21. Cora

21

CORA

C ora stood in front of the tree two days before Christmas, gazing at the soft glow of the lights.

The schools had a half-day today, so it was barely lunchtime and she and Sylvester were officially home for the holidays already. She had a ham in the oven and a pineapple upside down cake in the crock, which both smelled heavenly. Sylvester's gifts were already wrapped and under the tree. And for once, she had no papers to grade or lessons to plan. The two of them were about to enjoy a perfect afternoon.

But she couldn't help feeling like something was missing.

The pretty fir tree sparkled with golden lights that illuminated their precious family ornaments as well as the new paper snowflakes and chains they had made with Jared. They'd never had a prettier tree, and this one filled the room with the fresh aroma of the forest.

And that scent made her think of Jared .

No , she told herself firmly for the hundredth time. Don't think about him.

"We need some music," she told Sylvester, who was sitting on the floor by the tree, gazing at his presents.

She had expected him to be shaking them and turning them this way and that, trying to figure out what was in the pretty wrapping.

But he only looked through them with a vacant expression.

He didn't answer her about the music either, and she wondered if he was tired already. It was only midday, and they had just gotten home from the last day before the winter break. He should be excited.

He's probably crashing after the sugar high from all those cupcakes at school , she told herself.

"I'll put on the radio and we can dance," she decided, figuring it would be good to wear him out and get him ready to eat something sensible.

She headed to the kitchen, grabbed the radio, and brought it back to the living room. When she turned it on, "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" was playing.

"Perfect," she told Sylvester. "Come on."

"No thank you," he said politely. "I don't really feel like dancing right now."

Taken aback, she studied him, tilting her head.

"Shall we read your book?" she offered. "I can read to you, if you're tired."

"I don't want to finish it without Jared," he said, the disinterest in his voice finally collapsing into sadness. "Why doesn't he come to visit me anymore?"

Her heart sank as she realized the real reason her boy was feeling so down was the same reason she couldn't seem to get into the spirit herself.

"I'm sure he's busy with his own family's Christmas traditions," she said carefully, sitting down beside him.

"But he likes to share his traditions with us," Sylvester said.

She felt a pang of sadness, realizing how perceptive her son was. She was going to have to be a little more honest with him.

She wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

"Jared is a good friend, but he's been here an awful lot," she told him. "He's not part of our family. And sometimes it's nice to be just us, right?"

Sylvester shrugged. She could see his hand moving in his pocket and she knew his little thumb was rubbing his father's keychain for comfort.

Better that than him being in more trouble in school, or getting hurt because I let him spend too much time around a man who isn't careful.

But the thought was cold and empty in her mind. Jared was a good man and he had treated them kindly.

You can't have it both ways, she tried to tell herself.

"You really like him," she murmured, buying time.

"He makes things fun," Sylvester said. "And he never talks to me like I'm a little kid."

Cora smiled in recognition. That was true.

"And he makes you laugh," Sylvester said. "And helps you do things we don't usually do."

"Like what?" she asked, wondering which of the new things they'd done lately had won his heart.

"I don't know," he said. "We got a real Christmas tree, and we went to his house, and I played with all the kids, and we went to the town celebration, and you didn't worry about my asthma even once."

She smiled, feeling tears prickle her eyes as her son gazed up at the tree, wonder and pride in his expression as he looked at the pretty decorations the three of them had made together.

Something in her heart stirred and a little voice began to whisper in the back of her head.

Was she making a mistake by pushing Jared away?

She had been worried about Sylvester, but was she making things even worse for him by trying to shield him?

"I'm going to check on the cookies," she told Sylvester, squeezing his shoulder lightly before she got up.

She slipped into the kitchen and pulled her phone from her pocket, typing out a message and then retyping, trying to put what was in her heart onto the little screen, and then giving up and just trying to be straightforward.

Finally, she landed on a simple message. She tapped send before she could change her mind.

It's okay for you to come by and put a gate in the fence. We can talk afterward.

She wanted so badly to say more, but she knew it was best for her own heart and for Sylvester's to hold back just a little.

Maybe she and Jared could have a conversation and she could explain her fears. He had said he was ready to talk whenever she was. She had no idea if the big cowboy was willing to try to change his ways for Sylvester's sake, but maybe it wouldn't hurt ask.

She paced a little, wanting to pull herself together before she returned to her son. But she felt so lost and uncertain, with warring emotions tearing at her heart.

Cora usually didn't allow herself to speak to her husband, though she often longed to, especially in the beginning. He was in a better place now, and she knew he couldn't hear her. There was no point pretending differently, no matter how much she wanted it to be so.

But tonight, she wanted so badly to hear from the person who knew their son best—the only other person who could help her weigh the risk against the reward, and the only person she needed to think about before letting another man into their lives, in the way she knew Jared wanted to be with them.

Please tell me if this is wrong, Arthur, she begged inwardly. Please tell me if this is what our son needs, if it's what you would have wanted for both of us.

But of course he couldn't answer her. Cora had never felt more alone and responsible.

Her message to Jared hadn't been specific about timing, but if she knew Jared, he would be here today if he could. He missed them too. She could feel it in her bones.

She paced a little more, wondering what she was going to say to him when he arrived.

She had never been an impulsive person, never been one to go with her gut . But today, Cora Davies might just have to improvise.