Chapter 9

CHAPTER NINE

Piper knew getting Juno to agree to everything would be difficult, but he was confident and persistent, and in the end, he won. He knew Juno wasn't adding everything he'd wanted to see to the list, but it was a good start.

And if things worked out in Juno's favor and things didn't go downhill quickly, maybe there'd be time for other things.

Piper put in his notice at the mall job, and no one seemed to care when he stopped showing up for his shift right away. He spent his time helping Juno pack up everything in the bakery—selling what he couldn't fit in his storage unit and giving away the rest.

Piper convinced him to keep some of his more expensive equipment, and he cleared out the third bedroom at the town house to fit it all. "It's not like I'm using this space," he said when Juno put up a small fight. It wasn't much anyway. It was a large stand mixer, a couple of folding tables, baking racks and trays, and six boxes full of decorating supplies.

They barely took up a corner of the space, and it let Piper imagine what the room would look like with Juno's bed in there. And his dresser.

Or maybe a sitting area because if Juno was with him, Piper wouldn't want to let him leave the bed.

But he wasn't going to let himself think about that now. He needed to focus on the road ahead. He had several hotels booked already and tickets to a few things planned. He'd purchased some hiking equipment since he hadn't done that in a while, and he had an appointment scheduled with his cardiologist because he wanted to make sure he could be there for Juno without reservation.

That was the only thing making him sweat. If he got the news that travel was off the table, he wasn't sure how he was going to break it to the man he was falling for. He knew Juno wouldn't blame him for it, but he also knew it would crush him.

"Are you leaving?" Juno asked when Piper walked into the living room, keys in hand.

Piper cleared his throat. "Quick appointment. I'll be back in two hours at the most. Can I bring you anything?"

Juno was lying on his stomach, watching TV with his laptop on the floor beside the hand that was dangling off the cushion. He rolled his head up and smiled. "No. But a kiss might be nice."

They hadn't fucked since before their argument, but Piper had held him every night he was there—which was becoming more and more frequent. He knew Juno was packing his apartment and moving his things into storage, and he didn't think there was much left at the studio.

If this was how it happened, a sort of slow burn where their lives merged and never separated again, he'd take it.

He didn't need titles or words or promises.

He'd be happy with just this.

Dropping to a knee, he brushed the backs of his knuckles over Juno's cheek, then kissed him softly. "Text me if you think of anything."

Juno hummed. "I'm going to be a lazy fuck and not move from here until it's time for dinner."

Piper smiled and stood up. "See you when I get back." He headed out the door, and his phone alarm buzzed, telling him it was time to go. His heart kicked up a few notches, and he tried to breathe steadily, to keep himself calm. The last thing he needed was a tachycardia spell in the office.

The drive wasn't long, which was both bad and good. He didn't have time to freak out, but he also didn't have time to calm down. The waiting room was all but empty, though, so two minutes after he checked in, he was being called back.

That felt like some sort of record.

He managed a tense smile at the nurse who got him weighed, and he tried not to read her expression as she took his blood pressure and pulse. Did she look worried? Was that concern in her eyes? Did she?—

"All right, the doctor will be with you shortly."

The door shut with a heavy thud, and he passed a hand down his face as he tried to control his breathing. He regretted not telling Juno where he was going. He knew if he'd texted or called him, he could have calmed Piper down. Right now, he had no one. He could call his brother, but Nix was never great at that sort of thing.

When he needed a reality check, his brother was always there for him. But when he wanted to be irrationally nervous? Nix tended to make it worse with facts.

He swung his feet and fought the urge to press two fingers to his throat to count his pulse. Instead, he thought about getting in the car three days from then and starting his trek north. New York was their first stop, and so long as the doctor didn't torpedo his plans, they'd be going on a hike to see the Eternal Flame behind its trickling waterfall.

Juno had moved that to the top of the list and sent him a video on it. It was apropos, he supposed. At least, he wanted it to be. He wanted it to be a symbol of what they could be to each other. All of his fears—his hesitations and self-deprecating view on his own body—had faded in the face of Juno's smile.

He was afraid, but he was brave. He was scared of the future, but once he finally took Piper's hand, he hadn't let go. That had to mean something, right?

The door opened, and Piper jolted in his seat. He never knew if she should stand up or get on the exam table or present himself in some way. His doctor just smiled and took her seat on her rolling stool, her tablet in her lap.

It was weird. Piper had lived past the age of manilla-folder files and handwritten notes. He wasn't quite sure how he felt about that.

"How are you feeling?"

"Nervous."

The doctor laughed. "I'm sure, but you can relax. Everything looks good."

Piper all but sagged back into his chair. "Seriously?"

"Your last EKG and angiogram look better than they were when you first got here. You're probably never going to run marathons again?—"

"Bold of you to assume I ever did," Piper said, and she burst into laughter.

"Fair enough. But you are healing."

"So the bouts of tachycardia I've been having?"

She gave him a considering look. "Are they coming randomly? Or during stressful moments? During exertion?"

