Chapter Six

B y the time Chief D was aware of his surroundings, it was too late to ask for cheese and beer, because he and his bruders were sitting at a table spooning lumpy liquid into their mouths that the woodland gnomes called porridge. He’d no idea how much time had passed. He thought he’d fallen asleep. Maybe he was still sleeping and this was a dream, though the porridge tasted real, kind of like dirt and butter.

Chieftain Saggycrack held up his spoon, porridge dripping down his beard. “You like?”

Chief D scratched the back of his head, trying to remember what they were talking about. He gave his bruders a look, but they gave him confused looks back before shoveling porridge into their faces.

“We like smoke,” he finally answered. “It would go good with cheese and beer.”

The woodland chieftain frowned. “You no like porridge?”

Chief D shrugged, not wanting to insult their hosts. “It okay.”

“You got phone to watch Enchantress?” Bruder Sixfingers asked.

Chieftain Saggycrack looked at him as if he’d grown another six fingers. “The woodland gnomes no have phones.”

The bruders of tribe Fungi-Toes froze, gaping at their host.

“How do you watch Enchantress?” Bruder Bumblenose blurted.

The woodland chieftain set down his spoon, folding his hands in front of him. “We don’t.”

“What you do all day?” Bruder Gobbleneck asked.

“Forage berries,” Chieftain Saggycrack said as he wiped his mouth with a cloth napkin, “smoke herb, and make whoopie with nannies.”

“Sound boring,” the Fungi-Toes bruders said in unison.

Chief D froze when the woodland chieftain gave them an angry look. Maybe they were being rude, but these gnomes were strange. They smoked weird stuff that made them see other colors and ate mushy porridge, plus they didn’t drink beer, eat cheese, or watch the Enchantress. Their lives were definitely boring.

They gave a start at a commotion and jumped up when a group of nannies heaved the shaky weewee onto a nearby table. When they started lighting candles, rubbing on the weewee, and chanting strange words, Chief D feared they would soon straddle it and ride it until they fell off with stiff goat legs.

Chief D wildly waved his arms. “What you doing?”

One of the nannies with dirt brown hair tied back in two long braids climbed on top of the weewee, straddling it like a witch riding a broom. “We freeing dryad.”

He shook his head to clear the fog from the strange smoke. “You no ride shaky weewee?”

She tossed back her head with a laugh. “We no need it, dummies. We ride our bucks.”

The weewee began to vibrate and hum, its lights flaring as it bounced around while the nanny held onto the sides. She continued to rub the shaky weewee and chant until the dryad spirit sprung free of its silicone shell and disappeared into the tree walls with a cry of relief. The weewee stopped shaking as its light dimmed. They’d done it! They’d freed the dryad!

Bruder Gobbleneck looked at them with raised, bushy brows. “How come our nannies not like tribe Crusty-Nose nannies?”

“Maybe because them bucks spend more time with them,” Bruder Bumblenose said.

Chief D gave them an accusatory look. “What you saying?”

Bruder Bumblenose held out his hands. “We stop watching Enchantress and make more whoopie with nannies.”

Chief D hissed like an angry cat. “Now you gone cuckoo head.”

When Bruder Sixfingers elbowed him in the side, he spun on him with a snarl. “What is it?”

Bruder Sixfingers motioned toward the growing crowd of woodland gnomes behind them, their scowling chieftain at the helm.

“Tribe Crusty-Nose want tribe Fungi-Toes to go now,” Chieftain Saggycrack said.

“It dark now,” Chief D said, unable to keep the panic from his voice as he motioned toward a small window in the tree bark, revealing a starry night sky outside, “and there are many cats.”

“Here.” The woodland chieftain let out a sharp whistle, and a group of about a dozen woodland gnomes rolled a long stick toward them.

Chief D recognized the stick, a witch’s broom. Even though gnomes were notorious thieves, even they knew better than to steal a witch’s broom, for the angry witches always stole them back, using the heavy ends of the brooms to splatter gnomes.

He and his bruders took big steps back, pressing against a table behind them.

“It okay,” the woodland chieftain said. “A gift from dryads. Enchanted to find way home.”

Chief D sucked in a sharp breath, and for once he was anxious to go on another adventure. If they left now, they’d probably make it home in time for some beer and cheese.

