Chapter 40

Chapter Forty

Will

" D ad," Maddy hissed, "shall I turn the oven off?"

I nodded. "Please."

"Shall I put the kettle on?"

I glanced over at Steven, who was bent at the waist peering at some framed photos that I had on a shelf in the lounge. "No. He won't be staying long. Turn the oven off and then come back in here."

I didn't want to be alone with him because I was scared.

He'd been a mythical man in my childhood, a character from a story that my mum had made up, not a real person who had the ability to crush me. Yet he had. Without even trying, he'd smashed it to pieces, leaving me with an empty husk of a childhood once Mum passed away. If he hadn't rejected us, I would never have had to endure Christmas' with families who tried not to treat me like an outsider, or the embarrassment of having no one to attend a parent's evening at school, or hide when family photos were taken because I didn't look like everyone else. The only way I'd got through all of that was by building a hard shell around myself, and creating the boy who didn't care. But, with him standing in front of me again, for only the second time in my life, I had a strange sensation overwhelm me, as if my heart and lungs were arguing with each other, trying to decide which one hurt the most.

He was my dad, the man who'd biologically given me life, yet I'd never had any feelings for him. Now, though, I had a nervous sweat trickling down my temples and pricking at the back of my neck. As if he mattered, and it was unsettling.

"What do you want?" I asked, pushing my hands into my jeans' pockets. If I feigned indifference, maybe I'd feel it. Maybe I'd feel detached from my gene pool.

He turned from looking at the photographs and studied me, like he didn't understand the question. Like I was stupid for asking such a thing. Well, Mrs P had taught me never let anyone make me inadequate.

"I told you," I stated, keeping my voice as even as I could, "I didn't want to see you again. I asked you to leave my bar and not come back, so tell me, what the hell are you doing here? Why did the message not get through?"

"William—"

"For fuck's sake, if you knew me at all, you'd know it's Will. No one ever calls me William, except my mum, and she's fucking dead."

He jaw tightened, a gesture I recognised because I did the same when I was frustrated. Well, he could be as frustrated as he liked. There was no way I was going to make things easy for him. It wasn't like he didn't know that I existed. It was his choice to wait thirty-seven years to come and find me.

"So?"

His stance copied mine, with his hands deep inside the pockets of his grey tailored trousers, which he wore with a maroon jumper. I made a mental note to ask Maddy to shoot me if I ever started to dress like that.

"I want to get to know you. Make up for lost time," he explained without, what sounded like, an ounce of regret.

"And you just decided that would be now? No reason other than it suddenly hit you that you have another son."

His left eye twitched, leaving me wondering if it was because of my revelation that I knew I had a brother.

"Yeah, I can do research as well." My tone was snarky because that was how I was feeling. Irritated to the point my skin itched. Him being in my home felt wrong, like he was an extra piece on chess board with no space for him. Like he didn't belong. "There's no reason that you need to be here," I continued, "I asked you to leave. I didn't ask you to come back a few days later and come to my home—a home, I should add, that I never gave you the address of."

He shrugged. "Like you said, research."

Irritation was turning to anger and frustration. "I'd like you to leave."

Moving his gaze from me to Maddy, he gave her a smile. I saw myself in him, and that infuriated me even more. I didn't want him looking at my daughter or even being in the same air space as her.

"Hey, love," he said to her. "Nice to meet you."

Maddy stiffened at my side, and because she'd been taught to have manners, she replied. "Hi. Pleased to… erm, hello."

"I'm your grandfather, Steven."

Bristling, I took a step closer to him, holding my hands up as if in surrender.

"You're not," I told him. "You just happen to be the man who provided the means for my mum to give birth to me. You're not my father, and you are not my daughter's grandfather. You are not important to me. Now if you'd like to leave."

"Please, Will."

Shaking my head, I moved towards the door and pulled it open wider. "If you'd leave now, I'd appreciate it."

"If I can just talk to you." His hands went to his hips, his stance far too aggressive for a man trying to make up for things. "If you'd just listen."

"No. I don't want to listen. I have nothing I want to say to you or hear from you." My voice broke, and instantly Maddy's hand slipped into mine, her small fingers holding on tight.

