Chapter Twenty

CHAPTER TWENTY

I spent the night thinking of my self-portrait again.

I thought of how I envisioned myself standing on the ship, with a storm to one side and a clear sky to the other. As if I had a choice. As if I could steer the ship and turn it toward the sunset and ride away safely over peaceful waters.

How na?ve.

The reality was that I was the ship, completely at the mercy of the captain, except there was no captain and I’d been pulled straight into a storm that devoured me and left me wrecked on a rocky shoreline.

I waited a long while for Theo to come back to his room, but he never did, and so I found myself wandering around the boat a little lost. It didn’t feel right to go to the room I’d been sharing with Joel. In fact, that room had felt off-kilter since the day Theo and I went to the Grotto.

I didn’t want to be in the same bed with Joel.

I didn’t want to share space with him at all .

And yet, I couldn’t deny him, the way Theo had asked, and proclaim myself Theo’s to take.

My heart shredded itself inside my chest, self-inflicted knife slits leaving the organ in ribbons as I sat awake on the edge of the bed in our stateroom waiting for Joel to come home. I heard the ruckus when the crew made their way back onboard, but the noise carried downstairs, and even when it died down, Joel never did come back.

We were done.

I knew it. He knew it. And yet, neither of us could admit it. Neither of us wanted to be the first to say the words.

It was impossible to separate who we were now from who we’d been. I wondered if Joel felt the same way, if every time he went to say the words he saw me riding on the front of his bicycle around the CU campus, or remembered the way we fit together watching movies in his dorm room bed.

Our hearts hold onto history, to comfort, to safety. Even when we know those things have died, our hearts will tell us there is hope to revive them.

But my hope wilted like a flower without water the more the hours stretched on that night, the black sky giving way to the soft blues of dawn, and I knew whether I felt ready or not, whether I wanted to or not, I had to face the truth.

I was still sitting on the edge of the bed, back rounded, legs sore, eyes dry and weary when Joel finally snuck in. He opened the door quietly, tip-toeing inside, but when he saw me on the bed, his shoulders deflated, and he closed the door behind him without care to how loud it was.

I could see it then, that he’d been wrestling with the same thoughts I had all night. That truth was reflected in the sad smile he offered me, in the sigh that left his chest as he abandoned his jacket on the back of the statement chair in the corner, and in his tired, red eyes as he quietly sat down next to me on the bed.

For a long time, we sat side by side, not touching or saying a single word. I listened to him breathe, going over the words in my head, wondering where to start. My chest was tight, stomach turning, and already, I could feel tears building along with a knot in my throat.

“Joel…” I started, at the same time Joel said, “We need to talk.”

I laughed a little under my breath, and Joel gave me a sheepish smile.

“You first,” I said.

He nodded, steeling a breath before he turned to face me. “I want to break up.”

I blinked, letting the words settle over me, waiting for them to feel as expected as they should have been, waiting for them to feel okay — but they never did. Even though I was ready to say the same thing to him, hearing it come from his mouth first surprised me.

Why did it surprise me?

I expected Joel to want to talk, to apologize for the pool, for what happened with Ivy, to ask me where I thought we should go next.

I thought it would be me doing the breaking up.

I was sick over being the one to break his heart.

And now…

“You want to break up,” I repeated, testing the words on my tongue.

“I know it may feel… sudden,” he admitted, grabbing the back of his neck. He wouldn’t look at me when he added, “I just feel like we’re stuck. I want to find myself, you know? I want to see the world, and go out, make new friends and make memories with the ones I already have. I love this lifestyle,” he added, gesturing a hand around him before his eyes landed on me. “And after the way this summer has gone so far, I can tell you very clearly do not.”

I blinked again, several times, trying to digest his words. I could have just said okay and left it at that. But unwarranted as it may have been, I was offended by his reasoning.

“Because I don’t want to party?” I asked.

“Look at you,” he said exasperated. “You’re miserable. And I feel responsible for that, I do, but at the same time… I’m not sorry.”

“You’re not sorry,” I repeated, beginning to feel like a parrot. But I was having a hard time wrapping my head around it, the fact that Joel still didn’t see his role in any of our demise. “After everything that’s happened, all the breakdown of communication and the pool party—”

“I don’t want to pretend to be someone I’m not,” Joel interrupted, his voice strained. “And I don’t want you to have to pretend either.”

