4. leia

Chapter 4

The door clicked closed gently behind Nic as he left the room. I hadn't looked at him when I refused to see Aimée but the disappointment vibrating from him was almost palpable in the stillness of the room.

I knew he'd respect my decision, though. Nic had done nothing but respect me and try to care for me the entire time I'd known him, let alone the last few days.

The only thing he wouldn't do for me was fucking turn me… even though he knew all of my reasons. And each reason was valid. Mom… Dad… That was all Nic needed to know, really. He understood the value of family. He looked after his own well enough.

It was revenge.

It was vengeance.

But it was also my last chance to look after my own family. And it was closure. It was a final act of love.

I needed to go up against Francois, to kill him. And it had to be me. Because when he took Dad, he took the last pieces of Mom from me, too.

But to kill him, I needed to be more than human. I'd come to terms with the idea that I needed to be vampire, and I was at peace with it. I was the last Boucher left—no one to miss, no one to miss me.

A wry chuckle ripped from my throat. I'd been hanging on to my humanity for Dad and the memories of my childhood, but now I realized there was no reason to remain weak and inferior for ghosts.

I stood from the chair, my legs stiff as I changed position for the first time in hours. Everything ached a little and my stomach was just an empty void I couldn't be bothered to fill. Eating seemed like too much effort when my head was so jumbled with thoughts I couldn't process or express.

So Nic wouldn't turn me, and that was okay. From what I understood about the process, it didn't even need to be Nic. Any old vampire would do. And maybe it would be better if it wasn't Nic, because that left me entirely in control of the process. I could solve my own problems—just like I'd always done.

I could pick a sire and ensure I got exactly what I wanted. It would be completely on my own terms, and there would be no strange resistance or resentment from Nic to cloud our relationship once it was done. After all, I'd been looking out for what was best for me for long enough to know what was best for me.

I took a tentative step toward the closet. I needed to find my phone before Nic came back in or I received another well-meaning visitor who couldn't help me. No one in this house would help me—I'd have to be stupid not to know that.

Each staff member or family member or friend was one-hundred percent loyal to Nic, which was just the way it should be for a king.

Only I had one other option, and luckily for me, Nic had programmed my phone with everyone's numbers when he first got worried about Francois, his reasoning being that I'd always be able to reach someone stronger than me.

Now that reasoning tasted bitter. I wanted to be the strong one… and I could make that happen with the right phone call.

I dug around in the last purse I'd used and pulled out my cell. Miraculously, it still held a small charge, but I hooked it up to the charger anyway, while I ran back through my decisions.

They seemed sensible. Nic wasn't the only vampire in town, but he was the only one who kept refusing to turn me, so I needed to explore other options. Other choices. Other contacts. It hurt him every time I asked him to turn me. I could prevent all of that future pain by just arranging things to be different.

And taking control back for myself again actually felt pretty good.

Plus, I knew at least one vampire who owed me a favor.

Mind made up, I grabbed my phone and scrolled through the numbers. I returned to my chair and tucked the blanket over me to fend off a sudden chill. A quick glance at the beignets created an answering ache in my stomach, but I couldn't afford to be distracted by Chef's cooking.

Thinking and eating like a human could derail me all over again, remind me of what I'd be missing once I turned.

I sat and looked at Sebastian's name for a while. Was it really any better to make him bear this responsibility? I nodded to myself. Sebastian had more than proven his loyalty to Nic and me, and he'd do this if I asked him to.

Yet still, I hesitated. Nic had spoken of love playing a part during a turning, which I understood. But I didn't doubt his love for me at all. I didn't need for him to be the one to turn me for further proof of that—and turning could be much more of a transaction rather than the romantic gesture that Nic seemed to want it to be. I needed it to be that way. Transactional to the point of cold and impersonal. So that I stayed in control and didn't lose any more of myself to anyone.

Taking a deep breath, I pressed the touchscreen to call Sebastian, and then I waited for the ringtone.

I almost hung up. It suddenly seemed like a weird favor to ask. But if I didn't ask him, it would never happen. I was pretty sure Aimée wouldn't help me, and neither would Jason, but I was partly banking on Sebastian being a wild card who felt just as much loyalty to me—for some reason—as to Nic.

Sebastian answered quickly. "Leia?"

I nodded, so surprised for a moment that I couldn't speak when I opened my mouth.

"Are you all right?" Something akin to worry crept into his tone.

"Yeah." Shit, my voice was hoarse. I took a quick sip of my water, grimacing at the slightly stale taste from the days-old glass I'd just grabbed by mistake. "Yeah, I'm fine."

Only his soft breathing could be heard for a moment over our connection before he spoke again. "Is Nic there?"

I shrugged loosely. "He's out."

"Out where?" The worry had disappeared, and now Sebastian just sounded curious.

I shrugged again. "I don't know." Had he even said? I couldn't remember.

Silence fell again, like we were each daring the other to speak first. I reached for my freshest glass of water and took a sip.

"I need a favor," I finally said.