"There are things you need to know," he continued like he hadn't heard a fucking word I'd said.

"No, there aren't." My heart thudded against my ribcage as I stared at him, aware that I was probably wild eyed. "There is nothing at all that I need to know."

"Dad," Maddy whispered, sounding anxious.

Turning to her, I put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "It's okay, sweetheart. I'm okay."

She looked around me. "I think you should go. Dad made it clear he doesn't want to speak to you."

Steven didn't say anything, probably because he knew if he said anything to my daughter, I'd punch his fucking lights out.

"I asked to see you when you were five years old," he suddenly blurted. "But your mum said no."

You know when people talk about tumbleweed moments, well that was the first time I'd ever experienced a real one. The air thinned as we all watched each other, waiting for one of us to break the interminable silence. All you could hear was the gentle hum of the electricity buzzing around the house. My heart had jumped to my throat and the noise of its deep thrum started pounding in my ears.

"What?" I finally asked.

Steven swallowed. "I wanted to see you when you were about five, but your mum said no. She said that it would be too difficult for you to understand." He dropped his gaze to the floor and shook his head. "I think she was worried that I'd take you from her."

"I don't believe you," I whispered, barely able to hear the words myself.

"Dad, are you okay?" Maddy's arm went around my waist, and she lifted mine to go around her shoulder.

"I'm fine, sweetheart." My lips went to her hair, and I breathed her in, using her as my support to stop me from falling to my knees. "I'm okay."

"I'm sorry, Will. I really am. I didn't want to have to tell you, especially as…"

His gaze finally showed me an emotion. It was pain. He truly felt sorry for the life I'd led. There wasn't just pain in his eyes, but truth, too.

"I argued with her until I was blue in the face," he continued. "But she said it wouldn't be fair on you, especially if I disappeared out of your life again." He inhaled slowly and then just as slowly let it out. "And she was right. I'd left my wife and son twice at that point. Had an affair with another woman and was barely holding down my business. She made the right choice, Will. You were her priority, and she made entirely the right choice."

Somehow that didn't make it any better. It didn't make the years of loneliness, sadness and insecurity go away. Only one person had done that, and she was currently hugging me tight. It wasn't the words of a man who should never have waited for five years to decide to be my dad, and then another thirty-two to try again.

"How many times did you ask her?" Nausea enveloped me. I already knew the answer.

"Well, erm, the one time. Like I said, I argued with her, but she was adamant." He shrugged his shoulders like he didn't understand the question.

Pinching the bridge of my nose, I wondered if I should let the past go. Was holding onto it stopping me from moving on properly? Had I pushed relationships to one side just because my childhood was clogging up the cracks that would let the light in. What if I could have been settled a long time ago? But then I wouldn't have met Maya, and life without her was incomprehensible.

"I commend you for your one attempt at being in my life, well two if you count this time, but it changes nothing." My tone was steady. I was determined not to show how much his admission had affected me. "I have nothing to say to you."

Finally, his shoulders dropped in defeat, and he nodded. "Okay, I can't say I understand, but I accept your decision…" Relief flooded me until he said, "For now. But I did try, and I've regretted leaving you behind all of your life."

"Good to know." I stood to one side, letting him walk past me, trying to ignore the pull of wanting to grab his arm. It wasn't a real reaction it was just a by-product of my empty days of childhood.

"I'll be back, William," he said as he reached the front door, using my full name his final act of defiance.

As the door closed behind him, I exhaled like a week old balloon, sagging at my knees. Maddy was there, though, holding me up.

"Are you okay, Dad?" she asked softly.

"I think so." Resting my cheek on the top of her head, I watched through the glass panel of the front door. We stayed there until way after the red rear lights of the car disappeared out of sight. "I don't know what to do," I finally whispered.

Maddy gave me a squeeze and said quietly. "You'll do the right thing, Dad, but in the meantime call Maya. She'll help you."

"Why not you?" I questioned, curious.

She blew out a breath and said, "Because what I want isn't important."

As I wrapped my arms tighter around her, I knew I'd done a good job. With or without a father to guide me, I'd created a bloody amazing child.