Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

I t was 1.45am, and Kiera was still awake. She had headed to bed early following ‘the date’ but had yet to actually fall asleep. Her legs twitched and her mind wandered in circles. She recalled the conversation that had unexpectedly ripped away the foundations from beneath her feet, just one year earlier, in this very bed.

One year earlier

“Hey, Chrissie, are you ok?” asked Kiera, looking across at her wife, who had been uncharacteristically silent all evening.

“Hmm, oh, yes, fine,” said Christina, gazing wide-eyed at the ceiling. Keira followed her eyes, wondering if there was a mark there, or something interesting. But there was nothing.

“You’ve been very quiet since you came back from your retreat,” Kiera persevered. She didn’t like atmospheres, or the sense that something was going on that she ought to know about .

“Oh well, yes, I suppose so.” There was a pause. When it was clear Chrissie wasn’t going to elaborate, Kiera turned over to face her.

“So, what’s going on? You’ve been quite distracted recently. Is everything ok?”

“Oh, Kiera, I’m so tired. I think I need to sleep before I talk about this.”

“About what?” Kiera knew she was being impatient, but she felt uneasy, and couldn’t help but prod. “Did something bad happen at the retreat?” She fought the urge to roll her eyes as she said the ‘r’ word. While she considered the Infinite Bliss retreats Chrissie was so fond of to be little more than expensive nonsense, she knew they mattered to her wife, so she kept a lid on it.

“Well, I’ve spoken to Lucian a few times over the last few days. Don’t roll your eyes. I can feel you doing it.” She was right. Kiera screwed up her eyes. “He’s a really inspired leader,” said Chrissie. She was right, and that was one of the things Kiera really didn’t like about him. He had too much of a whiff of cult-leader to him, and she hated it when Chrissie quoted him in their lives together, on everything from food to careers.

“And what did he say?” She tried to keep her voice neutral.

“Well, as you know, we were exploring how we tread on the earth, how we contribute to the wider community of humans on the planet, who is an enriching influence, who is a toxic influence.”

“Mmm hmm,” said Kiera, who didn’t know where either of them landed on that particular scale.

“And we were all writing down the lists of the people in our lives who were either enriching or toxic to our bliss. ”

“Right,” said Kiera, struggling to see where this was going.

“And, well, you weren’t on the enriching list.”

“Oh, really? No, perhaps not. I’m not sure anyone can be enriching all the time, especially after seven years together and with bills to pay and a house to care for, and you know, life happening.”

“But you were on my toxic list.”

Kiera sat up straight in bed. “Say that again.”

Chrissie was still lying on her back, gazing at the ceiling. “You are toxic to my life and my bliss.”

“I’m toxic to your life? What?” Kiera was blinking, trying to make sense of what Chrissie was telling her. “I’m your wife.”

“Yes. And I think we need to do some work together,” said Chrissie, her focus still apparently elsewhere. The whole time they’d been talking it had been as if she were in a kind of trance, not once looking at Kiera.

“Toxic, how?” Kiera switched on the light.

Chrissie shaded her eyes before continuing. “Well, you know, you make me sad, you’re holding me back, you don’t bring me joy.”

“What?” said Kiera, having no idea of what to say, but feeling as if all the colour were draining from the room.

“Look, I can’t talk about this now, I need to sleep. It’s important.”

“So is our marriage,” said Kiera, raising her voice for the first time. “What do you mean by ‘work’, anyway?”

“Well, in the first instance, I think we should have a session with Lucian. He really is so good,” said Chrissie, giving up her supine position and sitting up, too. “He’s really changed so many lives. ”

“I don’t want my life changed, thank you very much. And how is he qualified to help us?”

“He understands me on a spiritual level,” said Chrissie. “I need you to understand that too.”

Kiera sighed. “I want to understand, I do. It’s just so alien to me.”

“That’s because you are closed off to your inner being,” said Chrissie, in a matter of fact tone of voice.

“I’m what?”

“Lucian could help you get in touch with your aura in a way that could be transformational. It could help you care about more than paying bills and stuff like that,” said Chrissie.

“But there isn’t anything wrong with caring about this stuff, Chrissie. If I didn’t do it, who would?”

