5. Chapter Five

Chapter Five

Ella

I had been so mad at Silas at the library the day before, that I hadn't let what he said sink in until I was lying in bed staring at the ceiling last night. There was something different about him, something more mature, but he still had the same troublemaker aura about him—the same but different. I couldn't pin it down, and it freaked me out. Thinking about a guy all night, especially after accepting an invitation to have coffee, only ever leads to one thing…dreaming about said guy. And boy did I dream. Everything good that had happened that summer flooded my sleep, reminding me that he wasn't all bad, that he had helped me through the roughest part of my life by existing in the same space as me.

Now, looking at him from the passenger seat of his truck gives me a slightly different perspective. He offered to drive, and before I could talk myself out of it, I agreed. Now he's quiet, staring out the windshield as he drives, not only because he's focused on his task, but also because he's trying not to focus on me. I can't figure out what is happening between us or how I feel about it, so I try to relax and go with it. Somehow, without even trying, he's convinced me to see how it goes. He doesn't know that, of course, and I'm not telling him, but I am most definitely seeing how this goes.

"So, Beck and Viv? Weird," I say, trying to spark a conversation.

"It was at first, but it makes sense now that it's had time to sink in. It's so dramatic at that house right now though." He still won't look me. His dark hair sticks out everywhere, the easiest way to tell him and his twin apart. Lev keeps his hair neat, while Silas is always too busy getting into trouble to bother with it.

"How so?" I ask.

He regrips the wheel and licks his lips. "Luna broke up with Rafe, which is bothering all of us. We miss her. And Ezra up and kissed Lorelai, and now he won't even talk to her. Then there's Lev showing up with a brand new girlfriend, and Griffin showing up without his and no explanation as to why. It's all different and changing, which is…I'm sorry, I don't mean to monopolize the conversation again."

"It's all right. You have a big family and I asked you about them. It's only natural they take a minute to talk about." I'm not ready to expound on my admission that my father is not doing well, and losing Corinna, who had become a wonderful mother, had poured salt into already festering wounds. "What are you doing on the farm today?"

"I have to repair the rest of a fence. I didn't get it finished yesterday. Kind of underestimated how bad it was until I got started, but it got too dark to finish."

The conversation dies again, so I stare out the window for a while until we pull onto a dirt road. We are just outside of Coldstone Creek now, where the houses are bigger and the land is sprawling. Silas follows the road for a mile or so then turns onto another that leads to a massive house with acres of land surrounding it. Cows fill one field while tractors clear others of tall grass. I have no idea which fence he has to repair, but there sure are a lot of them.

Rather than stopping at the house, Silas drives across one of the fields and up a hill before coming to a gaping hole in the fence. Clearly, this is where his work is. We are essentially in the middle of nowhere, under the sunshine on a cold day, alone. He slides out of the driver's seat and comes around to open my door, then helps me out. I take his hand and hop down, brushing my cheek over his chest by accident. My whole face warms, so I clear my throat and pretend to brush hair from my face as I step away.

"Careful. It's a little muddy." He points over a large puddle that surrounds the truck and then some.

I tiptoe around to a grassy area while he unloads tools from the bed of his truck. He pulls on a pair of leather gloves and grabs a bale of barbed wire fencing and some posts. That work alone must already have him warmed up, because he pulls his hoodie over his head, leaving him in only jeans and a black tee. Once everything is unloaded, he moves it closer to where he's working. I try to ignore the way his muscles ripple when he lifts heavy things, but that's almost impossible. Attraction was never an issue where he was concerned, because even before prom night, I'd always thought he was cute.

Watching him like this also helps me notice something else. He's focused on his task. There is nothing distracting him, nothing pulling him away from his work, and he seems… free.

"So, how on earth do you think we can study while I fix this?" he asks, pulling me from my thoughts.

I grimace. "Truthfully, I hadn't thought it through before suggesting it."

Silas chuckles and shoves some posts closer to the fence. "So, you let me drag you all the way out here to watch me fix a fence, then throw some hay for cows?"

Well, now that he says it out loud, it seems really stupid. On the other hand, it also seems like a perfectly good reason to stare at him because the thought of watching him do a man's work has me giddy. Ugh. I really need to get my head screwed on before I slide back down the torturous, heartbreaking slippery slope that is loving Silas Thomas.

