Chapter 64

Chapter Sixty-Four

Maddy

F ebruary was a shit month. I hated it. I hated how dark and miserable it was. I hated that it was raining outside. I hated that that it was cold outside. I hated that it was almost lunchtime, and I was still in bed. I hated that Zak has sent me a thousand messages and I couldn't bring myself to answer any of them.

My phone beeped with another one, and Emma sighed next to me.

"You're going to have to speak to him at some point," she said, tugging at the duvet.

"She's right," Liv chimed in from the blow up mattress on the floor.

Her hand reached up to my bedside table, snatched up my phone and then threw it at me. It landed on my stomach.

"Just put him out of his misery, Maddy."

I slammed my hand over it just as it vibrated with another oncoming message. They were right, I should speak to him, but I couldn't. I picked up my phone as many times as he messaged me every day, but when I pressed on his picture, ready to dial his number, my mouth became dry, and a huge ball formed in my throat. No matter how much I tried, I just couldn't form the words.

As for the thoughts, well they were there in abundance.

It was Zak's fault.

He should have let me go home with her.

I had a choice and chose not to go with her. I should have.

He and Liam should have looked harder for her.

I should have ignored her bad mood and not argued with her.

I missed my best friend.

I'm angry with my best friend.

He should have let me go after her.

"Maddy." Emma lifted onto her elbows and stared at me. "The boys tried to find her, and as much as I love her, she was being a bitch to us all. We were right to let her leave. She wanted to leave, and if you'd gone after her you know she'd have said something vile to you. If you'd followed her, you might not have persuaded her to go the long way home, and then we'd be grieving for both of you."

Her last comment caused me to gasp. "Stop quoting my dad." He'd said it to me a couple of times since we'd heard the news, and he was wrong, I'd have persuaded her easily. She'd have gone back to the party with me. I know she would have.

"Your dad is hot and right," Liv added with a yawn. "And we should really get up. We've been in our pyjamas for almost forty-eight hours, and we can't keep eating the food your dad leaves on the dressing table."

We could, as long as Dad kept providing it for us. On the night that we found about Ana, we all decided that we wanted to spend the night together. Dad had persuaded me to go back downstairs and be with my friends after my initial tantrum. But then, when after fifteen minutes of awkward silence, interspersed with sobs from me, Emma and Liv, pizza arrived, I totally lost it. I stormed back to my room to be joined about ten minutes later by my friends telling me that Liam, his family and Zak had gone home with a pizza courtesy of my dad. The girls stayed the night and still hadn't gone home. Their parents had visited and checked in on us, but we just wanted to be together to cry and talk about Ana.

"I don't want to ever leave this room," I told her.

"We need to soon, Mads," Emma said softly. "I think we'd feel better if we went back to school. My mum said Miss Rogers in Pastoral Care told her we can have more time, but if we go back they'll give us any help we need. Plus, you do need to speak to Zak. Liam said he's really worried about you."

"Liam or Zak?" I deadpanned.

"You know who."

She sat up, taking the duvet with her, and I snatched at it, pulling it up to my chin. "I just can't," I muttered.

Liv groaned and got up to her knees, leaning her forearms on my bed so her head was close to mine. "Madeline, Zak is worried about you because he cares about you. He more than cares about you."

Any other time that statement would have had my stomach in the best kind of knots, but my heart was currently too full of grief to care.

"She's right," Emma added. "Liam said that Zak is crazy about you. He told Liam that he's never felt like this about anyone before, and that he's dreading leaving you when he goes to Edinburgh."

I didn't respond, just turned on my side, so I was facing the wall, away from Liv. Unfortunately, though, I was in direct eyeline of Emma's boobs which were almost spilling out of the side of her vest top. In frustration, I pulled the duvet over my head.

"You can't hide forever, Mads. We all have to face the outside world at some point, and maybe today should be the day." Emma tried to drag the duvet back down, but I held on tight.

"Please." Liv pleaded. "Listen to Emma and call Zak."

