9. Round 11

9

ROUND 11

Willo

F or weeks now, I’ve felt Paige getting under my skin. Little by little, she’s embedded herself into my psyche, so she’s often the person I’m thinking about. She’s in my dreams and fantasies. I haven’t wanked as much as I have in the last few weeks since before Cara died.

And the strange thing is, I don’t feel guilty. It’s something Paige and I should perhaps talk about. I know that when I saw her talking with Ricky Faith after the game yesterday, I not only saw red, but I also saw the green-eyed monster of jealousy. Faith is a scoundrel. He’s on his third club, even though he’s only in his mid-twenties.

He’s always courted controversy. Early in his career, he was photographed with white powder and a rolled up bank note. Even if he did claim it was flour, the evidence didn’t look good.

At his last club, rumours were he had an affair with a teammate’s wife, but no one ever disclosed anything. He was just traded at the end of the season. The Panthers is a good spot for him. They’re mongrels on the field and are extremely mouthy to opposition players .

Most players on other teams are gentlemen. Well, sometimes. We know what’s off-limits. It’s one thing to joke that their mum’s hot in bed, but it’s another to be told your wife died because she realised what a bad footballer I was. Yeah. It was a Panthers’ player who whispered that in my ear last year.

I’m on my way to pick up Paige. The kids seem excited she’s coming to lunch, and Mum and Charlene keep looking at each other and wiggling their eyebrows when she’s mentioned.

Last night, Mum told me how lovely Paige is and asked me what my intentions are. Yep, those words exactly. I told her I have no intentions, other than recording our podcast.

I think I was lying. I think about her all the time. I yearn for Mondays when we record the podcast and try to make excuses to contact her throughout the week. Don’t get me started on our upcoming getaway. The week after next, we head to Queensland and then spend a few days on the Gold Coast. Paige is coming with us. I can’t wait for the downtime, to be honest.

It’s not the best time to leave the farm. Lambing will start any day now. I don’t have a big flock, but I hate leaving newborns for any length of time. I know Claude will look in on them every day. It was one of his rams we used to impregnate my ewes, after all.

Paige has given me directions to where she’s living. I know she’s in a granny flat, and the owners have only recently returned from a long holiday. She seems to like the couple, and I’m glad it’s yet more people possible giving her roots in this town. I pull up outside the house Paige lives behind. There’s a large four by four in the drive with its bonnet raised. Its back is covered with stickers, and there’s a camper trailer parked next to it. The folks Paige is renting from must be home.

“Oh, hello.” An older man comes to investigate as the gate creaks open. He’s rubbing his hands on a rag. “You’re, um, that chap from the Monarchs, no? I would shake, but…” He holds up his grease-covered hands.

“Yeah, Willo Lovemore. I’m here to pick up Paige.” I bob my head, feeling like a teenage boy collecting his crush. It was never like this with Cara, because our families knew each other so well.

“She’s a sweetheart. She brought in the laundry on Friday when it looked like it was going to rain. I’m Clive, by the way.”

I know Clive isn’t her father, but I still get the feeling I’m being judged.

“Oh, hey.” Paige appears through the back gate. Her hair flows in waves past her shoulders, and I want to feel it in my fingers. “How’s it going, Clive?”

“Yeah. Just fiddling with her. You know, greasing her up. Have a good day, kids.”

We walk towards my car, and Paige blushes as I hold the door for her.

“Clive seems nice,” I say as Paige opens her mouth to speak.

“Yeah. He and Kath are lovely. They had me in to join them for dinner last night, just because I’d taken laundry off the washing line when it looked like it was going to rain. I’m still getting used to hanging out laundry and not using the dryer all the time.” Page is speaking a hundred words a minute, her fingers playing with each other in her lap. My heart races when I realise she might be as nervous as I am.

“Yeah, it’s pretty common to hang out washing in Australia. Mum still doesn’t have a clothes dryer. She uses airing racks if it’s wet.” This conversation is less than riveting and not what I really want to talk with Paige about.

