7. Round 7

7

ROUND 7

Willo

W e lost last weekend by the slimmest of margins, one point. It was a home game but played in Melbourne at the MCG. If it was a home game at Kings Park, we would have won, I’m sure of that. But the Warriors are near the top of the ladder for a reason, and they played well.

I spent hours analysing the game recording. If only I’d kicked straighter and that one behind, that snap kick that hit the post had been a centimetre the other way, we would have scored a goal, and the play would have gone back to the centre of the ground.

After playing in the major league for almost ten years, I’m used to the what-ifs with footy. I’m not used to the what-ifs in my personal life. After Cara died, my therapist told me it was natural to think about them.

What if Luna hadn’t been asleep, and she hadn’t agreed to go with Suzie to check the fencing?

What if I’d done more work on the farm that offseason instead of spending so much time with my kids?

Sometimes, I still think about the what-ifs regarding my wife, but this week, it’s been the what-ifs regarding Paige. Seeing her in my personal space was an eye-opener. I’m pretty sure she mentioned she isn’t used to children, but you wouldn’t know that from seeing her with them.

When Luna asked if Paige could stay when I went to pick up Billy and Jackson last week, I should have said no and insisted I take her home to save me another trip into town. Moira and Bert popped in after Bert’s appointment and stayed for dinner. Jackson was thrilled we were having tacos. Luna was thrilled Paige was still here. Billy was more subdued, though.

Billy’s always been a quiet kid. Ever since dinner with Paige, he’s been a little more subdued, but brushed me off when I’ve tried to talk to him. I need to make sure he’s okay. I’ve read Luna a picture book about dinosaurs, and a chapter of a book about the adventures of a farm kid who’s always getting up to mischief. I could swear that book was written about my middle child.

“Knock knock.” I rap my knuckles on Billy’s doorframe. The door is open. He’s sitting in bed playing on his handheld gaming device, which he slides under his sheets. He bites his lower lip, as he knows he’s not meant to be on his electronics before bed. I ignore it.

“I’m off to Adelaide tomorrow, but Gaga’s coming to stay, and I think she might even bring Auntie Charlene.”

Billy loves my sister. He’s a logical thinker and loves working on engines with her. Charlene’s always trying to fiddle with my old tractor.

“Cool.” Billy’s response is indeed cool.

“So, how’s school?” I ask, taking a seat on the floor next to my son’s bed.

“Yeah, good,” he replies, clearly not wanting to engage with me.

“Want to give me your game, and I’ll put it on the charger?” I offer.

“Sorry, Dad.” He passes it to me and bites his bottom lip again.

“We’ll let it go because I know you’ve got something on your mind. You don’t have to talk to me about it. You can talk to Gaga or Auntie Charlene if you want. ”

“Yeah, but they won’t know,” he mumbles.

“What won’t they know?” I ask, my hand finding his lower leg and giving it a squeeze.

“Is Paige your girlfriend?” He looks at me, his eyebrows drawn down.

“Paige?” My eyes are wide, my voice high. “Um, no, she’s someone I’m working with, that’s all.”

I’m not sure how I feel about my son’s question. It’s not one I saw coming. Sure, I’ve never brought a woman to the house, and I’ve never even been out with a woman since their mother died, so having Paige here might have been a bit confronting. It’s weird though. I don’t feel repulsed at the thought of Paige being here for reasons other than work.

“It’s just… some guys at school have been listening to your podcast, and they say that she’s your girlfriend.” Billy has the sheet scrunched between his fingers.

“Mate, I don’t have a girlfriend. My last girlfriend was your mum. If I was thinking about asking someone to be my girlfriend, I’d be telling you and Jacko and Lunes about it.”

“I don’t want another mum. I miss mine, and no one can replace her.” A tear slides down my son’s cheek, and I jump off the floor and onto the bed, where I wrap him in my arms.

