30. Blaise

Afew hours later, I found myself in the VIP area of The Closet. Dawn had broken, so the club was quiet, but not empty. River, Oscar, Cal, and Dimitri were all there, having apparently decided to blow off steam after yesterday's fire. Mori was down in the bar, supposedly stocking shelves. In reality I think he just wanted a break from all the chatter. Oscar was yawning but adamant that he wasn't ready to go home yet. Cal, always ready to indulge him, just pulled him onto his lap and snuggled him close.

I didn't know what had possessed me to suggest to Toby that we join them. All I knew was that I couldn't go to sleep, not with the realisation I'd slowly been having over the past twenty-four hours.

That maybe I didn't have it in me to see out the rest of the contract with Toby.

It wasn't that I wanted to cut ties with him. If I was being honest, the idea of not seeing him every day, of not submitting to him, made me want to punch something very hard.

But the thought of staying with him, of my heart slowly eroding away under his kindness…that was far scarier.

He'd become my lifeline. My crutch. He'd taught me how to feel happy again. To feel alive. Maybe it was time I learned to do that on my own. To make the leap before I was pushed.

When River had messaged me to invite us down to the bar, I'd jumped on it. Toby had looked surprised, but hadn't pushed me about it. I could feel him watching me as I chatted with River, his brow pinched as he swivelled his lip ring. He knew something was up.

He always knew.

Footsteps echoed on the stairs, Ferry's head bobbing into view. He hit the top step and then his face went white as his eyes rolled back in his head. I leapt to my feet as he crumpled, everyone else doing the same.

Toby and Cal reached him first, supporting him on either side.

A shocked silence filled the air as they settled him on a sofa. We'd all seen Ferry collapse after the fire, but that had been after a tonne of exertion.

Doing so after walking up the stairs?

That was something to worry about.

Mori raced up the stairs as Toby began examining Ferry. After ascertaining it was him who was in danger and not Leo, he moved him to the floor and put him in the recovery position.

It was something I'd never seen done to a supe before. It hit me in a strange way. We all thought we were invulnerable, but this was living proof of how fragile our immortality could be. We might have been harder to kill than humans, but that didn't mean death wasn't hovering around the corner, the same way it was for them.

They were debating what to do when River glanced at me, then back at Ferry. "Sure you haven't been cursed?"

I frowned. Why would River look at me before asking that? Did he know I'd been stabbed by a cursed sword? If so, why hadn't he mentioned it?

"No, he hasn't been cursed. I'd know."

Everyone turned to stare at Toby as tension filled the air. Their expressions ranged from distress to confusion.

Awareness began to prickle at the back of my neck. Something was going on. Something they knew about that I didn't. "Why are you all acting weird?"

"No reason," Toby said quickly, flashing me a reassuring smile. It did nothing to reassure me, not with the speed at which he'd answered. "Ferry isn't cursed, and even if he was, his power is fire, which would kill the curse before it could have any ill effects."

River got up from his crouching position, horror dawning on his face. "Hang on, you told us that…"

"Leave it," Toby said sharply, leaping up to square up to my twin.

My head swivelled between the two as my brain tried frantically to put the pieces together. What the fuck was going on?

The tension in the air tripled, an undercurrent of fury rippling off the demons, mirrored in River's expression. "No, I won't fucking leave it. You said it was sorted. That we didn't need to worry about what happened that day because you would both be fine. Are you telling me?—"

Enough was enough. For the first time in a very long time, I could feel my temper bubbling to the surface. Shoving them apart several feet, I glared at both of them. "What the fuck is going on? What are you talking about and why don't I know about it?"

Given the knowing glances everyone was exchanging, I was the only one in the dark. Well, and Ferry, who looked just as confused about what was happening.

My confusion only deepened when Mori moved to River's side and slipped his shield over him.

Toby snorted. "Please. If River and I came to blows, we all know he's not the one we'd need to worry about."

Fear began to lace the temper licking at me. Why was there a possibility of a fight? Why did Mori feel the need to protect River?

Mori didn't react to Toby's words, nor did he lower the shield.

"You haven't told him," River whispered, staring at Toby in horror. "What the fuck were you thinking?"

"Told who what?" I asked in exasperation. "Tell me what's going on."

"That's between us." Toby spoke to River like I wasn't even there. "It's not your business."

