15. Tracy

15

Tracy

January came and went, but Ever didn't move out of our apartment. He said his new place wasn't ready yet, which was surprising, because it had seemed close to being done back in mid-December. I was glad about the delay, because I wasn't ready for anything to change.

In early February, we hit a weird milestone—the anniversary of our fateful hook-up a year before. "I think we should celebrate," Ever told me, as we crossed our apartment building's lobby on our way back from the gym. "Let's go out to dinner tonight."

"Is that really something to celebrate? The day I bit you and ran off?"

"It's the day we met."

"Technically, yes. But isn't the day we met again more significant?"

"We can celebrate that, too," Ever said. "For tonight, there's a new Japanese restaurant that opened near my building, and I've been wanting to check it out. What do you say?"

"Sure, let's go."

"Great! I'll be spending the day in my office, so why don't you come by around five-thirty? That way, I can show you all the new additions to the fitness center before we head to dinner."

"Sounds good."

When we reached the apartment, he turned to me and asked, "What are you doing with your day off?"

"I'm visiting Vee. He's hosting an intervention."

"For who?"

"For himself. Apparently he thinks he needs to get his life back on track."

It turned out to be a bit more involved than that. When I got to the pink Victorian, Embry and Hal were waiting in the living room, tucked into opposite ends of the couch. I asked Vee, "Will the rest of your housemates be joining us?"

"No, they're all at work or whatever. This is just for the four of us."

Hal was in the process of collecting his long, dark hair into a ponytail. He froze with his hands above his head and shot Vee a suspicious look. "Why us four?"

"Because we're the single ladies of our group." Vee started to sing the instrumental part of that Beyonce song, while doing a little dance.

"I thought this was an intervention for you," Embry said. He was wrapped in a fuzzy blanket and wearing a pink hoodie with teddy bear ears.

"It is." Vee took a seat between his housemates, and I got comfortable on one of the club chairs. "After we fix my shit, we're going to fix each of yours."

Hal crossed his arms over his chest. "I don't need fixing. I'm doing just fine, thank you very much."

"In some ways, you are," Vee said. "You're kicking ass in design school, and you're going to be super successful one day. But you haven't gone on a single date since you caught your last boyfriend cheating on you, and it's been, like, two years."

Hal frowned at his housemate. "I'm too busy to date. I'm working three jobs to pay my tuition, and all I care about right now is graduating and starting my career."

Vee nodded. "I know you're busy, but it seems like you've been using it as an excuse. The longer you stay closed off, the harder it's going to be for you to get back out there. Even now, the perfect guy could come along, and I doubt you'd even give him a chance."

Hal's frown deepened. "What if I'm happy being single?"

Vee's expression turned sympathetic. "You're not, though. You admit that every time you've had a couple of drinks, so we need to figure out how to ease you back into the dating world. That's what I need to figure out for myself, too."

Embry asked, "Why do I need an intervention? I'm out there all the time, trying to meet people."

"We need to help you focus and find a direction," Vee told him. "You've changed jobs six times in as many months, and your approach to dating is basically to go to a club and hit on every guy until someone shows interest in you. That's just not working."

While Embry mulled that over, I asked Vee, "What do you think I need help with? I'm not looking to meet anyone, so?—"

My friend sighed. Just then, his little blue parakeet flew into the room. Clementine landed on a potted Ficus tree, but then he spotted me and flew directly at my face. The bird changed course at the last moment and landed on my shoulder as Vee said, "You need the biggest intervention of all, Tracy. You've been in a long- term, committed relationship for over two months, but you're pretending it's just a casual fling."

While I tried to process that, Embry finally came back with, "It's not like I want to change jobs every few weeks. I tend to be clumsy, so I get fired a lot. It's cost me some relationships, too. Most guys don't want to be with a walking disaster."

I asked Vee, "Do you have actual solutions for any of this?"

There was a tray with a pitcher, glasses, and some veggies on the coffee table. Vee pulled it closer to him and began to fill the glasses as he said, "This is my solution—to start talking and brainstorming ideas. I made us some kick-ass Bloody Marys, and I've introduced the issues. Now I want to hear from each of you. What do you think we should be doing to get our lives on track?"

"My life is on track," Hal insisted.

"If you can honestly tell me you're not lonely, and that the occasional random hookup is enough, then we can skip you." Vee dropped a celery stick into the cocktail and held it out to his housemate. Hal started to say something, but then he sighed and took the glass.

Vee poured and garnished another cocktail. "I think we should fix Tracy first, because he's the easiest. He already has a man. He just doesn't know it."

"Ever and I had an agreement," I muttered. "We said we were going to be friends with benefits until he moved into his new apartment."

