Chapter 19

CHAPTER 19

DARCY

‘ Y ou’ve done enough.’

Three words replay again and again in my head, like a never-ending song. What did Cody mean by that? Does he think I’m at fault? Am I at fault? Is there something I could’ve done to prevent this? Did my best friend almost die because of me?

No. Surely not. I tried to stop her. I did everything I could. Didn’t I? Yes, I did. I think I did. I hope I did. I… I can’t remember. Everything has become one big blur in my mind.

I’m not even sure how long I’ve been sitting here outside of Maya’s hospital room. I remember the paramedics coming. I remember Cody refusing to leave Maya’s side and guests swarming the lobby to see her be loaded into the ambulance. I remember Louis dragging me to his car, and a painfully silent drive to the hospital because no matter how much he asked, I just couldn’t tell Louis what happened. I couldn’t say a word. Then, once we arrived at the hospital, I just sat down right there on the cold, tile floor outside of Maya’s room that I wasn’t allowed into, my hair and clothes reeking of chlorine. My entire body trembles though I can’t discern whether from the cold or adrenaline crash. Louis sat with me for a while, but eventually, he went to find an actual waiting room. Not me, though. I can’t possibly leave. Not even if I wanted to. Being close to Maya is a comfort to me, like if something happens, I’ll be able to somehow tell. If her heart stops beating, I’ll feel it. But if I move away, I wouldn’t know. She would possibly die and I wouldn’t be able to say goodbye.

I see the sun begin to rise over the skyline through the window at the end of the long hallway. The view looks as though we’re high up, but I don’t remember riding an elevator for that long. It’s entirely possible that I blacked it out. Truth be told, I don’t remember moving from the car to the hospital at all, either. It’s all blank.

Doctors have been coming in and out of the room for what feels like forever. They all offer me reassuring smiles, but it does nothing to ease my worries. The only thing that would make me feel better is to hear that Maya is okay, but they can’t tell me that because I’m not family. Which is a bunch of bullshit because I am family. I’m Maya’s family, and she’s mine. She said so herself. But according to Cody, I’m not. And I’m fucking furious about it. How dare he do this? How dare he treat me like I’m the bad guy? He hasn’t seen Maya in years because he’s too selfish to go home. Hell, if Milo hadn’t cheated on me, she never would’ve come on this trip in the first place, and it probably would’ve been two more years before Cody bothered to visit Maya. So how am I not family? I’m the one who she calls when her car breaks down or when something bad happens at work or when she just wants to talk about her day. I’m there for everything. And where is he? Nowhere to be found. So how is he more of her family than I am? If anything, it should be the other way around. I’m her family. He’s a goddamn stranger.

‘ You’ve done enough.’

Fuck that. And fuck Cody for insinuating that I would ever in a million years let my best friend get hurt. I’m sick of being the bad guy. I didn’t do anything to deserve it. All I’ve done is exist and it seems like even that is too much for him to handle. Well, fine. Fuck him. It’s as simple as that.

Fuck. Him.

I don’t need him and I never have. And neither has Maya. As soon as she wakes up, she’ll realize it and it will be just me and her again. Like it used to be. Like it always should’ve been. Cody can go back to his boho, hippie life in the mountains with not a care in the fucking world other than himself, and Maya and I will go back to our life in the city, where we support each other no matter what.

“Excuse me, ma’am?”

I look up and find a middle-aged brunette woman in light blue scrubs standing over me. She looks concerned, though I can’t quite figure out why.

“Sorry, am I in the way?” I ask, starting to push myself to my feet. I wobble, my legs nearly giving out. The woman is quick to grab my arm and steady me.

“No, no, hon, you’re fine,” she tells me, brow furrowed as she studies me. “I was just coming over to make sure you’re alright. You seem a bit out of sorts.”

“Oh.” I blink. She’s concerned about me. Me , of all people in the hospital to be concerned about. “No, I’m fine.” I gesture toward Maya’s room. “My best friend had an accident. I’m just waiting to find out anything.”

The woman frowns and gives me a once over. “Well, you’ve been here a while, sweetheart. How about we go down to the cafeteria? Get you something to drink? Maybe some food?”

Immediately, I shake my head. I will not leave Maya. “No. No, I can’t. My friend, she?—”

“She won’t be any better off if you make yourself sick,” the woman tells me, just sternly enough to get my attention. “You’ll feel better once you have some energy, physically and mentally. This is all scary enough as is, you’ll only make it worse by going at it exhausted.”

I suppose she is right. I’ve been lightheaded for a while, but I was just putting it off. But Cody isn’t letting me in to see Maya right now anyway, and I need to make sure I’m ready to talk to Maya once she wakes up.

