Thirteen

"It was awful." Sprawled out on Joel's couch with an arm slung over my eyes, I heave a dissatisfied groan.

"Nah," Joel says as the chair across from me squeaks under his weight. "It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The Scorchers are a good team, man. I doubt I'd have done any better against them."

"I don't know." Maybe he's right, but it felt like I let the whole team down. And the tongue-lashing Coach Pratt gave us in the locker room afterward confirmed it. He didn't mention me—or Joel, rather—by name, but he did let on that our offense essentially sucked.

"It wasn't just you, though, Jude," Gwen says, lowering herself onto Joel's lap. "The entire team was off tonight. Defense struggled too."

"She's right," Joel pipes in. His injured hand rests lazily against Gwen's side.

"Any better?" I gesture to his wrist.

He holds it up and turns it back and forth too gingerly for my liking. "It does feel some better, but—"

"But I'm making him keep it braced and not letting him use it," Gwen interjects. "At all. He doesn't like me very much right now." She shoots Joel a look and he huffs.

"It's because this is getting old. I just want to be back out there."

"Believe me," I say, "I want you back out there too." If only to get Chantelle off my back. The image of her with Jones in the hallway comes hurtling back and I grit my teeth. The way he looked at her was enough to make me want to cross check him.

I still haven't told Joel that I fessed up to Chantelle. I need to, though. The longer I go without telling him, the riskier it is if she ever does decide to go against our truce. Now feels like as good a time as any.

"Jones was tough to get around," I say, easing into the subject.

"Yeah, he's a beast."

I sit up and rest my elbows on my knees. "Did you know he dated the coach's daughter?"

Joel nods. "Yeah, they dated for almost a year, I think. Till he got drafted."

I file the information away for later and gather the courage to tell my brother I messed up. "So speaking of the coach's daughter." I clear my throat. "She, uh…she knows."

Both Gwen and Joel eye me with varying degrees of shock. "What?" Gwen puts a hand to her mouth, and it looks as if she's trying to blink away tears. "I thought I threw her off your case. She seemed totally convinced."

I rush forward with the rest before she loses it. Upsetting her in her current state is the last thing I want to do. "She's not going to tell her dad," I assure her. "At least, she said she wouldn't."

"Why won't she?" Joel asks before his throat bobs on a swallow. Maybe I made the wrong decision by telling them, but I can't reel the words back in now.

"Because I sort of…found out something she didn't want me to, and we both agreed to keep each other's secret."

Joel's eyes narrow. "What's her secret?"

Rubbing both hands down my face, I stand. "I can't tell you, idiot, or I'll be breaking her confidence. Do you want her to keep this thing quiet or not?" Judging by the way Joel looks at me, I'm guessing I look borderline unhinged right now.

"Okay, fine. We won't ask." He pulls Gwen close and squeezes her side. "Right, babe?"

"Right," she echoes. Joel's phone's ringtone suddenly pierces the air.

"It's Mom," he says before answering. "Hey, Mom." He stares at me while he listens to her go on, most likely about how he did in the game tonight. Too bad it wasn't him. I heave a sigh and sink back down onto the couch. "Jude's here, Mom. Wanna say hi?"

He puts the phone on speaker, then slides it across the coffee table toward me. "Hey, Mom. How's it going?"

"Oh, pretty good. Dad's taking good care of me, at least." There's a smile in her voice, but she sounds weak. "How are things going with training? How's Kenzie?"

"Kenzie is good. She's been busy with Luca, but it's been good for her. We haven't been training as hard lately. We're sort of…resting up." Except there's been very little rest for me. More like double duty.

"Aw, well, that's good, sweetie. Take some time for yourself before you hit the ice hard again," Mom says. "And don't feel left out now that Kenzie has a boyfriend. You'll find a girl sooner or later."

"Hopefully sooner," Joel butts in with a stupid grin.

"Shut up."

"Now, now, boys. None of that," Mom scolds us like we're twelve. "I love you both. Jude just happens to be a later bloomer, Joel. Remember when it took him longer for his voice to change at puberty?"

Covering my face with both hands, I groan while Joel laughs. "How could I forget?"

