Chapter Thirty-Four

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

Milo

Starlet and I began spending almost all our time together. We showered together, cooked together, and watched movies together. We’d been listening to the same audiobooks for fun before bed. It was as if our worlds were emerging the way we’d hoped. But something felt off. She felt off, which left me unsettled.

One night after I finished my homework, we took a shower together and tossed on some sweats to be comfortable.

“You need to eat something. I can cook for you or order something in,” Starlet said, going through the fridge as I sat on the barstool in front of the island, staring her way. She was wearing my oversized sweats, and all I could think about was how much I loved her.

“I’m not too hungry.”

“You still have to eat. It’s important to eat. I’ll grab my phone and—”

“Hey.”

She turned to me, and her shoulders dropped. “Hey.”

“Come here.” She walked over to me and stepped between my legs. I wrapped my arms around her. “Are you good?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Everything’s okay. I want to make sure—”

“Star.”

Her eyes were glassed over. She shook her head. “I’m just mentally working through some things.”

“You want to work through them out loud with me?”

“No. It’s fine. I don’t want to add more pressure to your life.”

I arched my eyebrow. “Now you’re worrying me. What’s wrong?”

Her eyes flashed with emotions, but she blinked them away. That was the opposite of who I’d known her to be from the beginning of time. Starlet never hid her emotions. That was one of the many things I loved about her.

“Star,” I whispered, brushing my mouth against hers. “Talk to me.”

“I will. Soon. Just not tonight, if that’s okay? I just need to process things first.”

“Did I do something wrong?”

Her eyes widened, and she shook her head. “No. Of course not. Honestly, you’re the only thing that really makes sense in my world right now.”

“Well, when you’re ready to talk, I’m ready to listen.” I kissed her cheeks. “But in the meantime, just know that everything’s gonna work out fine.”

She pointed a stern finger at me. “How dare you use those words against me?”

“Sorry, Teach. You should’ve never taught me those words.”

Her head dropped a little. “You probably don’t have to call me Teach anymore. That’s not something I see coming to fruition in the foreseeable future.”

I arched my eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“Nothing. It’s nothing. I’m just figuring out some things, that’s all.”

“Did Weston come down on you hard?”

She narrowed her eyes and shook her head. “No. Quite the opposite, actually.”

“What did he say to you?”

“He told me to stay.”

That made my damaged heart skip a beat or two. I placed my forehead against hers.

I was so damn happy she’d stayed.

At least, that was how I’d felt at first. As the days went by, Starlet stayed by my side even though I told her it was okay to get back to her life and her world. I was keeping up with my homework. I couldn’t say the same about Starlet.

She seemed so worried about me being okay that she was willing to jeopardize her own education. Whenever I brought up the teaching situation, she’d tell me it was fine and she was figuring it out. She told me not to worry about her, but it was almost impossible not to. On Sundays, when she’d generally visit her father, she’d end up staying at my place. Her whole life was being turned upside down due to me, and I couldn’t stop feeling the heaviest level of guilt surrounding that. I knew that my stuff was heavy, but it was never meant for Starlet to carry that load.

Usually, when I went to group therapy, I was more of a listener. I wasn’t one to speak up about my issues. Maybe that was why my problems took so long to get better. But that afternoon I felt as if speaking up wouldn’t only help me, it would help the person I cared most about.

I sat in the metal chair with a knot in my stomach when it came time for me to share.

“I think my girlfriend is giving too much of herself to me,” I confessed.

“Go deeper with that thought, Milo,” Tracy said. “Dig some more at what you mean.”

I brushed the back of my neck with the palm of my hand. “My dad is currently in a rehab center. He’ll be there for a while, so my girlfriend moved in with me temporarily to make sure I wasn’t alone. Don’t get me wrong, I love her. I love having her around but…she gives so much. She worries about my eyesight more than I do. She’s been bringing in these new tech systems, too, to help me read and I’m not even at that point in my journey. And while she’s doing all of this, she’s losing herself. She’s so focused on me that she’s not taking good care of her.”

“I’ve been there before,” another person said. His name was Greg. He was much quieter than the others, but added in to the conversations whenever he saw fit. From what I was learning, he wasn’t the most positive guy around. “She’s going to give and give until it’s too much and she’ll resent you.”

“No,” I disagreed. “She’s not like that at all.”

“That’s what you think now. Just wait and see,” he bitterly replied.

And there I was thinking Henry was the grump of the group.

“Greg, let’s make sure we don’t project our situations on others. Milo’s situation isn’t the same as yours,” Tracy urged.

Greg grumbled. “Okay, but don’t blame me when I end up right.”

“Oh, shut it, will you, Bitter Betty,” Henry scolded. At least my favorite grump was on my side. Henry cleared his throat. “What Milo is getting at, and correct me if I’m wrong, is that he feels like his life is a burden on hers.”

I nodded. “Yes. Exactly. I know this is a long, slow journey for me. It could be years before I’m legally blind and even longer before I lose my vision completely. If she’s already this hyper-focused on me, then what would the rest of her life look like? What would happen to her world when I physically need her more? Or if my mental health worsens? There will be days that I can’t pretend to be happy. I already feel awful having bad days because it makes her feel sad and I hate making her feel sad.”

“This is part of the journey,” Tracy explained. “It’s a hard part, and it’s tricky. Because we deserve love in all its forms, just as everyone else does. Then there’s a slippery slope of knowing how much is too much to request from another person. How much are you willing to place on another’s plate?”

“I don’t want to waste her time,” I whispered.

“Then be a real man and let her go,” Greg said.