"Oh?" He sounded curious again.

"Can you come to the house and meet me?"

"That's the favor? Meeting you?" Definitely curiosity. And perhaps a little hesitation.

"I think I need to ask in person."

When he remained silent, I spoke again.

"Please, Sebastian?"

He sighed, the sound loud and gusty. "Okay. Where?"

I described a private part of Nic's garden. "Do you know it?"

"Yeah." Now he just sounded resigned. "I'll be there in thirty minutes."

As I disconnected the call, excitement mingled with apprehension inside me. I was really going to do this, and thirty minutes didn't give me very long to figure out exactly what to say.

I didn't want to shower, but I got in anyway. My hair was limp and greasy and sticking up in various unnatural directions, and I was fairly sure I smelled pretty rancid, even if I couldn't smell myself and Nic never complained.

After I'd dried myself off and dragged some jeans and a T-shirt on, I even swept a brush through my hair. More a lick and a promise than an actual styling session, but it was enough to make me feel vaguely human again. I stumbled over thinking about being human. If Sebastian granted my request, being human would be a thing consigned to my memories.

I quietly opened Nic's bedroom door, ready to sneak my way through the house, but Jason turned around, surprise already showing in the lift of his eyebrows.

"Leia?"

I glanced behind me like he might be talking to someone else before I turned back to him. "Yeah. I… I thought maybe a walk in the gardens might help."

"But it's getting dark soon." He drew his brows down now.

"And the scent of the night jasmine is like perfume," I challenged.

He reached for his cell phone. "I should tell Nic you're going for a walk. He'll be happy to know you've come out of the room."

I laid my hand on his forearm. "I'd rather surprise him when he gets back. Do you know how long he'll be?"

Jason nodded then checked his watch. "Uh, I guess maybe forty-five minutes to an hour?"

That didn't give me very long to convince Sebastian to make me a vampire. Technically, his vampire. I'd be his sireling like Jason was Nic's.

"Is Nic a good sire?" I asked suddenly.

Jason glanced over his shoulder at me as he led our way down the hall and toward the stairs. "He's not going to do it for the wrong reasons, Leia."

I withheld my sigh. "It was a genuine question. What's it like to have a sire?"

He faced forward again. "I feel like I don't know any different. It's good to have someone to rely on. To support me, and I know if things go wrong, he has my back. But he's just my sire, not my mate. The bond is different."

"So… A sire is like a parent."

Jason cocked his head. "I don't recall, really. From what I've seen of human relationships recently, maybe? Parallels could be drawn, I think, anyway."

I filed that information away. Selecting Sebastian as my sire made even more sense now—I didn't want my relationship with Nic to turn parental. Maybe Nic's refusal really was for the best.

When we stepped out of the French doors in the library and onto a small ornamental patio, I took a deep breath of the fragrant night air. "This is beautiful."

Jason nodded and drew a chair from under a table. "Would you like to sit down for a while? Watch the stars, maybe?"

I tilted my head and looked at the sky, taking in the tiny pinpricks of light. "How long have you been looking at these same stars, Jason? Do you worry about when they'll start to go out?"

He scratched his cheek, and the rasp of day-old stubble sounded in the night. "I live for today, Leia. Take it one day at a time, like you do."

I nodded. It didn't sound like there was too much difference in being a vampire than a human. Not the way Jason put it, anyway, and the forgetting Aimée had talked about previously would almost be a blessing once I'd hunted down Francois. Maybe one day I could forget the rage and grief and hate inside me.

Jason was still standing by the chair, and I glanced at him before I spoke. "Do you mind if I just go for a wander through the gardens? I think I need some time to decompress after being so cooped up."

He narrowed his eyes a little, the light streaming from the open French doors casting light and shadows on his face. "I'm not sure Nic would like—"

"I thought Nic had ensured the gardens were safe for me to spend time in?" I interrupted quickly before he had chance to disagree with my plans.

"True." He adjusted his stance. "I'm not going back inside, though. I'm going to wait right here for you."

"Okay." He'd really presented me with the perfect solution. Now that I knew exactly where he was going to stand, and approximately when Nic would be back, I could meet Sebastian without too much of a cloak and dagger routine. "I won't be long. I just want a few moments to appreciate everything I nearly forgot."

Jason nodded, and I walked out onto the lawn. The grass was damp underfoot. It tickled my skin around the flip-flops I'd slipped on, which slapped softly against my heels as I moved.

"Nic'll be back soon—don't go too far," Jason called, and I waved an acknowledgment. I didn't plan to spend very long chatting with Sebastian.

When I reached the bench where I said I'd meet him, Sebastian was already there, his face tight with tension as he turned to look at me. But the minute his searching gaze met mine, he relaxed, and his usual grin took control.

"Leia," he murmured. "It's good to see you. We've all been worried."

"Oh." I paused. What had Nic been saying about me? I nearly asked, but then I shook it off. I had more important things to discuss with Sebastian. "Thanks for coming."

I sat at the other end of the bench but angled myself so I could face him.

