25. Hazel

Chapter 25

Hazel

I sat at my desk, staring at my computer screen without really seeing anything. The words blurred until it was just a mix of white and black. I couldn’t make sense of what I was seeing.

The office was noisy, but I couldn’t make sense of what the voices were saying. They floated around me, never getting close enough to my ears for me to really hear anything. It was like I was in a bubble.

The problem was that there was no air in the bubble, and I could slowly feel myself suffocating. That was how life felt without Jade. She was like a sister to me and I hated it when we fought.

And this was more than a fight. She said she was done with me. What if she never wanted to see me again? Maybe I’d truly lost my best friend forever.

I blinked rapidly until my vision cleared and I could look at my screen. I saw the headline for the article I was supposed to be writing. I’d written the first sentence and nothing else after that. It was difficult to work when my head was anywhere but here.

My phone buzzed, and I reached for it. A part of me hoped it was Jade, but it wasn’t. Was it weird that seeing Ian’s name pop up made me happy even at a time like this? He’d been my only comfort through this issue with Jade.

He’d spoken to her and she promised to be okay with our relationship but she still hadn't reached out. I considered calling her or going to see her, but I was scared. I couldn’t bring myself to go after her because I wouldn’t be able to handle it if she rejected me again.

I sent her a few messages and while she replied to some, she left most of them unanswered. That didn’t seem like someone who was ready to see me. She probably just needed more time. Or maybe I was being a coward.

Ian told me everything was okay, and I should go see her but I was too scared to do it.

“Hey.”

I felt my body relax when I heard his voice. It was like he had the power to calm my nerves. We hadn't seen each other much these last few days. It was my way of respecting Jade. If she really wasn’t okay with me and Ian, then I would end things with him. I still wasn’t even sure what we were doing. Was it really worth jeopardizing my friendship over something I wasn’t sure about?

“I miss you,” Ian said, and my uncertainty became irrelevant.

I still couldn’t pinpoint the moment when I’d given this man so much power over me. All I knew was that I wanted to be with him. I’d tried my best to stay away from him. We only met at Stacey’s to discuss the case, and we snuck a quick kiss in the driveway before we said our goodbyes.

None of that wasn’t enough.

I wanted to be with him. “I miss you too.” I wrestled with the part of myself that felt I needed to stay away. In the end, my need to be in his arms won. “I could come over…”

“I would love that.”

Ian and I made plans for the evening. When I got off the phone with him, I was finally able to concentrate on work. I finished the article in record time, turned it in, and dashed out of the office. I just couldn’t wait to see him.

Half an hour later, I sat in my car in the parking lot of Ian’s apartment building, fixing my hair and reapplying my lip gloss. I was here earlier than we planned but I didn’t think that would be a problem. That was until I got upstairs and found his door locked.

I knocked but when no one answered, I had to call him. “Where are you?” I asked.

“I went out to grab some farfalle and cream. I’m making you dinner.”

“Oh.”

“Why’d you ask? Are you already at my apartment?”

I bit my lip. “Yes, but it’s fine. I can wait in my car or -”

“Absolutely not. Look under the rug, there’s a spare key there. You can wait inside. I’ll be back soon,” he said.

The call ended. Just as he said, I found a key under the rug. It was a terrible hiding place, and I made a mental note to tell him that later.

It felt weird being in Ian’s apartment without him there, but I also felt honored knowing that he trusted me that much. Ian Carter trusted me. Color me shocked.

I looked around the apartment. I’d been in here a few times, but it was different to be here alone. I stayed out of his bedroom because I wanted to give him his privacy. After wandering around the kitchen for a while, I moved to the living room.

He had a few books stacked on his center table. I hadn't noticed them the last time I was here. “The Alchemist. The Count of Monte Cristo.” I read the spines out loud. “Pride and Prejudice? Hm, who would have thought?”

My rifling was interrupted by the sound of a phone ringing. It wasn’t mine and Ian was with his phone so whose was it? I found the phone on the table beside the couch. I immediately recognized the name on the screen as Ian’s coach, George.

I decided to pick it up and tell him Ian wasn’t home. I placed the books down, reached for the phone, and brought it to my ear.

George spoke before I could get a word in. “Ian, my boy. I have to say, you’ve really outdone yourself this time. Great work with Hazel. The whole relationship act is doing wonders for your brand.”

Relationship act?

“I knew you could pull it off. I’ve gotten several calls. Lots of companies are interested in working with you. This is going to be great. I just knew that a fake relationship with Hazel was the right way to go.”

George continued to ramble on, clearly loving that his genius plan had turned out exactly the way he wanted it to. He was celebrating while my heart was shattering into a million pieces.

All this time, I thought Ian and I were building something real, but he was just using me. He was only with me to help his brand. I couldn’t believe he would do something so awful, but I couldn’t deny what I’d just heard.

“Ian, are you there?” he asked.

I swallowed hard so my voice wouldn’t break when I spoke. “Hi, George, it’s Hazel.”

It was like I could see his eyes widening, could feel the mortification that washed over him, and the regret that settled deep within him. “Hazel, I…”

I didn’t wait for him to finish that sentence. I ended the call and left Ian’s apartment, locking the door and placing the key back where I left it. A part of me wanted to stay and confront Ian but what was the point?