"I'll help. We can talk about your classes and plans, and it'll help me get a game plan for you. What do you need me to do here?"

He stands and observes the ground littered with supplies, then glances back up at me. "Um, it's kind of…not that you're not capable…I mean—"

I laugh, interrupting his rambling while trying not to insult me. "I get it. It's hard work, and I'll be in the way. Can I hand you things?"

He grins, seemingly relieved that I'm not offended. "Sure, but be careful. It's even sharper than it looks."

Silas uses a post hole digger to set up a new post, which is clearly harder work than it seems at first glance, judging by the sheen of sweat on his forehead. I hand him various things he probably doesn't need me to hand to him, but he lets me so I can contribute. Once the post is set, he pulls his gloves back on and rolls out the wire part, somehow managing to contort it so that it slips tight around the post while not slicing him to bits.

"Here, can you help me with this, so I can keep it tighter?" He motions toward the post, then says, "Grab those pliers and twist that wire around the post as tight as you can."

I do exactly as he said, trying not to shift my gaze to stare into his eyes because they are right there . If I turn even a fraction, well, there is no way we won't end up kissing. That's how it always was with us. Moments were plenty, and Silas never missed an opportunity to show me affection. I swallow down my thoughts, wondering if his kisses can still make me dizzy, if the way he holds a woman is the same, or had the way he'd been with me been special, different?

"Are you okay?" he asks, releasing the fencing once I step away.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry, I'm concentrating." I drop the pliers and look away, trying to hide the biting tears in my eyes. I'm already in too deep. There is no way I'll get out of this tutoring arrangement with my heart and mind intact, and I find myself wondering if he feels the same way. Are we even good for each other? Sure, we helped each other a lot back then but are we right for each other now?

Silas goes back to fixing the fence, which takes another hour, while I watch and periodically try to make small talk. He'd been right about tutoring. It's impossible this way, but that doesn't mean it's a total loss. When Silas is committed to something, it keeps his focus. Not once does his work sway or concentration waver, or if it does, he's able to work through it and keep a regular pace going. I never would have discovered this tidbit if I hadn't tagged along.

After a while, another truck drives up with a trailer filled to bursting with hay.

"Hey, Silas!" an elderly man says, hollering out the window. When he leans out the truck window to wave, I recognize him.

"Is that Officer Baker?" I ask. "This is his farm?"

Silas snickers as he takes off his gloves. "Yep, who would have thought, right? Gimme a sec," he says and jogs toward the truck to talk to the very same police officer who had been chasing him down on the night of prom. I don't overhear the conversation, but it ends with them removing the trailer and leaving it in the field before Officer Baker shakes Silas' hand, hops back in his truck, and drives off.

Silas nods toward the trailer when he approaches me again. "Ready to feed some cows?"

I wave my hands, trying to wrap my mind around this one. "Hold on, you're not gonna skip over that whole thing. That man wanted to arrest you on prom night, and now his grandson is your brother's best friend? And you're working for him?"

Silas smirks, that same expression that used to give me indigestion because it meant he was feeling full of himself. "What can I say? It's hard for people to stay mad at me for too long."

Well, that might be the case for most people, but he probably hadn't hurt anyone else the way he hurt me, and that is the root of it. Can I ever get over what he did when he was a stupid teenager, and can I give him a chance to prove he's changed?

Silas hitches the trailer to his truck and opens the passenger door for me. "Come on before the cows get mad. We'll dump these bales, then I'll take you back to the café for your car, okay?"

I oblige and climb back into the passenger seat, ignoring the fact that I spent most of the day with him doing nothing but staring at him. He drives us down the field and across another to reach the cows, then jumps out to open the gate. Silas is content in a way I have never seen before, and it sparks a thought that is too soon to discuss with him. There was no way he'll ever be happy working in an office all day, sitting still, stuck in a suit, crunching numbers he doesn't even like to look at. This, working out in the open air with only God looking over his shoulder. This is Silas Thomas, but I have no idea how to explain that to him, knowing very well how much he compares himself to his brothers.

Back in the truck, he drives through the open gate and parks again, then jogs back to close it. The cows practically stampede toward us, but slow once they get closer. I swallow my heart back down along with the fear that they'll run us right over, and get out, meeting him at the trailer. Silas climbs on the back and hoists a bale over the side, sailing it several feet from the truck.