“How was Mexican?” she asks, her eyes on the road. I know this because I keep looking over at her.

“It was great. Jacko and Lunes love tacos. Billy prefers nachos, and I could carb load with a burrito. Lots of rice and beans.” Jesus. Paige doesn’t need to know about this.

“Cool.” Paige nods.

Conversation dies for a bit until we turn down the road leading to my property. “So, I, um, booked a four-bedroom apartment on the Gold Coast. I figured the boys could share, and you and me and Luna could have our own rooms. But if you want your own place, let me know, and I’ll book an extra one.” It’s my turn to jabber.

“You didn’t have to book for me.” It’s the first time I feel Paige’s eyes on me.

“I know, but it’s school holidays and…” I shrug my shoulders.

“Thanks. I’m looking forward to it.”

We pull into the driveway. Jackson and Duchess come running to greet us.

“Hi, Paige,” Jackson yells as he throws the ball for the dog, who races after it and hunts for it in a bed of agapanthus.

“Hey, Jackson.” Paige smiles as she gets out of the car and closes the door.

“Where’s your brother?” I ask as I, too, climb out.

“Billy and Charlene are working on the ute.” Jackson runs off after Duchess, yelling at her to bring the ball back.

“What’s a ute?” Paige asks.

“It’s like a truck. A utility vehicle with a cabin and a tray.” I forgot it’s an Aussie thing.

Paige nods.

I toe off my boots at the door, and Paige scurries to unzip hers.

“You don’t have to,” I tell her.

“No, Mrs Williams always made us take off our boots in the big house, too.”

“Hello, love.” Mum pokes her head out from the kitchen as we walk down the hall towards the back of the house. The place smells amazing.

“Hi, Lenore. I’m sorry, I didn’t bring anything.” Paige’s face drops when she realises she’s come empty-handed.

“Don’t be silly. Your presence is enough. Take a seat.” Mum kisses her on the cheek before I pull out one of the island stools for her.

I move to sit next to her, but Luna scrambles up and starts telling Paige about the vegetables that are growing in my mother’s garden.

Mum loves her garden. She grows veggies all year round, and the homestead is surrounded with flowers. Each season opens the garden for people to visit. I haven’t seen the garden for over four years now, not since the day we buried Cara and Susie.

“Willo, love.” Mum drags me from my memories. “Will you grab the beans from the fridge and start trimming them?”

“I will.” Paige goes to get up.

“No, stay. You’re a guest.” Mum leans over and pats Paige’s hand. “Jackson, where are you?” she calls out.

“He’s out with Duchess.” Luna jumps down from the stool and runs to grab something from a box near the television.

“Well, Luna, dear. Can you please put the kettle on?” Mum asks my daughter as she’s busy with pudding. It looks like it’s her famous lemon delicious.

“I’ve got it, Mum,” I say, reaching behind her and grabbing the kettle before filling it and flicking the switch to make it boil. “Do you drink tea, Paige?”

“Um, I’ve never really had tea before.” Paige bites the corner of her bottom lip.

“Well, you simply must try it.” Lenore beams at Paige, and I’m glad Mum likes her.

Luna has found the book she wants to show Paige and has again climbed onto the stool next to her. I scoop leaves into the teapot after it’s warmed and pour the freshly boiled water on top. Mum and Charlene have this thing about teapots and tea leaves. Even in the garage my sister works in, she has a pot and leaves. I don’t mind using tea bags, but never in the presence of my mother.

I reach into the cupboard where the mugs are and hear my mother huff out a breath. “William John Mahoney Lovemore. You do not serve guests tea in a mug.”

It’s a reminder that Paige is a guest here, as much as I might think otherwise.

Fuck, where did that thought come from? I’m not ready to make Paige part of the family at all. I just want her to feel welcome here. There’s just something about her I can’t put my finger on. I want to protect her, but at the same time, I love seeing her shine .