“Oh, mate, I miss your mum so much too, but one day, I might want to see about finding a girlfriend.” This is the first time I’ve told anyone this, even myself.

I’ve always told people I’m fine by myself. Billy’s right though. It’s through spending time with Paige that I’ve come to realise that I miss female companionship.

Maybe it is coming through in the podcast that there seems to be some sort of chemistry between Paige and me.

Paige fills a lot of my thoughts. I’ve made a mental list of things I want to talk to her about for the show. I want to text her as soon as I think of them, but I don’t want to be pestering her with a dozen or more texts a day .

“You didn’t enjoy having Paige stay for dinner last week?” I ask Billy, who has composed himself again.

“It was okay. She doesn’t seem wicked.” I move away as Billy lifts a shoulder towards his ear.

“We aren’t living a fairy tale, mate,” I remind him.

“I know.” His lips turn up, but the smile doesn’t meet his eyes.

“I’ll FaceTime you when I’m away. We’ll be home Sunday.”

“I know.” He sighs.

“I miss you and your brother and sister when I’m away, you know. I’ll let you in on a secret, okay?” Billy’s ears prick up. “We’re playing in Brisbane the week before our bye, and it’s school holiday time. I was talking with Matty and Basha, and we thought we could look at spending a few days relaxing on the Gold Coast with everyone.”

“Like a holiday?” Billy’s eyes are wide. “Can we go to the theme parks?”

“Possibly.” I know we’ll be going there.

“Cool. Can Paige come?” he asks.

Whoa. What happened to his earlier thoughts?

“Um, I thought you didn’t like Paige that much,” I say slowly.

“Nah. She’s alright. And you’ll need a friend. I mean, if Wilson and Jenna aren’t there, you’ll have no one to talk to.”

“Huh?” I can’t see where Billy is going with this.

“Well, Basha and Mrs Leonardi are always kissing, and Matty will help Bel with the baby, and once Jackson, Luna, and me are in bed, you’ll need someone to talk to, so you might as well bring Paige.”

I don’t even correct my son’s grammar. My mum, his Gaga, does it all the time, and I know he hates it. I simply shake my head and wish him a good night’s sleep.

Indeed, I hope he sleeps well, because I doubt I will. My head is filled with the curvy American, the Yankee girl who I need to admit I’m thinking about more often than not.

Wilson Marks is the original joker of our club. He pulls pranks more frequently than some in the League pull a hamstring. He’s mentored Cooper Sterling into his jokester ways. Somehow I’ve drawn the short straw and am sitting next to Wilson on the plane. He has his headphones on and is laughing at whatever he’s listening to.

My focus is on the sports psychology podcast I like. After our narrow defeat last week, I know we need to play better against Adelaide. They played well last week but also lost. If they could get all facets of their game to go well, they’d be right up the top of the ladder where we are.

The thing I like about this podcast is the information isn’t new. It’s good to be reminded about ways of settling your mind before a game. Travelling is a part of the game. I’m glad I don’t play for one of the interstate teams that travels every other week, almost. Some players with young families have them travel with us. Jenna’s coming over after work tonight, and she and Wilson are spending Sunday at the wineries before they fly home. I just want to get home to my kids.

The plane lands, and I reach for my carry-on. The club will organise my luggage, but I always make sure I have a spare set of boots with me in case something gets lost. It never has, but you never know.

“That was fucking hilarious. She’s awesome, dude.” Wilson punches my shoulder.

“Huh?” I turn to him with my nose scrunched up.

“ The Yank and The Tank . I just listened to the first couple of episodes. You two are great together. Jenna said she was lovely, but she seems something else. And hearing you laugh is good, too.”

“You listened to that?” I shake my head.

“What? Matty told me it was good. So, when do I get to meet the lovely Paige? Is she coming over?”

“What? No.” My protest sounds like a whine. “Why would she? We’ll record on Monday afternoon once we’re home.”

