34. Blaise

Ididn't act immediately on what River had told me. Now that I knew how literally Toby was taking my safe-wording, I knew I was going to have to make the first move.

I knew this, but I still couldn't bring myself to do it.

Months had passed, but it wasn't enough time to erase Toby's words from my brain. To erase the knowledge that he would only be with me on his terms. That he wouldn't give us a chance unless he was fully healed first.

I didn't think a decade would be enough time to erase that.

I still meant everything I'd said when I'd walked away from him, but every day that passed weakened my resolve. I missed seeing his name in my notifications. Missed seeing his smile. Missed kneeling for him. Missed calling him Master. Missed following his routines. Missed him shaving me. Missed checking in with him.

I missed him.

It was funny how you could be so angry, so fucking hurt by someone, and still miss seeing them every day. It was like two different people existed within me—one who wanted to run from Toby so he could never hurt me again, and another who wanted to beg him to hold me again.

They were both one and the same. That was the issue. I understood and agreed with each of them.

Tonight was the first time I'd be seeing Toby after my talk with River. I hated taking time away from my research, but this was Lucky's birthday party. If I didn't show, I'd likely have Bailey blowing up my phone…followed shortly by Harlow turning up at my place and dragging me there.

That wasn't an exaggeration. It literally happened every time I tried to duck out on an event. I didn't know how it had happened, but Bailey and mine's friendship had moved from the gym into the outside world. Over the past four months we'd binged the latest Marvel TV series on Disney Plus, hiked over Durdle Door, and grabbed dinner together multiple times.

To my surprise, Harlow had only shown up to a few of our meet-ups. At first, I thought it was because he couldn't stand to be in the same place as me for too long. But one day Bailey had explained that all these things weren't really Harlow's cup of tea. That he'd go along, but was happy to miss it if Bailey was with someone Harlow trusted.

The knowledge had rocked me to the core. Me. Harlow trusted me.

Predictably, my phone buzzed with a text from Bailey when I was a minute away.

Bailey

You nearly here?

Yup

Bailey

Good. Toby isn't here yet but he will be.

I rolled my eyes as I typed my response.

Yeah I know. He'll no doubt arrive just after I do.

Bailey

You supes aren't as subtle in your stalking as you all like to think.

I barked out a laugh, pocketing my phone. That was true. I knew all too well that if I let my power slip from me, it would sniff out Toby lurking nearby. Up until my conversation with River, I'd wondered why he'd never approached me. If he missed me the way I missed him, why was he insisting on keeping this distance between us?

Now, I knew why. I was going to have to take that first step, which fucking terrified me. I'd opened myself up to him twice already, and been rejected twice. I wasn't sure I'd survive a third round.

The thing was, my standpoint hadn't changed. I wanted to be with him now. To support him through everything he was going through. If these next few months were all we'd get together, then I wanted to spend every damn second with him.

Knocking on Lucky's door, I was greeted by a barrage of noise and chaos. I pushed all thoughts of my former Dom to the back of my mind. Now wasn't the time for a confrontation. Despite how common it was in our little group, I imagined neither Dagon nor Dimitri would take kindly to anyone causing drama on Lucky's night.

After greeting everyone and exchanging a back-slapping hug with River, I grabbed a beer and took up my usual position against the wall. Bailey joined me almost instantly.

"You made it."

I gave him a dry look. "Did I honestly have much of a choice?"

He grinned widely. "Nope. If you didn't respond to my message, I was planning on sending Harlow to get you."

"Knew it," I muttered. I went to say something else, but the words died on my tongue. Toby stepped into the room, his gaze seeking me out immediately. They swept over me just like they used to in the club all those months ago. As though he was trying to strip away all my layers of armour to see what lay beneath.

For just a heartbeat, I allowed myself to do the same with him. I gobbled up every detail of him. His black hair, longer now than a few months ago. His hands held tightly at his sides. The bags under his eyes.

Finally, finally, I allowed myself to meet his gaze.Just for a moment. Just long enough to know that River was right—Toby was broken. Not just because of the curse, but because of me. Us. He did nothing to hide the yearning in his eyes. Like he wanted to march over here and give me an order as much as I wanted to kneel for him.

I was the first to look away, taking a long swig of my beer. If I watched him for any longer, I'd end up throwing myself at his feet, party be damned. The knowledge of why he'd stayed away had me wanting to both hug and throttle him.

We had to have this out. Tonight. As soon as I could politely leave, I was going to address this. River was right, I was being ridiculous. If this was the only time we'd have together, I was going to fight to spend every moment of it at his side.

Whether he wanted me to or not.

Usually when I was in the same room as Toby, time sped up. Like it knew how much I treasured these moments and mocked me by moving faster. Tonight though, with me counting down until I could speak to him, it was dragging painfully.

Mori and River had disappeared halfway through karaoke and I'd been tempted to sneak out then. A pointed look from Harlow had me resuming my spot with a mutter.