My blood ran cold. Just what was Toby hiding from me? And why was he ignoring me?

"He's my twin! Of course it's my fucking business," River roared. I knew his tells, knew he'd reached his breaking point.

As he cocked his fist back, I threw myself between them, taking the brunt of his hit on my shoulder. Behind me, I heard the demons ushering Toby backwards, forming a barrier between River and Toby.

This had gone south so fast that I didn't know which way was up.

"Stop this." My shout thundered above the other noise, stunning everyone into silence. Even River froze. I kept my eyes fixed on him. "What aren't you telling me? What are you hiding?"

I'd only seen this look on his face once before—when he broke the news of our parents' deaths to me. It was a mixture of sorrow and pity. Knowledge that whatever he was about to tell me was going to wreck me. "I…"

"Please." Toby shoved between Dimitri and Cal, stepping up next to me. His chest was heaving, his hands in fists at his sides. "I should be the one to tell him."

I gaped at him in disbelief. Where had Toby gone? Where was my master? He'd never ignore me like this.

A muscle jumped in River's jaw as he stared at me. "Toby is keeping something from you. Something big. Something he led us to believe he'd sorted and that we didn't need to worry about…but he fucking lied. And if he doesn't tell you, I will."

All the fire in me went cold. Toby had lied? About what?

No, that couldn't be true. Everything we'd built was based on honesty and communication. There was no way Toby would've lied to me.

I jumped as River grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me in for a hug. "We're all here for you. Both of you. Don't be too mad at him."

Here for us? Mad at Toby? None of this made sense. It was like I was sinking in quicksand with nothing to pull me free and no time to come up with a plan. This was all happening so fast.

Dimly, I was aware of River approaching Toby. This time, I didn't stop the hit landing, too frozen to react.

"That's for lying to my brother," River said as Toby's head swung back with a crack. Before he could recover, he laid another on Toby's other cheek. "And that's for thinking you need to go through this alone. You're a fucking moron. We all love you, and there's not a chance we aren't helping you solve this."

Toby spat out a glob of blood before nodding stiffly. His head was down, his expression eerily blank.

Look at me, I wanted to scream. I'm right here. Look. At. Me.

But I stayed silent.

And he didn't look at me.

River stormed down the stairs, Mori at his heels. When I could take it no longer, I turned to my master. "Tobes?"

He turned his back, and it was like he'd socked me in the stomach. That name was my signal to him that I needed my master. That I needed him to step in and be my Dom.

But he'd ignored me. Turned away like that name meant nothing.

Like I meant nothing.

He crouched down in front of Ferry. "How are you feeling?"

Ferry's eyes darted over to me, confusion and sympathy shining there. "Fine? Maybe you should go and?—"

"Good." Toby straightened stiffly. "I'm going to see what I can find out."

Then he was gone.

I stared after him, trying to make sense of what had just happened. Whatever it was, there were three things I was certain of.

Toby had ignored me.

Toby had lied to me.

Toby had walked away from me.

What the fuck was I supposed to do with that?

A small hand touched my arm, making me jump. Oscar's brows were pinched in concern as he peered up at me. "You okay?"

My head whipped around and I saw everyone gawking at me. I probably should say something. I should for sure say something to Oscar.

But I didn't have the words. I didn't know what to do.

The one person who'd ever helped with that had walked away from me.

Even so, he was the only one who could answer my questions. Despite everything that had just happened, he was the only one I wanted to see. The only one I wanted to talk to.

I had a feeling I wasn't going to like what he had to tell me, but I knew one thing for certain.

He was going to tell me what was going on. If he didn't, River would.

Without saying anything to the others, I headed in the direction Toby had taken.

I hit the bottom of the stairs just in time to see Toby vanish through the front door of the club. My frown deepened. Why would he go outside instead of up to his flat?

Freezing rain hit me as I exited the club after him. He was already almost at the end of the street, his hands shoved deep in his pockets. "Tobes!"

This time, he stopped. I jogged up to meet him, blinking water out of my eyes. "Tobes?"

It felt like it took an eternity, but eventually he turned to face me. Were those tears in his eyes? Or was it the rain?

"What the fuck is happening?" I whispered helplessly. "What are you hiding from me?"

"I don't want to tell you," he said hoarsely, not meeting my eyes. "Please don't ask me to, Blaise."