Both my talk with Billy and this one with Wilson have me thinking, however, that a weekend with Paige might be fun. Paige is the polar opposite of Cara. She’s got curves for miles. I wonder if she’s self-conscious about her weight, as she’s usually wearing baggy tops and pants. When we recorded the podcast at my place, she wore a stunning sweater that highlighted her large breasts. Her wavy hair is a chestnut brown but with auburn highlights. I’ve hardly ever seen her wear it out. It’s usually up in a messy bun or clipped to her head.

When she first met my kids, she was quiet, but she came out of her shell more when Jackson and Luna kept asking her questions about America. No, she hadn’t been to Disneyland was the main thing they wanted to know.

There’s something about her that draws me into her orbit. I enjoy being around her, and I think I’d like to see more of her, even though I have no idea what that looks like.

A bus takes us to our hotel, where we gather for a team meeting before we carb load at a buffet set up by the hotel under strict instructions from our nutritional staff. Our game is tomorrow evening. Some guys are heading out to watch a movie, but I make my way to my room. I’m glad that, as a senior player, I don’t have to share with anyone.

After FaceTiming with the kids and seeing on the screen that the three of them are happy and having fun with my mother and sister, I make my excuses when Mum comes on and tries to ask me about Paige.

“Sorry. Gotta run. Team meeting and all. Talk tomorrow. Love you all. Bye.”

I throw my phone on the bed. There’s no team meeting, of course. I don’t want to talk about Paige with my mother, or my sister. Both would have too many questions that I don’t know how to answer.

I pick up my phone again and type and delete over a dozen messages to Paige. In the end, I decide to ease into things.

Hey. How was your week?

There’s no reply for over twenty seconds that feels more like twenty minutes.

Sorry. You’re probably out. No stress. I was thinking, how about a guest every other week on the show? Just let me know whenever. I’m sure I can find someone for next week if you want.

Once again, there’s no reply, and my messages go unread. I shouldn’t expect her to be at my beck and call, but I desperately want to talk with her.

My phone pings.

Paige

Hey you! I was in the shower. Work’s been good. When do you head to Adelaide?

My dick is engorged with blood at the thought of Paige in the shower. I can imagine how sexy those tits would look with water cascading down them.

We got here this afternoon.

Paige

Do you have to share a room with someone?

Nah. How about we talk about away trips on the podcast this week? I could talk through what I do and I know what some of the other guys do?

Paige

Sounds great. So no plans tonight?

Only talking to you , I think.

I just talked to the kids and thought I’d see if you were around.

Phew. That took a minute or two to compose. I feel so discombobulated. I don’t think I ever felt like this talking to Cara on the school bus when we were only a few years older than Billy is now.

Paige

I thought I might watch the game that’s on telly tonight. It’s the Peninsula Panthers and the Redbacks.

I know who’s playing tonight. There’s somewhat of a rivalry between the Monarchs and Panthers. They narrowly defeated us in the Grand Final seven years ago, and since then, there has been no love lost between us. We will play them again in a few weeks. I flick on the telly and turn the volume down. I hate the commentators who are calling the game this evening.

I’ve got it on in the backgroove.

Paige

Sorry?

Shit. Sorry. Fat fingers.

Paige

I don’t think there’s anything fat about you, and I should know.

I ponder what she means. Sure, she’s not a stick insect, and I suppose she might be classed as overweight, but that doesn’t make her any less of a person.

This type of is hard. Can I call?

Typing. See. Proving my point.

Paige

…

Those three dots tease me for over a minute. She’s either typing an essay or can’t work out what to say. Eventually, her response arrives.

Paige

Sure .

“Hello?” She sounds quieter than usual, even though she picks up on the first ring.

“Hey, Yankee Girl.” It’s so nice to talk to her. “I’m just putting you on speaker, so I can lie back in my bed and talk.”

“Oh. Like that, is it?” she asks, no humour in her voice.

“No.” I stutter over a single syllable. “There’s no comfy chair, that’s all.”