I swallowed, thinking about who I’d become over the last couple of months, trying to remember the girl I’d been that first day I walked onto the boat.

She seemed like a stranger now.

After a while, Joel shrugged, reaching over to grab my hand. “We’ve grown apart.”

I frowned, staring at where his hand gripped mine as I traced back through the summer, at what was happening in my mind versus what was happening in Joel’s. I was still trying to process it when he dropped another bomb.

“I talked to Theo already.”

My eyes snapped to his and my heart leapt into my throat. “You did?”

Oh God.

Did Theo tell him what happened?

Joel nodded with an apologetic smile. “He understands, and he agrees that we shouldn’t be together on the boat any longer. It just wouldn’t be professional.”

I frowned. “Okay…”

“So, we’ve arranged for you to fly back to the States this evening.”

“You what?! ”

“Theo’s already taken care of everything,” Joel said as I ripped my hand from his. “He’s got a car coming later this afternoon and a first-class ticket home — which is very nice, all things considered.”

“So, let me get this straight,” I said, standing, pacing with my heart beating like a war drum in my chest. “Not only are you breaking up with me, but you’re kicking me off the boat?” My heart sank like an anvil. “And Theo agreed with you that this was the right thing to do?”

“Aspen,” Joel said sympathetically, the way you would try to soothe an upset child. “Surely, you knew this was co—”

“And I’m sure this has nothing to do with Ivy, right? And the fact that you’ve been fucking her every summer that you worked together — this one included?”

Joel’s lips flattened, and he looked away from me with a shake of his head instead of a response.

It was irrational. I knew , deep down in my gut, that it was. How could I be upset with Joel for breaking up with me when I was ready to do the very same thing? How could I accuse him of fooling around with Ivy, of her being the reason for this decision, when I had been far from innocent with Theo?

I had no right to be upset, and yet I’d never been angrier in my life.

“You can’t do this!” I screamed, tears flooding my eyes.

“I can call your sister, if you’d like,” he said, ignoring my plea. “Have her pick you up at the airport.”

“Don’t you dare ,” I said on a sniff, pointing my finger directly at his nose. “Don’t ever speak to any of my family ever again. Or to me, for that matter.”

“Aspen, this is for the best.”

I shook my head, ripping my backpack from where I’d stored it in our closet and tossing it onto the bed. I unzipped the top open and started grabbing anything of mine that I saw, throwing it inside the bag without care.

Tears blurred my vision the more I stormed around the room gathering my things, mind racing with denial as I tried to piece it all together. Joel watched me pitifully, and I thought I heard him saying my name, but I was too angry to hear a single word. Eventually, he left me alone, and when the door closed behind him, I fell to the ground in a sob that wracked my chest.

I hugged my knees, rocking back and forth, shaking my head over and over as if I could just close my eyes and wake up in another reality — one that didn’t mean I was getting off this boat.

One that didn’t mean I was leaving Theo. Forever.

I quieted with that thought, my sobs cut off mid-tantrum as the realization settled in.

I wasn’t upset because Joel broke up with me. I wasn’t even upset because I knew he’d been cheating on me with Ivy for God knows how long.

I was upset because he wanted me off the boat.

And I was devastated that Theo did, too.

My face contorted with emotion, and another wave of tears assaulted me. My rib cage squeezed so tightly together I thought it would crush my lungs, and I hugged my knees tighter, shaking my head as I cried.

I’d lost him.

I’d lost everything.

Before I even truly had the chance to have him at all, I’d let Theo think he didn’t matter to me, that I hadn’t been wrapped up in him from the moment I first saw him. I let my confusion and desperation to be loyal to Joel disconcert me and keep me from falling into the man who saw me so clearly I could never hide from him, even if I tried.

Theo knew it. He knew I was his.

But he wouldn’t take me until I knew it, too.

And I didn’t realize it until it was too late.

Another tear slid down my cheek, and I brushed it away silently, staring at the floor. It was all so cruel, how your own heart, your own mind could keep you from something so good. Now, in the broad daylight of the truth, I couldn’t even figure out what my original reasoning had been. Why had I stopped last night? Why hadn’t I agreed that I was Theo’s to have, that Joel meant nothing to me anymore?

