15. Parker

15

Dear Diary—

Dear Journal?—

Dear OhMyGodWhatIsHappeningInMyLifeRightNow?—

The made-for-TV movie is heading straight toward tragedy. After last night, I'm sorry to report that I'm officially falling for a guy who has no intention of keeping things going between us once I'm out of sight and out of mind. At least, in good news, he told me that he doesn't like to lie to people about that sort of thing, so when it's time to cut me loose I'll know that I'm being cut loose for good?

Good news is supposed to feel like a knife through the heart, right?

I just seriously have no idea what I'm supposed to do. The only thing running through my mind is forcing this car over to the side of the road and trying to shake a confession out of him. There's no way he's not feeling what I'm feeling, is there? There's no way I'm really the only person falling alone…

Unless I was right about the whole tragedy thing then I guess this is just par for the course (what does this mean in golf language? Will look up later).

Fuck, diary/journal/thenamewillcometomeeventually…

I think I might really be in trouble here.

"What are you writing about?"

Nicholas' question came from the driver side of the car, his hands relaxed against the wheel in front of him. I peeked up from my journal, taking in the scenery unfolding all around us as we drove down the road. Nicholas had pitched going on a hike this morning, somewhere he said would be breathtaking and scenic. I'd never heard of the exact location he'd mentioned but I was willing to take his word for it, my instincts always betting on the side of trusting him.

Although, if our current location was anything to judge the hiking spot by, it was already taking my breath away. The road ahead of us was nothing but trees and mountain, all the telltale signs of the city stripped away, not even a single billboard cluttering up our field of vision. The trees themselves seemed like they were reaching down to greet us, leafy branches stretched out toward the road and the sky both. I was quietly wishing that Nicholas' truck had the kind of roof that came down, allowing me to have a moment with the wind blowing in my hair, my hands futilely reaching back up toward the trees, anything to get a feel for the nature that already surrounded us.

"Just about the trip." It was a half-truth, my intention to chronicle the hiking trip itself next on my list of things to write down after having my emotional freak-out on the page.

"Good things, I hope?" Nicholas asked, his tone lined with genuine concern.

"Always." I reassured him with a soft smile. I reached for one of the coffees he'd packed for us back at home, carefully sipping its still-a-little-too-warm contents out of a cozy thermos. There was apple cider, too, hanging out in the cupholders in the backseat, just as warm and just as waiting as the coffees. Nicholas had also packed a blanket for me, one that was currently sitting across my lap, a perfect space to hold my journal as I gave it a temporary rest.

Ugh.

Everything about the car right now was so blissfully domestic. The kind of blissfully domestic that it was dangerous to get attached to, the kind where things felt a little too perfect, a little too safe. Even though after last night, I knew that I would've been all too happy to buy into that kind of domestic bliss with Nicholas, something behind my chest yearning to be lost in it with him…

But I knew better than to fall for any of it if I didn't want to end up with my heart torn up into tiny, little pieces.

"What's in the backpack?" I asked, eager to distract myself from my current train of thought. "The one you threw in the back before we took off?"

"Nothing." Nicholas casually shrugged. "Just extra gear. I figured it was better to be safe than sorry."

"Extra gear? We're not climbing up the side of a mountain or something, are we?"

"Not exactly, no."

"Good." I relaxed in my seat, taking another sip of my coffee. "Because there's no way I'm prepared for that after last night."

"About last night…"

"Yeah?"

"Was that… okay for you?" Nicholas quietly pressed. "Everything that we did?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, we didn't do anything that pushed any boundaries for you, did we? I know we'd been drinking, and I just wanted to make sure that everything was?—"

"Everything was perfect, Nicholas," I interrupted, with a small, contented sigh. "Probably some of the best sex I'll ever have in my whole life."

"That's high praise." Nicholas smiled. "You sure you want to give me that one?"

"It's deserved praise," I clarified as I smiled now, too. "And yeah, I think I'll let you have this one, just this once."

"I think you should pick the next hiking spot," Nicholas suggested, his eyes returning to the road ahead of us.

"The next hiking spot? Nicholas, I don't know how much longer I'm really going to be here?—"

"Maybe it's something we can do whenever you come back around, then," he cut me off, his tone calm. "I just think I've been hogging all the planning recently. It'd be nice for us to go somewhere you were interested in going, too."

"Right. Whenever I come back around…" My words trailed off as I spoke, something warm blossoming in my stomach at the realization.

Nicholas wanted me to come back around.

For someone who'd wanted to keep things practical, this didn't exactly fit the bill.

I smiled to myself, delighted at the thought of coming back around someday, Nicholas and I taking a hiking trip of my choosing, us meeting again at some predetermined time. And while it was a dangerous kind of fantasy, I let myself sink into it even further, my mind racing with thoughts of me and Nicholas in the future, something between us shifting from practical to something so much more?—

"We're almost there." Nicholas' voice threw off my train of thought, excitement lingering on his every word. "Just a few more minutes and it should be just around the corner."

