Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR

It had taken almost an hour into Juno's nap for Piper to stop absolutely reeling from the way Juno had fallen apart in his arms. When he'd shattered and started sobbing in Piper's arms, that had nearly broken him. The only reason he didn't panic was because he'd known Juno needed to let go of everything he'd been bottling up that day.

Juno had shouldered a ton of information without any real answers in such a short period of time, and he hadn't given himself a chance to be angry, or sad, or properly scared.

It was all of those things that had Piper hesitant about wanting to fuck Juno in the first place. He wanted him more than he could say, but he had a feeling that the climax would make things complicated. And he'd been right. Juno had tried to apologize, but Piper hadn't let him. He held him instead, kissed him, told him to let go. Then he waited until Juno was breathing steadily to slip out of the room so he could collect his thoughts.

Piper wanted this—whatever it was. He could be patient for Juno. He could be strong for him. Steady. So long as Juno wanted him back. The thought that this could be a onetime thing had his stomach twisting in knots, but he wasn't going to push. Not now.

Then Juno had woken up, and he seemed much more like himself. He groped Piper's ass, he laughed so hard there were tears in his eyes, and then he melted into Piper's kisses. It settled him like nothing could.

Once they curled up on the couch with food, they ate in relative silence with a baking show that Juno had put on. It was domestic in ways Piper had never known before. Juno left his feet in Piper's lap and grinned at him every time Piper's fingers closed around the arch of his foot and squeezed. It was quiet, and it was lovely.

He never wanted it to end.

After a while, though, he could feel Juno getting restless. He changed positions several times, then eventually hopped up and grabbed one of Piper's photo books before stretching out and pillowing his head on Piper's lap. "What is this?"

"One of my old albums," Piper said. He traced his finger over the cover before opening it. "I used to take photos a lot. We all had cameras on the ISS. I was afraid I'd forget what it was like up there," he admitted.

Juno hummed softly as he moved his hands so Piper could turn to the first page. The first shot was Phoenix with a tiny smile in a warehouse. Above him was a massive side of a rocket that eventually was going to launch Piper into space. Phoenix hadn't been more than seven in that shot. Still living with their parents.

"My brother," Piper said.

"He looks like you."

Piper sighed. "Yeah, he does. A few weeks after this, he had a meltdown because someone at school told him about the Challenger , and he thought I was going to blow up."

"What the fuck?" Juno asked.

Piper rubbed at his eyes tiredly. "He got bullied a lot. It was easy to upset him, and kids used to make a game out of it."

Juno sat up partway and twisted to look at Piper. "Did you beat those assholes up?"

Piper chuckled and brushed his thumb over Juno's lower lip. "I was a lot older. I would have gone to jail, and that wouldn't have done him any good."

Juno grunted and settled back down in Piper's lap. "Might've been worth it. I got suspended a lot for hitting kids who were mean."

Piper had no problems picturing a tiny, fiery Juno throwing hands at dickheads who thought being cruel was funny. He still had that fire now, and it was one of the things Piper liked most about him. "I wish you two had known each other. I think you would have been amazing friends."

Juno smiled, looking a little like maybe he didn't believe Piper, but he didn't say anything. Instead, he flipped through more pages of the book—most of them Polaroids he'd shot of the inside of the ISS and a few long-range film he'd done of Earth, the moon, and stars.

Juno traced them with the tip of his finger, laughing at a few shots that Piper had taken of himself and his colleagues. "You looked like you were having fun."

"I was. It was hard too," Piper admitted. "I felt like shit more days than I felt well. It messes with your whole system, and the moment you get used to it, you're going back home. Then you're stuck readjusting to Earth's gravity, which is a whole other mess of issues. And it got harder and harder to recover every time I went up."

Juno glanced up at him, reaching a hand up to touch his cheek. "Was it your heart that stopped you from doing it again?"

"Amongst other things," Piper admitted. "I think mostly I was just tired. I wanted something else in life. I just didn't know what yet. But I was luckier than a lot of people. I got to fulfill part of a dream that most people never do."

Juno's eyes went wide and bright. "Did you ever go to the moon?"

Piper laughed. "No, sugar. There were no moon missions while I was active."

"But we've definitely been to the moon, right? Like, as a collective people."

Piper raised a brow at him. "There's no conspiracy. The shadows aren't off."

Juno giggled and flipped a few more pages. "Would you go back one more time if you had the chance? Like…say they had a moon mission and called you to go. Bucket-list shit, you know?"

It was a difficult question. The easy answer was yes because it was something he'd always wanted, but the harder, more truthful answer was no. He was getting old. He was tired. He liked having gravity pinning him to Earth. He wished he could have done more—gone farther—but he was satisfied with his life.

Now, he wanted new adventures. Careful, tender ones with kisses like the ones Juno had given him.

"Sorry," Juno said, "is that question off-limits?"

"It's not. I loved what I did. I went into astrophysics when I first started school, but I always wanted to go to space. So when I had the chance, I took it, and I have no regrets about that—even if it put a strain on my body I wasn't prepared for. It changed my trajectory in life, I think. God only knows where I'd be right now if I'd gone into academics or research before taking the opportunity to go up. But…" He trailed off with a sigh.