Our podcast is successful because of both of us. We mesh in a way that seems to be engaging. She calls me on my bullshit, and I call her on hers. Last week, she actually got me to admit that I’m in the best form of my career. What could have been a career-ending injury has spurred me into coming back better than ever. My knee is strong, partly because of the team I have behind me who made sure I did the right things, but also because I got out there and did what was asked of me.

We had Flick, our senior physiotherapist, on the show, and she was praising me. It’s not that I don’t do well with praise, it’s just that I don’t need to be told the same thing repeatedly. Flick was telling Paige some of the exercises she had made me do. The look on Paige’s face was hilarious. Yes, I use bands around my legs. Yes, I walk in weird patterns, and yes, I roll my body over the ground against a foam roller.

“Do you want sugar in your tea?” I ask Paige as I pour from the teapot that was a wedding gift for Cara and me.

“Um…” Paige is doing the lip biting again.

“I’ll stir in a teaspoon, and if you need more… I know you’re a sweet tooth.”

Paige looks at the cup and sniffs it before taking a sip. “I quite like it, actually.”

Mum has finished making the pudding, and it is in the oven. The lamb is out and resting, and she has taken over trimming the beans.

I hear feet clomping down the hallway. “Jacko—boots,” I scold.

He’s trampling mud from one end of the house to the other. What’s worse, Duchess is with him, covered in mud.

“Duchess.” Jackson shakes his head and goes straight for the door from the kitchen to the verandah. Why they didn’t come in through that door, I don’t know.

“Jackson, can you get your brother and aunt, please?” Mum asks, ignoring the mess. She had five kids traipsing mud through the house, so she is used to it, I suppose.

I reach for an old towel and get the worst of the mud off the floorboards. I have someone who comes in and cleans once a week, but I don’t enjoy leaving the place looking too revolting.

It’s chaos as my sister and eldest son come back from playing with engines and Mum tries to direct us all about how to place things on the table. Paige takes it in her stride, grabbing plates and following Mum’s directions.

I carve the meat. It’s something I enjoy doing, if only because I can get to eat some of the crunchy edge bits. By the time I head to the table, I find Paige sitting at the other end with Luna, Mum, and my sister.

Mum is explaining that Tina is a police officer across the other side of Melbourne and headed off first thing this morning. Luna is boasting that her auntie slept on the roll-out bed in her room.

I see my sister glance at her phone, which she has placed in her lap. She frowns and stabs a fork into her meat, cutting it rather aggressively. It’s probably her dickhead husband. I’ve not had a lot to do with him, but I don’t like him all the same. I blame myself for not noticing that my nineteen-year-old sister was getting serious with the thirty-something-year-old cop who was new in town. They’ve been married for three years now, and Mum says they’ve been trying to have kids, but Charlene’s never confirmed this. Looks like the fertility gene might have passed by my sister. Whilst I’m sad for her, I’m kinda glad that she won’t be tied to the dickhead she’s married to if she ever wakes up and sees him for the bully he is.

“Can we go to Lovemore Gap next weekend, Dad?” Billy asks as he shoves a forkful of roast potato and gravy in his mouth.

“We’ll see,” I say as I eat my lunch. Paige is making all sorts of moans as she eats and tells Mum she must learn how to cook like this. It’s not hard. It’s something I could show her.

“Nicola was saying Gio’s got an appointment with the cardiologist next Friday, and she could bring the kids back if you like.” Mum takes a sip of her water.

I wonder if I should have offered Paige wine. I don’t really drink during the season, and Mum and Charlene are driving back to Lovemore Gap after lunch, so they aren’t imbibing. Paige seems happy enough.

“Yes.” Jackson pumps his fist, his fork still in his hand, and cauliflower cheese goes flying behind him. I’ll bring Duchess in later to clean it up, but I’ll make sure I wipe her paws first.

