CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Loki

My eyes dart around to find her as I charge through the clubroom, heading for the kitchen.

Hayes steps out in front of me, blocking my path. "Hey, VP, I was working through moving the baked goods out in the loft, and I had an idea that maybe we should try having the storage downstairs instead. Then we don't have to lug it up the stairs all the time."

Raising my brow at him, I let out a huff because he's stopping me from going to find Bea for this bullshit. "Hayes… what's downstairs underneath the loft?"

He glances up to the sky like he's thinking it through. "Ahh, the pigsty and the crop farm?"

Tilting my head. "So, Prospect, do you think all our baked goods would still be hygienic and contamination-free if we brought them down to where the pigs are located?" I snap, probably a little more forcefully than necessary.

His bright smile drops as he takes a step back from me. "No… I-I didn't think about that."

"No. You didn't. You were being fucking lazy and trying to take the easy way out, like always. For fuck's sake, Hayes. Pick up your act if you want to earn your patch. Go find Rip and get him to show you how hard a real brother works."

He dips his head, and his right eye twitches as he leaves, trying to hide the anger I can already see brewing inside him.

I don't have time to babysit Prospects.

When Montana was a prospect, yeah, he did stupid shit, but we never had to babysit him. Hayes, on the other hand, could be a damn liability. I might have a talk with Alpha about letting this one go.

But that's for another time.

Right now, I need to find Bea.

Making my way around the clubhouse, I search everywhere—even in my bedroom—but I can't find her. I make my way back out into the main clubroom, confusion surging through me as I head over to Montana and Rhyan while they sit at a table together, laughing about something as I approach.

Montana glances up at me as I step in beside him. "Hey, VP, you okay? You look…" He hesitates.

Rhyan places her hand out and gently touches my arm. "Stressed," she finishes his sentence for him with a concerned expression.

Still continuing to dart around the room with my eyes trying to find Bea, I exhale. "Bea was here before, arrived as Haven was leaving. I know I saw her, but I can't find her now."

Rhyan tilts her head with a grimace, and instantly, my stomach sinks. A wave of anxiety rolls through me. "I, ahh… saw her take everything she had, and she left. She said she had some things to take care of and she couldn't be here to do it. She needed a clear head."

She needs a clear head.

I can't believe this is happening again.

My heart pounds in my ears, drowning out everything else.

I feel panic rising, my thoughts spiraling out of control.

I can't lose her, not again.

The walls seem to close in on me, my vision blurring with panic. I press my hand against my chest, trying to calm the erratic beating. But it's no use. The air feels thick. My lungs burn as I struggle to catch my breath, and the memory slams hard and fast, almost knocking me off my feet.

744 hours and 44640 minutes ago, my life felt like it ended.

I wish it had.

I would have done anything to trade places.

To have been the one to go.

The guilt that hung on my shoulders was slowly sinking me into a hole I had no clue if I was going to make it out of.

One month ago today, my younger brother, Jason, died, and I was the one who was supposed to save him.

Theo was leaving, and he'd got his internship over in Silicon Valley. He really was making something of himself, and I was happy for him. I really was. While I should have been trying to move forward, find something to look forward to, and find a career path for myself, I could barely even get out of bed, let alone fill out college applications or apply for internships.

My parents were worried.

I was shutting everyone out.

I was closed off to the world, including Bea.

She continued to come over without raising suspicion of Theo to help me through my grief. But when you're so deep into the darkness, you can't even see the one shining light of your life when they are standing right in front of you.

Eventually, she started to pull away.

With my blanket tugged up over my head, I heard the gentle knock on my door. "Go away, Mom," I called out.

"It's me," Bea replied, and I slowly sat up in confusion.

She would always sneak in through my window. Why was she coming up through the house?

"Come in," I answered.

She opened my door, immediately taking in the chaos of my room. She frowned and walked over to my window, throwing back the curtains and letting the vicious glare of sunlight in, causing me to groan.

"Alex, you know I love you. And this has been the hardest month your family has ever had to go through, especially you. But, baby, you have got to pull yourself together," she snapped, then walked over to the edge of my bed, taking a seat beside me.

I exhaled, resting my forehead against her shoulder, just needing to be close to her. To smell her. To be wrapped up in her perfection. "I… I miss him, Bea."