Suddenly, another thought hit me.

What if Theo didn’t care about me at all?

What if all he’d wanted was to get in my pants?

The thought struck me so hard that I jolted upright, tracing back through our time together, wondering if everything he’d said had been a lie, a ruse to get me to fall into him, to trust him, to give myself to him. I thought of what he’d said about being my master that morning in Nice. I thought of the hungry look in his eyes when we were in the hot tub, the way he wanted me so fiercely he couldn’t hide it. I thought of the pool party, and the Grotto, and then he’d kept his hands to himself until…

Last night.

When I’d denied him.

And Joel went to him the very next morning with a proposal to send me home.

Why wouldn’t he want me gone after last night?

Theo isn’t a liar.

He had no reason to lie.

He wouldn’t do that… my brain tried to argue.

But he had.

He had agreed with Joel. He’d booked a car and a flight before even speaking to me, and now I was leaving and there was nothing I could do about any of it.

I was a fool.

A silly, impressionable fool.

I meant nothing to him.

I let my head fall back against the dresser, but no more tears came. Instead, I blinked my dry eyes up at the ceiling, wondering how I could have been so stupid, how I could have messed my life up so royally in just one summer.

But it didn’t matter now.

It didn’t matter that Joel broke up with me. It didn’t matter that Theo no longer wanted me either.

It was done. It was decided.

In a matter of hours, I’d be off the yacht and en route back to Colorado.

Summer was over.

It felt like my life was, too.

***

After I packed, I went to the bar on the main deck and poured myself a drink.

I had no idea what I was doing. I never drank. But I’d also never been broken up with or felt so numb I wondered if I was even still human.

I’d heard my parents say throughout certain times in their life that they needed a drink.

Suddenly, I understood that feeling.

I selected a vodka and mixed it with cranberry juice, a cocktail I knew my mom enjoyed. Then, I sat down in one of the bar stools with my backpack propped next to me and took my first sip.

I grimaced. It was awful.

“Try adding a little lime juice,” a voice said, and I looked over my shoulder just in time to see Emma yawning and sidling up next to me. The silver in her hair reflected the late morning light as she eyed the drink in my hand. “Or just give it to me since I need a little hair of the dog.” She winked. “You don’t drink, anyway, and today doesn’t seem like a good time to start.”

I sighed, sliding the glass toward her. “Feels like the perfect day to start, actually.”

“Trust me, you don’t want to lean on alcohol to try to fix things. That’s how you end up vomiting and crying to a stranger in the bathroom of a bar at two in the morning.” She laughed a little, but her smile fell when I couldn’t return the gesture. “I heard about you and Joel. I’m sorry.”

That got a laugh out of me. “Don’t be.”

“Are you okay? I know you really loved him.”

My heart twisted in my chest, but it wasn’t Joel who came to mind when Emma said those words. “I’ll be okay.”

“That’s the spirit,” she said, taking a sip of my drink. Then, she grimaced just as I had. “Ugh, Aspen, this thing is like seventy-five percent vodka. No wonder you hated it.”

“I figured go big or go home,” I said, then I gestured to my bag. “Looks like it’s the latter for me.”

Emma frowned, reaching over to squeeze my arm. “Hey, my offer to visit Austria still stands. Any time you want, okay? I’ll show you around. My mom will be over the moon when I tell her I have an American coming to visit. She’ll fatten you up in just two weeks, mark my words.”

I nodded, trying to smile, but tears flooded my eyes. I thought they were all gone, that I was dried up, but my numbness was beginning to fade into despair again.

“Oh, sweetie,” Emma said, opening her arms. “It’ll be alright.”

Emma held me as I fought back the urge to cry, her hand rubbing my back tenderly. For someone who’d never married or had kids, she had the touch of a mother, and I leaned into the comfort she provided.

She was still holding me like that when someone cleared their throat, and Emma released me, both of us turning to find Theo in the salon.

“Might I have a word?” he asked, his eyes on me.

Just the sight of him made more tears prick my eyes — his mussed hair, the bags under his eyes, the frown line etched deep between his brows. I wanted to launch myself into his arms, wrap myself around him, hold on tight and beg him not to make me go.

He slid his hands in his pockets, and Emma stood, patting my arm.

“I’ll be working on the laundry if you need me,” she said, offering me a sympathetic smile. Then, she nodded at Theo and excused herself.