We’re playing a Saturday afternoon game in Melbourne next week. Wilson was talking about seeing some show at a theatre, but that doesn’t appeal very much to me. Maybe Paige would like it, though. Maybe I could take her out to dinner?

“Do you think, Willo?” Huh? I haven’t been listening to the conversation, too lost in my own world.

“Sorry, I was miles away.” I place my knife and fork on my plate and rub my eyes. I have no idea who was talking, but I know it wasn’t Paige. “What was that?”

“It’s the start of the holidays, and Murray’s coming down for a Farmer’s Federation meeting on Wednesday. Would Moira mind if we have the kids for a while?” Mum asks.

“What do you say, kids?” I ask them and am greeted with cheers. Jacko even jumps up and throws his arms around my neck.

Whilst I love they enjoy spending time with family, their joy at being away from me is a bit of a kick in the guts. Am I that much of a boring parent?

Paige is quiet. I can’t get a read on her . Does her body respond like mine does when we’re together? My heart beats faster when she’s near, and my hands want to reach out and touch her, stroke her, and feel if her skin is as soft as it looks. Does she dream about me the way I dream about her? If I ask her out, will that ruin the dynamic of our podcast? The Monarchs have record membership numbers this year, and Kim puts it down to people listening to Paige and me each week. I don’t want to upset the fans. So many questions and no definitive answers.

“So, I bumped into the so-called bad boy of the League, Ricky Faith, after the game,” Paige says out of the blue as we’re recording on Monday afternoon.

“Hmm…” I try to sound noncommittal. When I first saw them together, I saw red. Actually, it was probably the green-eyed monster of jealousy I saw when I realised Ricky would have all the moves that attract women. I want to know if he asked her out, and what her response was.

“Yeah. He said he’s been enjoying the show and listens each week, so hi, Ricky, if you’re listening.”

“No doubt he wanted your phone number for his little black book.” I try not to sound too pained, but the levity is gone from my voice.

“Not a black book, just a phone. We’ve been texting on and off over the weekend.” Paige throws this revelation away like it’s nothing.

Here I am, working up to planning a dinner in Melbourne after the game on Saturday, and Ricky Faith has already swept in and made moves on Paige, the woman I, well, want.

Paige must sense my unease. “Yeah, don’t worry. I’ve told him I don’t have to have faith; I have faith in the Monarchs. Anyway. Ricky suggested I ask you about what players say to each other on the field. I think he called it sledding?”

I’ll give Ricky that. He is original when it comes to his sledges, the act of deliberately insulting or intimidating opposition players. “Ricky is the master at sledging and getting under your skin,” I say. “He has this way of discovering things about his opponents and exploiting them. One time, he played on Wilson Marks, who, as you know, loves his vintage cars. Apparently, Wilson’s been chasing some old model Ford Falcon, and Ricky starts saying that his friend is getting rid of one and asking if twenty grand is too much to pay. Of course, it’s far too cheap, but it gets Wilson off his game, even if only for a minute or two.”

“So, the idea is to get players off their game? What’s the most innovative thing someone has said to you?” Paige asks .

All the horrible things people have said over the years flood back. Five of my teammates were fined after a brawl broke out when an opposition player dared say that my father killed himself because he was ashamed to have me as a son. I’m just glad my teammates haven’t heard when someone’s mentioned my wife.

“I block it all out.” I shrug. “You can’t let that stuff get to you on the ground. I mean, sure, I’ve had guys tell me that my sister’s a great lay, but if they knew her husband was this beefy cop who would have their house raided in the middle of the night before a big game…” I raise my eyebrows.

Paige laughs. “Sledging off field now, are we?”

It’s great to see her smile, and her laugh is so musical. You’d think my cock has ears the way it reacts to her laugh. We wind things up, and I send the files off to Kim, who edits and uploads them, despite Paige’s protests each week that she could do it herself.

