4. Chapter Four

Chapter Four

Silas

"Wait, wait, wait. Ella Marshall is your tutor?" Lev blinks a few times, his mouth left open. He glances at his new girlfriend, Emma, who also sits with a blank stare. "Did she try to kill you? How are you still alive right now?"

"It was tense, but no, she did not try to kill me." I fall back on my bed like a teenage boy who can't control his emotions and I whine, "I'm in so much trouble."

"Why trouble? Can't you get another tutor?" Lev asks, being all reasonable as usual.

"Yes, but I don't want another tutor." I lift my head to make eye contact with him, hoping he gets the point. "I find myself wondering if there is some way I can fix this, make it all better, possibly even convince her to give me another chance?"

Lev scowls and shakes his head. "Silas, you moved to Romania, and you didn't even tell her you were leaving. She was devastated, and I know that because I saw the look on her face. I was the one who had to tell her you left town, so I'd really like for you to not do stupid junk like that again."

I'm instantly regretful because I hadn't known that, but it isn't surprising that Lev was the one to tell her. It was probably all Ella could do to keep from smacking Lev since he looks like me, but I'm also sure he'd been gentle about it. Lev might have been as much trouble as me when we were younger, but he's past all of that now. He's the kind of man my father always wanted us all to be, which only makes me more of a failure.

That thought train derails when it fully hits me what he said. He told her I went to Romania? If so, why did it seem like she had no idea?

"Wait, you told her I was in Romania? She seemed like she had no idea." I sit straight, wondering if I'll ever get time to talk to my brother without Emma around. She's sweet, and I really like her for my brother, but it is ten shades of weird talking about this in front of her.

"No, I didn't tell her where you went. It wasn't my business to tell her the rest. I said you'd left town and none of us knew when you'd return, which was true at the time," Lev says.

"Hang on, you left and didn't tell her?" Emma asks. When I nod, she doesn't miss a beat. "And you expect her to forgive and forget that fast? Why, exactly, would you even want her to? If she didn't mean enough for you to tell her the truth back then, why would it matter at all now?"

Well, score ten points for the brutally honest woman in the room.

"Well, excuse me for being an idiot eighteen-year-old guy who had no idea how to deal with the fact that he'd signed up for a very long mission trip, and messed up the plan by falling in love with a girl he only knew for a few months." I blink, unable to control the flow of words as they slide out of my mouth.

Lev's mouth falls open again. "You fell in love with her and you didn't tell me? Furthermore, you kind of had a funny way of showing it."

I'm about to tell my brother to leap out of my window when Emma's frown lifts into a smile that is toothy and bright like a Cheshire cat. She's cute, but it's kind of a creepy smile if I'm honest. And if I'm really honest, I know it well. It's the kind that means someone's got a plan that might go all kinds of upside down, leaving me battered and bruised at the end of it.

"Why are you smiling like that?" I ask.

She shrugs and says, "Do you still feel the same way about her? I mean, did you have any of the same feelings when you saw her today?"

I groan and run my hands over my pants because my palms are sweating worse now than they did when that police officer was chasing me down on prom night. "I don't know. Maybe? When I saw her it seemed like no time had passed at all, but she's different now, too. Older, but the same. Ugh, I'm in trouble, like I said."

"That's not really an answer," Lev says, crossing his arms as he leans back in the chair. I kind of want him to fall out of it, but at the heart of this conversation is a twin brother who cares about me. It's annoying that he's so much better at everything than I am, something Beck used to struggle with too when it came to Ezra. He just hid it better, stole Vivian, and earned superhuman level in the confidence game.

"I actually think you can fix it. Can I make a suggestion?" Emma offers, earning a wary glance from Lev. I look at him, eyebrows raised.

He tosses his hands in the air and sighs. "I don't pretend to know how bad you messed it up, but if fixing it is what you really want, then I'm on board. But, Silas, you have to mean it. You can't toy with this woman and break her heart again. If you do, I'll—"

"Yeah, yeah, you'll kill me." I roll my eyes and try not to scowl at him.

Shouts from downstairs indicate our brothers have returned from their hike. The house is so full of people that I decided on day one of this crazy family winter break event that my parents are insane. Of course, without Luna, Rafe's now ex-girlfriend, things are off anyway, and when you add Beck and Vivian's engagement and Lev's new girlfriend, coupled with the fact that Griffin's long-term girlfriend also did not come with him, the whole vibe of the house is weird.

