Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine

Kendell

SITTING IN THE gazebo today, I'm thinking over everything that's happened over the last five weeks. My life has been completely turned upside down and I can't say I'm upset or mad about it. Kelsey is becoming stronger every damn day. She sees her counselor daily after the run-in with Martin. Gideon either stays at the compound with me or he goes to socialize with the other kids at the warehouse before or after meeting with his counselor. I get weekly updates on them when I show up. Kelsey wants me to know everything going on, even if she's not ready to talk to me herself about things. So, she's given the counselors and other staff members the approval to talk to me about things going on.

My baby sister doesn't believe she's getting any better, but I see it. She's slowly starting to open up around Hawk when he's home. I've heard her talking to him instead of remaining in her bedroom at his house. She's gone outside to sit a few times and swing on the porch. If Gideon is awake, my sister focuses on nothing but him. It doesn't matter what they're doing, he's got her attention and nothing can pull it away from him. Kelsey has even gone to the pond and stood in the water with Gideon at her side. My nephew doesn't know how to swim because Martin didn't see a reason to teach him. Kelsey and I have always loved the water and swimming. Now, she can teach her son and share our love of the water with him. Kelsey started wearing the Phoenix necklace I got her shortly after I found out what Martin was doing to her. I wanted her to know how strong she is and that I believed she would rise from the ashes and come back stronger than ever.

Today the water is calm as I look out over the pond and replay what happened in this gazebo a few nights ago. I literally came out here to go for a swim. It wasn't too late and I really did believe Hawk wasn't gonna come home that night. He's usually there in time for dinner, a meal all four of us have together every day. He doesn't owe me anything and so I just figured he was at the clubhouse or on club business. With my sister and nephew sleeping, I thought it would be a good time for a swim. I didn't want to wear a baggy tee-shirt and stuff in the water. With how dark it was outside, I thought I'd be okay skinny dipping. I've never done it before and it was kind of exciting to know someone could show up and catch me. Thankfully, the person who caught me was Hawk because I don't know how I would've reacted to anyone else catching me at such a vulnerable moment.

When Hawk turned me around and I saw another guy standing there, I wanted to hide behind Hawk. He didn't let me though. As what I'm finding is usual with him, he forced me to face something I wasn't sure about and explore whether I liked it or not. I don't have a single doubt that if I had told either man I wasn't comfortable, Cash would've walked away and Hawk would've found out what part I was uncomfortable with before continuing on with what we were doing. I can't even sit here and pretend it didn't turn me on to think of Cash standing there watching us. When I saw him touching his own cock while staring at us, it made it even hotter. I guess I do like being watched as much as I enjoy watching others have sex. I'm trying so hard not to feel ashamed for those feelings, but it's hard when I've been told so often growing up just how wrong this kind of behavior is. Hawk doesn't let me hide away from this stuff though. He makes me force it head on and overcome the negative responses I have toward something we do.

My phone rings, breaking me free from my thoughts. Picking it up from the bench next to me, I see it's an unknown caller. I don't typically answer the phone when it's a number I don't know. It's how I've always been. They can leave me a message and if I feel the need to return their call, I can. Today, something is telling me to answer, so I do.

"Hello?"

"You fucking stupid bitch!" Martin's voice yells from his end of the line so loud that I have to pull the phone from my ear. "Did you really think you could take my family away from me? Or that I wouldn't fucking find out where you had taken my wife and son? Kendell, I told you I'd kill you if you got in between Kelsey and me. I'm not fucking playing games here. I want them back and you"re gonna bring them to me."

"No, I'm not. My sister is finally starting to heal from all the damage you've done to her over the years. For the first time since you started beating the hell out of her, she doesn't have a single mark on her beautiful skin. At least no fresh marks. She's still got the scars you've caused. Her once flawless skin has been permanently marked by you and that's not even talking about the scars burned deep inside her soul. You have fucked with my sister and nephew for the last fucking time. Gideon won't grow up with a fucking monster like you in his life and my sister will continue to heal and move on with hers. I don't know how you got my fucking phone number, but you can fucking lose it now," I tell him, fear coursing through me with the thought of Martin having my number and threatening me. Looking around the compound, I realize how isolated I am right now.