I daren’t tell her I’m as hard as a rock and my dick is almost hard enough to separate the tines on the zipper and poke through without pulling the fly down.

“Okay. I just…” Paige pauses, and I can hear her swallow through the phone. “I just, I’m not dating anyone or anything, and I’m not letting men use me.”

Use her? That would be the last thing I wanted to do to her.

“It’s all good. So, tell me about the farm you grew up on.”

Paige sighs, and I wonder if I’ve asked too much. “My mom got pregnant at seventeen, and her parents kicked her out. So did my dad’s parents, so they moved from Wisconsin to Minnesota, and he got a job as a farmhand. When I was about four, he came home one day to a note from my mom saying she couldn’t do this anymore. She’d signed over all parental rights to my dad and just left. I don’t really remember her at all.”

Shit . Cara and I were lucky both sets of parents were encouraging of our unplanned pregnancy. Cara was an amazing mother, and I can’t imagine her just leaving.

“Wow.” What can I say? “I just… wow.”

“Dad didn’t really want me either, but he kept me. We lived in a shed on the farm. Mr and Mrs Williams owned it. He was a prick, but she was always lovely to me. So, yeah, my farm memories aren’t all sunshine and roses.”

“I can imagine. I can see why you couldn’t wait to get away.” Her upbringing sounds less than ideal.

“Yeah.” I wish this was a video call and I could see Paige’s facial reactions. She sounds philosophical, but I suspect there is still a lot of pain present. “It is what it is. I think I’ve been looking for acceptance, even though I haven’t accepted myself necessarily.”

“In what way?” I ask.

“Well, I don’t really have deep connections with people. I mean, other than Brittany. I enjoyed my time at college, but I had no relationships, only flings, I suppose. If there was a quest to bang a fat chick, I was often the token offering because I put out.”

I hate hearing Paige talk like this about herself.

“You’re not fat,” I tell her.

“Yeah, I am.” She chuckles. “My doctor tells me I’m actually obese.”

“But you’re a beautiful person. I mean, I think you’re lovely, and carrying some excess weight doesn’t define you as a whole person.”

There’s a long pause on the line. Shit. I’ve said too much.

“Thanks, Tank. I don’t think anyone’s ever said something so nice to me.”

“So, what about New York? That’s home now, isn’t it?”

“Maybe.” She sighs again. “It’s big, and I live in a shoebox-sized apartment. I can hardly afford to go out and socialise, and even then, there’s really only Brittany. The city is big and noisy and dirty. I think that’s why I like Bayview Cove.”

My heart swells to hear this. Maybe I can help Paige overcome some of her perceived deficiencies. I’m glad she likes the Cove. She knows I haven’t set foot on my family property since the day we buried Cara and Susie. I couldn’t even head out there to bury my father a week later. I know how healing the Cove can be.

“Um, so something to think about,” I start and then take a deep breath. “We’ve got a game up north in Brisbane, and it’s just before school holidays, and Matty and Basha and me were talking about taking our families and making a mini-break of it. Billy actually suggested I ask you to come along. As a friend.” I blurt out the last part. “As I said, just something to consider.”

“Cool. I’ll, um, think about it,” Paige replies, and again, I wish I could see her face. Her tone gives nothing away. “I can’t believe how much paid leave I get in Australia. I thought I’d bank it up and go for a bit of a trip at the end of my time here, but I might spare a few days.”

My heart pounds, and my face houses a grin a mile wide. I like the sound of this.

A plane trip home after a win is always jovial. Matty and I grabbed a burrito together after the game. It was a solid win, and, again, I played well. I’m in the best form of my career and there’s speculation that even though I missed a few games at the start of the year, I might be in the running for the Brownlow Medal, awarded for the best and fairest player in the League at the end of the season.

I try to push distractions like that out of my mind. Sure, it would be an honour to win, but I play because I enjoy the game; awards are secondary.