“The universe will provide,” Chrissie replied, reverently.

“I highly doubt the universe will pay the Council Tax or put the bins out,” said Kiera, an edge to her voice that she didn’t like.

“And this is why you are toxic, Kiera.” Chrissie turned to her and took one of her hands in hers. “You could be happy, we could go on this journey together. But you insist on being so much part of what is wrong with the world.”

Kiera resisted the temptation to shake her hand free. “Ok,” she said, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath in and then out. “I am hearing that you aren’t happy, that you want things to change. I want to engage with that. I just can’t do it with him.”

Chrissie’s eyes filled up. It was the first sign of emotion she had shown.

“Can we get relationship counselling from someone? Someone trained – a professional?” asked Kiera. “I want this to work, I really do. ”

“So do I, Kiera, but you need to respect the important role Lucian holds in my life.”

Kiera’s own eyes began to fill up. She felt trapped by a situation she didn’t fully understand.

She got out of bed and walked to the door.

“Where are you going?”

“I need a cup of tea,” said Kiera. Moments later, she watched as the kettle boiled, steam filling the corner under the cupboard where it resided. She replayed the words Chrissie had said.

Toxic, sad, holding back .

When had this happened? She knew things weren’t super-hot right now. It had been a while since they’d had sex, and so much of their life revolved around housework and working and mundane activities. It wasn’t as exciting and sparkly as it had been when they’d first got together more than seven years before. But that was what happened in a marriage, wasn’t it? It ebbed and flowed. There would always be peaks and troughs. This was just another trough.

Or was it a full stop?

She made tea in her favourite mug – it was yellow with a smiley face on it. It was slightly chipped after an encounter with the kitchen floor a few months back, but it was still her favourite and Kiera would never part with it.

She walked back up to the bedroom to find Chrissie gently snoring. “I’m sorry, but how can you sleep at a time like this?” said Kiera, very close to losing her temper.

Chrissie put a hand over her eyes. “Sorry. Just so tired. Lucian says I’m chronically sleep deprived.”

“Fuck Lucian. What do you think? How much of this is you, and how much is what he’s put into your head?”

“Kiera, that’s not fair.” Chrissie sat up at last. She sighed. “Ok, so, we’ll do this now. ”

Kiera felt tears forming. There was a silence. “So,” she said eventually, fairly certain the brave face she was trying to put on was about to slip.

“So, we are different people. And I think we’ve become more different. You don’t have the same interests as me anymore.”

“Have you considered that it might be you that’s changed?” asked Kiera. “I love you, we committed our lives to each other. Our lives.” Her voice faltered. A fat tear fell down her cheek.

“We will always have a shared road where our paths conjoined.” Chrissie looked sad for a moment. “How do you feel?”

“Recently I’ve often felt a bit old, overweight, frumpy even. I wonder if you find me attractive anymore.” Kiera had given up trying to hide the tears now. They flowed freely, and she knew they wouldn’t stop for anything.

“Well, I suppose I find people I have things in common with most attractive, and I don’t have much in common with you at all.”

Kiera swallowed and opened her mouth to say something, but nothing would come out. She felt her heartbeat speed up as she tried to digest what Chrissie had just said. She tried to wipe her eyes, and took a sip of tea. She sat down on the edge of the bed, afraid she might physically crumple in the way she could feel herself crumpling mentally. “I’m not attractive to you anymore?” she asked, hiccoughing and dreading the answer, but knowing she had to ask.

Chrissie looked away, and for a moment Kiera thought she might cry too. But she remained oddly detached. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry. ”

“I wondered whether the issue might just be monogamy. It’s a social construct, as you know,” said Chrissie, as though she was teaching a seminar. “I’m not sure I was made just to be with one person forever.”

“As I know? What are you saying? Is there someone else?” Kiera felt incredulous, and had an urge to laugh at the spectacular way in which her life seemed to be unravelling before her eyes.

“No, no. No one else now. But perhaps we need to think about having a more open relationship?”

“Stop,” said Kiera. “Stop talking. I can’t listen to this anymore. Do you remember our wedding vows? Do you remembering us promising to be everything to each other forever? Did that mean anything to you?”

