19. Hazel

Chapter 19

Hazel

A malicious person who goes out of her way to hurt people without caring about the consequences.

That was how he’d described me. It shouldn’t have mattered. It shouldn’t have hurt to hear him say those words, but it did. The words lacerated my skin, leaving me exposed and wounded.

I walked away when he saw me and I went straight to my childhood bedroom, passing by the dining area without a word to anyone. The last thing I wanted to do was talk because I was certain I would cry if anyone tried to speak to me.

When had I given Ian so much power over me? Since when did I care what he thought of me?

I asked myself those questions as I paced the open space of my room. It hadn't changed at all since the last time I was here, and I felt instantly comforted by that fact.

I paced until the pain in my chest wasn’t so intense. I heard a knock on the door and the pain returned with a vengeance. I was scared it was Ian and I wouldn’t know what I would do if it was him.

“Hazel, it’s me,” came my best friend’s voice. “Open up. Please.”

I pulled the door open and smiled at her, hoping the smile was bright enough to hide just how much her brother had hurt me. “What’s up?”

“I’m so sorry about what Ian said. I’m sure he didn’t mean it. You know how he—

“It’s fine.”

“Are you sure?” Jade asked, incredulously. “You looked pretty upset.”

“I was just shocked but I’m fine. It’s no big deal.”

“Hazel, it’s okay if—

“I think I’m going to go home now,” I said, cutting her off again.

“I’ll come with you,” she offered.

“No. That’s not necessary. You should stay and enjoy the dinner. You don’t want to miss my mom’s apple pie.”

I walked out of the room and Jade followed behind me. She kept trying to make me change my mind about leaving or agree to let her come home with me. I said no to both. I paused in the dining area and forced a wide smile onto my face.

“Hi, guys! I just got a call from work, and I have to leave.”

My mother’s brows knitted in confusion. “They need you to come to the office this late?”

“Um… no. I won't be going to the office. I just need to go home and finish up an article. It’s going to be on the front page of tomorrow’s paper, so I have to finish it tonight.”

“Oh, that’s too bad, sweetie. We’ll miss you,” Jade’s mom said as she walked over to give me a hug.

Ian walked into the room at that moment and our eyes met. I looked away quickly, said goodbye to everyone else, and left. I spent the drive home replaying the conversation I’d heard.

I still couldn’t believe Ian hated me that much. I knew we weren't the best of friends, but I had no idea he thought that low of me. I fought back tears as I waded through the sea of cars. It surprised me that Ian’s words were able to cut me this deeply. I always thought I didn’t care what he thought of me but clearly…

A malicious person who goes out of her way to hurt people without caring about the consequences.

His words played again in my head and this time I couldn’t stop the tears that flowed. Thankfully, I’d already gotten to my apartment. I turned off the engine and stepped out of the car, desperate to get inside where I could cry in the comfort of my own bed.

Miserable as that sounded, it was still a lot better than crying on the street.

I unlocked my door and pushed it open. When I was finally inside, the tears flowed freely. I felt hurt and angry and sad. I hated Ian for what he said about me, and I hated myself for caring. What he said shouldn’t have mattered.

But it did.

I tossed my bag onto the couch, pulled off my shoes, and walked barefoot into the kitchen. For a moment, I considered drowning my sorrows in the bottle of wine that sat in my cabinet. I immediately disposed of that thought. The wine had been a gift from my father, and I was supposed to use it to celebrate, not wallow in self-pity.

Plus, it was bad enough that Ian made me cry. Getting drunk because of him would be giving him too much power. He didn’t deserve that much power over me… or any power at all. I wiped tears from my cheeks, but new ones took their place.

I was a few seconds from giving up and opening the bottle of wine when I heard the doorbell. It was probably Jade. She knew I was upset, so she came to check on me. I wiped my tears with more force and hoped she wouldn’t notice my red eyes. When I was certain I didn’t look as bad as I felt, I pulled the door open.

It wasn’t Jade at the door.

“What do you want?” I asked as I glared at Ian. He opened his mouth to speak, but I interrupted him. “You know what? I don’t care what you want. I have nothing to say to you and I don’t want to hear anything from you. Please leave.”

