Chapter Thirty-Three

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

Starlet

My world had turned completely upside-down, leaving me feeling more lost than ever before. I knew I needed help to get my life back on track, but I wasn’t sure if my path was made for me anymore.

“I don’t know what I’m doing with my life,” I stated as I sat across from my college adviser’s desk. “I feel as if I don’t even know who I am anymore.” It had been a week since Principal Gallo found out what had been happening between Milo and me, a week since Milo’s dad went off to rehab.

For the past week, my focus had been getting Milo to all his appointments and helping him out the best I could. At times, I felt as if he saw himself as a burden, but I didn’t want him to feel that way. Being able to be there for him felt good, finally. But I’d be lying if I said helping him seemed like a good reason to avoid my own issues.

It was time I faced the music with feeling so lost as of late, and saying those words out loud felt like I finally released the breath I’d been holding for months.

Mrs. Marvin had been my adviser for the past few years, and I’d never found myself sitting in her office. I had to go digging through my paperwork to even recall who my adviser was. I’d never needed guidance on my life choices before because I was so convinced that I was on the right path. Clearly, I’d been misguided for some time now.

“That’s okay,” Mrs. Marvin said, smiling my way as if I didn’t just tell her that I was having a complete identity crisis.

I arched an eyebrow. “Did you not hear me? I said I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.”

“Yes, I heard you. And that’s fine. You’re young and learning the ins and outs of yourself, Starlet. You’re not supposed to have it all figured out yet.”

“I’m a junior. I only have one more year of college. No offense, but I feel like the clock is ticking louder and louder each day.”

She kept smiling.

That annoyed me a bit.

“I looked over your records, Starlet, and it appears you are a great student. You have stellar grades—”

“I did get a C on a paper this semester.”

“I have students who come into my office thrilled by their C papers.”

I sighed. “You know the crazy part about it? I didn’t even care that I got a C. It felt good not to have to be so perfect for once in a while.” I groaned and rubbed my hands over my face. “What’s happening to me?”

“Burnout. It happens to the best of us. The problem is you students have so much pressure put on you to have it all figured out right at the age of eighteen. That’s a crazy concept if I’m honest. You’d be shocked by how many people come in freshman year thinking they want one thing and leaving senior year with a completely different plan of action.”

“What advice do you give them?”

“Pivot. Change directions. That’s more than allowed.”

“Even this late in the game?”

“I have people sitting where you are a semester before their graduation. It’s never too late to change the life you’re living. It’s the bravest thing you can do. So what do you want, Starlet?”

“That’s the thing. I don’t know. I don’t have the slightest clue what I want.”

“What a fun place to be because that means the sky is the limit. I think it’s about time you start trying some different things or writing out a list of things you’re into.”

I don’t even know what I’m into , I thought to myself.

I felt as if my life was a blank canvas, and I had no idea how to paint.

“Here’s some homework for you,” Mrs. Marvin said. I sat straighter. Homework was good. I was great with homework, minus that dang C. “I want you to make a list of fifteen things you like. Fifteen things that make you happy. Then I want you to come back to me.”

“Oh. That’s easy enough. Okay. I can do that.”

Fifteen things that made me happy? That would be a walk in the park.

“I’ll have the list to you by next week,” I told her confidently.

***

Spoiler alert: naming fifteen things that made me happy was not a walk in the park. I’d been staring at my notebook with the page numbered one through fifteen with no progress at all. The only thing that saved me from the despair of my nonexistant list was Whitney calling and asking me to go out for lunch with her.

I hadn’t been back to our dorm room very much, and I needed best friend time. Whitney didn’t scold me for not being around as much. She simply seemed happy to see me. It amazed me how far one person’s jaw could drop after I filled her in on everything going on in my life.

“Well, you’re definitely not Cheerios anymore,” Whitney breathed out. “What are you going to do?”

I shook my head. “I don’t know. The counselor says a lot of people change their majors along the way. And with my communications degree, I could find a job in a different field. On top of that, I have my two minors.”

“I guess you being an overachiever paid off,” she joked. Then a frown found her. “You really are considering giving up your teaching career for this guy?”

“It’s not just about Milo,” I confessed as I picked at my fingernails. “I think it has less and less to do with him and more to do with me. I went into this wanting to be a teacher simply because I wanted to make my mom proud. And sure, maybe I do end up still wanting to teach, but where my head is right now, I don’t know if I can make the right choices. I don’t know my likes or dislikes. All I know is that I’m good at learning things. I’m a great student, but that doesn’t mean that it makes me happy. For the first time in my life, I want to be happy, Whit.”

“I want that for you, too, Star. It’s funny, though. I thought I’d be the one going through a college life crisis way before you.”

I snickered. “I’m just full of surprises this year.”

“The things we do for love…” she somewhat joked.

“You think I’m crazy.”

“Yes,” she quickly stated. She reached across to me and held my hand. “But I also think all the best women in the world had to be a little crazy to get what they wanted. You’re brave, too, Star. And besides, even if this all blows up in your face and your life spirals downward, you’ll have a good story to tell in the nursing home one day.”

I began fidgeting with my hands as I sat back in my chair. “Whit, do you think you could name fifteen things that you love to do?”

“Fifteen?” she asked, then she waved a dismissal hand my way. “I could easily name thirty.”

She’d named forty-two by the time lunch was over.