He opened his mouth to tell her they were random, but then he froze. In the last six months, the only time his heart had gone a little wild was during panic attacks. Sometimes he had vivid nightmares, and his pounding heart woke him. And the last had been when he and Juno were in bed together, and it had nothing to do with getting aroused. It had everything to do with his fear of what might happen should he come.

"Piper?"

"Can I have sex?" he blurted, then blushed, but he didn't take it back. "I mean, I'm having trouble with sex. With getting aroused."

"You mean maintaining an erection?" she clarified.

Yeah, that was more accurate because he was definitely getting hot and bothered. It just wasn't reaching his dick. "I have a new partner, and I think I've been a little afraid to, you know, overdo it. And I was thinking about, ah, taking something for it, but I wasn't sure I was allowed."

"You're not in heart failure," she said with a small grin. "And Viagra hasn't been known to affect your heart much, unless you have low blood pressure, but yours looks good."

"So…"

"So, yes. I can write you a script if you'd like. Though you might want to see your GP about your issues."

"I think they're psychological," he admitted, feeling a little foolish, but she probably heard stuff like this all the time. "I'm going on this long road trip with a…friend." He wanted to call Juno something else, but even without him around, it felt wrong without his permission. "We planned to do some hiking and stuff. Do you think my heart can handle that?"

"And stuff?" she repeated with a tiny smile. "I think you're perfectly safe as long as you're not scaling any huge mountains. You do still need to be careful."

"Nothing too strenuous," he promised.

"Then you have my blessing." She pulled out a little stylus and wrote something on the pad. "I'll have the front desk call this in, and you'll be able to pick it up this evening. I'm going to keep it the lowest dose for now, and if it's not enough, call the office, and we can adjust it."

He felt a sort of tingle at the base of his spine. He might be able to fuck Juno soon. His ears started to burn. "Thank you. Do I need to come back?"

"I don't want to see your pretty face for at least six months," she said with a wink, then stood and offered her hand. "I'm glad you made this much of a recovery."

He wasn't processing his relief just yet. He wanted to wait. He wanted to tell Juno and to celebrate with him. He wanted to let it sink in like a slow burn. He'd been expecting the worst news or, at best, middling news. He wasn't sure how to accept that everything, so far, had gone right.

Piper checked out, then made his way to his car. The light seemed brighter suddenly, the wind cooler in spite of the summer heat weighted down with humidity. He felt…strange. Freer than he had in years. When he'd been discharged from his position as an astronaut, he'd been shackled by his health.

Now, while not entirely cured, he was better.

He was going to be okay.

He sat in the driver's seat and eventually shot a text off to his brother, letting him know that his doctor had given him a clean bill of health. Nix texted back with a single thumbs-up, but Piper knew that was him ecstatic. He sent back a heart and a promise to see him soon, then turned his car on, pulled out onto the main road, and headed home.

Juno had stayed true to his word: he hadn't moved from his spot on the sofa in the time Piper had been gone. He'd been away less than an hour, though, so Juno quirked a brow at him as Piper walked in and tossed his keys, wallet, and phone into the little bowl on the shelf beside the door.

"That was quick," Juno said.

For some reason, Piper couldn't speak. Juno looked like a tired mess with frizzy hair and socks with dirty bottoms, but he was the most beautiful thing Piper had ever laid eyes on. How could he feel so strongly so fast? There was no way it could be real.

But he couldn't let go, no matter how much he tried.

He crossed the room and threw himself onto the couch, rolling until Juno was splayed out on top of him. He kneaded Juno's ass with his hands, big handfuls soft and squishy against his palms. Juno groaned and surged into a kiss.

"Why?" Juno asked when he came up for air.

Piper bit his lip. "Don't be angry with me."

Juno stiffened. "I will never make that promise, honey. I have a temper."

"I know you do." Piper reached up and brushed a stray curl off Juno's forehead. "I saw my doctor."

Juno sat up as far as Piper would let him go. "What happened? Are you okay?"

"I wanted to get her okay before I went on the road. And I wanted to, ah…to ask her about sex."

Juno's gaze flickered down, and Piper knew what he was thinking.

"Yeah. That. I want to fuck you so badly, and I wanted to know if there was something I could do about it. If it was safe."

Collapsing back down, Juno put his arms around Piper and squeezed tight. "Please tell me everything's okay."

"Better than, sugar. She okayed me for all activities. I can't go climb Everest, but I can hike with you. I can walk with you. We can drive and dance. And I can fuck you."

Juno shuddered and pulled back to look down at Piper's face. "Why would I be angry about that?"

"Because I didn't tell you."

Juno scoffed and nipped at his chin. "Trust me, I get it. I didn't tell anyone about my eye appointment, and I don't really plan to let anyone come with me until I need them to. There are things you need to process on your own."

"Mm." Piper's hum rumbled against the back of his throat as he pushed his fingers into Juno's messy bun and dragged him in for another kiss. "She wrote me a prescription."

"For little pills?"

"For little pills." Piper didn't know if they'd help, but at least he could stop being afraid of what letting go would do to him. "I can pick them up in the morning." He thought about being able to have Juno tonight, but he wanted to sit in his relief first.

