Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Seventeen

Kendell

DR. MORRIS WAS waiting for us when we got to the clubhouse. Exhaustion filled every part of me and all I wanted to do was sleep. Unfortunately, I didn't have that option because we needed to make sure everything with the baby was okay. That was more important than sleeping and Hawk and I both needed it for our own peace of mind. If we don't know what's going on with our little one then we'll both do nothing but worry about him or her and I won't be able to sleep or anything else. My mind is already so overwhelmed with everything else that happened and it's hard to even think about processing the events of the last however many hours. I still don't even know how long I was gone and held within Martin's clutches as he beat, taunted, and hurt me in ways no one else will ever be able to hurt me again.

Hawk gets out of the van with me still in his arms. He hasn't let go of me for a second since he picked me up and I don't want him to. Hawk's becoming my lifeline and the only place I feel safe. When I'm in his arms, I can forget about all the pain, anger, and hurt filling me. I don't have to think about the fact that my sister isn't coming home. Kelsey is gone and there's nothing I can do to bring her back.

"Where's Kelsey?" I mumble, asking Hawk as he carries me into the clubhouse and through the common room.

"Cash and the others are gonna take care of her, Sparky. He won't leave her side until she's inside the clubhouse. Doc is comin' in to take care of her with some help from one of his friends who works at a funeral home. We're gonna take care of everythin' so you and Gideon can have a proper burial for her. There's a spot of land where we've buried others from the club in the past who don't have family or any other loved ones," he tells me, his voice soft as he goes through the door of a room in the hallway where Reaper's office is.

"Thank you, Hawk," I say, burying my head in his chest once again before he lays me down on a gurney like they have in hospital emergency rooms.

Once I'm settled on the bed, Hawk doesn't step back or anything. He grabs my hand and holds it tightly in his. I look around and see all sorts of medical equipment filling the room. They have a regular hospital in the clubhouse and I can't even begin to process why they would need all this shit for their personal use. So many questions run through my mind, but I keep them to myself because I'm afraid of the answers and there's nothing else I can think about tonight.

"Kendell, it's good to see you," Dr. Morris greets me, her voice warm and gentle as it pulls me from the random thoughts I'm having.

"Will you be able to tell if everything is okay with the baby?" I ask her, watching as she walks to the end of the bed I'm in and place a hand on my leg in comfort.

"I will. I brought the portable ultrasound machine so we can take a look and make sure everything is okay. Can you tell me what happened?" she answers me, turning around to put on a pair of gloves so she can examine me.

"Well, I was kicked in the stomach and side repeatedly. He could've kicked me a lot harder, but a kick is a kick. I tried to protect myself the best I could, but I was restrained and could only move so much. He also kicked me in the back and head," I tell Dr. Morris as a deep, feral growl erupts from Hawk with the news of what was done to me.

"Okay. I'm going to look over your abdomen, side, and back before I do anything else. I want to know what we're working with here," Dr. Morris says as Hawk helps her lift my shirt enough so she can see my body. Again, Hawk growls out his rage and I know I look horrible as his grip tightens to an almost unbearable point around my hand.

I lay there and let the tears slide slowly down my face as everything hits me all at once. Kelsey. My injuries. The baby. Gideon. I don't even know where to start when it comes to everything that has to be done so we can bury my sister. At the same time, I have to take care of myself for the baby. On top of that, we have to tell Gideon that his mama isn't coming home and that we'll have to bury her. I honestly don't believe he's going to be okay. We'll have to keep a close eye on him and get him whatever help he needs to get through this part of his life. I don't even know if I'll be able to keep him with me.

"Hawk, what if the state comes in and doesn't let me keep Gideon? What am I gonna do if they take him and put him in a foster home or something?" I suddenly ask, not sure what to do if someone comes in to take my nephew away from me.

"That's not gonna happen, Sparky. I'll make sure of it no matter what it takes. Gideon will stay with us and we'll raise him together. He'll hear every single day how great Kelsey was and know that she loved him and protected him every single day of his life. That she was ready to give her life for him and that's what happened. Kelsey made sure Gideon hid in the house while Martin took her and tortured her for an extended period of time. He'll know that his father was a monster and his mom loved him more than anything else in the world," Hawk tells me, leaning over me and pressing his lips against my forehead as Dr. Morris continues to examine me.

"He's gonna hate me. I'm the one who came home when she didn't. I couldn't protect either one of them from the monster that's already taken so much from them. Now, he's done the one thing I can't fix. I've failed the two people in the world I promised to save and never let down," I state, a sob choking me as I try to pull my hand from Hawk and turn away from him.