He placed his hand on the broom with a smile. “Thank you, bruders.”

“Okay.” Chieftain Saggycrack frowned, shooing them like they were mice. “You go now.”

Chief D felt bad for taking such a nice gift without giving anything in return, for he feared the woodland gnomes would show up at their den one day expecting them to return the favor.

“You want phone to watch Enchantress?” he blurted, then instantly regretted it. He didn’t want to part with their new sparkly phone.

The nannies jumped up, screaming in unison, “No!”

CHIEF D HAD NEVER BEEN more grateful to be standing on solid earth after the broom crashed into the alley beside their nest. The flight over had been terrifying as all four bruders clung to each other and the broom while closing their eyes and refusing to look down. The landing scared every cat within earshot, and they scattered like frightened mice, though Chief D knew they’d be back soon enough. He ushered his bruders into a crack in the wall moments before the broom lifted into the air and then disappeared like a backward bolt of lightning.

They hurried through the tunnels in the walls, eager to check their phone and see if the Enchantress had posted a new update, but also to tell their kin about their adventures. What they found when they reached their nest surprised and terrified them. All bucks and nannies were in a mating frenzy, sweat dripping down their ruddy cheeks and bulbous noses, their mouths hanging open, stubby legs flailing in the air while they grunted and squealed.

“Greetings, kin!” Bruder Sixfingers wildly waved his hands. “We survive our quest.”

Their tribe ignored them while continuing to rut.

Chief D found a couple who had finished early, both gaping up at the ceiling with slackened jaws. He kicked the buck’s side. “What happen here?”

The buck sat up, wiping sweat off his brow. “Nannies throw away all phones. Now they want to rut.”

Wait a minute? Chief D’s chest squeezed with panic as Bruders Sixfingers, Gobbleneck, and Bumblenose cried out in horror.

Bruder Gobbleneck fell to his knees with a keening wail. “They threw away all phones?”

Chief D scowled down at the tired buck. “How you live without Enchantress?”

“No have time.” He pointed to what looked like a grain of rice stuck beneath his trousers. “Nannies make us take little pills of blue.”

The nanny sat up and made a growl like an angry cat and then fell on top of her buck.

Chief D backed away while avoiding looking at the others. He couldn’t find his mate among the sea of sweaty, rutting bodies, but he feared she’d grown tired of waiting for him and had already found another buck.

“Well?” Bruder Sixfingers gave him an expectant look while rubbing his bushy beard. “What we do?”

Chief D scratched the back of his head while trying to think up a plan.

“We go back to tribe Moldy-Bread,” Bruder Sixfingers blurted.

“No.” Chief D slipped the sack with the new phone behind him. The nannies didn’t have to know he had it. He would hide it beneath the floorboards in one of the rarely used tunnels. He looked again at the sea of bodies. Many nannies had more hair than he did and several had boils on their bottoms and round backs. None were nearly as pretty as the Enchantress. He blew out a breath while trying to think up a solution. “Close eyes and pretend they Enchantress,” he finally whispered to his bruders. “We keep new phone in hidden place and watch when they no looking.”

“Okay.” They sighed, their shoulders falling as they dragged their feet toward the orgy.

“Kisses, kisses, and magical wishes,” Chief D mumbled to himself while dreaming of the day he could finally meet his Enchantress. In the meantime, he had some boils to pop.

Gnome Glossary

BOTHILDA AKA BOB – Dryad living inside vibrator

Bruders Sixfingers, Gobbleneck, and Bumblenose – Chief D’s companions

Bucks/bruders – Male gnomes

Chieftain Dingleberry – Main character and chieftain of tribe Fungi-Toes

Chieftain Saggycrack – Woodland tribe Crusty-Nose chieftain

Chieftain Wigglestick – Tribe Moldy-Bread chieftain

Den – The nest for the gnome colony

Dryad – Magical spirits that inhabit wood

Elka Heavy-Bottom – Matriarch of tribe Moldy-Bread who stole shaky weewee from the bruders of tribe Fungi-Toes

The Enchantress – Most beloved and followed striga on Witchtok

Gnomes – Unseen creatures about six inches tall who live in the walls and steal or misplace personal belongings

