a nice place to start.”

This can’t be real. This can’t be happening. Fuck. And the worst part of it is that she’s right. About everything. I abandoned them. I made a selfish decision. And now I’ve made it even worse by trying to take back what I so carelessly gave away.

I stand up so quickly that the chair I was sitting in nearly falls over. It rattles, rocking back and forth, back and forth. I find myself nearly mesmerized by it, unable to speak until it’s gone quiet.

“I’m sorry, Maya. I’m—I don’t—” Christ . “I’ll be around if you need anything.”

I run from the room, booking it down the hallway. I run and I run until I reach the stairs, and then I run all the way to the ground floor, and then I run some more once I reach the sidewalk, and I just keep running until I literally fall to my knees.

I gasp for air, taking breath after breath but none of the oxygen seems to be reaching my lungs. I feel like I'm drowning in guilt and regret. Everything I touch seems to turn to ash. I've messed up with everyone - my parents, my friends, Darcy, and now even Maya. They all probably want nothing to do with me. And why would they? I'm the burnout. I'm the kid who couldn't stick it out. I'm the runaway. The one they might wonder about every now and then, but nobody actually misses.

I close my eyes, trying to steady my breathing. I need to fix this somehow, but I don't even know where to start. Maybe I just need to get away for a while, clear my head, figure out how to make things right.

I don't know what compels me to do it, but I look at my phone. Of all the strange things to do in such a treacherous moment, I check my goddamn phone. And I think it must have been fate that told me to do it because lighting up the darkness of the early morning dawn is a message from Darcy.

I don’t blame you for being upset. Even though I probably should. I know I’d be upset too if I was in your shoes.

Still sucks that you said that stuff though…

You owe me a fancy dinner as emotional compensation. You don’t even need to be there.

I laugh out loud, a silence-shattering, manic laugh. The laugh goes on and on, and I nearly become hysterical. A fancy dinner . She says that I owe her a fancy dinner . For God’s sake, I owe her the entire fucking world . And, Hell—the moon and the stars and every planet in the damn solar system.

Tears nearly spill from my eyes and, suddenly, I’m not laughing anymore. Darcy doesn’t deserve the way I’ve treated her, and she’s still showing me kindness anyway.

My phone lights up with another text message from her.

And whatever Maya said… just remember she’s pretty medicated right now. She might feel differently in a few hours.

If only it were that easy. If only I could wake up tomorrow and everything is magically fixed. In a perfect world, maybe that’s the kind of endings people get. In a damn fairytale, maybe happily ever afters exist. But this isn’t a fairy tale. And I don’t get happily ever afters.

Thank you, Darcy. And I’m sorry about everything. Sorry to you and to Maya. Please tell her that.

I think it’s for the best that I give you two some space to process things without me around.

I’ll be back to say goodbye before you leave.

I wait a moment. Her response comes quickly.

Where will you go?

Another great question that I have no damn answer to.

I have no idea.