31

"The first time was the first day of school. I didn't have any friends, other than Cameron. We were roommates last year, too. Before school started, he told me his girlfriend, Bryce, was going to be coming over a lot on the weekends. He didn't come out and say it, but I felt like I should find somewhere else to stay on the nights when she was over. I was planning on just going through the motions to get through that day, and then I just wouldn't be a problem for him anymore."

I knew that detached feeling. Of just being done with everything. It hadn't surfaced in quite a while, but I knew the sensation well.

"And then you sat next to me in class. You were the first person to actively pursue any type of friendship with me since Cameron, and I wasn't sure how to react. I'm sorry." He glanced over at me as I sat against the corner of the wall.

"Don't be," I said. "Trauma does different things to different people. You can't always control your reaction."

"Do you remember what you said to me as we were leaving class that day?"

I shook my head. I was so distracted with worrying about Chloe that day that I didn't remember much else.

"When we got to the door, you smiled at me and said, ‘See you Thursday' like I hadn't been rude to you the entire time we were in class together. You actually seemed eager to see me again. That little bit of encouragement was all I needed to change my mind."

"Do you remember Coffee Day?"

I was lying on the floor, and he was laying on the futon. I had my feet propped up against the wall, stretching my back.

It was funny to learn that he called it Coffee Day too. I thought about that day a lot and had considered it a major turning point in our relationship.

"Of course I do. I thought you were going to kill me when you saw that strawberry drink you told me you didn't want," I laughed. I sat up and looked at him. "Wait, is this day two?"

"You don't miss much, darling." He smiled at me. I kneeled on the ground, resting my head on my arms on the bed.

"Remember when you thought you saw your mom on campus and it freaked you out?"

I nodded. I remembered.

"Do you remember what you did when we were splitting ways to go to our other classes?"

"I invited you to meet me at The Roasted Bean later." I moved to sit on the futon next to him.

"Before that."

I shook my head.

"You grabbed my hand to get my attention."

I looked at him, not understanding the significance.

"Other than Siobhan, that was the first time that anyone had made intentional physical contact with me in nearly two years. I don't mean like accidentally touching someone's hand when they give you change at the store, I mean, like, actually meaning to touch someone."

I was unsure how to react. It felt like he was putting too much pressure on me and relying on me for everything.

"The Saturday before Coffee Day, I got into a huge fight with Cameron and my grandmother. I knew that I was supposed to meet you for a study session, but I couldn't find the energy to care. I was going to turn my phone off when I started getting all of those messages from you. When you sent me the weird pink one, I laughed at how ridiculous it was. I realized something then. That if I had something to laugh about, maybe I had something to live for."

"Tyler, you need to talk to somebody about this. And not just me. Like a professional."

"I know. I've talked to Siobhan about it, but neither of us thinks that our grandmother would be willing to pay for anything. She doesn't want me around, Ali."

"We'll go look Monday and see what resources they have here. Or my dad might know."

He nodded. "I know I'm putting a lot of pressure on you with this, but I don't know what else to do." Tears filled his eyes again. "I can't keep feeling like this."

I reached out and squeezed his hand, not letting go. "I will always be here for you. I'm sure Siobhan will always be here for you, too. But we can't do it all."