He would probably just lie to me and I would fall for it all over again. I couldn’t allow that. I wouldn’t give him the opportunity to manipulate me like that again. I wiped the tears that fell down my cheeks as I drove. They blurred my vision, forcing me to blink rapidly, so I didn’t get into a car accident.

My chest hurt so much that I could barely breathe. I couldn’t help blaming myself for this whole thing. I should have known never to get involved with Ian. We’d hated each other for years and there was a reason for that.

We should have kept things that way, but we didn’t and now I’d gotten my heart broken. I heard my phone ringing, and I didn’t have to check to know it was him. I wondered if he’d just gotten home, and he called immediately he didn’t see me. Or maybe George had already told him that I knew his big secret and he was calling to manipulate me some more.

Either way, I didn’t plan on answering the phone.

It continued to ring, so I turned it off. The last thing I saw before the screen went dark was a text message from Ian.

Where are you?

I tossed my phone back into my bag and stepped out of my car. I was thankful I didn’t see anyone on the walk to my apartment. I wasn’t in the mood to explain why I was crying. I opened my door and walked inside.

My tears wasted no time. I cried until my knees felt weak and I sank against the door. It was the second time Ian was making me cry. Once again, it made me wonder when I’d given him so much power over me.

There was no denying that he affected me. Everything he did had an effect on my heart and this time he’d broken it. I thought back on everything that had happened between us over the last week, and I just couldn’t imagine that all of it had been a lie.

I tortured myself with memories of him, trying to find moments where his mask had fallen off. I thought about our first night together, and how gentle he was. I thought about the next day and the breakfast he’d made me. I also thought about the day Jade caught us and how he’d held me in his arms until I calmed down.

Was all of that a lie? Did he do all that just for his brand? Did he even care about me at all?

I pressed the heels of my palms to my eyes and leaned my head against the door. “I’m so stupid. How could I have been so blind?”

I didn’t know how long I stayed at the door but when I finally stood up, the ache in my heart was still present. Not long after I stood up, I heard a knock on the door. I knew it was him. I considered staying silent. Maybe if I did, he would just assume I wasn’t here.

“Hazel, I know you’re in there. Please open the door.”

I didn’t say anything.

“Hazel, please. Just… just open the door so we can talk.”

I bit my lip to stop myself from speaking.

“Please.”

That last plea was barely audible, but I heard it. The desperation in it made me cry, but I wiped my tears and stood my ground. I wasn’t going to let him come in here and lie to me.

Ian stayed for a while, begging me to open up. When he realized I wouldn’t do that, he left. Was it crazy that a part of me wanted him to stay longer, to not give up?

I sighed as I sunk onto the couch. Today was supposed to be perfect. I was going to spend the evening with Ian. It would have been our first real date.

I scoffed at my use of the word ‘real’. Nothing that had happened between Ian and I was real. It was all a lie. Everything was a lie.

I cried myself to sleep that night even though I’d promised myself that I wouldn’t cry over Ian again. The next day, I called Bradford and asked him if I could have the day off. He was kind enough to grant me my request.

I hadn’t taken a day off once in the four years since I started working for him so he knew that if I was asking for one, then it must be serious. I spent the day, waddling around my apartment in sweats and wallowing in my misery. By evening, I’d consumed two large buckets of ice cream and a slice of cake that I brought home from the last time I was at Stacey's bakery.

A knock on the door took my attention away from my third bucket of ice cream. For a moment, I thought it might be Ian but then I heard Jade’s voice. “Hey Hazel, are you in there?”

“Yeah, I’m coming!”

I pulled the door open and forced a smile onto my face. It quickly fell, and I felt my eyes begin to tear up. Jade took one look at me, my sweats, and the ice cream sitting on the corner behind me, and she immediately knew what was wrong. “I’m going to kill him.”

She turned and walked away but I stopped her. “No, please don’t. I don’t want you to confront him.”

“Why not? He hurt you. He deserves to be confronted. He also deserves to get hit on the head with a frying pan. I came over here to give you my blessing for your relationship with him and I meet you heartbroken. How could he do that to you? And after all the things he said at the bakery. I mean he said he—” She paused and shook her head. “I’m going to confront him.”

“Jade, please don’t. I beg you.”

She looked at me for a long time before sighing. “Fine.”

We walked into my apartment. I grabbed another spoon for Jade and we sat at the counter eating ice cream in silence. Jade looked at me like she was scared I would break at any moment and I offered her a smile every once in a while to assure her I was okay.

“What did he do?” she asked.

I told Jade everything. From my trip to Ian’s house to the key he kept under the rug. We both agreed that it was a terrible hiding place. Then I told her about the phone call from George and everything he said before he realized I was the one on the phone.

I noticed Jade’s anger visibly fade as I spoke. When I was done, a thoughtful expression contorted her features. “My brother can be annoying but this just doesn’t sound like something he would do. You said he did it to help his brand, to make him more famous right?”

“Yes.”

“Ian has always hated the fame part of his job so why would he go the extra mile to milk it?”

She made a good point. I knew how much Ian wanted his privacy. I knew how much he despised the fame that came with being a professional athlete. It didn’t make sense for him to work to increase that fame.

I knew all that but I couldn’t see past the pain I felt. I couldn’t bring myself to even listen to his explanation. It hurt too much.

And maybe it was better this way. If it hurts this much, then maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.

Ian and I weren’t meant to be.