He seemed to be sitting directly in a beam of moonlight, and it simultaneously made his expressions very easy to read and gave him an aristocratic look, his skin seeming to glow with the pale hue of fine porcelain.

"Why am I here?" Sebastian looked away from me as he spoke, like he was disinterested, but there was a tension in the lines of his body that belied his careless air.

I shrugged, and he half turned toward me at the small movement, like I'd captured his attention with that alone. "I told you. I need a favor."

We sat in silence for a moment longer, then Sebastian leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "I assume this is something Nic wouldn't like?"

I shrugged again, aiming for really casual this time. "I need to take back control of my life for myself. And it isn't something I can keep asking him for."

This time, Sebastian looked at me directly, and even the crickets seemed to cease their noise for the next few moments. "I'm not going to like this, am I?"

I paused to think over his words. I couldn't answer his question. "That all depends, I guess."

"It depends?" Sebastian turned completely toward me now. "Depends on what?"

I glanced away and sucked in a breath. I'd remember the smell of this jasmine forever. "It depends on how you feel about making me vampire."

"Turning you?" Sebastian stood so suddenly the bench rocked with the force of him pushing against it. He walked several steps away before turning back to me and raking his hand through his hair, leaving it disheveled, like he'd not long ago woken up.

I stood as well and nodded. "Yes, turning me."

"But why would you want me to do it?" His eyes glittered with pain and something else… Longing? I couldn't tell while he stood out of the moonlight. "Why not Nic?"

"He says he can't, that he'll take care of Francois. I don't think he understands that I need to take on Francois myself. Besides, I spoke to Jason. I'm not sure Nic is the right choice for this."

"Not the right choice?" Confusion echoed in Sebastian's tone. "But mates turn mates. It's the way it is."

"Not this time," I murmured. "It's something he's repeatedly said he can't do."

"Can't…or won't?" Sebastian stepped closer.

I shook my head and shuffled my feet a little as the grass tickled my toes again. "I don't think I know any longer, Sebastian. But to avoid me becoming one of these thrall things, we need to do it at some point, and sooner rather than later is better. I know that much, anyway."

Sebastian crouched for a moment, his head in his hands. "But it should be Nic. He should be doing this."

I touched his shoulder. "But Nic isn't doing this. That's why I need your help."

He looked up at me before rising to stand again. "And you're certain you want to be vampire? You won't benefit from Chef's magnificent cooking any longer."

One corner of his mouth twitched up in a wry grin.

"Pales into insignificance, I think." I shot him a rueful grin of my own. "I watched Francois kill my dad, and I need the strength and speed of a vampire before I face him and make that right." I gestured forward briefly with my hands. "I can't have vampire speed and strength without actually being a vampire, so…"

"And you don't believe that Nic will take care of the whole Francois situation for you?" Sebastian paced away again, and I sank onto the bench, a sigh leaving me as I did.

"No, it's not that. I know Nick would kill Francois for me. He'd bring me his head and probably any other body part I requested, but that's not what I want." I waited for Sebastian to look at me before I continued. "Look, it's like this. I've taken care of my dad since my mom died. He was his own worst enemy and I kept trying to bring him back. Several times, I felt like I might even achieve it, and he might be the dad I remembered again. Most recently, it looked like Nic's intervention might be the thing to save him."

I stopped. I didn't know I'd been seeing that as the last resort, the last effort to get my dad back.

Sebastian wrapped his hand over mine and squeezed gently. "I know Nic hoped it would be enough too."

"It never would have been, though, right? Involving Dad in this world was wrong." I could see it all so clearly with hindsight. "Nic must have known the dangers of involving me in this world, too…but he did it anyway."

Sebastian nodded just a little, although whether it was in acknowledgment of me speaking or in agreement of what I'd said wasn't clear.

I followed my thought to its logical conclusion. "And now he won't even fix the mess he created the day he came slamming into my life with that ki—" Shit. I'd nearly said kiss, the true first time we met. "With his contract. His damn contract."

"And you're certain this is what you want?" Longing glimmered in Sebastian's eyes, and for the first time, I hesitated before I said yes.

Did I really know what I was asking for?

But I nodded. It was the only way. "I need to avenge Dad. I looked after him but I couldn't save him. I need to ensure his killer doesn't walk away from this. I'm going to send Francois to his final death myself."

I looked at Sebastian again, meeting his eyes and drawing strength from the very center of myself.

"I have to do this, Sebastian, even if I need to go knocking on the door of every fucking vampire I know until I find one who will be my sire."

He reached out suddenly and brushed my hair over my shoulder, the backs of his fingers lingering against my neck. "It isn't about being able to bear being your sire, Leia. Not like that, anyway. It's not that simple. It's…"

"It's what?" This sounded like something I should know.

"It's nothing." He shook his head and stared down at the ground, his head bowed, his shoulders dropped. "You know what?" He sucked in a breath through his teeth before he met my eyes. "I'll do it, Leia. I'll turn you."