My stomach is in knots, and my hands are clammy as I tuck the laptop into the bag, watching Paige wind up the microphone cords. “So, um, I was wondering. This Saturday, we play in Melbourne, and, well, Wilson and Jenna are going to a show at the theatre after the game, and, well, it got me thinking… Do you like the theatre?”

“I’ve seen a few Broadway shows, but let’s just say I don’t queue for tickets.” Paige tucks the microphones into their cases.

“Good, good.” I nod, taking a deep breath. “I was thinking, after the game, like the kids will be in Lovemore Gap, and I thought we might grab dinner. I could show you how many carbs I can eat post-match.”

“You want me to come see a game in Melbourne?” Paige asks. Her face is neutral. I have no idea if she likes this idea or not.

“Well, yeah. Sorry. I left that bit out.” I rub the back of my neck with my hand.

“So, like podcast fodder?” Paige replies, clearly trying to work out my motives.

I’m not sure how much I should tell her. I don’t want her to run.

“Well, like dinner,” I reply, raising one shoulder towards my ear .

“Like a date?” She tucks her chin into her neck. If she wore glasses, she’d be peering over the top of them.

“Maybe.” My voice is high-pitched and comes out as a squeak.

Paige smiles. “Dinner it is.”

“I know a great Italian place,” I tell her, my words coming out fast. “I’ll make a reservation.”

Paige has agreed to this.

She didn’t shut me down.

She didn’t look at me as if I was crazy.

Maybe I am. Maybe this is the worst idea ever, but I know I have to give it a try.

A thumping win has us buzzing in the rooms. I love the postgame rituals. We gather in the rooms and sing the club song as a team. We do some media, have a team meeting, and then hit the showers.

The media judge me best on ground again. It meant they were queuing up for interviews postgame. Three radio stations and two television crews want to talk with me. The questions are all the same.

How’s your knee? It’s feeling great.

The team’s looking good. We’re taking it one week at a time.

People are saying the team’s playing better than last year when you got the Grand Final and lost. We’re enjoying our footy, but we’re not getting ahead of ourselves.

Interstate next weekend, then the bye, how will you be spending your week off?

I know in one television interview, a grin crept in because I’m spending it with Paige. I told them a few families are heading to the Gold Coast and hitting up the theme parks. It’s not Disney, but the kids will have a ball. I hope Paige enjoys it, too.

The team meeting drags. The coach praises us on another great win but picks up some elements of our game we need to work on. I’m sure the meeting is the same length as our usual ones, but it seems to go on longer. Paige is waiting for me.

It’s a rule of the League that our phones are locked away during a game. It’s to stop gambling mainly, but it also helps us focus. I leave the meeting and head straight for the showers. As much as I’m yearning to spend time alone with Paige, I don’t want to skimp on cleanliness. I wash my hair with the designer shampoo someone sent me. I know they do it for promotion, hoping I’ll post something to my socials saying how great my hair’s looking, and it’s all because of this amazing product, but that’s not me.

Several of the other players are heading into the showers as I’m leaving. I’m not focused on my teammates though, I’m focused on seeing Paige.

“Oi, Loverboy.” I turn to see Silver jogging towards me. He holds out his hand as if to shake, and I take it, realising he has slipped something into my palm. I look down and go beet red when I see the foiled package he’s left there. “I buy in bulk, so I figured I could spare a couple. Do you need any tips?”

“Thanks, Silver.” I shake my head, but there’s a grin on my face. There’s no malice behind my friend’s actions.

“Yeah, well, take your own advice, mate! If it’s not on, it’s not on.” He pats me on the shoulder and heads back down the corridor.

We have kids who start with us each year, and I tell them the same story about me and Cara, explaining that I was a teenage dad after we ran out of condoms one weekend.

I’m not expecting to have sex with Paige tonight. I mean, yeah, I’ve thought about it. Of course, I wonder how it will feel to grip her curves and see those amazing tits bounce as she rides me. But it’s just dinner. I slip the condoms into my jeans pocket and walk through to the main area where family and friends usually gather after a game.