Mage Stankbreath – Wisest tribe Fungi-Toes gnome

Nannies/seesters – Female gnomes

Seesters Helga, Ursula, and Graechen – Nannies of tribe Moldy-Bread who helped Elka steal the shaky weewee from the bruders of tribe Fungi-Toes

Shaky weewee/purple menace – Enchanted vibrator

Tribe Bent-Stick – A rival gnome tribe

Tribe Crusty-Nose – The woodland gnomes

Tribe Fungi-Toes – The main tribe in the story

Tribe Moldy-Bread – The first tribe of gnomes the bruders encounter

Witchtok – Social media platform for striga

Read on for a peak at Divine and Dateless , book one in my complete sexy and hilarious Eternally Yours Series ...

Striga Glossary

ADAM – INSURGI REBEL , part vampire, part djinn

Alfred—The old man who enchants Luci’s Registry of Supernatural Creatures and Practical Witchcraft Guidebook

Antonio – Succubus and Roman bed-and-breakfast host

Anubis – Egyptian gods with human bodies and canine heads

ASS – American Supernatural Society

Augustus (Auggie) – Ethyl’s former Italian vampire lover

Butchered Bob – Ghost who haunts Ric’s mortuary

Clara – Nana Clara, Ethyl’s grandmother

Colin – Luci’s ex-husband

Demon hunters – Not in the registry for safety reasons, hunt succubi

Deryk – Luci’s father (deceased)

Des – Luci’s autistic preteen son and the phoenix

Dryads – Magical faeries who live in wands and other wooden objects

DUM – Division of Unapproved Magic

The Eternal Light —A book cataloging centuries of spells and striga history.

Ethyl – Luci’s apprentice, cousin, and best friend

Fairy Godparents – Reserved for only wealthy families and able to grant small wishes

Felicity – Colin’s former secretary, new wife, and Homewrecker Barbie

Fiery Dragons – Des’s favorite ruggel team

Frederica – Ethyl’s dildo-horned minotaur lover

Gnomes – Unseen little people about six inches tall who live in the walls and steal or misplace personal belongings

Gorgons – Unseen creatures that look like humans and have snakes for hair.

Gus Apoupaios – Pygmy troll, lead detective in Lenny’s murder case and health inspector

Harpie – Unseen part owl, part woman

Husk – What striga call non magical humans

Idiotica Curse – Forbidden curse that makes you mute and dumb

Insurgi – A group of underground rebels in Rome fighting against succubi

Jaques Boudreau – The husk who was murdered in 1945

La testa pene – Dickhead in Italian

Lenny – Creepy guy who lives with his grandmother and works for Ric

Luciella Lovelle – Luci, alpha witch, single mom, and bakery entrepreneur

Maga Endora Sagredo – Luci’s grandmother and head of the Tribunal

Meine blume (mine-a blume-a) – My flower in German

Minotaur – Unseen that look like bulls, though they stand on two legs like men

Murus de Magicus – The invisible magical wall that shields another dimension of the seen and unseen striga in Rome

Pixies – Witches who can conceal their wings and miniaturize down to six inches, prefer dragons as pets

Puffy – Ethyl’s pigmy dragon pet

Registry of Supernatural Creatures and Practical Witchcraft Guidebook – A book that lists every registered supernatural creature and a guidebook for being a striga

Ricardo Romero – Mythical lion shifter with wings and Luci’s love interest

Ruggel – A magical game much like soccer, only deadlier with exploding balls, illegal wand usage, and ankle-breaking gopher-gnomes

Sagredo House – Luci’s Italian ancestors

Samanta (Sam) Sagredo – Luci’s mother (deceased)

Satyr – Unseen with two goat legs and human bodies

Seen – Those striga who can be seen by humans, usually witches, as they resemble humans, sprites who hide their wings, and shifters

Serena Sagredo – Luci’s aunt and general of the Insurgi

Shu – The Sagredo fairy godfather

Signora Oscura – Queen of the succubi and Maga Sagredo’s advisor

Sirenum Coral – Cryptonite for striga, prevents the use of magic and shifting

Sirenum Scopuli Islands – Near Capri, Italy, where the sirens live

Sprites – Small, flying unseen striga who feed on sugar

Striga – All magical races

Succubus (succubi/plural) – Intersex term also used in place of incubus. Demons who steal striga souls and inhabit their bodies

Tabitha – Ethyl’s mother (deceased)

TITS – Tribunal Internal Tech and Sanitation

Tribunal – Society of elite witches who make and enforce laws

Unseen – Striga who can’t be seen by humans, usually mythical creatures such as dragons, gnomes, sirens...