"Stop, Kendell. You did everythin' you could. This is all on Martin and only him. You did everythin' in your power to save your sister and make sure she came home to her son. Not only did you risk your life, but you risked the life of our baby as well. I should be pissed as hell about that shit, but I can't be because every ol' lady here would do the same thing," he tells me, turning my head so I'm facing him and while pressing his forehead against mine.

I close my eyes so I don't have to see the anger and hate filling his eyes. Hawk has every right to be pissed at me and make sure I can't ever hurt our baby again. I've heard of court cases where the father of the baby wins and gets to control every aspect of the pregnancy. While I don't think Hawk would take things that far, I won't blame him if he does.

"Okay. Are you ready to see your baby?" Dr. Morris asks, breaking us out of the moment as I release the breath I was holding.

"Yes, please," I whisper, my voice sounding loud as fuck in the small room we're in.

Dr. Morris moves my clothing around so she can expose my stomach as Hawk follows her orders and grabs a small towel from somewhere in the room. They cover the top of my pants so the gel doesn't get on them. Honestly, it doesn't even matter at this point. The second I'm done here, I want to take a shower and clean the filth from being held captive away. Hopefully Gideon is still sleeping or doing whatever he's currently doing so I can get that done before talking to him. He's three and won't understand much of anything, but I have to try.

Hawk and I watch as Dr. Morris squirts some of that gel on my skin and I tense up because it's cold as hell. She apologizes before placing the wand on my body and pressing a few buttons. The small room is filled with the sound of a heartbeat. I gasp in shock and whip my head toward Hawk.

"Is that . . .?" he begins, cutting off as we just soak up the sound of a strong heartbeat.

"It is. Sounds very strong and steady," Dr. Morris answers, pressing a few buttons on the keyboard so the screen switches and in a matter of minutes a grainy image fills the screen.

Dr. Morris moves the wand around and looks at different aspects of the baby while I try to figure out what we're looking at. I have no clue what anything is. Hawk and I listen as she starts pointing out things. I'm still lost and confused as we look at everything.

"The baby looks great. There won't be any damage from the beating and I don't feel the need to put you on bedrest or anything at this point. If anything changes, I want you to call me immediately. You notice any pain in your stomach, bleeding, anything like that, call me and we'll find out what's going on. Hawk, I want you to keep a close eye on her and make sure nothing happens. I don't want you to be stressed out or too emotional. I know you have to bury your sister, but you'll figure it out. I'm really sorry, Kendell. If you need anything, give me a call. I'm here for more than just being your doctor," she tells me, her voice kind and soft as she looks at me with pain in her eyes. Dr. Morris knows the pain filling me right now for some reason and can understand how bad it hurts.

"Thank you," I say, not holding back the tears.

Dr. Morris prints out some pictures and hands them to Hawk before leaving us alone in the room. Hawk uses the towel protecting the top of my pants to wipe the gel off of my skin before tossing the towel toward the hamper. He pulls my pants up and makes sure they're buttoned up before pulling my shirt down. His fingers skim against my skin causing goosebumps to erupt. Once my clothing is put back in place, Hawk lifts me up in his arms and holds me close to his body to carry me from the room we're in. He walks me through the clubhouse and I see all the guys sitting in the common room with a beer in front of them. They're all quiet and somber as they process today's events.

"Hawk, need to talk to you when you get a minute. Kendell, if you guys need anythin', you let us know and we'll do what we can to make it happen. Alex, Zoey, and Reagan are gonna help you plan the funeral for your sister and make sure you get everythin' you need and want there. Zoey's got Gideon in their room right now. Last I knew he was takin' a nap. Do what you gotta do and we'll be here when you're ready to come out," Cash says as he stands from his seat and steps up closer to us.

Cash reaches up and pushes a strand of hair out of my face and behind my ear before moving his hand away from me again. His touch does absolutely nothing for me. Not like Hawk's. Hawk can set my body on fire with a simple look. When he touches me, goosebumps erupt and send a thrill through my entire body.

Hawk walks me to his room and helps me get in the shower. He doesn't get in with me, but he doesn't leave me alone either. I wash my hair and body three times before I'm ready to get out from under the water. Hawk dries me off and wraps the towel around my body before he takes another towel to wrap in my hair so it will start to dry. Leading me into the bedroom, he sets me down on his bed before moving around the room to grab something for me to wear. All of my clothes are back at the house and I don't know that I'll ever be ready to step foot in there again. Not knowing all that damage that was done to Hawk's things, losing my sister, and finding Gideon hiding while scared to death. I'll have to start looking for a house away from the compound for Gideon and myself. Something to talk about later.