And now Ella reappears in my life like some kind of nightmare determined to destroy any headway I've made toward becoming a responsible adult. It isn't her fault, of course, but there is some small part of me that worries I'll regress. Not that I've advanced all that much, but at least I'm trying.

Lev sighs and leans forward with his elbows on his knees. "Look, that whole summer meant something to you, and I even kind of understand why you had to leave, but you're twenty-one now and it's time to focus on what matters, okay?"

I groan. "I'm going to tutoring like you asked, aren't I? I'm trying, Lev."

Emma sits quietly, but if her shifty gaze says anything, it's how fast can I get out of this room?

My twin's face softens and he glances at his new girlfriend, the girl he's been crushing on even longer than I've cared about Ella. "Well, what do you suggest? How can we help my brother get the girl and keep his sanity?"

Emma tucks her red hair behind her ears and her whole demeanor changes. The woman is on a mission, and I have to admit, it kind of gives me hope. If a girl like her can face down a guy like her ex and still find a way to fall for my brother through all of that hurt, then maybe Ella can see past the stupid things I did and give me another chance. I realize now, after pondering it for a bit, how much I want that. I really do, because the truth is, I'm still crazy about her. It was hidden for a while, but there's no denying it now. I am irrevocably hooked by Cinderella Marshall.

"You have her number from before, right?" Emma asks.

"Yes, but it might have changed."

"Well, only one way to find out. Text her and see if she can meet you somewhere other than the library for your tutoring session." Her eyes light up like one of my mother's Christmas trees that are still up in every room of the house.

"Uh, why?" I mumble but pull my phone from my pocket to follow her advice anyway.

"Did you two spend much time in a library when you dated for a summer?" she asks, eyebrows raised. From the look on my face, she probably realizes I hardly spent time in the library at all, let alone during the summer. "So, where did you spend time together? A place that might bring up good memories?"

I consider this for a moment. We'd spent a lot of time outdoors, but we did have one little place we liked to go for coffee. In fact, I happened to know the owners quite well. "Yeah, actually. Our parents' place."

"Fine. Text her and see if she'll meet you at Sweet and Salty in the morning." She waits patiently while I stare back at her.

"You mean now? I just saw her a few hours ago." I swallow a few times as a sudden panic washes over me.

Emma rolls her eyes. "Yes, now. Don't be pushy. Put out the offer, and if she says no, leave it at that and stick with the library plan.

I try to seem collected and confident—I don't know why, it's only my brother and his girlfriend here—but my hands shake anyway. Ella is not a stupid person, and she will know right away what I'm trying to do if I invite her to Sweet and Salty. Still, it's a quiet place where we can study, get free food, and talk if she wants to. It's a good idea, but I'm terrified of what it might mean if she says yes. Or worse, no.

"You've got this, Silas. Even if she says no, it doesn't mean it's completely over. It gives us a different starting place, okay?" Emma's voice is sweet and warm, and I totally get why Lev fell for her. She's actually a lot like Ella.

I take a breath and send a message. Short and simple.

Hey, it's Silas. Would you like to study at Sweet and Salty tomorrow morning?

Tapping send is the hardest thing I've done in a while. At least, until I realize I have to wait for her to respond. Staring at the phone in front of them, waiting like a dog for a bone, is so embarrassing. I almost put my phone away before I notice those three little dots moving. She's responding, assuming it's still her number and not some random person about to tell me to go away.

Ella Marshall

Sure. Meet me at 8.

I blink. "She…she said yes."

Emma looks at my phone over my shoulder and smiles. "Perfect. Now, can you manage to not be crazy for a few hours? Be chill and listen to her when she speaks, let her lead?"

I nod. Yes. Yes, I can keep my big, fat mouth shut for a few hours if it will help Ella open up to me, let me back in, and try to prove to her that I will never run off and leave her again. I really am getting in deep fast and I'm pretty sure Ella is nowhere near ready to forgive me. Not after an hour-long confrontation at the library, but I can't help holding out hope.

"Go slow, Silas," Lev warns. "If you bulldoze her with feelings and what you want, it's not only unfair but will probably get you on her top ten most hated list."

Emma chuckles, but nods.

"All right, now, let's get downstairs before there's no food left," I say, ready to get out of the most awkward conversation of my life. Emma and Lev take the hint and leave me alone, so I shoot one more message to Ella to confirm the plan.

Perfect. See you in the morning. Thank you, Ella.