I looked over at him, letting myself get lost in a daydream, one where this was more like our hundredth hiking trip, something we'd done so many times before that we had all the right moves down, had all the right expectations. I imagined myself reaching for Nicholas' hand, holding it tight until we reached the hiking spot, and continuing that same affection all throughout the trip. I imagined openly admitting to him how I felt, hearing him say those words back, but because we'd already confessed before none of it was a big deal, more like repeating something we already knew about each other, a comforting truth we both shared. We'd then talk about planning the next trip and the next, Nicholas joking about giving me too much power when it came to that arena, me joking back about there being no such thing as too much power?—

And then, we'd find a secret, hidden place to be close, to kiss, to make love. Somewhere only we knew, somewhere uninterrupted and off the beaten path. Somewhere we could belong to each other without any prying eyes or unexpected surprises. It'd always be the same, being out together in nature, being together back at home. Always orbiting each other like planets around the sun, always on the same path as each other no matter what.

Fuck.

That might've been everything I ever wanted.

And it was so close…

Yet too far away all at the same time.

"I thought you said we weren't climbing up the side of a mountain."

I groaned through my complaint as I followed behind Nicholas, taking yet another step up the mountain. I was in pretty good shape but there was something about these more extreme hikes that always seemed to kick my ass no matter how much I'd prepared for them. I had a theory that it was something about the air, the elevation giving me a punch in the lungs I wasn't accustomed to. It was the sort of thing people had to be born experiencing, their body adjusting to it over time.

Hopefully, my body was going to adjust to the Virginia wilderness any day now.

Any fucking day now.

"We're not climbing up the side of a mountain," Nicholas replied, coolly. "Although, we are getting pretty high up, huh?"

"That's an understatement." I took a moment to look around my surroundings, which also served as the perfect excuse to take a few extra breaths before getting back to the journey. The forest was drop-dead gorgeous, with trees that looked like they went on forever, past the sky and beyond. It made me wonder how old they were, how much they'd seen over hundreds of years of life. It was slightly ominous in a way, being in the middle of an impossibly old forest, each root about as young as me, a blip on the radar of existence…

But it was incredible, too.

Up ahead there was a whole crowd of trees, densely forested, like they were holding a sacred meeting of their branches. I was tired yet eager to reach them, curious about whether or not they'd share anything they'd learned since they'd been planted, the kind of wisdom that comes with being in the same place for an inconceivable amount of time.

"Come on. We're getting close," Nicholas said, up ahead of me. Of course, he didn't offer any additional information, like where exactly we were getting close to. Still, I followed behind him, knowing that he'd never lead us astray. A few moments later and the trail narrowed significantly, a little past the trees I'd wanted to visit. There was a clear drop-off on the side of it, one that would've meant several broken bones, if not a broken neck, too?—

Shit.

Shit! Shit! Shit!

Everything felt like it was happening in slow motion, my foot slipping against the trail, my hands grasping at nothing as my body spiraled toward the ground. I could already see myself at the bottom of the trail, body splayed out, broken arms in different directions, my legs twisted and snapped. It was a gruesome image but still, one that was preferable to another possibility, one where I fell in the exact wrong way, one where my life was cut short by a simple mistake in my footing on a rather lovely day.

Suddenly, I felt strong arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me back into place on the trail.

"You're okay. I've got you," Nicholas murmured. "I've always got you, Parker."

"Sorry for almost dying," I apologized, as I settled my feet back on the ground. I shook my head before I went on. "See? This is why I didn't want to climb up the side of a mountain. I figured something like this was going to happen."

"Again, we're not climbing up the side of a mountain," he replied. "And trust me. Once you see where we're going, it'll all be worth it."

Nicholas offered his hand for me to hold, and I quickly folded it into my own. We continued like that until we reached a secluded area, even the trees themselves seeming to scatter to give this place its own room. A few more steps and I realized that it really wasn't so secluded after all, a great big tree standing in the center of it, one that looked even older than any of the trees I'd spotted earlier on the trail.

"Parker, meet one of the oldest trees in the United States," Nicholas started, as he came to a stop, his hand still holding mine tight. "What do you think?"

"I think she's beautiful," I whispered, in complete and utter awe. I moved away from Nicholas and took a few steps closer to the tree itself, close enough to run my fingers across its huge trunk. "How long do you think she's been?—"

"No one knows for sure, but we know she was here when Indigenous tribes still populated the area," he answered. "She's seen settlers come and go, too. Can you even imagine it? Having that kind of vantage point into so much history."

"It's amazing," I whispered again, feeling like I was suddenly standing in a sacred space, a place that could've only been accessed through devout fasting and even more devout prayer.

Just then, I heard something rustling behind me. I turned to see Nicholas opening his mysterious backpack from the car ride, pulling out a long rope, followed by what looked like a blindfold, and lastly, an extremely comfortable blanket.

"Uh, what's going on over there?" I chuckled as I asked the question. "I can't tell if you're about to try and climb this tree or if you're about to try and climb me."

"The latter." Nicholas chucked, too. "That is, if you're up for it?"

"Here? Right in front of the tree?"

"You don't want to?"

"No, I do." I shook my head. "It's just… I don't know. This tree has seen some pretty important stuff?—"

"And you don't think this is important?"

"I mean, in the grand scheme of sacred things?—"

"You don't think this is sacred?" Nicholas asked, his voice low. "Do I not worship your body each time I'm with you, Parker Evans?"

A pleasurable chill went through me in response, my words failing me in the moment. I didn't know what else to say in response, Nicholas effectively shutting me up with his arguments.

"Okay." I eventually found something to say, as I made my way back over to him and the backpack.

"Okay?"

"I'll let you worship me, Nicholas Cooper." I smirked before offering him a sweet kiss, my lips pressing against his.