There wasn't a second when I didn't feel Toby's gaze burning into me. I didn't allow myself to look over at him though. I'd crack, and that would get me nowhere.

Finally the party started to wind down. My quiet goodbyes were returned with gusto.

I didn't think there'd ever come a time when I wasn't surprised by the openness with which this group had accepted me.

I left through the front door and slowly made my way in the direction of Toby's flat. I hadn't bothered to say goodbye to him or even ask him to talk. I knew he was following me, the way he had been these past few months.

The night was silent as we walked through the city's streets. I wondered when Toby would realise I was making my way to his place instead of my own.

He didn't leave me waiting long. "Blaise? Where are you going?"

They were the first words he'd spoken to me in four months. I'd heard him speak to others in that time, but never to me. I exhaled shakily before turning to face him. "Your place."

His eyes were wary as he studied me from a few feet away. "Why?"

I flinched at the pain that lanced through me. "Do I need a reason?"

Now Toby was the one flinching. "No, of course not. Sorry. I'm doing this all wrong."

"Doing what?"

He gave me a tentative smile. "Apologising."

That had to be a good sign…right? "For what exactly?"

Before, I never would've dreamt of questioning my Dom like this, but Toby wasn't my master right now. He was the man I loved. The man who'd broken my heart.

Toby twisted his lip ring, the gesture so familiar that the ache in me deepened. "Everything. For so many things, I'm not even sure where to start. But I'm willing to try if you're willing to listen?"

"I've always been willing to listen." I took a step closer, wishing desperately that he'd touch me in some way. It was insane how much that simple act grounded me. I might've survived without Toby, but I hadn't thrived. It felt like I'd been slowly spiralling without him, just sinking into an unknowable abyss. "The real question is, are you willing to listen? Because this isn't a conversation I'm prepared to have until you can promise me that."

"Okay, so now I know where to start with the apologies." Toby lifted his hand. My heart fluttered, hoping he was about to touch me, but he carded it through his hair instead. "I'm sorry I didn't listen to you last time. You told me exactly what you felt and wanted, and I assumed I knew better anyway. I'm sorry, Blaise. I don't deserve another second of your time, but I'm going to ask for it anyway. Can we go to mine to talk? This might take a while. I've got a lot of shit to apologise for."

"Why?" I couldn't stop myself asking. Was this just because I'd taken the first step tonight? Or was there another reason? "Why now?"

"Because…" He swallowed roughly, his voice bleak. "Because you learned that you can live without me, but I learned I can't live without you."

Was that what he believed? That I'd been fine without him? That I hadn't missed him with every fucking breath?

It was then that I processed the rest of his words.

I can't live without you.

That sounded damn promising to me.

The muscles in my face protested as my lips pulled upwards, unused to smiling so naturally. "Okay, then I guess it's time for us to talk. Lead the way, Tobes."

It wasn't ‘Master.' I wasn't ready to call him that again yet, but it was a step in that direction. An acknowledgement that he was so much more to me than just ‘Toby.'

From the smile he did nothing to hide, he knew it too.

And he was just as excited about it as I was.

As excited as I was to try to make amends with Toby, I wasn't about to let him off the hook. I wanted him back in my life, but I was going to stand firm on what I needed and expected from our relationship.

I wasn't going to stand for being sidelined in any life decisions. I had no issue with Toby making decisions over my daily routine and things like that, but matters of his health and immortality? I expected him to include me in those decisions. Or, at the very least, inform me of them. Hiding things from me was going to be number one on my list of things I wouldn't tolerate going forward.

Deep down, I knew Toby wouldn't have an issue with me standing up for what I wanted for myself. He was the one who'd taught me that my feelings and desires carried the same weight as others'.

The question wasn't whether he'd be okay with me saying it, but whether he'd be okay doing it. He'd been right in teaching me that honesty and communication were the most important components of a contract. The same applied to a relationship. And, if that was what Toby wanted with me, he had to accept that those things went both ways.

If he couldn't, I'd walk. It would fucking kill me to do so, but accepting the bare minimum from Toby would also do that. Not at first, but eventually.

Fortunately, he put my fears to rest the second we were seated on his sofa. "I'm sorry I lied to you and kept things from you. Even if this doesn't end in anything other than friendship, I promise I won't ever lie to you again." Guilt shimmered in his eyes. "I can't believe I did so in the first place. After everything I'd said about honesty and communication, doing what I did was terrible. To betray your trust in that way…"

"You had your reasons." I wasn't letting him off the hook, but I couldn't stand how he was speaking. "What you did was wrong, but your intentions weren't. You were trying to protect me."

"It's no excuse, especially as your master. Trust is built on honesty and communication. I don't deserve to have yours again, but if you'll let me, I want the chance to earn it back. And the first way I'll do that is by not hiding things from you. Ever. I promise."

"Thank you," I said quietly. "Really, that's all I wanted to hear. Well, that and…"

"And what?"

I took a breath. "And that you want to be with me. Right now, not in some indefinite future."

