Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
Ivy
I sat in my office chair, staring out at the view beyond the windows, lost in thought as my fingers skimmed my stomach. I couldn't seem to stop touching it, like my fingertips or the palm of my hand made the connection with the little thing growing inside me that much stronger. If I was like this now, where there was nothing at all to see, I could only imagine what I'd be like once I started showing.
On a deep breath, I looked away from the glass and down at my flat belly, wondering how it was even possible to love something with your whole heart that you couldn't feel or see or touch. The only reason I knew it existed—aside from the morning sickness that was still sticking around, though much more manageable now—was because a doctor told me so. Yet I knew I couldn't possibly love anything or anyone as much as I loved it.
And because of that love, I knew I had to make things right between me and this little chickpea's father. There were a million different ways to have a family. It wasn't required that Connor and I be together in order to raise this baby in a happy, healthy home. There was no reason we couldn't co-parent successfully, but that wouldn't happen as long as we hated each other. At the very least, our chickpea deserved two parents who got along.
When he'd driven away last night, I'd spent hours pacing my house, chewing on my thumbnail and worrying my cuticles until I made a mess of them. My anxiety that something bad might happen grew and grew until I couldn't take it anymore and ended up calling Rae in the middle of the night.
It wasn't until I knew he was safe on the ranch and Zach was with him that I'd been able to relax. He'd looked so defeated, and I hated the thought of him being alone with those feelings. Knowing he had a friend in his corner put me at ease, but sleep had been impossible. I'd tossed and turned all night, picturing the sadness lurking in his eyes at what I said. I hadn't meant to hurt him, I didn't want him to think I intended to trap him, or that I expected he give up the life he'd worked for because one of the stupid condoms decided not to do its job. I didn't want him to think he had to put a ring on my finger in order to make things right. But I made a mess out of the whole thing, and instead of putting his mind at ease, I'd insulted him.
I hated that he left thinking I had such a low opinion of him. Despite everything, I knew he was a good person, a good man. He did some shitty things, sure. But who hadn't? I wasn't really one to judge on that front. The truth was, I knew down to my soul I could trust Connor to be a good father to our child.
Rising from the chair, I walked over to the huge wall of glass and looked at the ranch below. The barn was too far away for me to see from here, and I wasn't sure he was there, but that didn't stop me from trying to see if I could somehow spot him from the safety of my perch.
"I have it on good authority that he's down at the pen helping Zach with a couple new fillies that came in yesterday."
I turned to look over my shoulder, spotting Rae standing in the doorway of my office, her arms crossed over her chest and her shoulder propped on the doorframe. She was dressed in her version of business attire: a pair of jeans that looked like they might have been an offshoot of her previous life in the city, a pair of boots, and a pretty floral top that was the perfect combination of casual and smart. Since she managed ranching operations and did that out of an office tucked into the barn, she was able to dress more casually than I was.
There wasn't a dress code at the lodge, per se, but I didn't want our guests to think this was some backwoods, hick operation, so today I was wearing a pair of wide-leg black slacks, a silky cream blouse, and black patent leather pumps with four-inch heels.
I shot a smile in her direction. I didn't bother lying and telling her I wasn't searching for Connor. We both knew the truth. "And that good authority would be you, right? Since you just came from that way?"
She pushed off the door frame and lifted her shoulder in a shrug. "Maybe. I figured the two of you might want to talk. Without an argument breaking out this time."
She'd figured right. I'd spent the first half of the day trying to summon the courage to seek him out, and there was no point in delaying it any longer.
"Thanks, Rae."
She turned, offering a smile over her shoulder. "You can thank me by talking to him. It's not about you two anymore. You have someone else to consider."
She disappeared down the hallway, leaving me alone to consider the wisdom of her words, and in less than a minute, I was following the same path she'd taken, heading out the back of the lodge to the shed where we kept the UTVs for staff members who needed to get from one place on the ranch to another without climbing onto a horse.
I didn't know if the two of them were in cahoots, or what, but Zach was standing outside the barn when I pulled up and parked the UTV beside the line of ranch trucks the cowboys and ranch hands used.
"Hey," I greeted with a wave as he pulled off his work gloves and tucked them into the back pocket of his jeans.
"Hey, honey." He gave a long, scrutinizing look. "You look a lot better than the last time I saw you."
"Thanks." I offered a grin. "I feel better."
He crossed his arms over his chest, his lips curving upward. "I heard congratulations are in order."
I lifted my hand unconsciously and placed it on my belly. "Uh, yeah. It's still a little bit of a shock. But it's good news."
"For the both of you." His eyes held mine intently. "He's a good man, sweetheart."
"I know," I replied instantly. "I know, Zach. Things are just... complicated."
"I get that." He reached out and gave my forearm an affectionate squeeze. "But I have no doubt the two of you can work this out together. Just have patience with one another, yeah?"
The lump in my throat made my voice come out raspier than normal. "Yeah, Zach. We'll do that."
He gave me a nod, leaning in to place a brotherly kiss to my cheek before moving past me. I headed through the barn, stopping for a moment at Gretel's enclosure to say hi and give her a little loving before moving on to the pen where they trained the new horses.
Connor stood in the center of the pen beside the big black animal, and the sight of him shirtless in a pair of faded jeans and dusty boots caused my mouth to dry right up. The jeans hugged his firm, round ass and thick thighs. His skin was a beautiful golden tan and stretched over defined muscles that flexed and rolled as he stroked a hand along the horse's nose in a soothing gesture.
I was already well aware of the man's physique, but something about seeing him like this, on display, his body shimmering with sweat from a hard day's work, made all the moisture in my body travel south. My panties were damp and my nipples hard just from looking at him. It was like I was in a trance. I didn't realize I was staring until his voice broke through.