“Okay. Yeah, you’re probably right. I’ll go with you.”

The woman smiles. “Good, I’m glad.” She helps me down the hallway, her hand not leaving my arm for even a brief second. “What’s your name, hon?” she asks.

“Darcy,” I inform her. “Darcy Gray.”

She hums in acknowledgment. “Nice to meet you, Darcy. I’m Aimee.”

We walk in silence the rest of the way to the elevator and down to the cafeteria on the first floor. I hate the silence. It allows my thoughts to run completely wild.

‘You’ve done enough.’

‘You’ve done enough.’

‘You’ve done enough.’

It feels like psychological torture. The more it repeats in my brain, the more I start to believe it. I nearly killed my best friend. What the fuck is wrong with me? How could I let this happen?

“You with me, Darcy?” Aimee asks, bringing me back to reality. I look around to see that we somehow made it to the cafeteria and sat down at a table in the corner since I zoned out. My brain can’t seem to keep up with my body anymore. I know I should probably be worried about that, but I quite frankly just can’t bring myself to give a fuck.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I tell my new companion, though I can tell from the way she raises her eyebrows that she doesn’t even come close to believing me.

“Want to talk about what’s going on?” she prompts. “Maybe I can help.”

Normally, I would probably keep my issues to myself, but right now, I really do need someone to tell me that everything will be okay—that the world isn’t ending and that it’s okay to just breathe.

And so I tell her the whole story. From beginning to end, I completely spill my guts. “My best friend and I did something we shouldn’t have. I knew it was a bad idea, but I went along with it anyway. And she got hurt—badly. And her brother blames me. Ugh… Maybe he should. He probably should. It’s my job to keep her out of trouble. The same way she keeps me out of trouble. If the situation had been reversed, she never would’ve let it get this bad. She never would have let me end up in the hospital. But I’ve just been so preoccupied all week over a boy of all things. And I haven’t been a good friend. And now she’s paying the price for that.” Tears well in my eyes. I sniffle and try to blink them away, but only succeed in letting several escape, rolling down my cheeks and neck. “Is this all my fault?” I ask. “Am I the worst person to ever exist?”

“Oh, hon…” Aimee frowns sympathetically and reaches out to squeeze my hand. “No, it’s not your fault and you are certainly not the worst person to ever exist. Accidents happen sometimes, and that’s not something that anyone can prevent—not even your friend or your friend’s brother. And I’m sure he didn’t mean to make you feel this way. It’s just that sometimes, situations like this can bring out the worst in people. I’m sure he’ll realize his mistake later once he isn’t so worried about his sister. And, sweetheart, trust me—” She pats my arm. “—we have all made some bad decisions when it comes to boys, so try not to beat yourself up too much over it. This is just how it goes sometimes. You fall in love and nothing else matters. You’ll learn as you get older how to balance it.”

Fall in love?

“I don’t love him,” I say, though I don’t know why because it’s certainly not the most prevalent issue at the moment. I suppose I just want to think about something other than my best friend laying in a hospital bed, even if just for a minute or two. “He’s just a guy who keeps crushing up parts of my heart, bit by bit. He’s done so more times than I’d like to admit. And I’m a dumb fucking woman for letting him keep doing it.”

Aimee chuckles softly. “You aren’t dumb. Trust me, you are not the first woman to be hurt by the same man more than once. As humans, it’s in our nature to want to forgive and forget. But more often than we would probably like, men take advantage of that quality and use it against us. Never feel like you’re not intelligent because you believed someone when they told you they changed. It doesn’t make you stupid, it makes you kind, and kindness is the most important quality a person can possess.”

I scoff, wiping the tears from my face before anyone else catches me crying over someone as utterly heartless and cruel as Cody Banks. “Yeah, well, if this is what it always feels like, I think I’d rather be smart than kind.”

“Well, luckily for you,” Aimee begins, “it won’t always feel like this. A man who cherishes your kind heart is out there somewhere, and he won’t take it for granted. Just remember your worth, sweetheart. And don’t you ever let anyone make you feel bad for taking up space.”

I nearly break down into sobs upon hearing that.

‘Don’t you ever let anyone make you feel bad for taking up space.’

It’s like she’s read my mind—like she’s heard every big, bad thought telling me that I’m not worth it. That I’m a waste of oxygen whose only purpose is hurting the people she loves. Hurting Maya.

I swallow the pain threatening to eat me alive, taking a deep, shaking breath. Suddenly, the world doesn’t feel as heavy anymore. I dare to say that it almost feels as if everything might just be okay.

But when have I ever been an optimist?