Chapter 17

Chapter Seventeen

Ivy

I didn't sleep for almost two days, but it was damn close.

When I finally did wake up, so much time had passed that I wasn't sure what time it was. Or even what day it was. The bone-deep exhaustion that had been clinging to me like a needy koala for weeks had finally lightened up, and once I'd showered, going through my whole skin and haircare routine, and put on fresh clothes, I felt like a brand-new person.

I'd decided to call off work for another day to make sure I didn't backslide, and spent that time curled up on my couch in front of the television and talking to Rae and Lennix to assure them I really was all right.

"So he's still there?"

At Rae's question I crunched into a piece of buttered toast as I stood at the window that overlooked my driveway. Apparently, while I'd been catatonic, Connor had taken it upon himself to camp out in my driveway—his compromise on giving me space—so he wasn't in my face, but close enough to help if I needed it.

"Yep." I crunched the bite and swallowed it down as I stared at the shadowy figure curled up in the back seat of Connor's truck. How a man his size could sleep comfortably in such a tiny space was beyond me. "I feel a little bad," I admitted, my hand drifting down to rest on my stomach for the millionth time that day. It was like now that I knew there was a teeny tiny living thing inside there, I couldn't stop touching it. "He has to be miserable, right? Squeezed in there like that?"

"If he didn't need a chiropractic adjustment before, I'm sure he needs one now," Rae said, making me feel even worse for leaving him out there all this time instead of letting him in. I would have been lying if I said I hadn't melted just a little when I found out he'd been sleeping in my driveway, refusing to leave in case I needed him. It was that side of him that he'd shown me when we were first getting to know each other. The side that caused me to start falling for him. With how things had ended, it had been easy to forget all the good things I learned about him over those months. Now I was starting to remember, and it made my resolve to keep him out of my life for good that much weaker.

I'd taken the time I'd been awake to really think about this pregnancy and what it meant for my life, and while there was a part of me that was terrified of what was to come, there was also a larger part that was excited.

Sure, the path to having my own family had been a lot different when I pictured it in my head, but the outcome was still the same. I was going to have a baby. And the more I reminded myself of that, the more connected I felt to the little bean growing inside of me.

Heaving out a breath, I let go the wooden blinds and let them fall back into place before stepping away from the window. "You're right. I'll let you go. It's probably time I talk to him anyway. He's been out there for two days."

"Okay, sweetie. Call me if you need anything. I'm here for you. We all are."

I wasn't sure if it was the stress from the past couple days or the pregnancy hormones that suddenly had me feeling weepy. "Thanks, honey. Love you."

"Love you back."

I disconnected the call and pulled in a fortifying breath, trying to summon the courage to talk to Connor. I made him that promise a couple days earlier, and I intended to keep it. The sun had already started to dip behind the mountains along the horizon, casting the sky in beautiful shades of purple that started off as a soft lavender before deepening into indigo the lower it got. My slippers scuffed along the concrete of my driveway as I trudged out my back door to Connor's truck, pulling my cardigan tighter around me to ward off the chill in the air that came with the darkening sky.

Through his tinted windows I could see his large form folded up in the back seat in a position that looked uncomfortable. His legs were wedged between the two front seats and stretching almost all the way to the dash. One arm was thrown over his eyes, and the other was flopped off the bench seat beneath him and resting on the floor. He looked miserable, and I felt like an asshole.

When I knocked on the glass to get his attention, his whole body jolted. He bolted upright, smacking his head on the roof of the cab at the same time his elbow flew back and slammed into the window. "Motherfucking fucker! Shit ass goat fucker!" he shouted, rubbing at his sore appendages.

"Sorry! Sorry," I squeaked holding my hands up and jumping back from the door just as he flung it open. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

He finagled himself out of the backseat, still rubbing at his head as he gave me a squinty-eyed look. "Are you... laughing ?"

I curled my lips between my teeth and bit down to keep from smiling as I gave my head a shake.

He rubbed at his eyes and let out a jaw-cracking yawn as he stretched himself out. "Everything okay? Do you need me to take you back to the hospital?"

"No, no. Everything's fine," I assured him, appreciating his concern. "I was, um..." I tugged at the collar of my T-shirt and cleared my throat. "I was wondering if you wanted to come inside. To talk," I added quickly so he wouldn't get the wrong idea. "I promised that when I was ready, I'd talk to you, and, well, I'm ready if you are."

His Adam's apple bobbed on a swallow. "Yeah. Yeah, sure. I'm ready. If you're ready I'm totally ready."

The corner of my mouth ticked up in a little grin, the nervous rambling making him a little more endearing to me.

It was like a switch flipped the moment Connor stepped across the threshold and into my house. I was suddenly nervous to share my space with him. He'd only been here one other time, and that visit hadn't exactly ended well.

He was so damn big that every room he entered felt smaller in his presence. I couldn't stop wondering what he thought of the eclectic artwork or the old velvet mismatched furniture in a wide array of bright colors.