She sighed, sliding her arm around me. "I know. We all do. Jason was the most amazing person. It was hard not to get drawn into his spirit. But that's what you're forgetting, Alex. While you're up here drowning, you're forgetting that your mother lost a son. Your father lost a son. His friends lost a loyal companion… you're not the only one grieving here."

I jerked my head back with a furrowed brow. "You think I don't know that, Bea? That I am so self-centered that I don't know my parents are hurting? That you're hurting?"

She choked back the emotion and shrugged. "You've been caught up in your own tailspin, Alex. I haven't been able to talk to you about anything that's happening with me. You have no damn clue what's going on or what I have been having to go through next door. The decisions I've had to make."

Shifting back to face her front on, I glared at her. "Decisions? What decisions? Bea, I know I have been all over the fucking place, but you can talk to me about anything. You know that, right?"

She stood abruptly, tears in her eyes as she started pacing. "I thought I could… before all this. We were good, you and me. Then you shut me out. I didn't know what to do, and I had absolutely no one I could talk to because no one knows about us, Alex!"

Standing to meet her, concern flowed through my body. Unsure what she was talking about, I reached out for her hands. "Bea, I'm here. Now. I'm listening. Please… talk to me."

A lone tear flowed down her cheek, and my heart started racing, knowing something was very, very wrong. She sniffled, then bit her bottom lip. "I… I'm…" she hesitated, so I moved in, looping my arms around her waist for comfort.

"Hey, I'm here. Talk to me, baby," I urged.

She rested her forehead against mine, the closeness somehow easing my nerves before she spoke. "Theo leaves for Silicon Valley tomorrow."

A slow smile crossed my face. "I know. With him gone, we won't have to be as careful about being together."

A soft whimper escaped her lips as she turned from me, pacing the floor. With that, my heart fell through my soul, and I knew that whatever decision she made was not a good one.

"Bea?" I whispered.

With her back still facing me, her arms crossed across her body for the support she obviously needed, she started to tell me everything. "When it came time to send in college applications, my parents made me send in one for San Jose, just in case. That way, I could be close to Theo."

My eyes widened in shock. I had absolutely no idea. I only thought she had applied to colleges closer to home. Not over five hours away!

"I wanted to talk to you, get your opinion on whether I should go to San Jose or stay here… with you. But with the pressure mounting from my parents and Theo to go to San Jose, I couldn't tell them why I wanted to stay because they don't know about us. And with everything the way it has been leading up to Jason's passing, and then it only getting so much worse this last month, and of course, deadlines for acceptances were cutting off, I had to make a choice."

My stomach clenched like the Hulk was gripping my insides and trying to tear them from the inside out. In my heart, I knew what she was saying, but I needed her to tell me.

"So, you're leaving? Is that what you're telling me?" It came out almost like a breathy whisper.

Bea slowly turned around to face me, tears clearly streaming down her face as she stepped toward me. "I still love you, Alex. That hasn't changed. I need some time to clear my head."

Letting out a small laugh, I turned from her to hide my pain-filled face. My heart shattered into a thousand pieces all over the floor. "I know I pushed you away, and I know I have been an ass, but I needed you, Bea. I fucking needed you to just be here. Even if you sat with me while I fucking cried in your arms. But you left me here to sink into this mess I'm in, and now you're really fucking taking off because you think I'm the one who messed up?" Spinning back to face her, my anger seeping through at an uncontrolled rate. Her eyes were wide as she stared at me.

Her body clearly trembled as we stood facing each other. "Y… you wanted me here?"

Throwing my arms up in the air, I couldn't help but yell at her. "Of course I did, Bea. My world is imploding, and the one person who I thought I could count on, the one person who I love the most, wasn't here to help me through it because she couldn't handle my grief. It only makes it so much harder to cope with. I lost Jason, Bea. But in a way, I think I already knew I was losing you too."

Her hand shifted to her mouth to capture her sob. "Oh, Alex, I've read this whole thing entirely wrong."

Slumping my shoulders, I exhaled. "Well… are you still leaving?" I asked.

"I don't have any choice—"

"We always have a choice, Bea… and you've clearly made yours."

"Alex—"

"Just go. Go to San Jose. Be the amazing woman you're supposed to be. You're going to have a great life, Bea." I turn, walking to my bedroom door to usher her out.