"Kendell, I'm not fucking around with you. I'm gonna text you an address and time. I want my wife and son brought to me. If you don't show up, I'll get onto the compound and fucking kill you where you stand. Kelsey and Gideon belong to me and only me," he shouts, his voice even louder as I get off the bench in the gazebo and start walking toward the clubhouse.

"They're fucking people, Martin. You don't own either one of them. My sister is her own person and is finally taking the steps to reclaim who she is moving forward. Gideon hasn't even begun to figure out who he is and you won't rob him of that. Send anything you want to me, I really don't give a fuck. But, I won't be bringing them to you at all. And good luck trying to get on the compound," I state before hanging up the phone on him and running the rest of the way to the clubhouse.

Bursting in the back door, I look around in a panic. I have no clue what to do or who to talk to. Frantically I look around for anyone who's not one of the girls or a Prospect. Alex told me the Prospects won't have all the patches on their cut. They don't get those until they become full patched members or something. Running toward the front of the building, I collide into someone. Tears fill my eyes and my vision is blurry. I can hardly see who's standing right in front of me as my heart races, it hurts to breathe, and I feel as if I'm about to collapse. Yeah, I held myself together while I was on the phone with Martin, but that's all flown out the window now. I'm a fucking mess because Martin's tone of voice let me know he's not playing around. He will kill me if I don't deliver my sister and Gideon to him when he wants them wherever he wants me to meet him.

"Kendell, what's goin' on sweetheart?" Reaper asks me as I try to wipe the tears away from my eyes so I can see. I only know it's him because I've heard him talk before.

"Martin. He, um, he just called me and told me he's gonna kill me if I don't bring my sister and Gideon to where he wants at a certain time. He's supposed to message me the location and time. I don't even know how he got my number," I tell Reaper, placing a hand on my chest because it hurts so bad as I start gasping for air.

"Okay, sweetheart. Let's get you in my office. Someone get fuckin' Hawk and Alex here. Now!" Reaper bellows before wrapping an arm around my back and leading me from the hall.

In a few steps, he opens a door and leads me into a room. Reaper sits me down on a couch and crouches down in front of me.

"Look at me, Kendell," he says, his voice soft as if he's talking to a timid child instead of a grown ass woman. "Breathe with me. Deep breath in and hold it."

I try to copy Reaper, but I can't focus enough. The tears are still falling and my chest hurts even more. Fear and panic fill me as I try so hard to focus on Reaper and only him. I just can't seem to do what he's asking me to do. My brain isn't functioning properly as I try to figure out what's going on with me.

"What's goin' on?" I hear Hawk ask as the door slams against the wall next to me, making me jump on the couch and almost fall off. "Kendell, what's wrong? Reaper, what the fuck is goin' on with her?"

"She's having a panic attack," Alex says, moving Reaper and Hawk out of the way as she sits down in front of me.

All of their voices sound as if they're coming from miles away. I still can't focus on anything as Hawk crouches down next to Alex. He takes my hands in his and sucks in a breath. His hold on me does nothing to stop the shaking as my eyes dart around the room in search of Martin waiting in the shadows. [eg1]

"She ran into me in the hall. Martin called her and told her he'd kill her if she didn't deliver Kelsey and the boy to him when he sent her a message with the location and time. She doesn't know how he got her number. I can't get her to calm down at all," Reaper informs them, remaining behind Alex and Hawk.

"Sparky, I'm here. Martin isn't gonna get you, Kelsey, or Gideon. He can't get on the compound and your sister and nephew have five guys on them right now. They're on their way back to the compound as we speak. Titan and Cash both let me know they were leavin' the warehouses. I need you to breathe for me, baby. Please," Hawk says, his voice breaking as I try to focus on him and the worry I hear in his voice.

Hawk breathes in deep and commands me to breathe with him. I'm finally able to follow his orders as I put all of my attention on the man before me. Hawk is coming to mean so much to me and I'm scared to death. He has the power to completely break me and doesn't even realize it. He takes my hand and places it on his chest under his shirt and cut. I feel the steady beat of his heart as I continue to breathe along with him. I don't know how long it takes, but the pain in my chest is finally easing up and I don"t feel as if I'm going to pass out. The black dots filling my vision start to go away and everything becomes much clearer.