"But?" Juno pressed.

Piper looked down at him and traced his eyebrow with a careful touch. "I think if I was given the choice between going up and taking the risk or staying here with the people I care about"— you , he added silently, afraid to say it aloud because he didn't want to scare him off—"I'd keep my feet firmly on Earth's soil."

Juno smiled softly like he knew what Piper had wanted to say, and he closed his eyes. He shut the book, then reached up and put his hand back on Piper's face, stroking his rough stubble with the edge of his thumb. "What does your brother do?"

"He used to be a tour guide at the space center where I worked, but since they moved, he's exploring his interests and figuring out what he wants to do long-term. His boyfriend is a veterinarian and runs his own practice, so he offered to support Nix while he's testing things out."

"He sounds like a good guy. The boyfriend," Juno clarified.

Piper's chest was warm with affection. "Maddox. And he is. He's perfect for my brother, which helps me sleep easier. My brother and I were butting heads by the time he met Mads. He thinks I'm too overprotective."

"Is he right?" Juno asked.

Piper snorted. "Yeah, he is. It's something I was working on before he left. I always knew he was a fully capable adult who could take care of himself, but it was hard not to look at him as this chubby-faced toddler who could only sleep if I wrapped him tightly in a blanket burrito and hummed ‘The Imperial March' until my voice went hoarse."

Juno stared at him for a long moment, then let out a small puff of air. "You really love him."

"He's my brother," Piper said, because there were no other words to explain it. He knew that not all siblings felt like that, but he'd been in the position to take care of Phoenix in ways that most older brothers hadn't needed to. A lot of people like him got bitter. They resented being parentified.

Piper just embraced it. And now, he was letting go. His coworker called it empty nest syndrome, and he knew that was probably right. But it really was getting easier by the day. And having Juno in his lap like this almost let him forget how profoundly alone he felt when he was sitting in his townhouse without another person with him.

Juno smiled softly, his eyes fluttering shut. "I hope I can meet him one day."

Piper hoped that too, but he didn't say it. He'd never introduce anyone to Phoenix who wasn't going to be around for longer. He just couldn't cross that line, and he had no idea what any of this meant to Juno. "And your family…"

"I don't have any," Juno said swiftly. "After I went into foster care, no one ever claimed me." He rolled onto his side, and Piper could see his lashes fluttering open. "My parents were junkies, my grandma died when I was two. I have two foster brothers who I'm still close to, though."

"Do they know about this?" Piper touched the space between Juno's eyes.

Juno swallowed heavily, then shook his head. "No. The last time I saw them, Oliver was getting married, and Miles was dealing with the end of a really shitty relationship. My symptoms had just started, and I hadn't been to the doctor yet. I was still hoping it would clear up on its own, and I didn't want to dump all that on them."

"Will you call them soon?"

Juno looked torn. "I want to, but I feel like I need to deal with how I feel first. Both of them will hit pause on their own lives and try to fix the problem which is not going to help. I love them, but trust me when I say I understand siblings being too overprotective."

Piper wanted to say that Juno deserved that kind of love and care, but he also understood why he'd kept it to himself. Piper would have done the same thing. He'd kept his heart a secret from Phoenix until he'd collapsed.

The only problem was Phoenix still hadn't quite forgiven him for that, and he didn't want Juno to suffer the same thing.

"You should tell them before they find out from someone else."

Juno laughed quietly. "I don't know anyone else, so unless you want to Facebook stalk them, they're never going to figure it out." He paused, then said, "The truth is, I don't know how to tell them. How do you break the news to someone that you're losing your sight?"

Piper had no advice for that. Telling someone you had a heart condition was different than telling someone you were going blind. People expected his body to be falling apart as he approached fifty.

Blindness at Juno's age was a whole different thing.

Hell, it had shaken Piper to his core and he'd only just met Juno. He could only imagine how his brothers would feel.

"I know I'm being silly. One of my brothers, Miles, he's deaf. He wears implants, and he doesn't sign, but he'd get it, you know? But every time I think of their faces and all that pity in their eyes, I just…" He curled into himself, and Piper rubbed a hand up and down his spine until his muscles unclenched. "It makes me feel like I want to scream. Or cry. Or…I don't know, throw up all over my shoes. Maybe if I had it all figured out and I was well adjusted, it would be different. Then I could tell them, yeah, I'm going blind, but it's no big deal. I already read braille, and I've totally mastered a cane. But I'm just out here floating in a sea of denial, so how can I make them feel better when I'm still drowning?"

Piper said nothing. There were no words to soothe his pain and fear, so instead, he just dragged his fingers in absent patterns along his back and down his arms until his breathing evened out.

Just when Piper thought he was asleep again, Juno took a deep breath. "I keep thinking I should make a bucket list."

"Like…for when you die?"

"For when, you know, it happens. I don't want to wait around to see if my right eye is going to go. My left eye lost sight so fast. I went from a hazy spot in the center to not being able to see jack shit in the span of two weeks. And it's still getting worse." Juno rubbed a hand down his face. "I think the thing that scares me most is not jumping at the chance to do something while I can and then regretting it for the rest of my life."