Paige and Jenna are waiting, and I take a deep breath when Paige sees me and an immediate smile lights up her face. She’s stunning. Dressed in black, she has a Monarchs’ scarf hanging around her shoulders. Her hair is down, and it frames her face .

“Hey.” I greet both Paige and Jenna with a kiss on the cheek. “Did you enjoy the game?”

“Of course.” The smile hasn’t left Paige’s face. “Although you took your foot off the pedal in the last quarter. You could have won by a lot more.”

“Look at you speaking the lingo.” I yearn to reach out and touch Paige. To wrap my arms around her shoulders and tuck her hair behind her ear so I can see her long neck. But I don’t.

“Is Wilson far away?” Jenna asks me, peering behind me.

“He shouldn’t be.” I glance that way myself, but I’m the first out from the showers. Some of the players have come here before they’ve headed for a wash and are talking with family and friends.

“Don’t worry. I’ll wait for him.” Jenna looks between me and Paige, her lip between her teeth, and her eyes crease at the corners with her smile. “You two get going and have fun.”

Paige looks at me. “We will.”

There’s a lovely Italian place tucked down a laneway in Melbourne that Cara’s brother, Enzo, introduced me to. Enzo’s working as a doctor in a busy emergency department in the state's north. I don’t see him often enough, which is a shame. He was my best friend, even before I noticed his sister.

It strikes me as weird when I remember this because I’ve chosen to bring Paige here. I should have thought of somewhere different, somewhere that wouldn’t make me think of Cara.

The waiter leads us to our table. I’m glad it’s in a quiet corner, away from windows and prying eyes. A flickering battery-operated candle does little as far as adding light to the table, but it helps set that this is meant to be a romantic dinner. Well, to me it is.

“This is lovely.” Paige looks around at the other diners. Most are dressed casually as we are, but there’s obviously some heading out for a show. A large table looks to be celebrating someone’s fortieth birthday based on the balloons decorating a chair at the head of the table.

“Yeah, Enzo, Cara’s brother, introduced me to this place. The food’s amazing, and he should know, what with Italian grandparents and all.” I take a sip of the water the waiter has left for us both. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to bring up Cara tonight. I wanted to spend time with you, getting to know you better, and, well, you know.”

I shrug a shoulder, unable to look Paige in the eye. She reaches over and strokes my fingers, sending jolts of electricity up my arm. “I don’t mind hearing about her. She’s the mother of your children and was a very important part of your life.”

Fuck. This woman is amazing. She’s said before that she feels inadequate a lot of the time, but she seems to know the right things to say to me. I know she’s been seeing a therapist, and maybe that’s been helping. Maybe it’s something I should look into again.

“Thanks. It’s just”—a breath escapes through my pursed lips—“I was with Cara from when we were teenagers and caught the school bus together. I mean, I was a year older than her, and I knew Enzo well. I never had to, like, ask her out to dinner, or woo her, I suppose.”

“Are you trying to woo me?” Paige asks softly.

I look up at her, her face neutral, her brow uncreased. “Yes. No. Maybe?” I close my eyes and rub them with the thumb and forefinger of the hand Paige isn’t still touching. “I’m confused. My body is clearly attracted to you and reacts when you’re near, but I never thought I’d be able to move on from Cara, you know?”

“I’m only here until December, then my visa expires, and I’ll head back to the States,” Paige tells me, still lightly touching my hand. “I’ve, um, well, I’ve never had a relationship before where someone treated me like I was, well, a person, I suppose.”

I want Paige to see her worth, to recognise her beauty and that her inner beauty is just as amazing as her wonderful curves.

“You’ve also got kids,” Paige continues. “And I never thought I could do kids, but yours seem, well, nice. I mean, I don’t know Billy that well. He just seems to avoid me, but I don’t blame him, really. ”

Paige’s self-deprecation gets to me. I flip her hand over and take it in mine. “I think we’re both a bit…” I bite my bottom lip.