As I lay in quiet contemplation, there was a knock on my door. It opened slightly and I heard my dad's voice.

"Can I come in?"

With a grunt, I threw the duvet over Emma, and yelled, "Come in."

He popped his head around the door, his eyes immediately going to me. "Do you think you girls should think about getting out of bed. It's almost one and you've been in here for two days now."

The ache in my heart increased for a split second as I remembered why we'd been in my bedroom for two days. Dad took a step inside and even in the dim light of my room with the curtains closed, I could see how tired he looked. His hair needed a cut, there was grey under his eyes, and his hand was pushed deep into his jeans' pocket while the other clutched the door.

"I've made some chilli so how about you all come down and get some?"

"How's Maya?" I asked, rubbing my eyes. "Is her pain any easier?"

"She's getting there, sweetheart." His face softened as he looked at me. He then walked over to the curtains and pulled them open. "Let's at least get some light in so you know what time of day it is."

The rain-spattered window gave us a view of the grey skies, and the heaviness in my heart and body increased. The girls and Dad were right, though; we had to leave the room at some point and maybe it was the right time.

"We should go and see Ana's mum and dad," I suddenly announced.

"What?" Emma sat up, and then remembered she was barely wearing a top, and lay back down. "Are you sure?"

I nodded. "Yep."

Dad cleared his throat. "W-what about Zak? Are you ready to speak to him? Because I've got to be honest, Mads, he's called me about a million times and sent just as many messages." He stepped over Liv and sat on the stool at my dressing table. He held out his hand, silently asking me to take it. When I did, a huge sense of love and safety swept over me. "He really isn't to blame sweetheart. And I'll be honest with you, if I'd been in his position, I'd have done and said the same. Remember the things she did and said over the last month or so, things that worried him, and made him angry. His reaction was exactly how I would want a boy who cares about you to react."

I knew he was right. If Zak hadn't given a shit about the vodka or the bitchy comments, I'd have probably been disappointed. When he told us to let her go home, he had no idea what would happen, none of us did. Hindsight was definitely a wonderful thing, and if that had been one of his friends, I'd have probably given him the same advice.

Picking up my phone I nodded. "I'll call him."

"Halle-flipping-lujah," Liv cried from the floor. "Can we now get dressed and get some chilli; I'm starving."

"That's a relief," Emma groaned. "I think I have bed sores."

I whipped my head around. "You both could have gone home at any time. You didn't have to stay here with me."

Emma's mouth dropped open. "As if we'd be anywhere else. We stick together." Her eyes instantly filled with tears, and I knew what she was thinking.

"We weren't to know, Em." Everyone had been right. We weren't to know. And none of us were to blame. None of us, including Zak.

"Okay, girls," Dad said, clapping his hands together. "I'll go and sort out some garlic bread for the chilli."

Once the door clicked shut, we all seemed to breathe a sigh of relief. Like we'd finally been released from a prison of our own making.

"You're really going to call Zak?" Emma asked, picking up her own phone from under her pillow, no doubt to message Liam.

"Yes, I'm really going to call Zak. Once I've had a shower, but I'll message him first."

I had no idea why, but instead of opening WhatsApp, I flicked to his Instagram account. He never used it, and so I didn't know what made me look at it, but I was surprised to see he had a story. Dad said he'd been messaging him, Emma had told me, via Liam, that he'd been holed up in his room worrying about me. When I clicked on it and saw the image, I felt like I might puke. I felt like another ton of grief had been landed on me.

"What is it?" Emma asked as I made a painful groan. "Maddy?"

With tears rolling down my cheeks, I clutched at my t-shirt; Zak's t-shirt which I slept in. "Check his Insta story."

After a few seconds, when she saw what I'd seen, I heard her say, "Fuck."

"What is it Liv?" asked. "What's on Zak's story?"

What was on Zak's story was a picture of him, hugging Connie and kissing the side of her head. The caption was me and my bae together again and the song playing over the top was Sia's Helium. The song that had been one of my favourites… until now.