"You two are so much more than that." Vee leaned across the coffee table and handed me the drink. "It's blatantly obvious to all of us."

Hal and Embry nodded, and I explained, "When this started, both of us made it clear we weren't looking for a relationship."

"Well, one found you anyway," Vee told me, as he fixed another drink and handed it to Embry. "You and Ever are a couple. You share a life. Even if you're afraid of calling it a relationship, that's what it is."

Hal asked me, "Have you told Ever how you feel about him? Because you're clearly smitten."

"No."

"Why not?"

I floundered for the right words. "What if he doesn't feel the same way? Or… what if he does?"

Vee looked confused. "You said that like both options are bad."

"They're both complicated," I said. "If he doesn't want me the way I want him, then this thing between us is going to end as soon as I admit I have feelings for him." I shifted my gaze to my fidgeting hands and continued, more quietly, "But if he told me he wanted a relationship, I wouldn't know what to do. I don't deserve Ever."

Vee asked, "Why would you say that?"

I glanced at my friend and looked away again. "You know what happened with Sawyer, the way I treated him."

"That was over a decade ago, Tracy!"

"It doesn't matter. I was a jerk, and I hurt someone I cared about."

"Yeah, you were, and yeah, you did." I appreciated the fact that Vee didn't sugar coat it. "But you're not that person anymore. Not by a long shot. You apologized and Sawyer's long since forgiven you, so why can't you forgive yourself?"

"Because he doesn't believe he deserves forgiveness," Hal said softly. When I glanced at him, he told me, "But you're wrong, Tracy. You do deserve forgiveness, and you deserve to be loved."

I whispered, "How do you know?"

"Because it's what we all deserve," Hal said, "every last one of us, even if we made mistakes in our past. You think I haven't screwed up? I was a fucking disaster in my early twenties. I treated men like shit, because I was terrified of letting anyone get close to me. I'm not proud of that, but I've changed. I've learned and grown. You have, too. I know that for a fact, because I can see how upset you are about all of this."

"Even if I've changed, I'm still afraid of hurting Ever."

"I know you are. And you're afraid of being hurt, too. Right?" I nodded, and Hal said, "Every new relationship is scary, and every single one comes with the risk of getting hurt. But I'll bet if you ask him, he'll tell you he's willing to take that risk. The question is, are you?"

"You need to talk to him. Tell him how you feel," Embry said.

He was right about that. A conversation was long overdue. "I will. I'll talk to him tonight, over dinner. We're going out to eat, because it's our anniversary. Sort of."

Embry looked confused. "Is it?" Then it dawned on him, and he exclaimed, "Oh! The anniversary of the day you two hooked up, and—" He plucked the celery from his Bloody Mary and took a big, crunchy bite out of it. Hal, Vee, and I flinched so hard that the parakeet flew off my shoulder and returned to the Ficus tree.

"It's also the anniversary of the day we met," I pointed out, the same way Ever had pointed it out to me. "That's the part we're celebrating."

"It sounds like the perfect opportunity for the two of you to have a nice, long, heart-to-heart conversation." Vee poured himself a drink and raised his glass. "Here's to finding the right words and saying what you need to say."

I held up my glass and murmured, "I'll drink to that."

Over the next couple of hours and two more rounds of Bloody Marys, my friends signed up for a dating website, and we worked on their profiles. All of them were skeptical it would actually produce results, but it was a way of supporting each other and a step toward getting back out there.

Then we spent some time helping Embry come up with job ideas and updating his resume. His dream job was to be a cake decorator, but he'd been fired from pretty much every bakery in town, so that was problematic.

After we finished up, I decided to walk home instead of taking the bus. I had a lot to think about, and I barely noticed my surroundings as I made my way across town.

I'd been holding back with Ever, both physically and emotionally. A lot of that came down to fear—of hurting him, of getting hurt. But that was no way to live my life. If I told Ever how I felt about him and he didn't feel the same way, so be it. At least I'd know I tried.

There was something else, too. I wanted him to fuck me. Scratch that—I needed it. I'd spent my whole life denying that part of myself, thinking it would make me feel too vulnerable. I had no idea where I'd gotten that idea, but it was time to let it go.

Actually, that was true for a lot of things. The only way Ever could be my future was by letting go of the past.

I had no idea if he actually wanted a future with me, but that wasn't something I could control. All I could do was talk to him, openly and honestly, and let him know how I felt.

Now that I'd made up my mind, a sense of calm settled on me. I looked around and discovered I'd stopped right across the street from a drug store. That was perfect, because I needed to pick up some supplies. My plan for tonight was to offer Ever all of me, in every sense of the word.

There was no reason to hold back. I really did trust him, and it was okay to feel vulnerable. That didn't make me weak. It just made me human.