“Fucked in the head?” Paige lets out a grunt. “Look, Willo, you’re hot as hell, but I don’t get why you’d be interested in me. I’m a country hick who’s never really fit in anywhere. I came to Australia on a whim really, and Sydney was a disaster.”

“What happened?” I ask.

“Were you living under a rock?” She shakes her head, pulling her hand from mine. I don’t enjoy losing her touch.

“I follow little media, and the cows don’t gossip that much.” At least she smiles at my reply. She came out to work on the Lyle whats-his-face show, that dickhead who makes most people cringe, but still has a hit radio show and hosts all manner of television programs.

“Yeah, well, I think I’m at a crossroads. I’ve been talking with a therapist, and she says that I’ve been drifting. I made little changes, like heading to college and getting a degree, but then I just followed what other people were doing. Don’t get me wrong, I love Brittany, and she’s a great friend, but she’s the one who wanted to do marketing, whereas I was more keen on journalism. But I followed her to New York.”

The waiter comes over and takes our orders. I don’t think Paige has had a lot of time to look at the menu, but as soon as the waiter says today’s special is Eggplant Parmigiana, she orders it without looking at anything else. I stick with a large bowl of seafood pasta, my usual when I’m here.

“So, you thought you’d landed your dream journalism job in Sydney, so you came here for that, and now you’re back in marketing?” I ask Paige as I grab a slice of bread from the basket the waiter left behind.

“Yeah, but SleekSpeak is different to my job in New York. It’s more advertising, which isn’t too bad, I suppose. Plus, I have the podcast.”

Her face lights up when she mentions the podcast. I don’t dare tell her it’s the highlight of my week, too.

“Do you like it here, like Bayview Cove?” I ask her as I open the wrapped pad of butter and spread it over the bread .

“Yeah, I do.” Paige nods as she also takes a slice. “It’s funny. I never thought I’d like to be on a farm again, but yours is different.”

“Different how?” I brush some crumbs from my hands before wiping them off my jeans.

“It’s only small, and it’s not like you have lots of farmhands or anything. Do your mom and brother have help in Lovemore Gap?”

“Sometimes.” I think back to before when Mum, Dad, Murray, and Suzie ran the place together. I’d help in the offseason with Cara, of course. “I mean, now that Dad, Suzie, and Cara are gone, Murray often gets a couple of locals in when he needs help with hay baling or shearing or the like. Mum’s still really busy on the property.”

“Did they all die together?” Paige swallows after asking me. It’s a question I should have seen coming. As much as I want to share so much with her, it’s a story full of pain, and it’s been a while since I’ve told anyone in full.

“No.” I play with a breadcrumb on the table. “There was a fence down in the back paddock. Dad had been meaning to go out and fix it and just hadn’t got around to it. We didn’t have any stock in the paddock. Well, the bloke next door called and said he wanted to put some of his stock in there, so we needed to fix it and soon. Suzie took the call. I was going to go with her, but Luna was asleep, and Cara was itching to help. She and Suzie went out on a quad bike together. No helmets or anything, because this was the farm, and we never did.” I pause, sniffing back unshed tears.

“If it’s too painful to share…” Paige sucks her lips into her mouth.

“No, it’s fine.” I try to force a smile. It’s been a while since I’ve recounted that day, well, that week. “They’d been gone for a few hours, and Luna had woken up and was grizzly. I gathered the kids and went over to Mum and Dad’s. We were all living on the farm. The season had finished, and the house in Bayview Cove was being renovated. Mum said she’d take the kids, and Dad and I jumped on trail bikes to see what was taking them so long.”

I can remember those minutes as though they were yesterday. Dad joking the girls couldn’t handle the job, Mum snarling that Dad was an old sexist pig, and Dad winking at me to show he was only saying it to wind her up.