"There you are, Sparky. What did Martin say to you? And what did you say to him?" Hawk asks me, never moving my hand from his chest or looking away from me.

"He called and told me I was a fucking bitch because I took his family from him. That he told me before he'd kill me if I got in between Kelsey and him. Martin said he's not playing games and that Kelsey and Gideon are his. He said that if I don't show up with them, he'll get into the compound and kill me where I stand. That Kelsey and Gideon are his and only his.

"I told him that they're people and he doesn't own them. That Kelsey was finally taking the steps to reclaim who she is as a person and that Gideon hasn't even started to figure out who he is and that Martin wasn't gonna stop that from happening. I told him that Kelsey is finally starting to heal from all the damage he's done and that for the first time in a long time she's got no fresh marks on her body. She'll always have the scars he made on her skin and deep in her soul, but she doesn't have fresh wounds to hide or pretend as if they don't exist. I told him that Gideon wouldn't grow up with a monster like him and that my sister would continue to heal and move on with her life. I'm scared Hawk. So fucking scared because I could hear how serious he was. Martin is going to kill me to get to them. He'll take out anyone who gets in his way," I say, the panic and fear filling me once more as everything starts happening all over again.

"Nope. He's not gonna kill you, Sparky. You're so fuckin' strong and I'm not gonna allow him to make you feel like this. Keep breathin' with me, baby. You're doin' so fuckin' good. Martin won't be able to get on the compound. I monitor it constantly and we have security measures in place to prevent intruders from gettin' past the gate, Prospects, or by cutting through the fence around the back of the compound. Kelsey and Gideon only leave to go to the warehouses and we can start makin' it so the counselors come here for their sessions. I know Kelsey wants Gideon to socialize, but we might have to hold off on that for now. We'll have men on the three of you at all times movin' forward. I can work from home and be there more. I will do whatever it takes to make sure he doesn't get his hands on any of you. Now, can I have your phone so I can get his number and see if I can find out where he's hidin'?" Hawk says, determination filling his voice as I hesitate to hand my phone over to him. I'm clutching it like a lifeline and can't seem to let go of it.

"Take it, Hawk. I can't let go of it," I tell him as he slowly reaches forward and removes the phone from my hand.

Exhaustion fills me and I want to curl up and sleep right where I am. However, before I can even say a word, the need to get sick overcomes me. I jump from the couch and frantically look around.

"What's the matter, Kendell?" Alex asks me as I cover my mouth with my hand.

"She's gonna be sick. This has been happenin' every day this week," Hawk tells her as he rushes me from Reaper's office and to the bathroom a few doors down the hall.

I barely make it in front of the toilet before I get sick. Hawk holds my hair back and rubs a hand up and down my back while I get sick. He doesn't say a word to me the entire time. I hear the door open before a cold washcloth is pressed to the back of my neck under my long hair. I'm already covered in sweat. I hate getting sick!

"Sparky, I think it might be time to take you to the doctor and find out what's goin' on. Um, maybe they can do a test to check certain things," Hawk says, not giving anything away in case someone is listening to him talk to me.

I just nod my head in response.

Hawk manages to get me into the doctor immediately. After I'm done getting sick and cleaning up, he takes me through the clubhouse and out to his truck. I get in the passenger seat with his help before he runs around to the driver's side. We don't speak on our way through town but Hawk does rest a hand on my thigh and doesn't move it the entire drive. I can't focus on anything because the answers we get today might change our lives completely. I don't know if I'm happy about what might be going on, or upset at the possibility of being pregnant. And I have no clue where Hawk's mind is when it comes to this entire situation.

"We're here, Kendell," he says, pulling me out of my head as I look around and find us parked in front of a house instead of a doctor's office.

"I thought we were going to the doctor's?" I question him, my voice a whisper after the events of the day.

"We are. Dr. Morris operates out of this house. She's got everythin' in there from what I've been told. All the ol' ladies in the club come to her. She's delivered every baby that runs around our clubhouse. Instead of takin' you to Doc, an older gentlemen, I thought you'd be more comfortable comin' here instead. They can do the test and tell us one way or the other if you're pregnant or not. If you are, Dr. Morris can get you started on what she wants and we'll go from there," Hawk informs me as he turns me to look at him. "No matter what happens, I'm not goin' anywhere, Kendell. I don't know what the fuck you're doin' to me, but I can't walk away from you."