I fidgeted in place, twisting my fingers together in front of me as he took in Aunt Sylvia's old macrame designs on the walls or the wild paint choices. Last time we'd been a little too busy trying to kiss each other's faces off so I didn't think he'd been paying much attention to his surroundings.

"Didn't notice how colorful it was in here before," he said softly as he turned in a circle, taking in what he could see from the living room area. "I love it."

My brows pinched in surprise. "You do?"

"Of course." He grinned at me then, wide enough to make those dimples of his pop. "It's you. Wild and bright and fun. It matches your personality perfectly."

My cheeks infused with heat as I lowered my face. "Thanks," I whispered.

He took a step closer, closing enough of the distance between us that I could smell his woodsy, leathery scent. I'd always loved how he smelled. It was rugged and manly and sexy. And it was doing crazy things to my insides. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay, actually. A lot better. That medicine the doctor gave me really worked wonders."

"I'm glad to hear that." A shiver ran through me at his gentle tone, and when he reached up to tuck a lock of hair behind my ear, his rough fingers scraping lightly at the sensitive skin on my neck, my whole body broke out in goosebumps.

I took a quick step back, knowing I needed to put distance between us, mainly because of how badly I wanted to lean into his touch. "Um... do you want something to drink? I have water, iced tea, soda... or I got a new ale from Lennix that they just introduced at the Tap Room. It's really good." My features pulled into a slight pout. "I won't be able to drink it now so you might as well finish it off."

Damn , and I'd really been looking forward to enjoying that beer too.

His smile stretched wider and I told myself that the fluttering sensation in my tummy was pregnancy related; I was full of shit. "Water is fine."

"Great," I chirped, my nerves making my voice higher than I'd intended. "Just, uh... take a load off, I guess. I'll be right back."

I whipped around and power-walked into the kitchen like my ass was on fire. "Good lord, get your shit together," I scolded myself on a whisper before whipping the refrigerator open and stuffing my face inside to cool my burning skin.

It wasn't like the guy was a stranger, yet for some reason I was acting like a freaking virgin on prom night. Which was laughable, given that the predicament we were in was proof of just how far from a virgin I actually was.

Filling a glass from the tap, I headed back into the living room, determined to get this over with. It was a serious talk that needed to be had, and I figured the best way to handle it was to just get it over with.

"Here you go." I handed him the glass and moved over to the deep blue wingback chair across from the couch where Connor was sitting, snuggling into the plush cushion and pulling my feet up to tuck beneath me. I waited as he drank, watching how his throat worked as he swallowed down the water before diving right in.

"So, I've given this a lot of thought, and I decided I want to keep the baby."

His shoulders slumped on a sigh. "I'm really glad," he said with relief, and I realized then that I'd been worried he might be disappointed with my decision. Hearing that he was happy about it eased a lot of the tension that had my shoulders bunched up around my ears.

I hugged my knees tighter to my chest. "I want you to know that I don't expect anything from you. You can be as involved as you want to be, and if you decide this isn't something you want, I'm totally okay with that. I can raise this baby on my own. I don't want you to think you're being pressured into anything. This was a shock for both of us, and I get that you might need more time to figure out what you want to do. I know how important your job is for you, and I don't want you to think I expect you to give anything up so you can move here and help out. I'm good. I'm fine, really. I can do this by myself."

I didn't realize that I'd been rambling, pouring every sentence out without taking a single breath, until I finished on a heavy exhale, expelling the air that had been trapped in my lungs.

I clamped my mouth shut and waited for his response. I wasn't sure what I'd been expecting, but it sure hadn't been for him to shoot off the couch with a barked, "What the fuck?"

My chin jerked back, my eyes widening. "I—what?"

Connor's face was growing redder by the second. "What. The. Fuck ?" he repeated in a booming voice that made me jump.

"I-I don't understand."

He reached up and raked his fingers through his hair before rubbing at the back of my neck. "Christ, I knew you hated me, but I didn't realize your opinion of me was that low. You really think I'd abandon my responsibilities? That I'd bail on my own fucking child?"

"I—" I shook my head, unsure of what to say in light of his anger. "I'm sorry. I didn't think..."

"You might think I'm a piece of shit, but I'm going to be a part of this baby's life."

I wasn't sure I could have felt any lower than I did in that very moment. "I don't think that," I said on a whisper, my eyes burning with tears I was frantically trying to blink away.

"Could have fooled me."

He turned on his boot and started out of the living room, and without giving it a single thought, I shot out of the chair and followed after him. "Where are you going?"

He paused with the front door open, his head falling forward as he massaged the back of his neck. I hated the defeated slump of his shoulders, and I hated that it was my fault. "I'm going for a drive. I need some air."

"But..." I bit down on the inside of my cheek to stop myself from crying. I wasn't a big crier, but this was the third time in less than thirty minutes that the desire to bawl had come over me. If this was an indicator of what the next several months were going to be like I was not looking forward to it. "I thought we were going to talk."

"We will," he said, his tone void of any emotion. "But right now I'm the one that needs a little space."

With that, he pulled the door closed behind him, leaving me feeling like the worst person in the world.