Juno sighed and went lax against him. "So you can just hold me tonight?"

"Is that what you want?"

After a long beat of silence, Juno shrugged. "I think it's what I need."

Piper could understand that. His entire life had been turned upside down, and he wasn't a fool. He knew Juno was using sex to distract himself from everything, but he was facing down reality now. He hadn't made a decision about what he was going to do or where he was going to go when they got back into town.

Juno would no longer have his apartment, and as far as Piper was aware, Juno hadn't put money down on anything. He wasn't even sure Juno really had money for a deposit, considering how stressed he'd been about the trip. It was too soon to ask, and it was too sensitive of a topic for him to offer help, so he was resigned to physical comfort and quiet worry.

"Should I cook for us later?"

"Mm." Juno propped up on his forearms and looked down at him. "I was thinking we could celebrate your good news. I could treat us to a little something."

"Burritos?" Piper asked with a half-smile.

Rolling his eyes, Juno smacked him lightly on the chest. "No. Burritos are my comfort food. What do you like?"

"There's a spot by the water that's nice. It's kind of bar food—nothing fancy. But it has a really nice view and a good spot to walk after we're done." The restaurant also wasn't expensive, which was the only reason he'd agree to it. He knew Juno wouldn't offer if it was going to put him out, and Piper understood pride well enough.

He had a feeling his yes was going to mean the world to the younger man.

And it was easy to give.

"It's a date." Juno froze, then bit his lip and looked him in the eye. "Is that okay?"

Piper felt a zing up his spine. "A real date?"

"I'm still not ready to put labels on anything, but you've been wooing the crap out of me since we met. I think I'd like for it to be a date."

Piper closed his eyes in a long, slow blink. "Me too." His voice was rough, and he felt Juno tense up.

"Am I doing this all wrong?"

"No," Piper said in a rush. He tightened his arms around Juno. "No, sugar. This is all me. I didn't…I was in the closet for a long, long time. I mean, most of my young adult life. I had flings, but I didn't have time to ever court something serious. And when I did have time, I was older and dealing with the unknowns about my heart."

"So you've never been in love?" Juno asked.

He reached a hand up and traced a line from Juno's temple to his chin. He wanted to say yes, that if he wasn't in love now, he was certainly on his way there, but he didn't. That wasn't fair to Juno, who was so, so reluctant to accept the pieces and shards of affection Piper was allowed to give him.

"I've never been in love. I've always been afraid I wouldn't recognize it when it hit me and I'd lose my chance."

Juno's mouth opened, then closed. He swallowed heavily, then laid his head back down. "I get that. Not to give the whole big orphan sob story, but I had a pretty fucked-up idea about what love was. I didn't have the fairy-tale ending. No one did. Even the people I knew who got adopted—most of the time, it was because the parents got a nice, fat monthly stipend. It was never about love."

Piper stroked a hand down Juno's back.

"I wanted kids for a really long time because I wanted to love and spoil the fuck out of them," Juno went on. "Which I learned was a really ridiculous reason to have kids."

"I don't think having kids to love them is ridiculous."

Juno laughed softly. "No. Having kids to fix this broken thing inside you is, though. That's way too much pressure. My therapist helped me realize that I'm not at a place I'd be able to accept when my kids would be shitty to me. Kids who love their parents are still mean. They say hurtful things. They genuinely hate them sometimes. That would break me."

Piper kissed the top of his head. "I understand."

"Does that make us incompatible?"

Blinking in surprise, Piper laughed. "The kids thing? Babe, I already did the whole parent thing. Phoenix is my brother, but I took care of him more than our parents ever did. I wouldn't say no, if you changed your mind in the future, but it's not a deal breaker for me either way."

Juno relaxed into his hold. "I think Oliver's going to be a dad someday. He says he's not. Victor thinks he's too old, which is silly. Once they get tired of fucking each other's brains out every time they're in the same room together, I think they'll want more."

"You think they'll get tired of that?"

Juno lifted his head, and he looked almost afraid. "I mean, yeah. But that's the best part of falling in love, right? That sort of hysterical need to be as close as possible fades into something safe. Something comfortable. You stop worrying that they don't want you if they don't want to be inside you every second of every day. That's the kind of love I've always dreamed of."

Piper didn't know what to say to that. His parents had barely tolerated each other, and most of his coworkers barely saw their spouses. His only real experience was watching Phoenix with Maddox, but they'd moved before their honeymoon phase was over.

Was that how it was for them now? Quiet? Calm?

Safe ?

He hadn't realized that was something he was craving until Juno said it. Piper still wanted him with a ferocity that surprised himself, but he could feel the tendrils of something more creeping in. He closed his eyes and pictured warm nights of just this—nothing else—and it was so, so good.

"Did I?—"

"No," Piper said before Juno could ask if he'd said something wrong. "I get it, and I understand. That sounds like the dream."

Juno sighed and nuzzled against the front of Piper's chest. "I like that you want this too."

They were both so rough around the edges in different ways, but he realized they fit. The future was still complicated, but for the first time since Piper decided he was in this, he had actual hope.