"If you want me to flex for you, butterfly, all you have to do is say so. I'm more than happy to put on a show."
My cheeks heated instantly, and I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth to keep my smile at bay. "Who said anything about wanting a show?"
He glanced at me over his shoulder, his smirk making his dimples pop. "Figured it was what you wanted with how hard you were starin'."
"I wasn't staring." His cheeky grin told me he knew I was full of shit. I rolled my eyes on a huff and gave in. "Oh, all right. I was staring. But come on, you know what you look like."
The chuckle he let loose worked wonders in easing the tension that had been wrapped around my muscles since he drove away the night before. He gave the horse a loving pat on its side before sauntering toward me. I figured since I'd been caught once, might as well make the most of it, and ogled the living shit out of him as he drew closer. I knew from the stories he told me that his body wasn't honed in a gym, but on the back of a bull. He exercised occasionally to stay in shape, but his firm pecs and the ridges formed across his abdomen were mostly from riding.
He stopped across the railing from me and braced his forearms on the top rung of the metal panel that separated us, making his biceps pop. "You get your fill or you want me to go back and take that walk again?" He hiked his thumb over his shoulder. "I can go slower this time."
I scrunched my mouth to the side to keep from laughing. "Nah. I'm good, but thanks." I was still attracted to him— big time —there was no use denying that, but it didn't matter. We'd had our fun and the consequences of that had reared up and slapped us in the face. It didn't matter that he made my knees feel like jelly or caused my pulse to race. It was like Rae had said... it wasn't about us anymore. We had another life to consider.
Those rich brown eyes skated over my features, growing serious as he looked me over. "You look good. Your color's back."
"Thanks. I feel a lot better."
He nodded, pulling in a deep breath through his nose. "I'm glad, butterfly."
My belly swooped at his use of the nickname he'd given me during those months we'd been getting to know each other. He said it was because my wild nature had me flitting from one thing to the next, like a butterfly. When he used it at Rae and Zach's rehearsal, after he'd run out on me, it had hurt. But the pain seemed to have drifted away when I wasn't paying attention.
"I..." I paused, licking my lips and giving myself time to think through what I wanted to say. I didn't want to screw this up a second time. "About what I said last night?—"
He lifted a hand and attempted to wave me off. "Hey, don't sweat it. Water under the bridge. Just forget about it."
"It's not though." I took a step forward, gripping the rung beneath the one he was leaning against, making the difference in our heights all the more obvious. That was one of the things I'd always loved about him; how he towered over me. "I don't want to forget about it. I want to apologize."
His brows dipped in at the center, but he remained silent. His chest stopped moving, and I got the impression he was holding his breath as he waited to see what I might say next.
"I'm sorry, Connor. What I said last night..." I shook my head. "It came out all wrong. I don't think you're a piece of shit. I don't think you'd abandon your responsibilities or bail on your child," I said, repeating the words he'd used from the night before. "I could never think that. You might have hurt me, but... I feel like I know the real you, deep down."
"You do," he said quickly, his fingers gripping the metal tight enough to turn his knuckles white. "You do know me, Ivy."
I nodded and inhaled deeply, holding it for a beat before blowing it back out. "I think you're going to be a great dad, Connor." His chin jerked back in shock, but I pushed on, wanting to get it all out there. "I think, if we put all the shit from the past aside, we can make this work."
His lips parted on a shaky exhale right before a slow smile creeped across his lips, stretching them wide until he was smiling at me so beautifully it made my legs shaky. God, it really should have been criminal how gorgeous his smile was.
"You do?"
"Yeah. There's no reason we can't do this, right?"
"Not at all."
Relief made my shoulders slump. "Great! So you agree, then. We can be friends and co-parent this kid together."
Some of the brilliance faded from his smile as the corners of his lips dipped. For a second I thought I might have read the situation wrong, but then he blinked and nodded. "For sure. Yeah. Total agreement."
Thank God . "The logistics might be a little hard to work out. I mean, I know your job keeps you on the road a lot, but?—"
"I'm stayin'."
"I—" I rocked back on a heel. "What?"
"I'm stayin'. I'm movin' to Hope Valley."
"But . . . what about bull riding?"
He roughed a hand over his jaw and stared off to the side like he was giving my question some thought. "I lived on the road the way I did mainly because I didn't have any responsibilities keepin' me in one place. Obviously, that's changed now." He waved a hand toward my stomach. "I can have my home base wherever I want and travel to the different events I'm competing in, and I want that home base to be here."
I wasn't sure what I'd been expecting him to say, but it sure as hell hadn't been that. "Oh."
"I want to be a part of this baby's life, Ivy. I want to be a part of your pregnancy." His shoulders squared and his chin lifted, and I watched in awe as determination slid over his massive frame. "I want to prove to you that I'm in this. One hundred percent."
I didn't realize until that very moment how badly I'd needed that reassurance from him. "Okay," I said quietly.
He nodded, his features growing resolute. "So we're in agreement."
"Right."
"Great. So I'll move in this weekend."
"Alright—wait. What ?"
He smiled, and I knew I'd somehow played right into the bastard's hand. "I told you I wanted to be a part of this. The best way to do that is to be close to you. The best way to be close to you is by living together. So I'm moving in."
"The hell you are!" I shrieked.
He reached over the railing and brushed his thumb across my jaw in a soothing gesture. "Shh, sweetheart. You can't go gettin' worked up over every little thing. It's not good for the baby."
Oh, that son of a bitch. I clenched my hands and stomped my foot as I demanded, "You are not moving in with me."
He lifted a shoulder, the picture of calm and casual. "We'll see. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to work."
He turned around and headed toward the horse, leaving me so steamed I couldn't appreciate watching his ass as he walked away.
I was going to murder him.