We were alone then, and with Theo’s eyes on me, I couldn’t help but remember the first time I saw them. I couldn’t help but think of how they’d rendered me speechless, rendered me stupid, rendered me weak. I blinked and saw his smirk as he took my camera, looking at the photo I’d taken of him. Another blink, and I saw the moonlight reflected in his irises that night in the hot tub. Blink, and we were in the cave in Capri.

Blink blink blink.

A dozen little memories I hoped I’d never forget.

“How are you?” he finally asked, and I scoffed, swiping my tears away before they could fully fall as I looked away from him and out onto the deck.

I felt him watching me, and I wanted to scream at him to just leave me alone as much as I wanted to beg him to hold me and tell me it was all a dream.

When I glanced back at him, his eyes were on my bag, but they flicked to meet my gaze. There was so much pain in those blue chrome pools that I felt it radiate through me as my own.

“Please, don’t look at me like that,” I whispered.

“Like what?”

“Like you’re upset I’m leaving. Like it isn’t you who’s sending me away.” I sniffed, shaking my head.

His nose flared, and he tore his gaze from me and out toward the deck. We’d been anchored a ways off shore last night, but this morning, Captain Chuck had docked us at the port in Salerno, and a long, black car had just pulled up at the end of it.

Theo nodded when the car flashed its lights, turning back to face me once more. I waited for him to say his goodbye, but before he could, there was a rumble of footsteps coming up the stairs, and then we were no longer alone.

Joel, Ivy, Celeste, and Ace jogged up together, looking as tired and worn out as I felt. They were dressed in their crew uniform, the red polos and khaki shorts, Ace with his sunglasses on and Ivy with her visor.

It was easy to see they’d all had a long night, too, though I had no doubt theirs was more fun than my own.

I crossed my arms over my chest, somewhat to soothe myself and somewhat to keep my right hand from reaching out and slapping the satisfied smirk right off Ivy’s face. She looked at my packed bag like it was the best sight she’d seen in the Mediterranean, and I didn’t miss the way she leaned into Joel’s side, cocking her head at me like what are you going to do about it?

“Wayland said you needed us in the salon, sir?” Joel asked, eyeing me warily before he focused on Theo. He took a small step to the side, away from where Ivy leaned against him.

Theo nodded, taking a deep breath before he let it go slowly. He was still looking out at the car, but slowly, his gaze trailed over to me.

There was something strange about the way he looked at me then, like he knew something I didn’t. I couldn’t explain why, but there was a whisper of comfort in his eyes, as if he were assuring me without saying anything that it would all be okay.

And where I wanted to break into another fit of sobs, Theo did the exact opposite.

He smiled.

The man smiled as if we had some sort of inside joke, as if we’d had a jolly old time and he was bidding me a pleasant farewell. Thank you for visiting, Miss Dawn! See you in the Hamptons!

I waited for him to tell Joel and his posse to escort me to the black car at the end of the dock, but when he finally faced them, he said the absolute last thing I ever expected.

“Joel, Ace, Celeste, Ivy,” he said, addressing each of them. “I want to thank you for your… hospitality while aboard my yacht. However, at this time, your services are no longer required.”

I gaped at Theo, along with the rest of the crew, but he just smiled and stood tall like there was nothing outrageous about what he’d just said.

“Sir?” Celeste asked, the bravest of the four.

It seemed to be that word that stripped Theo of his niceties, and I saw a cold demeanor unlike anything I’d ever witnessed slip over him like a cape. His smile flattened, jaw hardening as he took two menacing steps toward the crew, and he seemed to grow six extra inches, towering over them.

“Are you all na?ve enough to believe I don’t know everything that happens on my own boat?”

At that, all their faces went white.

I frowned.

What is going on?

Joel blew out a breath, fists clenching at his sides. “I don’t know what she told you, sir, but she’s just upset because I broke up with her. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”

I scoffed, neck burning as the rest of the crew turned on me with fierce glares. “ Me? What do I have to do with any of this?”

“Don’t concern yourself, Aspen. He’s just mad he got caught,” Theo answered for me, his eyes still on Joel. “These four have been stealing from me.”

At that, my jaw hinged open. “They what ?”

