15. Elliot

Since Tristian asked me to tell him about something I've done for Sadie, something out of love, I've been trying to find an answer.

The other morning, while I held Sadie close as she was purring on my knot, I promised myself I would find an answer. It should be easy. I do love her. But when I try to name something, I come up with jack shit.

We cuddle.

That's what I've got on my list.

But the whole pack does that. And even then, I don't know that I give those so much as take. I seek her touch, but is it for her? I'm pretty sure I'm the one who gets more out of it.

I can't even make love to her, not properly. We've had sex, but I always hold myself back and let her take the lead. I love every minute I'm in her arms, but it's too dangerous for me to take control. Not that I'd know what to do with it if I got it.

I've watched the way the others take her apart. Every time I see the way Graham and Tristian work together to unravel her, all three of their bodies locked in pleasure, I get as worked up as she does. And I can damn well guarantee that I can't do what they do, not like that.

Just the memory of them together is beyond hot. My dick agrees, plumping up in my shorts. It makes the stretch I'm working on uncomfortable as hell. My dick has decided to have a mind of its own, and I've been nonstop horny ever since I reopened the bond.

I sigh, twisting my arms and rolling into a plank, marinating on these thoughts as I have been the last two days.

Red has been feeling better since our talk the other morning. She spoke with Nicholas King and has officially stepped back from her role. She and Lo crafted a press release that explains she has passed on the LanCo recovery efforts to the Kings and government, opting to step back so those with experience can lead. It's obviously more complicated than that, and she does have some events she'll probably need to do in the future, but for the most part, it's official. I know she's torn up about it, but I like that she's safe with us instead of planning to return to the city.

She's got some energy back and is sleeping less, though she naps plenty. I was afraid with my bond back, she might regress, but so far, she's doing fine. Her bond hasn't been too much for me either. Whatever fears I had about being unable to sustain the bond seem to have been in my head.

And isn't that the bitch of it?Some days, I wish my head was a nicer place.

I've been watching how she is with the others, trying to see if their actions can guide me to an answer to Doc's question. I always tend to watch, observe, and only speak when I've got something to say. But now, I'm doing it with a goal in mind.

During our last session a couple of days ago, Dr. Bash suggested that I keep a list of what I think a good mate looks like. I started, but it's not so much a list as it is ingredients in a recipe. That seems to be the only way to wrap my thick head around it. Like Tristian's sourdough bread, except I'm making myself into a better mate.

I don't know what I'm doing. I sound like some wannabe hillbilly philosopher. But it helps to think of it like that.

I finish my morning warm-up and move to the back porch steps. Taking a sip from my water, I mull over my observations from breakfast. On the next page of my new pocket notebook, I write. Even though the words make me feel like an idiot.

How to Make Red Smile

—A bouquet of flowers left by Graham on the counter this morning

—Tristan's caramel latte with extra whipped cream (it made Red moan)

—Lo smarting off to Hunt about his attempt at cooking (this whipped her into a frenzy of giggles and perfume when Logan ended up with a spanking at the table)

—Graham's instructions for the pack date tonight made her swoon

I glance at the kitchen window, hiding my smile as I watch Sadie dance around doing chores.

Those things from this morning don't seem big, but her bond is thrumming with a peaceful contentment that satisfies my alpha, making me want to purr.

It's these little moments sprinkled throughout the day that Sadie seems to value as though they're treasures. I wonder if my pack realizes they're doing it? Is it intentional? How do you love someone on purpose?

When Doc asked me what I wanted him to teach me, I couldn't give him a good answer, but I think I can see the start of it now.

"You wanna knowwhy I do landscaping?" Graham's deep voice calls into the warm night air.

I sigh, pushing against the railing of the porch, my muscles threatening to rip the fabric of this too-tight dress shirt. The fact that I have several hanging in the pack closet is still shocking to me. Even after months of wearing them in the city, they make me feel as if I'm a brute about to bust out of my skin.

Our first pack date since Sadie's been home recovering is an award ceremony for Doc. Dinner beforehand at the steakhouse in town was good. Sadie didn't get sick from the scents in the restaurant, and we took up the entire patio, so I was able to relax a little. But the cramped old library the college is using for tonight's event is packed full of people.

I barely made it through watching Doc get his plaque before I had to find the nearest exit. Sadie tried to come with me, but I held her off. I could feel how much fun she was having talking with the omega librarian about a book they'd both read, and I didn't want to ruin her first night out.

I'm trying to learn how to be better for her, but I can't even manage a date without someone in the pack needing to rescue me. I guess Graham drew the short straw.

"Go back in, Graham. I'll be good in a minute."

"Naw. It's too stuffy in there, and Doc looks too sexy in that suit. Makes me want to steal him away from his big night to find a spot to make out in the stacks," Graham says, playing it off for me in that way he has of making things seem easy.

He leans against the railing, stuffing his hands in his suit pants' pockets. The light from the porch warms his skin, making him look like the epitome of effortlessness, like one of those pictures on a billboard of laughing people on vacation. Even his hair playfully curls around his ear. He's as comfortable here at this party as he is with his crew, digging around in the mud. It makes him easy to be around.

I decide to humor him. Isn't this what I'm trying to learn? How to open up? Not only with Sadie but my pack? Maybe I should practice being grateful for the good I've got. And maybe it's okay that he's here with me. I did what I came to do, which was to support Doc.

"You said it's ‘cause you like to be outside," I say.

"Huh?" he asks, turning to look at me in confusion.

"That's why you do landscaping? I think I've heard you say it's because you like to be outside."

His lips open into a surprised O. It shouldn't be surprising to him; I listen to my pack even if I don't always join in the conversations."Yeah, I do. After leaving the city, I didn't want to be inside anymore."

