23. Ash

CHAPTER 23

ASH

I'd made up my mind to finally come out to my team, though it had been a couple of weeks since I made that resolution and I'd been procrastinating. Jay assured me that he didn't mind if we kept things a secret till I finished out my contract. His logic was that if I was set on retiring, then there wasn't a need for my team to know.

But I'd never keep Jay a secret.

Jay had acted a bit weird when off-season training first started, but I figured he was adjusting to the new schedule like I was. Some days, training would end late, which meant I'd head back to my own condo so I didn't disturb Jay's sleep. And that meant the time we'd spent together had decreased as well.

I was also adjusting to the new normal. I hated the time apart from Jay, but I'd also promised myself that I would give it my all in my last year.

It was terrifying to think about, and I hadn't discussed it with anyone yet, but my heart was telling me it was time to retire. The NFL had been my goal for most of my life, but I'd learned it was a goal I'd inherited from my dad. It was our dream together, which had slowly morphed into an obligation I needed to fulfill when he'd passed.

And though I didn't regret my time with the Troopers, I knew my dad wouldn't be proud to see me dragging myself down a path that I was no longer passionate about. This wasn't a decision that I came to lightly, either. I'd had my doubts, going back and forth about retiring for a while, but I made my decision on the night of Howie and Mia's engagement.

I watched them as they promised to walk down the same path in the future, and it was everything that I wanted for Jay and me. If I stayed in the NFL, the time we'd be apart would undoubtedly add up.

Time away from home and my loved ones was one of the tradeoffs of being an NFL player that I liked the least. Long days of training and frequent trips to away games left us not a lot of time to spend with my family for most of the year.

But if I retired, I wouldn't have to leave them. I wouldn't have to leave Jay…

I wouldn't say my decision to retire after my contract ended was solely based on Jay, but he played a big factor in it. He played a major role in helping me understand that it was time to start living for myself again and reassessing what role football played in my life.

Now all that was left was to tell my agent and everyone else on the team. As if knowing I was thinking about him, my phone rang with a call from my agent.

My hand rested on the phone, and probably curious why I wasn't answering it, Jay looked over. I understood his question in his gaze and nodded to confirm it was the call I'd been preparing for. Jay immediately came to sit beside me on the couch and squeezed my hand in support.

I answered and heard shouting before I could even get a proper "hello" in.

"Jesus, where the hell have you been, boy? I know you're busy with training, and that's why I didn't bother you till now, but don't you know how to pick up a damn phone? I was about to go hunt you down!"

It was true I'd been screening my calls from him for a while, because I needed more time to think about my future. But I was done running away from my problems. It was time to face them.

I couldn't help the smile that tugged at my lips from Carlos's complaints. He was a giant of a man, who was even taller than I was, but had a heart of gold. He was kind to those he'd cared for, though his shrewdness was what made him a great agent.

Carlos had scouted me my senior year of high school, saying he'd been watching me since I was a freshman and saw my potential. He'd brought me under his wing and did his damn best to get me a competitive contract despite me being a rookie, though I was sure he'd made a pretty penny as my agent.

"Sorry, I've been?—"

"Busy," he interrupted me. "Yeah, yeah. Like I haven't heard that line a million times before. But seriously, you've been too busy to pick up a damn phone call? You boys need to start coming up with something new. You can't just pull a disappearing act on me like that. What if you had died in a ditch somewhere? How would I know?"

I smiled and held back my quip that if I had died in a ditch somewhere it was really unlikely that I'd be the one to tell him, unless I came back as a ghost to haunt him.

"Anyway, I'm calling to check in. I assume you've had enough time to lick your wounds? Don't slack on your workouts just because of one loss. Next season is your season. I can just feel it in my toes."

I snorted. "The only thing your toes are feeling is the sweat under your feet. My game is off. Who the hell knows if the team will keep me as a starter?" I'd promised myself to give it my all even if I wasn't picked as a starter this upcoming season. I wouldn't leave the league with any regrets.

"Aw, kid, don't be so hard on yourself. You killed it out on the field, and sure, you guys didn't make it to the playoffs, but the Troopers are also a new team, still inexperienced. And while the team has a bright future ahead of them, making the playoffs isn't as easy as pie. But that doesn't make you a bad player. You've grown a lot in the past three years. "

I was silent, still in shock at his words. I wasn't just seeking an ego stroke, but these doubts, the feeling of not being good enough was a hard one to dispel—and I was positive I wasn't the only ball player to feel that.

However, this didn't change the fact that I needed to tell my team about my new relationship status and my decision. It was probably better if they heard it from me and had time to prepare rather than being caught off guard.

"Listen, Carlos. Before any of that, there's something I need to tell you," I started.