"In what way?" Toby gave me an encouraging smile at the horror I knew was on my face. "Don't misunderstand me, Blaise. I want everything with you, but I'm also willing to compromise if that's not what you want. To be honest, I'll be whatever you want me to be to you, even if that's just your friend. So long as I have you back in my life, that's all I care about."

"I want you in all the ways," I whispered. "As my friend. My master. My boyfriend. My mate. I want it all, Tobes."

For a second, Toby didn't react. Then I saw it. A single tear tracked down his cheek. He didn't move to brush it away. Didn't blink. Didn't breathe. Just stared at me like he couldn't believe what I was saying.

His words during our fight came back to me, the ones about how no one had ever chosen him before. All the subs he'd loved had walked away from him. Now I was here, offering him my heart, and he couldn't believe it.

Scooting closer, I took his cold hands in mine. My fire responded instantly, relaxing into a warm hum in my veins. "Tobes, I mean it. I'm choosing you. I want you. I'm not going to change my mind. Even when I was mad at you, I still wanted you. I told you that then and my feelings haven't changed. I want you. I love you. Are you listening now?"

"I am." He flipped his hands so he could hold mine. "I love you too."

"You do?"

"I do." He lifted one of my hands, brushing a kiss over my knuckles. "I meant what I said that night too. I want everything you can give me. The difference is now I see what an idiot I was being by not letting you close. You were right—you can't put conditions on love. I'm sorry for what I've put you through. I'm sorry for pushing you away when I should've pulled you close. I'm sorry for hiding things from you. I'm sorry for not letting you help me. I'm sorry for not being the Dom you deserved. I'm sorry, Blaise. For all of it."

Now I was the one who was crying. I couldn't find the words, couldn't believe that Toby was telling me everything I'd dreamt of hearing.

Thankfully, Toby didn't need words. Even better, he seemed to know exactly what I needed. Nudging me backwards on the sofa, he straddled my lap and wound his arms around my neck. Pulling my head against his chest, he stroked his hands through my hair. "Let it out, darling. I've got you."

His words broke the dam. Every emotion I'd suppressed during our break-up came flooding out of me in a torrent. I'd discussed them with Dr. Tyler, but I hadn't allowed myself to truly feel them.

To do so would have led to something in me shattering irreparably.

Now though, knowing it wouldn't lead to my heart breaking completely, I let them free. Toby was holding me. He loved me. He was letting me in.

Nothing could hurt me now. With his love, I could conquer anything. Even my own emotions.

Eventually the flow ebbed and dried up. Rubbing my eyes with my hand, I coughed sheepishly. "Sorry."

Toby hummed, flicking my ear. "Never apologise for expressing your feelings. If I were your master, I'd punish you for that."

I pulled back so I could see his face. "Wait, are you not my master?"

"Well, that depends on you. If that's not something you want in our relationship, then…I can live without it."

My lips twitched. "What happened to not lying?"

"It's not a lie. I mean it. If you don't want us to have kink as part of our relationship then we don't have to do that."

"You're a Dom, Tobes. It's part of who you are."

"The only part of me I care about is the part that loves you. All the rest can change if that's what makes you happy."

I huffed. "For someone so intelligent and educated, you're kinda daft sometimes. I love you, Toby. All of you. If you change any part then that means you aren't the vampire I fell in love with."

Toby gave me a tentative smile. "So you're saying you want to continue our dynamic?"

"I'm saying I need it." I leaned my head on his shoulder, letting him bear the weight of it. "I've missed it almost as much as I've missed you, which is saying something."

"Okay, then we'll go back to that. Slowly though."

"Slowly?"

"Slowly," he repeated softly. "I don't want to deny you if you want us to return to some aspects now, but we need to ease back into it gradually. You can't have a successful dynamic without trust, Blaise."

I opened my mouth to protest, but he shushed me before continuing. "No, Blaise. I broke your trust and it's going to take time to earn it back."

"Okay, but I want you in charge in the bedroom, at least."

Toby chuckled. "I can get on board with that, but I do want us to look at the contract again now we're in a relationship. There're a few changes I'd like to make."

I lifted my head again, this time to frown at him. "Like what?"

"Like kissing no longer being a hard limit." His lips were so close to mine I could almost taste them. "If you're amenable to that, of course."

I didn't answer him with words. Instead, I closed the small gap between us and pressed my mouth to his.

It was as perfect as I remembered the first time. Toby tasted like my favourite dessert—raspberries and cream. I couldn't get enough of him. He took control of the kiss and it was somehow better than perfect, Toby's dominance elevating it higher.

I whimpered beneath him, my cock hard as steel in my trousers. I couldn't remember the last time I'd had an orgasm. I'd barely bothered jerking off over the past few months, too busy missing Toby to even get it up.

Would Toby be up for sex? Or would he think it was moving too fast?

I was worrying for nothing. Toby broke the kiss with a gasp, his pupils so blown his whole eye appeared black. He spoke only one word, somehow making it both a command and a question. "Bedroom?"