I tried to close the door but Ian held it open. It was pointless to go against him. He was a professional athlete, and I was a slender news reporter who hadn't worked out since high school gym class. I knew it was pointless, but that didn’t stop me from trying.

“Hazel, please. Just let me in. We need to talk,” he said. I could tell he wasn’t using his full strength to push the door. If he was, I would already be on the floor.

“We have nothing to talk about! Leave!”

“Just give me a chance to explain what happened. Please.”

I sighed in frustration. He wasn’t going to leave and there was no way I could physically stop him from entering here. I walked away from the door, and he followed me inside. “Fine. Explain!”

Ian shut the door behind him before turning to me. He ran a hand through his hair while the other one remained in his pocket. His jaw tightened, and he kept his gaze focused on the ground, a clear sign of his unease. He opened his mouth to say something, but he shook his head and closed it. His hand rested on the back of his neck as he struggled with what to say.

“This is a really great explanation, Ian.” My statement was laden with sarcasm and derision.

He sighed loudly. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry about… about what I said. I shouldn’t have said that. It was wrong and insensitive, and I shouldn’t have said it. This isn't an excuse, but the truth is my head has been really messed up lately. Ever since we… kissed that evening outside Olivia’s house, my head has been a mess. Again, it’s no excuse. I shouldn’t have said those things. I’m sorry.”

“Did you mean them?”

“What?”

“Did you mean what you said?” I asked again. Ian could apologize all he wanted but if he really felt that way about me then an apology wasn’t going to fix this. “The things you said, did you mean them?”

His silence was my answer. He wouldn’t even look at me. I nodded and sunk my teeth into my lower lip to keep from crying. I’d cried enough tears for Ian Carter today. I wouldn’t let him hurt me again. And I certainly wasn’t going to cry now. It was one thing to cry over him and another to cry in front of him.

I knew I should accept his apology. I should accept it and tell him to leave but I couldn’t. Not until I understood why he hated me so much. I had to know what had incited so much hate in him.

“What did I ever do to you?” I asked.

Ian met my gaze then. The look in his eyes was one of disbelief. As if he couldn’t believe that I was asking that question. “A few years ago, you wrote an article about me.”

That was the last thing I expected him to say. I had questions, but I didn’t want to interrupt him so I kept quiet as he spoke.

“That article changed my life. With one article, you destroyed the only safe space I had left. Cloverhill was my safe space. I came here when I wanted to get away from it all. I came here when I wanted to feel normal. It helped take the pressure off my shoulder. In my hometown, I could relax and be myself. Here, I didn’t have to worry about fans and paparazzi. Here, I could just be free.”

I stared at him. There was genuine hurt on his face, and it made my heart ache.

“You took that away. The article you wrote made this place a hub for everyone who wanted to take a microscope to my life. Cloverhill stopped being my home after that article.”

I took a moment to think about what he was talking about. I tried to remember the article in question and one in particular came to mind. I remembered writing an article about him that did really well.

I also remembered that it was after the article that his fans started coming to Cloverhill. Now I understood why he hated me so much. He was right. Cloverhill became what it is today after that article.

Before it, most people didn’t know Ian was from here so there were no fans or paparazzi. The only people here were people he’d known his whole life. People who had come to his hockey games in high school and cheered him on.

Before my article, the only people here were family. Cloverhill was probably the only place where he felt truly comfortable, and I took that from him. I didn’t do it intentionally, but that didn’t change the fact that it was my fault.

I felt terribly guilty about the whole thing. I had no idea that my actions had hurt Ian so much.

A malicious person who goes out of her way to hurt people without caring about the consequences.

A malicious person who goes out of her way to hurt people without caring about the consequences.

Now I understood what he meant by that statement.

I tried to think back on the article. Writing about Ian wasn’t exactly my favorite pastime, so it didn’t sound like something I would do willingly. Then why did I write the article?

It took me a while, but I finally remembered. I looked at Ian and I saw he was waiting for a response. I knew I had to tell him. He needed to know that I didn’t go out of my way to hurt him.

On the contrary, I was only trying to help someone in need.