I make an effort to say the words instead of thinking them. "Makes sense to me. I hate feeling cramped. Except for Red's nest, my favorite places are outdoors. I always breathe better in open spaces."

Graham gawks at me, his face transforming into the silliest deer-in-headlights expression. "I'm afraid to break the spell. What do I do here? Do you know you said that aloud?"

I roll my eyes. "I talk."

"Yeah, El, you do. But you usually don't share." He knocks his shoulder against mine. "I like it."

He's teasing me, but it makes my chest feel warm. I like that he's joking with me as he does the others. It makes me feel a little less breakable or like a stick of dynamite ready to explode.

I wonder how Graham has kept his laughter, how he became this man. He says sometimes that his life before our pack was shallow, but it's hard to see it, even after watching him charm his way through this crisis.

Graham is playful. Shit rolls off his back, and he's never all that serious. But I don't think it's because he doesn't know how. When it matters, he's as steady as the roots in an old tree. He has a way of painting the world into the brightest version of itself, and when I'm around him, it makes it easier for me to see that possibility too.

My curiosity bubbles out as a question. "Yeah. But why not construction? You love to build stuff."

"True. I'm excellent with my hands," he says, deep voice full of innuendo.

My cheeks heat, my mind picking that moment to remember the first time I ever saw Graham and Tristian together. I came out of the hallway bathroom after a shower and couldn't look away from the sight of Graham's tan hand wrapped around Tristian's cock. I'd never seen two alphas together before that morning. I'd walked right back into my room, shut the door, and pretended it never happened.

To my surprise, my cock plumps up at the memory. Graham clears his throat, saving me from my wayward curiosity, and holds out his hand. I walk beside him down the stairs and into the large yard of the library. I try to shake off these new observations and reactions I'm having about my packmates, wondering why the fuck I'm suddenly so curious.

"I picked landscaping because of this arboretum in the city. Sometimes, I found myself there without knowing why. Weird, I guess, but the smell and the feel of the earth always put me at ease."

"It's not weird to me."

Smells can be triggers. But they also soothe. Right now, the sunshine in Graham's scent makes it feel like a day out on the lake, even in the center of town at night. It makes me want to lean into him, soak it in.

I wonder if his scent is like mine? Doc says Sadie and Graham smell like a garden in the city he used to visit, and I wonder if it's connected to Graham's arboretum. I find it comforting to think that they somehow found their way to each other in the city, as though it was always bound to happen one way or another. If that's the case, maybe I was bound to end up here too.

I clear my throat. "I escape outside all the time."

The usually silly alpha turns to me, his face full of compassion. "I get wanting to escape, El. But the truth was I never got anywhere until I was running toward something, not away from it." Graham plucks a strand of flowers from the vine growing on the fence that lines the property and places it in my jacket pocket. It feels as if he sears the spot with a brand, as if he's marked me as under his protection. I don't know why it's comforting, but it's as though he adds another layer of safety to my world. "Anytime you need that wide open space, let us come with you."

Laughter and conversation spill from the library when the front door opens. I close my eyes and take in what Graham said and the moment that passed between us. I don't know what it means, but I realize that it means something, that there's a shift happening between us. It reminds me of how I feel when I'm with Sadie. And lately, of when I look too long at Doc. But that isn't quite right. Each feels different, like a branch on the same tree. It's made of the same stuff, but the way it curls and grows is entirely unique.

Maybe it's because being around Graham makes me feel as if the sun is shining on my face, chasing away some of the darkest clouds. And maybe that's just pack? Love, in its many forms. Except it feels different from my friendship with Hunter. I look up to Hunter, but I don't ever find myself aware of him like I am of Graham and Doc.

Tristian's smooth voice calls from the porch. "Guys?"

"Over here, Doc." Graham looks at me, eyebrow raised, asking me if I want him to stay.

I walk toward the porch in answer, and Doc jogs down to us. His cheeks are pink, his scent is extra smooth espresso.

"Sorry, Doc. It got a little too crowded," I say.

He smiles at me. For reasons I don't understand but seem connected to this new awareness, it makes my stomach swoop and my heart flutter.

"No reason to apologize. It was crowded. I appreciate that you came," Doc says easily.

He gave me an out this afternoon. And again after dinner, telling me he would understand if I wanted to skip the reception. But it means a lot to Tristian that all of us are here to support him.

"Take a pack picture? Then I'm ready to go,"Tristian says.

"You got it, Doc," I say.

The rest of the pack meets us on the porch. Usually I skip these, opting to take the photo. I'm not sure I'm even in any more than the one we all took together at our bonding party with Sadie. Logan goes to hand me his phone, but I think of the notebook in my pocket.

"Why don't we ask someone from the party to take one of all of us?" I ask.

I know it's the right thing to do when Sadie gives me a quick brush of her lips, her bond full of happy little sparkles. "Thank you, Bear. You look yummy, and I want something to remember this night by."

I add joining in the picture to today's list in my head, thinking that maybe I'll be able to answer Tristian's question after all.

A colleague of Tristian's snaps photos. Graham has us do a silly one, but I forget to make a face when I see him and Sadie lean in to kiss Doc. All I can do is smile.

Graham cheers, wrapping his arm around his mate and escorting him off the porch. "I have an awesome idea to end this great night!"

Hunter drapes an arm around Red and then Lo, calling after Graham, "It better involve getting out of these clothes."

"I'm down for less clothes," Lo says, saucy as always.

Sadie ducks from under Hunter's arm and clings to me in a one-armed hug as we walk toward where we parked. "You up for it, Bear?"

I answer her with a kiss to her hair. The truth is, I'm up for anything with this pack.