"I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you," she whispered, taking small steps toward me.

Inhaling sharply, my eyes met hers. That spark, that fire that ignited between us was still there, but this felt final. Like it would be the last time I looked into her beautiful eyes. "It was good while it lasted, hey, Sparkle?"

She burst into tears, and my heart thrashed in my chest. I reached out, pulling her to me one last time. Holding her felt right as she nestled against my body.

She felt like home.

She smelled like heaven.

I never wanted to let her go.

But she had a whole new life ahead of her. And I didn't want to be the depressed asshole holding her back.

Her tears fell down onto my chest, so I slid my hands to her wet cheeks and lifted her face to meet mine. Weakly smiling, I leaned in, pressing my lips to hers. The kiss wasn't passionate or forceful. It was gentle and loving.

It was goodbye.

And when I pulled back, both of us with tears in our eyes, she slowly nodded. "I'll call you when I get to my dorm in San Jose."

Another little piece of my heart fractured and fell to the floor, and I knew, I just knew, that if I heard her voice on the end of a phone line, it would break me even more.

I couldn't do it.

Once she left, I had to let her go.

To try and get my head into any kind of functioning order.

Because right then, I was a fucking mess, and I needed real, professional help.

"Email me. It'll be better that way," I simply replied.

She grimaced like my words visibly stung her, but the understanding was clear in her eyes.

She knew this was the end of us.

Bea continued to hold me, taking in a deep breath. "I love you, Alex."

Resting my forehead against hers, I closed my eyes. "I won't ever stop loving you, Beatrice. It's an absolute impossibility."

Opening my eyes as she slowly lifted her lips to meet mine, we kissed slowly once more. The adrenaline of the moment made my entire body feel like I was running a marathon on the spot.

She drew back, looked into my eyes, and weakly smiled. "I guess we did okay. Theo never found out." She grinned, letting out a small chuckle as she stepped back from me.

I nodded. "Still have best friend status. He's not gonna kill me yet."

She waggled her brows, heading for the door. "There's still time before he leaves. You never know what might happen," she teased, making it out into the hall.

I stood by my door, gripping the handle hard enough my knuckles turned white with the anxiety of my Bea leaving. The seriousness of the moment was truly hitting me now. "When you get to San Jose, don't look back. You take life by the balls, and you go for it, Bea. Promise me!"

Her bottom lip quivered. "As long as you promise not to waste away in here. You're so talented, Alex. You could do anything you want with your life."

My head fogged over at the thought of doing anything right now. It was too hard to even deal with. Losing Jason, losing Theo, and now losing Bea all within a month, I needed help processing that.

But I wasn't going to lump that on Bea.

She needed to go live her life and be happy.

"You should go. Theo is probably wondering why you came into the house," I stated because I was having a hard time keeping my shit together.

Bea's eyes watered, and she slowly nodded. "I'll talk to you soon."

"Email," I specified with a nod.

She frowned, slowly backing farther down the hall. "Goodbye, Alex Grimes."

My breath caught in my throat, my heart pounding furiously, it was hard to say the words. "Goodbye, Beatrice Underwood."

She hesitated for another few seconds, both of us offering a faint smile before I couldn't handle it anymore. I swung my body around, slamming my door shut to block out the view of her perfect face as my panic attack completely took hold.

I slid down the back of my door, trying to catch my breath, my knees up to my chest. My hands shook, and my heart ravaged my chest so intensely that my head was swirling from the intense thumping. I couldn't capture a thought—there was too much racing going through my mind. My chest felt so heavy it was overwhelming.

She was leaving.

Honestly, she was already gone.

And there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I was never going to see her again, and I didn't know if Jason dying or if Bea leaving me was the worst pain I had ever felt.

And not being able to distinguish between the two made me feel even fucking worse!

"Loki?" Rhyan's voice snaps me from that traumatic memory, her gentle hand on my arm. But even though my mind is pulled from the lingering heartache, my body is still back there.

Thirteen years ago.

In my bedroom, having a panic attack after Bea left me.

My hands start to shake, the familiar cold sweat forming on my brow.

I have to do something.

Say something.

But the words are stuck in my throat.

I can't stand by and watch as she fades from my life again.

The ache in my chest is almost unbearable.

"Where the fuck did she go?" I roar.