"Why the fuck not, Toby?" I roared, my voice a bellow above the thunder now rattling the sky. "Honesty and communication. That's what you've insisted on from the start. You, not me."

He inhaled shakily. "I know. But this isn't related to the contract, Blaise."

I shook my head. "No. I don't buy that. When I kept shit from you, you punished me. Why do you think it's okay to do the same to me?"

"Because I'm trying to protect you!"

I fell back a step, my hand going to my chest as the familiar numbness returned. "By lying to me?"

His chest was rising and falling at a rapid pace. "Please, Blaise. I'm asking you to trust me on this."

"How can I?" I whispered, the realisation hitting me. "Trust is based on honesty and communication. You taught me that."

For a moment, the only sound was the rain falling. Even the wind died down, like it too was waiting for Toby's response.

"You're right," he said finally.

"Tell me what's going on," I said desperately. "Come on, it can't be that bad, Tobes."

He inhaled deeply. "I'm cursed."

"What? How? When?" Horror filled me as the answers to my own questions filled my mind. "No. No, no, no, no…"

"Blaise, it's okay."

"No it's not," I whispered. He reached up to touch me, but I flinched out of his reach. "You were hurt because of me. You're the one who pulled out the sword. You're cursed because of me. How could you do that?"

Heat flashed in Toby's eyes as he stepped closer. "Because you're mine, Blaise. I don't regret what I did. I knew the risks and I did it anyway. What's more, I'd do it again and again and again. If it meant the difference between having you in my life and not, there's no question of what I'd do. I'd risk everything for you, Blaise. Every. Fucking. Time."

"Why?" I croaked in disbelief. "Why would you when you don't want anything permanent with me?"

Toby gave a hollow laugh, throwing his arms wide. "Because I do want it, Blaise. I want everything you can give me. I want to be with you. Marry you. Mate you. I want to tie you to me in all the ways so you can't leave me like the others."

"The others?"

Toby looked away, but not fast enough for me to miss the bitterness he tried to hide. "My previous subs. They were broken when they came to me, so I fixed them. Then, when they were ready to find love, they did so with someone else. Not me. It's never me."

"Tobes…"

"It's fine," he said quickly, his hands going back to his pockets. "That stuff doesn't affect us."

"But it does," I said slowly. "Because that's why you've been holding me at arm's length, isn't it? You think you're going to fix me then I'll go find someone else."

He gave half a shrug. "Can you blame me? It's what's always happened before."

"You doomed us from the start."

His head snapped up. "What?"

"You were so afraid of being hurt that you never gave us a chance. And as for me being broken? I'm not a piece of fucking machinery, Toby. You can't fix me. That's not what you do with someone you care about. You love all the parts of them, broken or not."

His eyes widened in horror. "No, Blaise, you don't understand?—"

I cut him off coldly. "Oh, I understand plenty, Toby. I understand that you put limits on our relationship because you didn't want to trust me to be different to the others. I understand that you lied to my face. I understand that you didn't trust me enough to confide in me about what's going on with you. I know we have a power dynamic, but that doesn't give you license to treat me like I can't make my own decisions. I'm an adult. We may have a power exchange, but I can still make decisions for myself. And more than that, you're allowed to let me be there for you."

"I didn't want to set you back," he said helplessly. "You've come so far, Blaise. When you asked if I'd touched the sword, you were terrified. How could I tell you? It would've hurt you, Blaise. You would've blamed yourself. You would've been devastated."

He wasn't wrong there, but I had come so far. Yes, I probably wouldn't have reacted well, but it was my reaction to have. It didn't give him the right to keep it from me.

Pushing that away, I focused on what was more important. "Are you hurt? What kind of curse is it?"

"Bad," he said curtly. "The bad kind."

It was like the ground had been pulled from under my feet. I tried to steady my breathing. To focus. "Okay, we need to come up with a plan. Reach out to different supes and see what they know. Maybe we can even?—"

"No," Toby cut me off firmly. "This isn't for you to worry about, Blaise. It's my problem, not yours."

I froze. "But you're cursed because of me."

"No, I'm cursed because of me. I was the one who decided to touch that sword."

I was so confused. "Why won't you let me help you?"