The next morning my alarm doesn't go off, but the ruckus in the house is enough to wake the dead. I have to rush, but I manage to show up at Sweet and Salty only five minutes late. Ella already has coffee and has chosen a corner booth where we can spread out my books and focus. It will be almost impossible to concentrate with her beside me. I nod a hello her way and point to the counter, checking to see if she minds me grabbing some breakfast first. She nods and sips her coffee, so I sneak into the back and find Rose and Aunt Tress already hard at work making cinnamon rolls.

"How's my favorite aunt?" I ask, nudging up beside her.

She smooshes my face and rolls her eyes. "Hot rolls are on the counter and get your own coffee," she teases. Rose plates up two rolls for me with her sweet grandmotherly smile and pats my back on my way out. Even at almost ninety, the woman is quick as a whip and loves to work. I fill a coffee mug and head to the table. When I approach, Ella smiles but it's so hesitant it almost doesn't exist.

"Hey, sorry I'm a little late. My mother insisted we all stay with them for the break this year, so the place is a madhouse. I either forgot to set my alarm or didn't hear it over the noise." I set the plate down and push it towards her.

She grabs one of the rolls and shrugs. "It's okay. I've only been here a few minutes," she says, seeming calmer than she did yesterday. If I'm honest, it's kind of scary.

I pull out a chair because I'm sure she doesn't want me sliding into the booth beside her. Not yet, but I have hope that will change. Slow down, Silas. Chill. Relax. Be normal.

"Don't some of your brothers still live in town?" she asks, taking a bite of the cinnamon roll. "Oh, my gosh. These are as good as I remember."

I chuckle and sip my coffee. "Yep, but Mom wanted to recreate some family Christmas time or something, and now we're all stuck there until after New Year's. I don't know, but if Mom wants it, she gets it." I snicker, because it's true. Our father is a good man, a strong man, but if Mom wants us all home and under one roof for the holidays, it's bound to happen even if Dad has to duct tape our mouths shut and tie us to the furniture.

"That's sweet," Ella says. "But I'm sure it is pretty loud." She smiles and spins her coffee cup. She met most of my family that summer, but some had already gone off to college and hadn't returned home yet.

Thankfully, the tension from yesterday is nowhere to be found, so I try to relax like Emma and Lev suggested. Ella agreed to keep tutoring me, even agreed to meet me at our old hangout, and she seems less put off today. I want to ask what had changed in one night, but remember Emma told me not to put my foot in my mouth. There's no chance we can go reminiscing without me making a fool of myself, so I change course.

"Did I mention Beck and Vivien are engaged?" I ask casually as I pull my books out of my bag.

She almost spits out her coffee. "What? I thought they hated each other." Her hair distracts me when she jumps to avoid spilling her drink. It's pulled into a ponytail, kinda messy, but probably on purpose. She's cute this way, but I like her hair down better. Since her hair laying in soft waves over her shoulders always made me want to touch it, it's probably better that it's up and out of the way, if only so I can control my urge to touch her.

"I guess all that hate was love in disguise," I say, then add, "Lev and Emma Nadine recently started dating, too. Do you remember her?"

"Yeah, I do. We had a few classes together." She pops a bite of roll into her mouth and swallows before adding, "I sort of expected you to show up at my house unannounced like you did before."

I can't pin down whether she's joking or fussing at me. Either way, it gives me an idea. She'll probably kill me, but if Emma thinks offering Ella sweet walks down memory lane will remind her how great we can be together, then I'll replay as many memories as I can. I make a note to set my alarm and make good use of a Saturday morning.

I'm already monopolizing the conversation, so I try to turn it back to her. "How is your family?"

That is a loaded question, but I'm genuinely curious how her sister, father, and stepmother are doing. I won't dare question how she's been dealing with what her mother did years ago, but if she decides to tell me, I will listen. Just listen.

She inhales and squeezes her eyes shut. "Well, unfortunately, a year after you left, Bethany died from breast cancer. Dad has early onset dementia, and Abbie won't stop acting like…" She fades off, clears her throat, and says, "What subject do you want to start with?"

I almost ignore her statement and dive into comforting her, but her quick glare stops me in my tracks. It is not okay, I shouldn't dare, and she hadn't meant to tell me so much about her life right now.

My heart falls, but it's okay. She isn't ready for that much yet, but something deep inside of her reminded her that I used to be someone she confided in. I aim to be that person again, so I try to be patient.