"I feel the same," I whisper, looking at him and only him.

Hawk grounds me in a way I've never had before. When the thoughts are swirling in an endless loop in my mind, he keeps secure instead of spiraling out of control. Yeah, I still get lost in my head, but it's not like it normally is where it takes someone several minutes to get me pulled free. One look from him and my body is on fire with a deep ache in my core. He doesn't have to touch me for that to happen. I can't stop thinking about him when we're not together and he allows me to explore things without the fear of judgment. I've never met anyone like him and I don't know if I'll ever get enough. Like I said before, he's got the power to break me and has no clue at all.

After helping me out of his truck, Hawk laces our fingers together and leads me to the front of the house. He walks in and heads for the receptionist.

"Can I help you?" she asks, her voice pleasant and happy as she looks at me and not Hawk.

"Um, Hawk got me an appointment here. My name is Kendell Nash," I tell her as she smiles up at me from her seat.

"Yes. If you can fill out this paperwork, someone will be right out to get you," she says, grabbing a clipboard and pen to hand over to me.

Thanking her, Hawk leads us to the seats where we choose two together and I start filling everything out. Hawk watches over my shoulder as I answer every question and answers the ones about the father of the baby when we get to that section. He doesn't hesitate to rattle off the answers while looking at what I write for myself. A large part of me doesn't want to get my hopes up that this is how he's gonna be if I'm actually pregnant, but I have a feeling this is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to him.

It doesn't take long before I'm called back and Hawk once again laces our fingers together before walking back with me. The nurse takes my vitals and sends me into the bathroom to leave a sample for them to test. Once I'm done, she leads us to the exam room to ask more questions about my history and what brings me in for today's visit. When she's done, she tells me to strip down so I can get a full exam done. Before leaving us in the room, she sets out a regular hospital gown and one of those paper sheet things that are scratchy as hell. Hawk doesn't take his eyes off me as I get undressed and hand him over my clothing. He folds it all, keeping my panties and bra hidden from anyone else seeing them. Once I'm naked, I put the gown on and take a seat on the exam table. I hate these exams and would avoid them at all costs if I could.

Hawk and I don't have to wait long before there's a knock on the door and a younger woman makes her way in the exam room.

"Hello Kendell. I'm Dr. Morris. Hawk, it's always good to see a club member in my office. First of all, I've performed the pregnancy test and I can say you are pregnant. I don't want to perform an ultrasound at this visit, but do you have an idea of how far along you could possibly be?" Dr. Morris asks, shocking me as I stare at her with my mouth opening and closing like a fish.

"Um, I'm going to say about five weeks," I tell her, looking at Hawk for confirmation.

"I'd say that's about right," he answers, his voice calming me even though he keeps his face blank so I have no clue what he's thinking or feeling.

"Okay. You've had no bleeding? Pain in your stomach? Anything that would be worrisome knowing now that you're pregnant?" she questions me as I think about the last several weeks.

"No. Um, I think I've gotten sick maybe once a day or so for the last week. It doesn't seem to be anything I can't handle right now. I still eat three meals a day. I'm really exhausted though," I answer her, laying back on the exam table with her help so she can start the exam.

"That's good. If it changes, call me and I'll get you something to help control that. For now, keep doing what you're doing. Limit your caffeine intake if you drink coffee, I want you to switch to decaf. Make sure you snack in between your meals if you're hungry as well. You're eating for two now and your body is going to constantly be changing," Dr. Morris says as she performs the exam.

When she's done, Dr. Morris helps me sit up once more and goes over everything else I'll need to know. She wants me to come see her once a month for now and to start taking prenatal vitamins. Hawk listens intently to everything she says and I know he's going to make sure I follow every direction she's giving me. By the time we leave her office, my head is spinning with information and the knowledge that Hawk and I have to talk about this. I need to know where his head is and that he knows I'm not gonna trap him into taking care of a baby he doesn't truly want. All I want right now though, is to go back to his house, climb in his giant bed, and sleep for a few hours. I want to forget the day and everything that happened. Especially the phone call and the fool I made of myself as a result of the call from Martin.