Piper understood that too. "How long do you have?"

"Anywhere from a few weeks to a few months," Juno said. "There's no predicting when it'll happen. Or if it'll happen."

Piper was getting an idea. He was getting many, many ideas. His chest sparked with a sort of bright anticipation he hadn't felt in years. He licked his lips and chose his words carefully. "What would you choose if you could go somewhere? Realistically. Don't say the moon."

Juno laughed. "Fine. What about Jupiter."

"Sugar," Piper warned.

Juno threw up his hands. "Not to Jupiter. I mean, seeing it through one of those powerful telescopes. Where you can see the moons and shit? There used to be a planetarium near where I went to school, and during the summer, they had nights where you could go see the planets. I never had the money for it, but it was always something I wanted to do."

"Hmm. What about Saturn and her rings too?" Piper offered. "They're both out during summer nights."

Juno sat up, almost clocking him in the face with the side of his head. "Hold up. You know people, don't you?"

"I know people," Piper confirmed.

Juno swallowed heavily. "You're getting ideas, aren't you."

A small part of Piper wanted to deny it for the moment, but he couldn't. He realized he'd do just about anything to give this to Juno, and so far, what he wanted wasn't hard. He reached out and squeezed the side of Juno's neck. "What else, sugar? What else would you see?"

Juno began to wring his hands—a sweet, absent little gesture of excitement, and Piper fought the urge to bring those knuckles to his lips and kiss them. "If cost wasn't a problem, I'd pick the Northern Lights. But that shit's all the way in, like, Iceland and Finland. I don't have the budget, and I'm pretty sure I don't I have the time."

Piper bit his lower lip. He knew someone who posted photos of them all the time. Somewhere they could drive to. "What about Michigan? You can see them in the upper peninsula sometimes."

Juno's eyes went wide and watery. "I…I can't. I can't drive there. I can't take the risk driving a car if it all goes to shit in the next week."

"I can drive," Piper said without hesitation. "And I have a friend who works at a small private observatory in Marquette with a really nice telescope."

Juno looked like he wanted to cry. "You're serious, aren't you? You can make this happen."

Piper nodded and met his gaze. "I can probably make this happen. But I am very serious, yes."

"Would it be weird for me to kiss you right now?"

Piper couldn't help a small smile. "I won't say no, but please know I'd do this even without the kissing."

Juno either didn't hear those last words or he didn't care because he crawled into Piper's lap. His legs were too long for the couch, and the position was awkward, but he didn't miss a beat as he cradled Piper's face and pressed their lips together. It was soft and careful at first, then a little more desperate.

Juno was still young, his libido raging, and he was hard as he rocked against Piper's limp dick. Piper hated his body for it. He'd only managed to get half-hard when he'd been sucking Juno off, though it was the most erotic he'd felt in a long damn time. But his dick hadn't worked in two years, and he'd stopped trying.

But this was new. It was different. Having his arms around Juno, his fit, lithe body rolling against his own made him feel wanted. Needed. Desired. He shuddered and dipped his tongue into Juno's mouth, who groaned and rocked forward against him.

"You're not hard," Juno said, pulling away with a small gasp.

Piper nodded. "I know. Like I said before, it's not you."

"Are you sure?"

Piper met his gaze, holding it tightly. His left eye wandered a little, but he didn't draw attention to that. "I promise. I've been struggling over the last few years."

"Space ruined your dick?" Juno asked.

Piper burst into laughter and held him tight. "It wasn't space, and we can worry about it later. Making you feel good makes me feel good. Can that be enough for you right now?"

"I don't want it to be like I'm using you," Juno said very softly.

Piper eased him back and curled one hand around his jaw. "That's not what this is. That's not what this will ever be. You can't use me for things that I'm more than willing to give. It's a different kind of pleasure for me, and I like it just as much."

"Okay." Juno kissed him again, but the heat had fizzled. They touched tongues a few times, and then Juno broke apart with a series of small pecks over Piper's neck. He nestled in close, arms wrapped around his torso, and he just breathed.

"You okay?"

"I am. I just…" Juno pulled back and looked up at him. "You're actually serious about going to see those things with me."

"I am," Piper repeated. "And not just those things. Anything we can reasonably add to the list. If you're going to close down your shop, then we have as much time as your eyes will allow. So let's do it. Let's hit the road."

Juno's chin trembled. "How, though? Your job?—"

"It's a post-retirement hobby. I don't need to work. If they won't give me time off, I'll put in my notice."

"Fuck. That must be nice." Juno's tone was playful but a little bitter, and Piper didn't blame him for it.

He touched Juno's chin. "You and I are going to talk about the future of your bakery soon. For now, I don't want you to worry. Tonight, let's forget just like you wanted. Tomorrow, we can plan. And after that…"

"Let's pin it and figure it out later?" Juno asked. Now, his tone was pleading, and Piper was more than happy to agree because he still didn't know what kind of partner he was capable of being. He didn't know what he could give Juno long-term.

All he knew was that he needed this right now.

"Kiss me," Piper said again. "Then let me take you to bed."

Juno pressed their lips together one last time before pulling back. "Yes. Please, yes."