“I saw smoke. I raced ahead and opened the gate, finding the quad bike upside down. I couldn’t see my wife or sister, so I yelled for them.” I closed my eyes. The image burned into my memory forever. When I open them again, Paige is staring at me, patiently waiting for me to continue.

“I found Cara first. She was just lying there. Her eyes were open, and there was a deep gash on her head. For a second, I thought she was just hurt, and I dropped the bike and ran to her.” I swallowed, pain burning behind my ribs. “I knew she was dead the second I got to her. The light… it was gone from her eyes. Dad found Suzie on the other side of the bike, but she was gone, too. We think the axel got caught up in some of the downed fencing and tipped them, right where there were some rocks. The doctors said it would have been instant for both of them.”

I take a sip of water to soothe my dry mouth and notice Paige wiping her eyes. “I don’t think I could say anything that would make any difference right now,” she whispers.

“Thanks,” I reply, knowing that the story only got worse. “So, yeah, Dad couldn’t cope. He blamed himself, no matter what any of us could say. It was a freak accident. Anyway, the afternoon of their funeral, whilst the whole town gathered on Mum and Dad’s lawn for the wake, Dad snuck away with a rifle and ended things in the same place where his daughter and daughter-in-law died.” I wipe away a tear that escapes down my cheek.

“Jackson was saying you don’t visit the family property now.” Paige would make a great interviewer.

“Yeah.” I rub the back of my neck. “Since Dad’s death, I came back to Bayview and stayed. I’ve been to Lovemore Gap a few times, but I’ve never been out to Caritas Downs, our property. I’ll either head to Bunyip Point, which is the next major town on from us and where Cara’s parents’ farm is, or meet up in town if I have to. It’s just too painful knowing the same place that held wonderful memories now holds hostage the memories of their deaths. ”

“I get it.” Paige offers a half-hearted smile. “I get leaving somewhere and not wanting to ever go back, I mean.”

I think she does. She hasn’t offered platitudes or false sympathies like so many others have over the years.

“Great topics of conversation for our first date.” I shake my head. “I’m sorry. All I’ve done is talk about my dead wife and my father’s suicide.”

“I don’t mind.” Paige once again squeezes my hand.

Our contact breaks as the waiter returns with our food. The meal is amazing, as always. I tell Paige a little about growing up in Lovemore Gap, about how I refused to go to boarding school and still played professional football despite what the coaches advised me when I was twelve, not much older than Billy is now, and how Murray and Suzie both went away for school and ended up back on the farm.

Paige wants to hear about Cara and how we dated, laughing at my tales of riding the school bus together. As much as I enjoy recounting these experiences, it reminds me they’re all memories now—all in the past. I need to move on and create fresh memories. Sure, I still have doubts about myself as a parent, but I think all things considered, I’m doing okay, and my kids are fairly well adjusted. What Paige has shown me, though, is I would love someone to be there with me to hold my hand and support me.

Paige has made it pretty clear that won’t be her. She’s told me several times she doesn’t do children, and it seems she is ready to head home in six months when her visa expires. Maybe I could use this time, though, to practice. I’ve only ever been with Cara, and I thought the sex was good, but I have nothing to compare it to. We were both young, with no sexual experience when we met, and learnt as we went along.

Over a tiramisu that we share, I muster the courage to see where Paige is really at.

“So, I don’t want you to feel used or anything at all, and I want you to punch me if I’m getting this wrong, but I think the two of us kind of like each other, even though there are obstacles. And I know you’re going at the end of the year, but how about, for the next few months at least, I mean, I’ll be busy with football, but, maybe, how about…” Fuck, how do I ask this? “I mean, I feel dirty saying just sex, but…”

“You want to be friends with benefits?” Paige suggests.

“Yeah. But, I don’t think we should like, broadcast it, or tell the kids, or my family, or anything. And it’s not that I want to hide you.”

Shit, I’m saying exactly the wrong things here. I can feel it.

“So, you want to have sex with me?” Paige raises an eyebrow.

I nod. Yes, yes, I do.