"Because that's not how this is supposed to go," he yelled, shoving his wet hair back from his eyes in frustration. "I'm supposed to care for you, Blaise, not the other way around."

"This isn't about being a Dom or a sub," I shouted back, frustration boiling in my veins. "This is about letting someone else be there for you, Toby. Let me care for you. Let me love you."

"I can't." The anger seemed to vanish from his bones, his body sagging in defeat. "You can't love me, Blaise. It's not fair. Not when we don't know if we have a future."

"Don't do this to me," I said desperately, my hands cupping his shoulders. "Please, Toby. Just let me in."

He was already shaking his head, like he was hearing me but not listening. "It's too much of a risk. You've been through so much already, Blaise. Loving me only to lose me is asking too much of you."

I stared at him like I was seeing him for the first time. My hands fell to my sides. "So you're making that decision for me. For us."

"It's for the best." A muscle jumped in his jaw as he refused to look at me. "I can't give you anything more knowing it'll lead to more pain for you. I won't do that. Maybe if I figure this out…maybe then we can talk about more. If you still want it."

"Let me get this straight," I said slowly, "you're saying we can be together, but not until you're healed? That I can't be with you until you're happy, healthy, and everything is good?"

Relief flashed over his face. "Yes. Exactly."

"That's not good enough," I said. "You can't put conditions on love. I want you, all of you, all the time. I don't carewhat you're going through. We'd be together, through thick and thin. Good times and bad."

"I get that, I do," he said hoarsely. "But this isn't your battle to fight, Blaise. I don't want this to take you back to the place you were once in. I couldn't cope with that."

I knew right then and there that arguing with him was pointless. He was the one who'd taught me to fight to be happy, but I knew there was no fighting him. "You've decided."

He nodded, still not looking at me.

"I understand where you're coming from. I even understand why you lied to me…" My voice trailed off, my throat feeling too thick to speak. I focused on the road beneath my feet, trying to remember how to breathe. There was a crack in the tarmac, running between where we stood. Every word seemed to make it wider, a chasm I wasn't sure either of us would be able to cross. "But the thing is, we'll never know how I would've reacted, because you didn't give me the chance. You made that decision for me. Just like you're deciding our future and assuming you know best."

"I'm your master. It's what I do."

I swallowed, forcing myself to look him in the face as I delivered the next part. For so long, Toby had been the one to give me strength and courage. Now I was going to have to find it on my own. "It's what you did."

He flinched, finally meeting my gaze. "So that's it? You're saying we're over? You want out of the contract?"

"No, Toby. I think that's what you're saying. You won't give me more. You won't let me help you. You're asking me to wait for a future you refuse to actually offer me."

His expression hardened as he gave a bitter laugh. "See, I knew you'd walk away. Just like all the rest."

"No, Toby. I'm not walking. I'm being pushed. You asked me for honesty then lied to my face. You made me promise to communicate but didn't open up yourself. You assumed you knew what's best for me without asking what I wanted. This is all on you."

Rain streamed down his cheeks, or were those tears? "I can't let you do this, Blaise. I can't let you love me."

"Too late," I said shortly. "I'm already in fucking love with you, Toby. I think I have been since the day you pinned me to the floor and put a stake to my throat. Difference is that back then, I didn't know what loving you would mean. I didn't know you'd build me up only to tear me the fuck back down."

"That's not fair. I'm doing this to protect you. To make you happy."

"Do I look fucking happy to you?" I wiped the moisture from my own cheeks. There was no question where it was coming from. "You've hurt me, Toby. I trusted you, and you lied to me. Worse, you won't let me close, even now."

Toby was silent, his brown eyes sombre. "So that's it? We're done?"

"I think we always were." I looked at him once more, knowing it was the last time I'd be this open with him. The last time I'd let him in. "I never stood a chance. You were so scared of getting your heart broken again that you never let me close."

"Blaise, wait?—"

He reached out to grab me, but I shrugged him off, saying the one thing I knew would stop him.

"Red. Let me go, Tobes. Leave me alone."

His hand fell lifelessly to his side.

I didn't look back as I walked away from him. I couldn't. I'd made some stupid decisions in my life, but deep in my gut, I knew this one was right.

I loved him, broken parts and all. But that wasn't enough for him. I wasn't enough for him. He didn't trust me. He said he wanted everything, but refused to back it up.

So I walked away and I didn't look back.