Chapter 14

CHAPTER 14

CODY

T he roads are slick. My hands are gripping the wheel, and I’m afraid. Claudia’s singing along softly beside me to a pop song on the radio. Her voice is so beautiful. I look over at her. She is so beautiful. With hair as black as a raven and eyes as green as freshly cut grass. And her smile. Dimples indent round cheeks, and heart-shaped lips beg to be kissed. The corners of her eyes are crinkled. The ring on her finger shines and shimmers, reminding me of a future that is coming faster than I ever expected.

I don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve looked at the road. It could be a second, or it could be a minute. All I know is that I can’t turn away from her. It feels wrong. Like I’m denying her beauty.

I see her eyes flicker toward the road, and her smile drops. Her face pales and her jaw goes slack. “Cody!” she screams.

It’s the last thing I hear before a sickening crash makes the world go black.

I wake up in a cold sweat, my chest heaving and my heart pounding. The world is a blur around me, and I can’t quite place where I am.

I feel a hot body next to me and my first thought is Claudia.

But then I catch vibrant red hair out of the corner of my eye and I know that isn’t true. I didn’t sleep with Claudia. I slept with Darcy. Darcy is not Claudia.

But I can still see Claudia in my mind. I still keep her favorite necklace in my bedside drawer. I still have the scars on my body to make me remember the crash that took her life.

What the hell is wrong with me? How could I do this? Sleeping with random girls on their vacations after meeting them at the bar downstairs is one thing. They leave after a couple of days and I never see them again. But it’s different with Darcy. She might leave here soon, too, but she’s not really going away, and strangely enough, I don’t want her to. But that’s the problem. How could I possibly see her in this light when Claudia is still everywhere around me? It’s not fair to Claudia. It’s not fair to Darcy. It’s just not fucking fair.

I can’t do it. I have to leave.

I carefully slide out from beneath Darcy, managing to escape without waking her, and leave as soon as I get dressed.

I don’t know where I’m going. I’m just mindlessly wandering, thinking about Claudia and Darcy, my head conflicted and pounding from last night’s beverages.

Somehow, I end up outside Maya and Darcy’s room, where I hope against all odds that Maya will be.

I knock and wait. And wait. And wait. And finally, a very disgruntled-looking Maya opens the door. She seems ready to bite my head off, but she might realize that something’s the matter by the state of me, because she sighs and steps aside.

“Come in.”

I enter, and I’m immediately hit with the smell of Darcy’s fruity perfume. It’s lingering, taunting me. I think of her asleep in my bed.

I’m such a dick.

“What’s going on?” Maya asks, sitting on the couch. There’s room for me to sit next to her, but I’m too anxious. Instead, I begin to pace.

“I slept with Darcy.” I spit the words out.

“You what?!” Maya blanches. “Cody, how the actual fuck did you?—”

“I don’t know!” I throw my hands in the air. “It just happened, okay? And I didn’t mean for it to because now I just feel like shit and?—”

“Okay, okay, just breathe,” Maya tries to ease my worries, but I can tell she’s just as freaked out as me, if not even more. “We’ll figure this out.” I see the cogs turning in her brain. “So, you like each other. Or are at least attracted to each other—which, gross, by the way—so, why do you feel like shit? There’s nothing wrong with liking Darcy. She’s the best.”

“Yeah, I know. I know that.” I groan. “And that’s exactly the problem! She’s fucking amazing, but I can’t think about her like that, Maya. There was only supposed to be one amazing girl in my life and that was Claudia. Is Claudia. Sleeping with Darcy feels like… like…”

“Like cheating on Claudia?” Maya offers, her voice uncharacteristically soft.

I swallow thickly. “Yeah. That.” The energy seeps from my body. It’s as though I’ve been completely drained of everything. I collapse onto the couch next to Maya and heave a large sigh. “I don’t know why I’m like this. Darcy made it pretty clear last night that she just wanted something casual, a one-time-only thing. But that’s not how it feels. It feels like I just completely abandoned my morals and gave up everything that matters for one night of fun.”

Maya watches me for a moment, then exhales and screws her eyes shut, massaging her temples. “Seven a.m. is a bit early for me to help you through a crisis, Cody. God. I don’t—” She takes a deep breath and looks at me once more. “I can tell you that you did nothing wrong, but I know you won’t believe me. So I’ll just say this: having feelings for another girl doesn’t mean that you’re cheating on Claudia. She’s gone. And she would want you to be happy, as happy as you made her when she was still here. She wouldn’t want you to rot away, consumed by grief and self-pity. And this isn’t just any random girl, Cody. This is Darcy. She’s been with us through everything. She’s our family, even if you two like to pretend like that isn’t the case. Just talk to her. Tell her how you feel and I know she’ll understand. She’s not out to get you, dude. She just doesn’t want to be abandoned again.”

Too late for that.

“I just… I need time to think.” I stand up, expertly avoiding eye contact with my sister. “I’m gonna drive into town. I’ll be back tonight.”

I hear Maya stand up behind me.

“You can’t run from this, Cody. You can run from everything else, but you can’t fucking run from this. It’ll only make it worse.”

How do I tell her that things with my life are already as bad as they could possibly be? That merely waking up every morning is the biggest disappointment of my day?

“I’m not running,” I lie. “I’m just thinking. I’ll be back later.”