I reach in my bag and pull out the textbook for my most hated subject—tax law. It's kind of poetic, really. If Dad hires me at the firm he owns, it will be for exactly that. I stupidly mentioned over a year ago that it would be nice to work with him and he steered me in the right direction. I hadn't known how boring his job was before signing on the dotted line. Now I'm in too deep, and I'll have to deal with it for the rest of my life.

"Tax law?" she asks, her cute nose scrunched up in complete and total disgust.

"No good?" I ask, worried it might be more than even she can help me with.

"No, it's fine. I guess I'm surprised. You don't seem the type to be interested in finance or anything like that."

"What are you majoring in? Education?" I remember that from our summer talks.

She smiles, then tries to hide it by taking another bite of cinnamon roll. "Yeah. You remembered."

"Of course, I do. You're probably going to be great at it, too. I'm not sure this is for me, but I promised my father I'd work with him, so here we are."

"All right. Let's dig in from the beginning, shall we?" Ella takes my book and reviews the information, then dives into her own way of teaching. I, on the other hand, can not stop staring at her long enough to absorb a single word she says. I try for two hours. I try so hard my brain is numb and my skin is crawling and so itchy, I'm ready to shred it right off if I don't move.

"Silas, you have to pay attention," she scolds for the fourth time.

"I am paying attention," I say, a little grumpy. I'll have to pull it together or risk upsetting her.

"You were staring at the wall, Silas. Did you even hear what I said?" She sounds like my mother, but as much as she loves me, Mom doesn't understand how hard it is for me to focus sometimes. Add Ella to the mix, and I am a mess.

Without thinking, I scowl and close the book. "I'm trying, okay? Do you think I like sitting here trying to focus, and all my mind can do is wander and tell me to get up and move? Do you think it's somehow fun for me to keep reminding myself I can't mess this up, while my skin crawls and itches to move?"

"What do you mean? You're anxious? Is there something wrong?" she asks, sitting straighter and crossing her arms. She's going into defense mode, so I try to control my need to have a random outburst for no reason.

I sigh and sit back in the chair. "I don't know. It feels like my skin is crawling and if I don't move, then I'll explode. Other times, it's like dominoes. One thing makes me think of something else and I lose control after a while, then I'm pondering things that have nothing to do with what I'm trying to focus on."

She taps her pencil. "Silas, have you talked to anyone about this?"

I side-eye her then groan. "Yes, and I know it's ADHD, okay? I'm not interested in taking medication my whole life. It makes me more jittery or tired or foggy, and that's worse than this inability to focus."

"I understand that, but there are other things you can do besides take prescriptions. There are tons of homeopathic treatments that help, plus focus techniques, and other things people with ADHD do to help them with this kind of thing. I didn't know that about you, but now that I do, I can adjust how we work together," she says, brushing my situation off as merely a glitch in my programming that can easily be fixed if I try harder.

"Yeah, I get it. No one likes it when a person is different. It's uncomfortable, and people get sick of me, so I should try to blend in like everyone else." I gather my books, ready to leave for my work at the farm. I've probably already blown whatever chance I might have had with Ella with my attitude problem, but I'm so sick of people not understanding that I don't want to be a nuisance. I just am.

"Silas, I didn't mean it that way at all," she says. "I'm sorry."

I need to apologize. I've already blown it and done the opposite of what Emma told me to do. I groan and scrub my hands down my face. "No, it's not your fault. I'm sorry for being snappy today. I have to go, or I'll be late," I say. "I didn't mean to yell at you. I do appreciate what you're doing, but I don't see how it's gonna work." Between fretting over failing and worrying that I'll never convince her I didn't mean to hurt her, I won't be able to pay attention.

She frowns and puts her hands over mine, stopping me cold.

"Are you going to the farm?" she asks.

I cock my head in confusion, but also because half of my brain wants to analyze what her actions mean while the other half knows good and well I should pay attention to what she says. "Yes. Why?"

"Is there anything I can do to help? You said he needs all the help he can get."

"You want to help do work on a farm? Yesterday, it seemed like the last thing you'd want to do."

She shrugs. "I'm sure there's something I can do. While we work, we can figure out how to help you pass these classes in a way that works for you. We can do this, Silas. I can adapt, and I promise, we can figure it out."

I raise an eyebrow. "We?"

"Yes, we. I do not believe there's anything wrong with you, okay? You hired me, and I'm not someone who likes to admit failure. You used to know that about me." My eyes widen a bit, but before I have a chance to respond, she says, "Come on. Teach me how to cowpoke, or whatever you're doing at that place."