Chapter 42

Chapter Forty-Two

O ne morning two weeks later, Kiera woke up crying. She’d been remembering her life, just a few months earlier. She recalled the frivolity of dating, the fun of getting to know Seymour, the possibilities that being together had opened up. She’d messed it all up. She knew she should get out of bed but she just couldn’t.

She lay on her back, gazing at the ceiling, thinking of how awful she’d been to Clodagh. She thought about how she’d run out on Seymour, how she’d even pushed Lou away. She was alone, but she was experiencing a moment of clarity: she could see that she was the architect of her own undoing. Knowing that didn’t mean she knew how to make it better, though.

She looked over at her phone, which she hadn’t even switched on for the last few days, and then to the window where the curtains were slightly open. A ray of sunshine was trying to get through. She felt heavier than she had ever felt, and was filled with the sense that everything was finished. There was no hope .

There was a knock at the door. “Kiera,” said Chrissie, “are you ok? You’re normally up by now. I don’t think I’ve seen you eat for a day or two. I’m worried.”

There was a pause. Then, slowly, Kiera raised her head. “Just feeling a bit under the weather. Going to sleep it off.” Her head hit the pillow and she pulled the covers over her head.

The next morning there was another knock. Kiera waited for Chrissie’s voice, but this time it was someone different.

It was Lou.

“Hun, come on, you need to let me in.” Her voice was familiar and warm and courted no dissent.

“Ok.” Kiera’s voice was croaky and barely there at all. The door handle turned and Lou came in.

“Oh, hun, what are we going to do with you, eh?” Lou sat on the bed and stroked Kiera’s hair, which hadn’t been washed for several days.

“Why are you here?” whispered Kiera.

“Chrissie might be a muppet, but she knows when something’s wrong. She called me. I’m calling the GP – you need to see someone today,” said Lou, scrolling through her phone.

“I can’t go anywhere,” said Kiera, aware of how pathetic she sounded.

“I know it feels like that, hun, but today that’s the one thing you do have to do. It’s the start of getting better,” said Lou.

“Getting better?” Kiera could hear herself speaking but it felt like someone else was saying the words.

Lou smiled and stroked Kiera’s hair again. “Yes. You’re poorly, my love, and we need to get you some help. It’s all going to be fine now. I’m here. ”

She left the room. Kiera had the vague sensation that the world might not be ending today after all, even though it had felt that way just a few hours earlier. She’d delegated the day’s decisions to Lou, and that felt good. She could hear murmured voices in the hallway, and just let them wash over her. Concentrating felt a long way beyond her capabilities.