I watch him unload bales for a while, one after the other, while those muscles get more and more pronounced. When I can't stand it any longer, I hop up on the trailer with him. I bend at the waist and try to lift one, nearly ripping my arms off at the shoulders before toppling back onto my rear end.

"Oh, my gosh, those things are heavy!"

Silas chuckles and lifts the one I tried to move like it weighs little more than a bag of sugar. I glare at him, eliciting another laugh. I dig in again and lift one to my waist, then waddle my way to the edge of the trailer and drop it onto the ground. Meanwhile, Silas tosses them left and right. At this point, I'm in his way, so I leap from the back and watch the cows wandering around.

"Hey, why did you give up?" He stands straight, his shirt covered with little bits of hay. It's in his hair, too, and I have to look away because it's too adorable. "Remember how you don't turn down a challenge?" He raises his eyebrows, taunting me.

"I'm in your way. It'll take me forever to help you do that. What else can I do?"

Silas looks around the field for a moment, then back to me as if gathering his thoughts. His expression, which is usually cocky and a little troublesome, softens the same way it always did when he was considering how to frame his thoughts into words that won't offend or hurt someone. Suddenly, I begin to realize why he hadn't told me he was leaving, and it twists in my stomach, making me sick. Had he left the way he had because of this? Because he couldn't figure out how to tell me?

He tosses his gloves aside and steps down from the truck. "It's just practice, Ella. I'm used to it. Come back up, and I'll show you how to do it with less effort."

"I'll slow you down."

His intensity is so different from the way he'd been when we were younger. Back then it was teenage feelings we didn't understand, and now, we're a man and a woman trying to figure each other out while processing old hurts we are not prepared to process.

"You won't. Come on."

He offers his hand to help me back onto the trailer, and I take it without thinking. I step onto it but rather than release my hand, Silas brushes his free hand over my hair, removing bits of hay. When he's done, he tucks the loose hair behind my ear and pinches my cheek like he used to. One glance at his face and it's clear he doesn't even realize what he did. It's merely natural, falling back into a routine like it hasn't been three years since he last did it.

Silas has changed in some ways, but in that way he hasn't. He's strong enough to toss those hay bales like they weigh nothing, but with me he's so gentle, almost feather soft, and it makes me blush.

His eyes narrow, and it must hit him what he did. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that. I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry."

My lips part, but I'm too lost in his eyes to put my words together, to tell him it's okay. I understand. Some habits are hard to break.

He still has my hand, and I am acutely aware of exactly how many centimeters are between us. They are few, and decreasing by the second. The tip of his nose brushes against mine, and his eyelids go heavy. My breath hitches, waiting to see if my brain will let this happen. Will my fractured heart scream at my mind to stop me, or will it let Silas kiss me and pull me all the way back into whatever we had before?

But he doesn't kiss me. He doesn't succumb to the temptation like we did so many times before. He stands up straighter, lifting his face away from mine. "Uh…it's getting late. Want me to stop for something to eat on the way back?"

I nod, completely wrecked. I can't decide if I'm more disappointed that he didn't kiss me, or disappointed with myself that I still want him to. Shaking my head clear yet again, I wander to the truck and get in, waiting while he tosses the rest of the hay and cuts the ties for the cows. Once he finishes, he tosses the ropes on the trailer before we head to the barn to drop it off. Once he unhitches it and returns to the driver's seat, we leave the farm with zero discussion about the almost kiss or what it means either way.

Eventually, Silas coughs a few times to break the silence. "Burgers okay? I'm so hungry."

"Sounds good. Gotta feed that monster. Does it still growl like a beast?"

As if hearing me, his stomach growls and he laughs.

"You and Lev. Honestly, between the two of you, I was always afraid someone had let a dragon loose in town. I'm not sure how your parents afforded to feed you all."

"Hey, I seem to remember a certain girl who could pack away a half dozen cupcakes without blinking." He glances at me and grins.

And just like that, the tension eases and we're talking again. Of course, it doesn't help me decide if we are good for each other or if we're merely good at filling the silence, but in the moment, I don't care. I want what he has to offer again—a distraction, a change, something that reminds me there is more to life than driving hard toward my goals, worrying about my father, and trying to figure out my place in the world.

Silas is, once again, a breath of fresh air in my stagnant life, and I can only pray he doesn't destroy me again when winter break ends.