Just then, I noticed Captain Chuck and the other deck hands carrying suitcases down the dock and throwing them into the trunk of the waiting black car.

And it wasn’t my bag they were throwing in there.

It was theirs .

I only knew because I recognized Joel’s in the heap.

My heart accelerated, and I was thankful I was sitting, because my head was already spinning as I tried to follow what was happening.

“I didn’t want to believe Wayland when he first told me,” Theo said to the four of them, pacing in front of them like a warden. “He’d noticed things missing — small things. Things maybe you thought no one would notice. A piece of china. A Rolex watch I don’t wear often. A pair of earrings Nicolette left behind. A tablet in the guest stateroom that no one was staying in.” Theo shrugged. “So, I threw the crew a pool party, and Wayland and I went on a little scavenger hunt.”

Ace groaned, shaking his head as he gave Joel a look that gave me the impression he was the one leading the whole thing.

I just stood there with my mouth open like a guppy.

“We found everything we knew was missing and then some stuffed in the compartment under your bed,” he said, looking at Joel. “And yours,” he added, his eyes on Ivy now. “Quite unimaginative, if I do say so myself. Still, I didn’t want to assume it was you. I thought perhaps someone else was doing the grand theft and framing it up to make themselves look innocent. So, I left it alone, knowing nothing was leaving the ship just yet anyway.” His gaze hardened. “Instead, we set up cameras.”

“Sir, let me just say I wanted nothing to—” Celeste tried, but Theo held up a hand to silence her.

“You know, honestly? I didn’t care at first. You want to take back a few watches and some tech gear to make a few thousand bucks back home?” He shrugged. “Not the end of the world. You all work hard, and I guess I don’t blame you for thinking a billionaire wouldn’t miss a few valuable things. I clearly have the means to replace them.” He paused. “But that wasn’t enough, was it?” He pinned Ace with his glare then. “You wanted more.”

“I told you not to go for the fucking safe, Ace!” Celeste hissed, and Ivy elbowed her in the ribs, giving her a look to shut up as if her being quiet would save them at this point.

“Really, this is a reflection of me. I was too trusting of you, and I didn’t safeguard myself against the attack. But last night, when I sent you all to shore, Chuck and Wayland recovered everything that had been taken and returned the items to me. I can only assume that you were planning when, how, and what you would take from my safe, but unfortunately for you, that day will never come.”

Celeste began crying, but Ivy, Ace, and Joel stood with their shoulders straight, not denying, not confirming, just taking their lashing without so much as a flinch.

“Your bags are in the car.”

“Sir, please ,” Ivy tried, but Theo cut her off in the next breath.

“You’re lucky I’m not getting you tossed into a foreign jail where I could easily pay off an officer to show you how I really feel right now,” he said, and his nostrils flared with the anger I knew he was restraining. “Consider this your first and only warning, and don’t even think about trying to get another job in this industry. You have all been blackballed from this moment forward. I suggest you go home, lick your wounds, and consider your next life choice carefully.” He paused, stepping an inch closer, which I knew from experience was enough to suck all the air out of the room. “Cross me again, and you will wish you had my mercy, as you have it today.”

He held their gazes for a moment to hammer that point home, then he made a little wave in the air with his finger, signaling Wayland, Captain Chuck, Eric, and one of the engineers to come in from where they’d been on the deck. They each grabbed a thief by the arm and steered them toward the dock.

Celeste struggled, still crying, screaming out that she was innocent. The other three remained silent, though I didn’t miss the look Joel gave me as Wayland forcefully moved him past me, as if this were all my fault.

It sent a chill of terror down my spine, because in that precise moment, I realized I didn’t know the man behind those eyes. Not even a little bit. Not at all.

I watched them go in shock, their heads ducking into the black car with Celeste still carrying on. As soon as they were all inside, Wayland hit the top of the car twice, and it sped off.

“All set, sir,” Captain Chuck said when he was back on the boat with us. He glanced at me with a regretful smile. “Sorry you had to see all that, Miss Dawn.”

I shook my head, but words were lost for me at the moment. I didn’t know what to say about any of it.

Joel, a thief?

And Theo had known?

“I’d like confirmation when they’re all on the flight,” Theo said to Captain Chuck. “Their replacements should be here within the hour. Brief them as quickly as you can to get us moving again, then you can have more of a thorough break down this evening.”