"Oh, hell, that sounds serious. Please don't tell me you knocked up some chick. The last thing we need right now is a scandal when your record has always been clean."

Jay was now snuggled into my side, calmly stroking the back of my hand in silent support. This was going to be a hard conversation to have with Carlos, but with Jay here with me, it didn't seem as daunting anymore.

"It's not that," I said, chuckling at how frustrated he sounded. He'd never have to worry about a pregnancy scandal since there was no chance in hell I was leaving Jay. "But I am seeing someone."

I could practically feel the relief from Carlos's sigh just as I felt Jay tense in my arms at the silence. I smiled at him reassuringly as I waited for Carlos's reply.

"Oh, that's nice. You should introduce me sometime. I can't wait to meet the woman who's finally caught the loner's heart," he said.

I'd never told him I was bi, but I still hated the way he'd automatically assumed it was a woman.

"It's a man," I said, leaving out any emotion from my voice. I didn't think Carlos was homophobic. Our team had a number of already out folks, and he'd never said anything negative about them.

Holding my breath, I waited for a response that soon came. "That's cool too, as long as he makes you happy."

I relaxed, hoping the team was able to accept it just as easily, though I doubted Coach cared. He'd probably be more concerned about how my dating would affect my play.

Carlos quickly went into agent mode, listing out the steps we now needed to cover. He asked if I wanted to have an official coming out, but I declined. The straight people didn't need to announce their straightness, so I didn't see a need to announce my bi-ness. My sexuality was nobody's business besides mine.

I couldn't care less what the strangers on the screen thought about me and my dating life, anyway. The only reason I was telling my team about my dating life was out of a sense of duty, and so that they wouldn't be caught off guard.

Carlos was talking a mile a minute as we discussed what this would mean for me and the team. Knowing him, he was about to throw himself completely into this problem until it was resolved, but I still needed to get something out before that happened.

"Wait, slow down," I interrupted him. "There's something else I need to tell you."

"Jesus, kid. Can't you let me process one thing at a time? Let me prevent one fire before attending to another, okay?" Carlos grumbled.

I laughed but didn't back down. "Sorry, this can't wait. You're gonna want to know this now."

I took a deep breath, remembering all the years Carlos and I fought together in the league. He'd always been by my side, and I couldn't help feeling like I was letting him down. But my fear of disappointing him wasn't a good reason to stay, either. I needed to follow my own path that I'd set myself.

"Listen, I really can't thank you enough for everything you've done for me. I truly wouldn't be where I am now if it wasn't for you," I started, but Carlos interjected.

"What the hell, Ash? Why does it sound like you're calling it off?"

"Because I guess I am. I'm retiring after my contract ends," I blurted out, not giving myself any time to chicken out.

The silence over the phone stretched so long that I had to check to make sure the call hadn't dropped. It was a full minute later that Carlos finally spoke. "Is this because of last season? Look, you played a great game, kid. A loss never falls on a single player."

I smiled at how he was trying to comfort me when it made more sense for him to be screaming at me. I'd basically told him I was quitting as his client. But Carlos wasn't that kind of person. That was something I was fully aware of after years of working with him.

"That's not the reason," I said softly.

"Then talk me through this. Help me understand."

So I told him how I'd been feeling in the past year. How much I loved football, but then the NFL had started feeling more like a job, an obligation, than anything else.

Sure, being an NFL player was a job, but it was different from other ones. Here, without the talent and drive to keep moving forward, you would inevitably be pushed out by someone better, younger .

I'd lost my drive somewhere along the way, and Carlos knew it too if the heavy silence that followed my explanation was anything to go by. He didn't argue with me or try to convince me to stay—even though it was in his best interest to do so.

"Are you sure about this?" was all he said after another few minutes of silence.

I looked at Jay. He'd helped me realize that even without the league, football would always be a part of me.

I didn't even hesitate as I replied that I was dead serious about this decision. It wasn't one I took lightly. The Troopers had been my life for the past three years, and I'd miss the team like hell. But I knew it was time .

"I can't say I'm happy to hear this…but I respect your decision," Carlos said.

We spent another ten minutes discussing what this meant for this upcoming season and making plans for an in-person meeting with Coach. This was going to be a lot to dump on him at once, but it was something that needed to be done.

Jay stayed by my side the entire time and waited patiently till I got off the phone.

"I'm so fucking proud of you," he said when the call ended. He climbed onto my lap and pressed a sweet kiss to my lips. The action was all about comfort, and a declaration that he was here with me. He didn't have to say it out loud for me to know that.

"I love you," I said. The words barely expressed the almost suffocating emotions I held for him.

He beamed. "I love you, too," he replied.

The emotions didn't feel so heavy anymore. They were wings that carried me forward to my next adventure with the man I loved by my side.