“Of course it did,” said Chrissie, looking up at Kiera. “But things changed. Maybe you’d be happy if you were able to see other people too?”

“No. No, that won’t make me happy. I honestly don’t know what to say to you.” She stood up and left the room, taking her half-drunk tea with her.

She went down the stairs and shrugged on her coat, leaving the house and closing the front door with a slam. Lou lived only ten minutes’ walk away on a street parallel with her own, but further along the High Street, so she started in that direction. It was cold and dark, and there were only a few people about. Her head was ringing with the revelations of her conversation with Chrissie.

It was only when she rang the doorbell that Kiera looked at her watch and realised it was past 11pm and she was still hanging onto her tea, which by now was stone cold. She heard a muffled voice from the open window above her head, and then footsteps .

Lou appeared at the door, her face uncertain. “Oh God, I’m so sorry, I had no idea it was this late,” said Kiera.

“What’s happened?” asked Lou, ignoring Kiera’s words. “You look awful. Is someone dead? What’s going on? Who’s dead?”

“No one’s dead.” Kiera put down the mug, finally, on the sideboard in Lou’s hall. “Well, perhaps my marriage.” And with that statement, Kiera’s face crumpled. Lou drew her into her dressing-gown-covered arms, and the two of them stood there for a moment, before Lou spoke again.

“I think I need to open a bottle of wine. Red or white?”

“Red,” said Kiera, following her closest friend into the house. They sat in the kitchen together, once Lou had gone upstairs to reassure her husband that everything was ok.

Slowly, Kiera relayed the conversation she had just had. She repeated it verbatim, certain every word was seared into her soul. Lou said very little to start with, just listened, her eyebrows slowly rising higher up her forehead. Eventually, the tale told, there was a silence.

“What a wanker she is,” said Lou, before taking a generous mouthful of her wine.

Kiera giggled and then sobbed. “Yes, I think you might be right.” She wiped her eyes with the tissues Lou had surreptitiously placed beside her. “What on earth do I do now?”

“Do? Well, my lovely friend, I think you need to do nothing. She might just be having a rush of blood to the head or a mid-life crisis or a psychological break. Wait and see what the morning brings.”

“But what about tonight?”

“Well, that’s easy. You can sleep here in the spare room.” Kiera glanced at her mobile. There were a couple of missed calls from Chrissie, and a message asking where she was. “ Don’t answer,” said Lou, “keep her guessing for a bit. Are you hungry? Ferny made biscuits at school. Look at these babies.”

“Um. They look interesting.”

“Yep. I’m not sure about the green icing myself but apparently, Ferny insisted. I do have some fruit and nut hidden at the back of the treat cupboard.”

“Perfect,” said Kiera, feeling less slightly as if the world had spun off its axis. Of course Lou was right. It was just a moment of madness on Chrissie’s part. They talked more about Chrissie’s unhealthy connection to the Infinite Bliss community.

“Sounds like a cult to me,” said Lou conspiratorially.

“I said that to her once, but it didn’t go down well.”

“Is it a getting older thing? Is she having a mid-life crisis, maybe?”

“Yeah, could be,” said Kiera, the wine beginning to take the edge off her dread.

They talked until after 1am, and then Lou tucked Kiera up in the box room. She kissed Kiera’s cheek. “It will be ok, hun,” she said, before leaving for her own bedroom.

As the door closed, the dread returned, and tears began to form once more. Kiera couldn’t help but think of that day, when she and Chrissie had stood before their friends and family, bright-eyed, their smiles wide, promising forever. It cut like a razor. But the alcohol did its job, and eventually she fell into the dark recess of sleep.

With morning came a headache and a sense that everything had changed. And that sense was well-founded. In the days that followed, Kiera became sure Chrissie was seeing someone from Infinite Bliss. She had said again that she felt the only way their relationship could survive would be if they were both to take other lovers. The haze of shock and fear lasted for weeks, by the end of which Kiera had found a small flat to rent on a street close to their marital home.

Chrissie wouldn’t leave the house, explaining that she didn’t see why either of them should have to go. So, for her own sanity, Kiera had to be the one that left. Quietly, one Sunday afternoon, Lou, her husband and a few other friends helped Kiera pack up her life and leave her wife.