Captain Chuck nodded, tipping his hat at me once more before he left us. Wayland said something under his breath in Theo’s ear, which Theo addressed with a curt nod, and then Wayland left us, too.

We were alone.

“Are you okay?” Theo asked, stepping closer. He slid his hands into his pockets again.

“I…” I swallowed, looking down the dock at where the car had been. “I don’t know. I just… I can’t believe…” I shook my head, finally looking back at Theo. “What does this mean?”

“For who?”

“For all of us.”

Theo inhaled, letting the breath leave him slowly before he said, “Well, for them, it means a free flight home that I feel is a gracious sign of mercy after what they’ve done. For the rest of the crew, it means picking up some slack while the replacements settle in.” He paused, his eyes flicking between mine. “And for us, it’s a new start. At least, I hope it is. If you want it to be.”

I frowned. “So you don’t still want me to leave?”

Theo shook his head, stepping into me, and this time his hands came from his pockets and reached up to frame my face. “I never wanted you to leave.”

Tears pricked my eyes again, those words like a salvation.

“I’m sorry I ever let you believe that I did. But I hope you can see the truth now.”

“The truth?”

Theo smiled, though his brows were still pinched together as he watched me. “I want you to stay.”

My next breath blew out of me, the tears I’d been trying to hold back falling silently down my cheeks. Theo thumbed them away easily, his eyes searching mine.

“I’m sorry for what I said last night, for the position I put you in,” he said. “It was unfair. I wanted you so badly that I didn’t consider your feelings for Joel, or your loyalty to him, and I respect and admire both.” He paused. “It’s just, I knew things about him that you didn’t. I had this… aching need to keep you safe, to protect you from him, to show you that you were better and deserved better. That, coupled with my feelings for you, and, well…” He shrugged. “I was blinded. I wanted to save you. I wanted to steal you away. I wanted you all for myself.”

My throat tightened more and more with every new word he spoke.

“It was wrong,” he whispered. “And I apologize for it, the way I handled it all. But I am not sorry for the way I feel about you, only the timing in which those feelings developed.”

I shook my head, because I didn’t want him to be sorry. For any of it.

Theo pressed his forehead to mine, and the moment he did, we both closed our eyes on a relieved sigh.

“Stay,” he whispered. “Be with me now, without anyone else in the way.” He lifted his gaze to meet mine again. “Let me show you the way you deserve to be treated.”

I choked on a sob, throwing my arms around his neck and squeezing him tight. Theo held me steadfast, wrapping me up in his arms completely as if to reassure me that it was all okay, that I was safe, that he didn’t want me to go. And when I pulled back to look at him again, he met my lips with a strong, promising kiss — one I felt like a tattoo on my soul.

“You haven’t slept,” he said, still holding me tight.

“How do you know that?”

“Because I haven’t either.” He shrugged, sweeping my hair out of my eyes. “I couldn’t rest, knowing what I’d said to you, what you must have been thinking of me. And then when Joel came to me this morning…”

I shook my head, burying my face in his chest. “It was the worst night of my life.”

Theo kissed my hair. “I hope to make up for it by giving you the best night of your life, over and over again. But for now,” he said, pulling back and sliding his hand down my arm to grab my hand in his. “We need rest.”

He pulled me toward the stairs, and I followed, my body suddenly drained. I left my bag behind without a second thought, and Theo led us up to the owner’s suite.

It was cool and dark, the curtains drawn over the large windows, and Theo walked me to the bed, pulling back the covers and helping me crawl under them. I kicked my shoes off, and Theo did the same, climbing over me to slip under the sheets, too.

I sighed at the way the mattress took my weight, as if it was wrapping me up in a big hug. It was the softest, most comfortable bed I’d ever been in, and the pillow seemed to shape itself to the exact way my neck and head needed to be supported.

Theo wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling my back into his chest, his legs tangling up with mine. His warmth enveloped me like a cocoon, and I sighed again, snuggling in closer.

There was so much to think about, so much to digest. I had a million questions for Theo but not the strength or alertness to ask a single one.

I succumbed to the exhaustion as it pulled me under, knowing that with Theo’s arms wrapped around me, nothing else mattered.

“Everything is okay now,” he promised with a kiss to the back of my neck.

And then I slipped into a dreamless rest.