21. Chapter Twenty-One

I'm way too fucking nervous. I'm also not proud to say it took me about fifteen minutes to style my hair and about twenty minutes to decide what to wear before I'd finally landed on a plain, light-gray shirt with my best pair of dark-wash jeans. Admittedly, everything this morning seemed to take me twice as long as normal because my shoulders and back are fucking sore from yesterday and I ran out of Advil. The measly three bucks I'd had on me when I went to Amy's last night to get something cheap to eat hadn't been enough to also get another bottle. So I'm fucked until tomorrow at least.

And since I still don't trust my truck, I'm here at the bowling alley much too early, which means waiting, which means more time to get nervous.

Shit.

I've never dated before. Not once. And I'm not sure Josh realizes that. I probably should have told him. There's probably a protocol or something for this type of thing. And now that I didn't follow it and didn't tell him, he's going to be terribly disappointed when he finds out I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing.

That's a ridiculous train of thought, and I quickly dismiss it as I climb out of my truck and pull my coat around me. It's fucking cold again—well below freezing—and I'm thinking I should probably just stay in my truck until Josh gets here. But since I'm a fucking idiot, that's not what I do. I stand there. Freezing my ass off.

Just when I'm starting to get worried that he's going to be late or not show, I see him pulling up in that nice, shiny new sedan he drives, which I think might actually be Brenna's. He turns into the parking lot and then takes the spot right next to my truck.

And, god, I'm still fucking nervous and might be shaking.

He's up and out of the car within seconds, and as soon as our eyes meet, all that nervous energy turns into something completely different and much more pleasant. Some sort of fluttering in my chest. He's somehow more attractive now than yesterday, which doesn't seem possible. His gorgeous eyes are bright and excited, and his smile—god, I might just melt.

Is this what swooning feels like?

"Hey," I say. Totally not awkward. Totally not at all awkward. Fuck, I'm an idiot. And my cheeks feel flushed, which has to be because I've been standing out in the cold. Not because he's fucking sexy as hell and I can't take it.

"H-hey," he says. And he's just adorably awkward enough that I smile back. At least we'll both be awkward together?

"Glad you made it, um—" Shit. I want to kiss him or maybe at least hold his hand, but I'm unsure of the protocol again. There's probably some rule about PDAs on a first date, right? Or PDAs in general? Ah, fuck if I know.

"We should go inside? It's pretty cold." He tilts his head toward the building, and I nod, because that's the easiest thing to do. Much easier than trying to form words.

"Yeah, yeah, definitely."

There's some more awkwardness as we both start toward the building together, walking about a foot apart. He's close enough that my desire to touch him ramps up a notch, especially when I realize how good he smells. God, his aftershave is sexy.

Actually, his everything is sexy.

"So," he says, clearing his throat, "please tell me you're not quite as good at bowling as you are at pool?"

When I glance at him, he's got a silly grin on his face, and his eyes are just fucking sparkling. I can't help but smile back.

"Ah, yeah, probably not."

"Good. Because I actually do bowl on occasion, and I'm not terrible. So maybe I'll stand a chance."

He reaches out ahead of us to open the door, which I'd totally meant to do. And given the way he holds it open, watching me and still grinning... shit, it almost feels like he'd distracted me on purpose. Nah, he wouldn't. Would he? I'm not really sure.

We're still so close that I can barely stop myself from touching him again. I want to take his hand, touch his cheek, kiss his lips.

God, his lips. They look so kissable, and I've spent hours since he left yesterday letting myself remember just how kissable and soft and warm they are. And I'm suddenly much too hot.

Somehow, I manage to walk into the building past him, keeping my hands and lips to myself. But I'm just not sure what I'm allowed to do here and what I'm not. Don't they make some sort of rule book for things like this? Something like: First Dates for Mid-Twenty-Somethings Who Have No Idea What the Fuck They're Doing 101. Gay Version.

Or, you know, I could just ask him.

He closes the door behind us, and we start walking together over toward the counter. I don't see Tim, who owns the bowling alley, so now's as good a time as ever. I clear my throat and glance sideways at Josh with a small smile.

"So, um, what—"

"Hey, Coop! Long time no see!" Tim's loud, boisterous voice cuts me off, and he steps out of his office, grinning, as he moves toward the cash register.

Shit. In a minute, I guess. I'll ask Josh then. I paste a smile on my face.

"Hey, Tim. Yeah, been busy. You know how it is," I say as I stuff my hands in my pockets and try to look anywhere besides at Josh. Because it's at that moment that I remember something else that's really pretty fucking important. I'm completely broke, and bowling costs money. Fuck.

Yet another reason I need that rule book. Who the fuck pays? Do we split it? And can I even afford half? Score another point for me.

Tim's still smiling, oblivious to my internal self-disparaging. That's good, I guess?

"Yep! Busy as always! Nice to see you, though. So, you two here to bowl, or something else?" Tim glances from me to Josh and extends his hand. "I don't believe we've met. I'm Tim."

Josh steps up next to me and reaches out to shake Tim's hand. "Josh. Nice to meet you, sir."

"Ah, please, call me Tim. ‘Sir' makes me feel old. Although beings as the two of you can't be more than what, twenty-five? I suppose I am old. Ah, damn. Well, what'll it be, kids?"

Josh laughs and then completely saves me and my idiot ass. "I think we'll rent a lane for a couple of hours. That sound good, man?" He looks over at me, and his smile almost immediately softens or... something.

And I smile back because it makes me feel good. "Yeah, that's good."

With a nod, he turns back to Tim and pulls his wallet out of his back pocket. "Yeah, a lane rental for two hours, plus shoes for both of us, and, hmm..."