“So, Lover Boy.” Basha leans across the aisle from where he is seated to talk to me. “What’s on the podcast this week? More foreplay?”

Several of the guys sitting near us laugh, but I simply shake my head. “You know it’s not like that,” I tell them. As much as I’m beginning to wish it was, I can’t get ahead of myself.

I wonder if I’m finally beginning to accept what people have been telling me for a couple of years. Cara wouldn’t want me to wallow in her memory. She’d want me to go on and live my life. As my therapist told me after Cara died, I shouldn’t put the idea of another relationship off for fear of polluting the love I shared with my wife. He reminded me I can love the three of my children the same, and loving someone else won’t erase the love Cara and I had.

Not that I’m ready for love. Whilst my friends were all out sowing oats, and even though we were country boys, more oats were sewn in the back seats of trucks and bedrooms than in any field, if you get my drift. Maybe I simply want to spend some time working out what I might have missed out on.

I’m not drawn to casual encounters, though. I leave them to my brother, Tina, who always seems to be with a different woman. Maybe I’ll just spend some time with Paige and get to know her better. It’s clear she’s got some demons, just as I do. Learning more about her sounds exciting to begin with.

After landing, I grab my kit and make it home in good time. I might still have time to move the sheep to the next paddock where there is more feed. I hope we get some rain this week, or else I’ll be laying out more hay for the animals.

Even though I know my mum and sister will be there to greet me, I still feel a sense of relaxation when I turn up our drive. Cara never saw the extensions and renovations finished. We never even had our own stock, just some that we looked after for neighbouring farmers. They pay me back now by looking out for my animals if we’re all away. It’s part of the country hospitality people talk about.

I don’t own a lot of acreage. It was the house and the idea of living in a rural setting that sold this place to Cara and me. I wanted to raise our kids with room to roam. The previous owner had sold off most of the land, but we still have a few paddocks. The old woolshed was condemned, and we pulled it down. Now I take the sheep next door when they’re shearing. It works well.

I pull up in the shed. I left our four by four with Mum as it has all the kids’ seats set up in it, not that I expected them to venture too far, and I took the old ute—or truck, as Paige calls it.

Duchess hears me close the door and runs towards me. She was Cara’s dog but is now most loyal to Billy.

“Dad. Guess what?” Jackson runs towards me.

“The Monarchs won?” I offer and see my middle child roll his eyes. Placing my arm around his shoulders, we make our way towards the house. I can grab my bags later.

“Yes, but Gaga and Auntie Char took us shopping, and we saw Paige.”

I stop in my tracks. “You saw Paige? Where?”

“At the shops. Listen up, would you?” Jacko shakes his head. “Gaga’s cooking roast lamb, and she said we had to have parsnips, so we went to the shops. Not the ones you usually go to, but the big one in town, and Paige was there. She said she doesn’t like parsnips, and Gaga said she should come out and have roast lamb with us and try them, but Paige said she was busy.”

My mind races. Paige hasn’t messaged me, not that I’m going to pull my phone out when I see Luna running towards me, my mother and sister behind her.

“Oh, and Mr Montgomery came over with his massive tractor and let me ride in it and said that he’d teach me to drive it if you say yes. And I said you would. And he said you should move the sheep to the south paddock, and I agree with him.”

“Did he just?” I ruffle Jacko’s hair. “Hey, bubs.” I scoop Luna up and swing her in the air. Her giggles are infectious. “Did you have fun with Gaga and Auntie Charlene?”

“Yep, and we saw Paige.” Luna weaves her arms around my neck and plants a kiss on my cheek.

“Jacko said,” I say, trying to leave any emotion out of my voice.

“She seems lovely.” Mum also greets me with a kiss on the cheek.

“She is a lovely woman, yes,” I agree. “And I’m glad to be working with her.”

“Come on, Lunes.” My sister claps her hands and winks at me, her smile a mile wide. “We better finish this painting.”