“Greg, I swear I’ll throat punch you,” Bobby called out.

“Bobby, no throat punching,” Tracy scolded the kid.

“But some people deserve throat punches,” Bobby argued.

“He’s not wrong,” Henry muttered.

I smirked a little but still felt the knot in my stomach.

“Stop trying to sugarcoat it for the kid. You know I’m right,” Greg grumbled. “They’ll look back in twenty years and will both be miserable.”

That was my biggest fear. I didn’t want to be the reason Starlet lived with regrets.

After the session, we all said our goodbyes. Henry and Bobby called out to me and invited me out for ice cream the following Sunday.

“You two hang out outside of the sessions?” I asked, somewhat surprised.

“Well, he is my grandfather, after all,” Bobby mentioned.

“ Step grandfather,” Henry corrected. “His mother married my son a few years back. They met at one of the family gatherings the group did. Now, this kid is stuck in my life forever. Anyway, we get ice cream every Sunday at Taylor’s Ice Cream Parlor at noon. You’re more than welcome to join.”

“I’d like that. Thanks.”

“And, Milo? Don’t pay much attention to what Greg was saying. He can be a real jerk. And I should know, seeing how I’m the biggest jerk.”

“Yeah, thanks.” I heard Henry’s words, but Greg’s were louder that night. I headed out of the building to find Starlet sitting in her Jeep, waiting for me.

I climbed into the passenger seat, and she smiled. I wished she didn’t do that. It made it harder for me to think straight.

“Hey, how was the meeting?” she asked.

“Good. It was good,” I lied. I felt awful.

“I’m glad. While you were in there, I was looking up some different apps that can help with your vision.”

I arched my eyebrow. “I thought you were going to be working on your homework.”

She shrugged. “I’ll get to that later on.”

That was enough to push me over the edge that Starlet didn’t even know I was dangling from.

That night we’d stayed up too late watching yet another movie, but my mind was everywhere but on the film.

“We should go to bed,” I said, standing from the couch.

She held her arms out toward me, and I picked her up. I carried her to the bedroom and laid her down. She pulled me toward her and kissed me. I kissed her back. First slowly, then deeply, then as if it were the last kiss the two of us would share.

She began to remove my clothes, and I let her. She began sucking my earlobes and licking my neck, and I welcomed it. I wanted her that night. Probably more than I’d ever wanted her before.

“Should I shut off the lights?” she asked me.

I shook my head. “Can we leave them on? I want to see all of you.” Every inch, every piece, every curve.

This time as we slept together, it was different from all the times before. We were making love that night. I’d never made love before her, and I knew I’d never do it with another soul. Love was something so new to me. I didn’t expect her love to travel to so many areas of my world. Her love lived within the small moments. The quiet ones. The gentle easing of harsh storms. It was in her soft embraces and slow kisses. It lay upon my skin pressed against hers. It was the indulgent caresses of our souls. It was in her eyes, and I knew it was in mine.

True love.

I took in every move she’d made against me that night.

At that moment, I should’ve felt nothing less than bliss. I should’ve found solace in the fact that the most genuine form of love was lying against me. When I looked into Starlet’s eyes, I saw forever. I saw my heart and how it was forever becoming tattered to hers.

That realization terrified me. Because the only thing I’d ever known about love, true love, was how it could break a person. How they could shatter and lose themselves to said love. My father loved my mother, and then she was gone. When she’d left, a part of him died that very same day. I was watching it happen with Starlet, too, with her dreams and her ambitions. She was letting them die all in the name of love. All because of me.

The saddest truth about true love was at the end of the day. It could only lead to true heartbreak.

As we made love, as her brown eyes locked with mine, I felt it in my chest. The aching that would one day come. The hurt that would one day develop within either me or her soul. Because even though it was true, love couldn’t ever beat death.

While my mind should’ve chosen to live in the moment, to flourish in the minutes, in the seconds of my time with Starlet, I couldn’t allow it.

My heart was breaking because I loved her too much.

My soul ached because there would come a day when our love would have an ending.

I was so tired of endings. Endings made me never want to begin anything again.

My head turned slightly, and I closed my eyes. I felt tears forming as I tried to slow down my mind. To not let my fears, my anxiety, and my panic overtake something that was supposed to be so beautiful.

Fuck you, Milo , I told myself.

Screw my messed-up brain and its inability to live quietly in the moment.

“Hey,” she whispered, placing her hand against my cheek. “Look at me,” she requested.

I hesitated to turn my head back toward her because I knew when I met her stare, the tears would fall. I knew it would change everything because I was about to mess this thing up. I was about to take a well-soaring plane and make it crash.

“Milo, please…”

I sighed, obsessed with the sweetness of her voice and the softness of her touch on my face. The tears fell without warning. I turned to her, my eyes burning with emotions, some I hadn’t even known how to decipher.

Her expression wasn’t confused or judgmental, though. It was gentle. She pulled my mouth to hers and kissed me. “I love you,” she swore against me. “I love you so much.”

She saw it, too—the love.

“I love you,” she echoed again, and again, and again…

I kissed her harder as my tears fell against her cheeks. Her beautiful cheeks, with her deep dimples and loving eyes. She kissed me with love, and I kissed her with the same. Her love felt like poetry to my uneducated mind. It felt effortless and timeless. I wondered what my love felt like for her. Was it soft? Was it gentle? Was it raw and free?

Was it poisonous? Did it hurt?

We made love that night.

The only problem?

She made love to me as if it would last forever.

I made love to her as if it would end come morning because it would.

Come sunrise, I’d say my goodbyes.

Because love couldn’t last forever, therefore we’d only have that night.