I started to get embarrassed at the idea of bringing a douching kit up to the register and basically announcing exactly what I had planned for tonight, but I quickly pushed that aside. I couldn't worry about what anyone thought of me, including some smirky cashier. I gathered my confidence and went to do some shopping.

I spent all afternoon getting ready for my dinner date. After stopping off at the drug store, I found a barber shop and got a haircut. Then I went home and tried to figure out what to wear. I wasn't sure what I should be shooting for though, so I texted Ever and asked how fancy this restaurant was.

He replied: It's pretty casual. I'm wearing a polo shirt and jeans. Feel free to help yourself to anything of mine if you need something to wear.

I went to Ever's bedroom, picked up the sweatshirt he wore most evenings, and buried my face in it. His clean scent was comforting and familiar.

I returned the sweatshirt to his bed and found his V-neck, royal blue sweater, which I took back to my room with me. It smelled faintly of his cologne, which was the next best thing to his natural scent.

I started to put it on my bed, but then Phil and I exchanged looks. He was curled up on my pillow, but I just knew he'd move to the sweater the moment my back was turned. I said, "I don't think so," and hung the sweater over the back of a chair before continuing to the bathroom.

The douche was… an experience. Next up was a long shower, followed by my complete self-care routine. The sum total of that included a comb, a razor, my toothbrush, and some deodorant. Wow, I really sucked at primping.

I wrapped a towel around my hips, found my phone, and texted Ever again with: Would you mind if I borrowed one of your haircare products?

He replied right away: What's mine is yours. Help yourself to anything you want. I sent back a thank you and once again headed to the other end of the apartment.

In the bathroom off the main suite, I was reminded how very different Ever and I were. He had an entire collection of expensive-looking tubes and bottles, including multiple face creams, a different moisturizer for every body part, and several things I couldn't even identify.

After I used some hair gel, I took a picture of something that looked like a pink razor, except that there was a stone roller where the blade should be. I sent it to him with a question mark, and a few seconds later, my phone rang. When I answered the video call, Ever smirked at me and said, "You've never been in my bathroom before, have you?"

"I've never had any reason to. What the hell is that pink thing?"

"Oh, hey—you got your hair cut! It looks nice. I'm glad you went with a fade, like last time. And that thing is a skin care tool. You put it in the fridge to chill it, and then you run it over your face to increase circulation and decrease puffiness." I chuckled at that, and he said, "I realize your entire grooming routine consists of a bar of soap, because I've been in your bathroom. But some of us need more help than that."

"You don't need this much help. You probably don't even use most of this stuff."

"Sure I do. I pared it down to my essentials before I moved."

I picked up a tiny, dark brown bottle and read the label. "So, every day, you apply something called supercharged antiaging under eye emollient?"

"Of course."

I grinned and returned the bottle to his collection. "You think you know a person."

"Just for that, I'm going to subject you to my entire self-care routine this weekend—face masks, mani-pedis, the works. When I'm done, I'll bet you feel amazing."

"I'll certainly feel moist. You have nine different moisturizers here. Do you really need a different cream for your neck and your face?"

"Yes, because the skin is totally different."

"Is it, though?"

He chuckled and said, "Since you clearly have some time on your hands, you should come here."

"This early? It's barely four, and you said you had a lot of work to do."

"You can help me."

"Love to. I'll see you soon."

After we ended the call, I found myself smiling as I returned to my room. When Ever first moved in, I'd been acutely aware of how very different we were. This glimpse at his grooming routine was a reminder of that. But instead of thinking we couldn't possibly make sense together, I found our differences interesting and entertaining. I liked to think we balanced each other, somehow.

Once I was dressed, I slung a messenger bag over my shoulder, went into the bathroom, and took a look in the mirror. I'd gone with my best pair of jeans and a white T-shirt, with Ever's beautiful, fine-gauge sweater layered over it. I'd prepped and primped and done all I could. I was ready for tonight.

I collected several of my drugstore purchases from the bathroom counter and loaded them into the bag. This included three types of lube, tissues, wet wipes, and two different brands of condoms. Now that I'd finally made up my mind to take this step with Ever, I didn't want some minor detail to derail my plans.

Okay, so the rubbers probably weren't necessary. Ever and I both got tested regularly, and we'd shared our results with each other. I knew we were both negative across the board, and I also knew I had no intention of sleeping with anyone but him. But I included them anyway, in case using them made him more comfortable.

Once the bag was packed, I took a deep breath and met my gaze in the mirror. I was definitely nervous. But it was time to let go of fear and surrender.

To my deepest desires.

To the possibility of a relationship.

To love.

I wasn't sure how he'd react, but one thing was certain. Everything was going to change after tonight.