I get dressed with Hawk's help before he leaves me alone in the room and returns a few minutes later with Gideon in his arms. Gideon has his head resting on Hawk's shoulder and he's staring directly at me while holding his hawk in his arms and shoving his thumb in his mouth.

"Hey buddy," I whisper as tears instantly fill my eyes and I do everything I can to hold them back.

"Kenni," he says, turning in Hawk's arms to come to me.

I take my nephew from Hawk and sit him on my lap. Wrapping my arms around his small body, I take a few minutes to just hold him close and relish the time I have left without him hating me. Looking up at Hawk, he crouches down in front of us, placing one of his hands on Gideon's back and his other one on my thigh.

"Before we get into what happened, I want to ask you somethin'," he says, a smirk on his lips as he looks at the hawk Gideon is clutching to his chest. "What's the significance of the hawk between the two of you?"

I can feel the heat creeping up on my skin as a blush moves from my chest up to my neck and face. I've never told anyone why I got Gideon the hawk when he was born. At that point, I already knew things were not good between my sister and Martin.

"Well, um, I read a while ago that the hawk symbolizes strength, courage, and clear vision. I wanted Gideon to know that he's strong as hell and when he doesn't have the courage to fight a battle in front of him, I'll be there for him. I'll also be his strength when he can't stand on his own. Kind of like now. I'll be the hawk he needs so he can get through this situation the best he can for his age," I tell him, not sure if I sound like a fucking idiot or not.

"I like that, baby. You must of read the same shit my dad did when I was born. He's the one who gave me my road name and I haven't looked back since. So, when you and Gideon don't have the strength and courage to get through the days you have coming up, I'll be your hawk to ensure you can stand on your own two feet and that you've got me at your back. The both of you do. We're gonna get through this, Sparky. Together," he promises me, leaning up to press his lips against mine while wrapping his arms around Gideon and me.

Nodding my head when Hawk finally pulls back. I turn my attention to Gideon.

"Baby G, I gotta tell you something. I know you're not gonna understand what I'm saying, but I need to try. Your mama isn't coming home, baby. She went up to Heaven so she can watch over you every day for the rest of your life," I tell him, keeping my voice soft and gentle despite the pain filling me.

"Mama," Gideon says, his voice wavering as he looks around the room.

My heart shatters in my chest because I know he's looking for Kelsey. I let my eyes land on Hawk as he takes my nephew from my arms and holds him close. Curling up on the end of the bed, I wrap my arms around myself in a weak, pathetic attempt to hold myself together. It doesn't work. Hawk sits down next to my feet and rubs a hand up and down my leg. I listen as he whispers to Gideon and explains to him the best he can that Kelsey won't be coming home but not why. He tells my nephew that she's an angel now and that she'll watch over and protect him in ways no one else can. I wish I could believe Hawk's words, but I know they're not true. They're what Gideon needs to hear right now.

"We should get him a session with his counselor. See if she can make sure he's okay," Hawk says as I open my eyes and I look at them.

"I agree. I'll call her in the morning and see if she can come to the clubhouse to work with him. There's so much to do and I have no clue where to start, Hawk. What am I supposed to do? How do I move forward without her? Not only do I have to bury her, but I have to get in touch with her lawyer because I know she had a will drawn up in case something like this happened. She knew how her life would end and I couldn't stop it," I cry, sobbing once again as the pain fills me so much I don't know how to get rid of it.

My chest hurts, head pounds, and I can't breathe. It feels as if my skin is wrapped around my body too tight and I'm going crazy trying to figure out how to take the next step forward. I can't see an end to this pain and the horrible way it makes me feel. If I feel this bad, how bad is it for my nephew? He can't express himself the way I can so we need to get his counselor here. Now and not in the morning because there's no time to waste when it comes to grief and getting him to start the journey of healing. It's gonna take a very long time before either one of us are okay again.

Sitting up on the bed, I ask Hawk for his phone. He doesn't hesitate to hand it over and I call the counselor from the warehouses. She's really good with Gideon. I just hope she can continue to work her magic on him and help us get him through this next phase of his life. I don't want him to lose all of the progress he's made so far because of this. She agrees to meet us here at the clubhouse tonight so she can talk to him. I thank her and hang up before Hawk leads us from the room we're in at the clubhouse and takes us to the common room. He sits the two of us at a table and goes in search of food for us. Gideon and I remain quiet and don't move as everyone in the room with us watches us closely. They're waiting for me to break and I'm not going to do that in front of them because it will only make me look even weaker than I already feel. So, I hold my tears back and keep my head held high when Hawk returns with plates of food and bottles of water for all three of us. I don't even wanna eat, but I know I have to. So, that's what I do as I wait for the counselor to show up.