Jesus. I don’t know if they are painting walls again or simply have the easel out. I’m hoping it’s the latter. Jacko runs off behind his sister and aunt, leaving me with Mum.

“Where’s Billy?” I ask.

“He and Duchess have spent most of the weekend in the hay shed playing that video game thing.”

Duchess hears Billy’s name and also races off. There’s no one here to protect me from the inquisition I know is coming from my mother.

“So, I’ve been told you bumped into Paige at the supermarket.” I decide to rip the Band Aid off.

“Not the supermarket, the fruit and vegetable shop near the city square. But yes, she seems lovely.” Mum places her arm through mine and pats my upper arm .

“She is, Mum, but we work together. I enjoy spending time with her, but there’s nothing happening between us.” Yet .

“Luna and Jackson seem very taken with her,” Mum adds.

“I know. I had a chat with Billy, and he doesn’t want me to replace his mum. And that’s not what’s happening, anyway.” I huff out a breath. “Look, I might start dating again sometime, but I will not give my family a blow-by-blow of every date.”

“I invited her to dinner.” Mum smiles.

“I heard,” I reply flatly.

“She said she was busy, but I’m sure she’d come if the invitation came from you.”

I want to strangle my mother. I love her to bits, but she can be an interfering busybody. After our phone conversation on Friday night, I’d like nothing more than for her to come to dinner, but perhaps first with just the kids and not my mother and sister. Plus, I know how to roast a lamb.

“You go in, Mum. I’ll grab my bags.” I head back to the car and pull out my phone.

Shit. I’m sorry if my mother was inappropriate when you bumped into them all.

The message is marked as read straight away.

Paige

It was funny, really. You home already?

Yep. And you are more than welcome to have dinner with us, but I know my mother and sister can be a bit much.

Paige

I would love to, but I am actually meeting up with Debbie for a drink. She said she has to get away from her husband and kids for a bit and can’t wait until work tomorrow.

All good. Claude was over here this weekend, I believe. He can be a little intense.

Paige

Raincheck?

Raincheck.

Paige has plans, but she said if she didn’t she would have come out here. With my family.

I grab my bags and take them to the house with a spring in my step.

It doesn’t take me too long to unpack and change, and I’m soon heading into the kitchen where I know Mum will have brewed a pot of tea. She’s peeling potatoes when I enter, so I grab a to go cup and fill it with tea and a splash of milk.

“Hey, Jacko, want to move some sheep?” I ask.

The television flicks off in rapid time, and Jacko jumps over the back of the couch to reach me. “Absolutely. Are we putting them in the south paddock?”

“You seem to think that’s a good idea, so why not?” I smile at him. “Let’s see if Billy wants to help. We’ll need Duchess, after all.”

Jacko scrambles to put his boots on, and I follow him to the hay shed. Billy comes with us, and the sheep are moved with little fuss.

“Thanks, boys.” I take my hat off and throw it on the hook by the back door as I toe my boots off. “You were both a great help. Got any homework, Billy?”

“Done it, Dad,” he replies with a smile.

He stays back on the verandah, not moving to take off his boots. “Everything okay?” I ask him.

“Yeah. We saw Paige at the shops, and she said she didn’t want to come to dinner with us, but if you can tell her that I won’t mind if she does, maybe.” My beautiful, sweet, empathetic son has come out today.

“Paige has something on, but maybe we’ll have her out for a roast dinner another night. Would you like that?” I ask him.

“Yeah. I think I would. I mean, I didn’t really talk to her last time.” Billy’s head is hung, his cap clenched between his fingers .

“It’s okay to be quiet, and it’s okay to take time to get to know someone,” I tell him.

“Okay.” Billy nods before calling for Duchess and heading back towards the shed. “Call me when dinner’s ready, alright?” he yells behind him.

“Maybe. Maybe I’ll eat yours too. I’m pretty hungry,” I call behind him.

Billy looks back, smiles, and shakes his head. I think we’re okay.