"All right, Mom, I"m going to go now," I say. "Love you."

"Love you, Jude. You too, Joel. Give Gwen a kiss for me."

My chest cinches tight at the admonition as Joel says goodbye to Mom. I shouldn't be jealous of my brother, and yet, I do wish I were in his shoes with a wife who adored me and a baby on the way. Even his career is more stable than mine. I feel like everyone around me is advancing in their lives and relationships while I'm stagnant. I guess pretending to be Joel is the closest I'll come to enjoying the level of success he's reached in life.

That thought sours my stomach. I need to get home and away from all the things I'm missing out on as a bachelor who works too much.

"I need to go." I shoot to my feet and head toward the door.

"Wait, Jude." Joel's footsteps sound behind me. "We need to talk about what to do about Chantelle."

I reluctantly turn and face him. "There's nothing to do. She said she'll keep our secret, and she will. If I think she's a threat, I'll let you know." With that, I grab my coat from the hook by the door and stomp outside, letting the cool night air slap me in the face and bring me back to reality.

I don't have time to bemoan my life choices right now. Not while I'm covering for my brother and trying not to get caught. But I already know that later when I'm alone, loneliness will once again overwhelm me and mock the mess I've allowed my life to become.

"I need you to loosen your hold a bit," Kenzie says, grabbing my hand. "I need to be able to spin out a little further."

I nod and do as she says. "Like this?"

"Yeah, let's try it." We get into position and spin again. This time, I make sure not to grip as tightly so her body can lean into the centrifugal force. When I pull her in, she breathes out, "Good. That was much better."

I release her, then skate toward the wall. "Let's take a water break."

The slicing of her skates sounds behind me until she stops at my side. "You okay? You seem to be needing an awful lot of water breaks today."

I nod, then take a swig from my water bottle. After capping it and setting it down, I say, "Just tired."

"Yeah, I bet." I can feel her eyes sweeping over me as I stare out at the ice. "Got any plans for tonight?"

Confused, I glance her way, then remember it's Valentine's Day. "Uh, no. Well, I mean, not romantic plans. I've got a hockey party I'm supposed to go to. Apparently, Ronnie, the captain's girlfriend, thought it would be fun to host a masquerade party."

"Ooh, that does sound like fun," Kenzie croons. "Think you can snag me and Luca an invite?"

I glance at her with an eye roll. "You can take my place; how about that?"

She laughs. "I know house parties aren't your thing. Why do you have to go, anyway?"

"Joel says I should. He would go."

"So…" She holds out the o. "Why doesn't he just go as himself?"

"Because his wrist is in a brace. Plus, he's afraid he'll say something that'll contradict something I've said recently…he just feels it's too risky. And honestly, I agree. It's better if I just act as him for now. That way there's less of a chance of us screwing this up. So I'm taking Gwen, and we're going to make an appearance."

She nods slowly. "You played well last night."

"Thanks," I mumble back.

"You don't think you did?"

Finally, I fully face her. "I'm not Joel. And the longer this goes on, the riskier it is. They'll see through my inability to play at his level, and he'll lose his spot on both teams. Then where will he and Gwen be?"

Kenzie's eyes soften at the corners as she places her hands over mine. "Jude, what you're doing for your brother is truly commendable. But having to constantly walk around on eggshells is going to ruin your mental health." She stares at me with a concerned expression. "How much longer does he need you to do this?"

"I'm hoping only two more weeks," I say, running a hand over my hair. "Gwen said the swelling's gone down, but it's best to keep him from using it for at least another week or so. If he tries handling a stick too soon, he could mess it up further."

Kenzie nods, then gazes out at the rink. "Just don't kill yourself, Jude. You're a people-pleaser at heart. You'd deny it with your last breath, I know, but you are. And sometimes people like you get taken advantage of because they don't know how to draw a boundary line."

I meet her eyes. "He's my twin brother, Kenz. We don't have a boundary line."

Again, her expression softens. "And maybe that's the problem." Without another word, she skates out onto the ice, leaving me to wonder if she's right. Am I bending over backward for our family to my own detriment? Probably. But there's not a doubt in my mind that they'd do the same for me if I needed it.