Five minutes later, we've got our bowling shoes and Cokes, and Josh also ordered a pizza that should be out in another fifteen minutes or so. We head down to our lane in silence, but by the time we get there, I think maybe I've mustered up the courage to try talking to him again.

"I, uh, should probably just apologize now because I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing here," I say quietly as I set my drink down on the table and drop my shoes on the ground next to one of the seats. When I glance back at Josh, his eyes are narrowed a bit in confusion.

"You mean . . . ?"

"Uh, this—this date? I haven't exactly done this before, and—"

"Oh," he says, and his cheeks turn bright red. Ah, fuck, why does he have to be so fucking adorable when he blushes?

"I feel like I should have asked you about money beforehand, that is. And I've wanted to kiss you since you got out of your car, but I don't know if that's okay. Or if I can hold your hand, or if..." I trail off as he sets his drink and shoes down and then sits and stares at his hands. I wonder what he's thinking, especially when he closes his eyes for a moment and his jaw tightens.

But then a small smile flickers on his lips, and his voice is soft as he mumbles, "Or... if you can sit next to me so I can lean on you for a minute because I don't really know the answers, but I just really want to feel you touch me." He wrings his hands together almost nervously before he lifts his gaze back up to meet mine. His eyes are deep and unsure but also hopeful, and I think I could get lost in them.

I nod eagerly, and then my body moves as though it couldn't wait any longer. I take the seat right next to him and slip my arm up and around his shoulders as he leans against me. His head comes to rest on my shoulder, and he settles his hand on my thigh, which—holy fuck—sends this intense wave of desire through me. My heart's pounding now too.

"It's, uh, better now, yeah?" he asks.

"God, yes. This is much better." I inhale a long breath and then let it out slowly, and he laughs a little as his hand squeezes my thigh.

"Um, I also need to be totally honest here," he says quietly. Somehow I can tell he's closed his eyes, but he shifts a little closer anyway. "I'm, um, completely terrified right now. I don't... want to be scared anymore, but I don't know how to do that."

"How to not be scared?"

"Yeah. Um . . . Are you . . . out? Do people know you're . . . ?"

"Gay?"

He nods, then he straightens up a bit so he's no longer leaning on me, although his hand is still on my thigh. He can't quite seem to look at me, but he glances around the bowling alley as the muscle in his jaw twitches.

We're still the only ones here, but—oh, right. Fuck. We're in a fucking public place, and he's nervous and asking me if I'm out... Of course.

Of course he's fucking terrified. I mean, given how his dad reacted to catching us kissing, and then how he treated me afterward... Knowing his dad, Josh was probably scared shitless. And you don't just get over that overnight. You don't just decide one day you're done lying to yourself and the world and fucking flaunt your sexuality for everyone to see. At least, not without still being fucking terrified.

But I don't wanna bring that up, and I don't want this conversation to turn the wrong way because one thing I do actually know about first dates is that you want them to be happy. At minimum. Like, that's as low as the bar should be set.

So instead, I do that thing he did yesterday that felt so good and comforting and real—I take his hand in mine and then bring it to my mouth and kiss his knuckles.

"I'm not really out," I tell him, "but I'm not... not out either. I think people know, but since I've never dated, they don't really, uh, know know." I pause and squeeze his hand lightly. "And I don't want you to be uncomfortable at all. So if you're not ready to do this"—I give his hand another gentle squeeze—"we can just have a good time without—"

He frowns and looks down. It takes him a second to respond, but when he does, he shakes his head. "No, no, I don't want..." He's shaking, I think. Or at least, his voice is trembling. "I-I mean, I'm scared. This is really, really, um, not something I ever thought I'd do because—uh, yeah... But I really, really want to be done lying and done hiding, especially from you."

It's obviously taking a lot for him to admit all of this, and there seems to be more he wants to say, so I wait. He swallows hard and then looks up at me, and there's a tiny smile as he lifts a trembling hand up to run his fingers along my jaw.

"I'm terrified, Coop. But I want . . ."

He's looking at my lips, and there are so many emotions in his eyes right now, I can't even be sure what he's thinking.

"You want . . . ?"

He blinks and seems to drag his eyes away from my lips. "I want you to hug me or hold my hand or kiss me, if that's what you want," he says. "Even if—even if we're in public."

His hand settles on my neck, and there's a rush of heat that spreads outward from my chest. God, it's amazing. So fucking amazing.

"I do. I want to kiss you," I admit with a groan. He grins, and his cheeks redden again. "God, especially when you do that. You're so fucking adorably sexy. I'm not even sure that's a thing. Can I call you that?"

Now he's just laughing at me, and it's even more adorable and even more sexy.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" he asks, and his hand on my neck draws me closer.

I groan again and nod, and there's more heat and then some shiver of anticipation as I bring my hand up to mirror his, cupping his cheek gently. His skin is warm and smooth. And it only makes the fire in my chest burn hotter. We lean in toward each other, and our lips meet in a light kiss that's just... everything. My whole body is both on fire and tingling, and his lips are this contrasting softness; they seem to soothe me with gentle, knowing caresses as he deepens the kiss only very briefly before pulling back.

I'm pretty sure I groan in protest—because, god, I just want more. And when I open my eyes again, he's got this look of mischief to him. He glances over at the bowling lane and then back at me with some silly smirk.

"My plan to beat you at bowling is right on track. Step one: distract you with a kiss," he says, and he keeps grinning at me as he straightens up and slips his shoes off.

"And... what's step two?" My voice cracks again, and Josh winks, quickly puts on his bowling shoes, and then stands up as he unzips his coat.

He's wearing black. Again. I mean. I think—I can't think. But there's this black sweater he's wearing under his coat, and he's still grinning in that adorably sexy way as he shrugs his coat off and then rolls up his sleeves and—

"Ohhhh, that's step two. I like step two. I like step two a whole lot."