Vindicti – Secret society of striga who worship the succubi

Vivienne

Divine and Dateless

Eternally Yours, Book One

Tara West

Read the complete Eternally Yours series here:

www.books2read.com/divineanddateless

When you mistake the grim reaper who's come to collect your soul for your blind date...while battling demons.

PRAISE (or not) FOR DIVINE AND DATELESS

★★★★★ "Warning! Tears of laughter (are) expected."

★ "This is a trashy book laced with sex scenes."

★ "The author is either very h*rny or hungry."

COMPLETE SERIES ALERT! BINGE-READ THE FIVE-BOOK SERIES TODAY!

Good girls go to Heaven. Bad girls go all the way... Fallen Angel Ash MacLeod has to be a good girl if she wants to trade up her dump in purgatory for a high-rise in heaven. If only she wasn't tempted by a sexy grim reaper in tight denim.

FIVE REASONS WHY PURGATORY SUCKS!

1. PMS is just as miserable when you're dead.

2. I can't unsee my grandpa in that leather thong.

3. My dating options have been reduced to a hydrophobic grim reaper with an aversion to commitment, a guy with a hammer stuck in his cranium, and a sadistic drill sergeant with a big whistle and an even bigger ego.

4. I left my battery-operated-boyfriend back on Earth.

5. Demons want to eat me (and not in a good way.)

Winner of the 2015 eFestival of Words Best Romance

MORE PRAISE FOR DIVINE AND DATELESS

★★★★★ "For those who watched the food poisoning scene in the movie Bridesmaids and didn't think it was laugh out loud hilarious, this is not your book. For the rest of you, this is a great romp (and no, the book is not consumed with only scatological humor—it's rich in all kinds.)"

★★★★★ "Divine and Dateless is a well crafted, well edited, wonderfully imaginative, fast-paced, full-length standalone supernatural tale filled to the brim with spellbinding fantasy, laugh-out-loud humor, outrageously hilarious characters, a wonderfully unique story arc and sweet, heavenly romance."

Read the complete Eternally Yours series here: http://www.books2read.com/divineanddateless

Books by Tara West

Academy for Misfit Witches

Academy for Misfit Witches

School for Stolen Secrets

Academy for Courting Curses

Court of Fae and Firelight

Heart of Her Wolves

Revenge of Her Wolves

Rage of Her Ravens

Madness of Her Mages

Calling of Her Court

Song of Her Siren

Hungry for Her Wolves Series

Hungry for Her Wolves

Longing for Her Wolves

Desperate for Her Wolves

Tempted by Her Wolves

Fighting for Her Wolves

Fated for Her Wolves

Defending Her Wolves

Saving Her Wolves

Hungry for Her Demon Wolves

Captured by Her Demon Wolves

Hunted by Her Demon Wolves

Protected by Her Wolves

The Fae Queen’s Warriors

The Fae Queen’s Warriors

The Fae Queen’s Captors

The Fae Queen’s Saviors

Tempest of Fire

Eternally Yours

Divine and Dateless

Damned and Desirable

Damned and Desperate

Demonic and Deserted

Dead and Delicious

Keepers of the Stones

Witch Flame, Prelude

Curse of the Ice Dragon

Spirit of the Sea Witch

Scorn of the Sky Goddess

Midlife Menace

Sugar, Spice, and Magical Midlife

Sugar, Spice, and Magical Moonlight

Sugar, Spice, and Magical Mischief

About Tara West

Tara West writes books about dragons, witches, and handsome heroes while eating chocolate, lots and lots of chocolate. She's willing to share her dragons, witches, and heroes. Keep your hands off her chocolate. A former high school English teacher, Tara is now a full-time writer and graphic artist. She enjoys spending time with her family, interacting with her fans, fostering for her local rabbit rescue, and fishing the Texas coast.

Hang out with her on her Facebook fan page at: https://www.facebook.com/tarawestauthor

Or check out her website: www.tarawest.com

She loves to hear from her readers at: [email protected]