9. Chapter Nine

“Stop!” I screamed even though I knew he’d only hit me harder because I did.

“Shut up, boy, if the cops show up again, I’ll bury your body where they’ll never find it.” He snarled. The stench of stale cigarettes and rum assaulted my senses. He was drunk again, or still drunk from the night before. I wasn’t sure there was a time he wasn’t anymore.

I hated my father. How could my mother die and leave me with him? One day I’d run away and never come back. His arms squeezed tighter, I fought with everything in me to get away. Dealing with another broken bone would suck. I knew it was the nurse at the hospital who called the cops the last time. I never should’ve gone there but I kept passing out from the pain and didn’t know what else to do.

“I hate you!” My arm slipped free, my fist connected with his chin, and he stumbled back. Before his boot stomped on my head I scrambled up, busted out the window screen and ran down the alleyway.

That’s when I woke, drenched in sweat and my eyes landed on a figure standing in the corner of the room. I scrambled up and fell to the floor, my legs were trapped in the sheets that wound around them.

Hands held up in surrender, he came into the moonlight that streamed through the holy, old ass curtains. “Josh, it’s me, Reagan. Are you okay?”

“What the fuck do you think?” I stormed from the room and grabbed the bottle of whisky off the counter and chugged it as I plopped down on the couch. Ironic considering that nightmare was about one of many of my father’s drunken beatings I received. I stared at the bottle, hating him, hating myself, and yet I still took another swig. “Apple didn’t fall far from the tree, huh? Once a loser, always a loser.”

Reagan knelt in front of me, took the bottle and sat it on the coffee table. “You’re not a loser, you’re a victim.”

“I’m not playing that card.”

“You’re not being asked to. Being a victim doesn’t mean you’re a helpless damsel in distress. PTSD is no laughing matter.” Hearing that acronym aloud was like a punch to the gut. I knew what it was, knew I had it but refused to admit to it. Stupid, I know but that’s how I rolled. Reagan took my hands in his. Having that connection soothed the beast raging inside me. But how long would he stay after this? Who’d want to sign on with a broken person like me? “Josh,” Reagan sat beside me and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, and I fucking lost it. It was like, once the tears started, they wouldn’t stop. Years, hell, decades’ worth I’d suppressed barreled forth like a broken dam. Broken dam for a broken man.

“Wipe that look off your face, Josh. I’m not going anywhere. You know me. Maybe not so much as a boyfriend, yet, but as a man. We’ve known each other for years and you know I’m not easily swayed, especially when my heart’s involved.”

Heart’s involved? What does? Does that? Do not go there, Josh, no one’s ever loved you nor will they. Stupid hopeful heart.

Reagan kissed the top of my head and smiled. “Careful now or you’ll have steam coming out of your ears from all the overthinking you’re doing.”

“But you said?” I didn’t dare repeat it. I didn’t want to be the idiot who misunderstood.

“That my heart’s involved?” My head bobbed up and down. “That’s because it is. The more I get to know you the faster I fall.”

“Fall?” Gulp.

“Yes, sweetheart, I’m falling hard and fast for you.”

My insides bubbled like a million butterflies flew through. “I like it when you call me that.”

“Ha-ha, ha-ha,” we shook from Reagan’s deep laugh. “I tell you I’m falling in love with you, and you pick up on the nickname I’ve been using for weeks.”

“Um, yeah. Sorry. But I’ve, umm…” Bile rose in my throat, and my palms were sweaty. I wanted to run which normally in uncomfortable situations I would. But not this time. “I’ve been in love with you for a long time.” Those were the hardest words I’d ever said. I’d never planned to admit my truth to Reagan, nor to anyone else, but the moment felt right.

“My turn to say sorry. But you didn’t exactly put your best foot forward these past few years.”

Jesus, I’d been a straight up ass to Reagan. Always with the slimy, sexual comments and repeated failed attempts to get into his pants. Hell, I’d have denied me, too. Well, for more than a hook-up for sure. What the fuck was wrong with me? Wait, brain, don’t answer that. That list was way too fucking long. “Agreed.”

This was the first night I’d wake from an episode and wouldn’t spend the rest of it alone with my acoustic and a bottle, burying the painful memories that haunted my dreams. Tonight, I’d return to bed and sleep in Reagan’s comforting arms. My life had changed so much since the audition with Chaotic. I wasn’t na?ve enough to believe an easy road lay ahead for me but having Reagan by my side, I was ready to take on the world, and my issues.

Reagan and I finally went back to bed and somehow I managed to get a couple solid hours of sleep. Not saying it was due to the man beside me, I knew the nightmares were likely forever. But maybe our talk and the way he comforted me had something to do with it.

“Hey.” I woke the next morning to Reagan’s lips on my neck and his hand on my cock.

“Can I make a request to start every day this way?”

“Mmm, maybe.” Reagan’s motions increased. He cupped my balls and squeezed at the same time he bit into my shoulder. The painful pleasure shot straight through me and sent me over the edge.

“Holy shit.” That was…fantastic. Reagan shot out of bed and into the bathroom, not bothering to shut the door. “Was it something I said?”

“Ha-ha, funny guy. I work today, and you have practice. I thought we could grab breakfast beforehand.” He rinsed and spit, much more a morning person than I was, as I struggled to get out of bed.

As I walked past him to turn the shower on, he smacked my ass. “Hey!”

“You like it? There’s more where that came from if you play your cards right.” Reagan turned and walked away.

“Fucking dog.” Had I ever smiled this much or felt this, I don’t know, free?

“Yeah, but I’m your dog. Woof-woof!”

Nope, never.

“Good afternoon, gents.” By the stunned looks they wore that was the wrong thing to say. “What?”

“You must’ve got laid last night,” Marley teased, though he wasn’t wrong.

“Can’t a guy be in a good mood?”

“Yeah, any guy but you. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile.” Jason’s remark wasn’t too far off.

Hmm. “New me, I guess.”

“So does that mean things with Reagan are going well?” It was hard to be mad at Jason for poking at me when he was such an easygoing guy.

“Yeah.”

“He’s a good guy, don’t hurt him.”

“Don’t plan to.” With that uncomfortable conversation with Jason over, I pulled my baby from her case and plugged her in. “Any particular lineup today?”

“We have a show tomorrow night, our last one before we head out. Let’s just stick to the same lineup we played on Saturday.” And with that, I played the intro to our opening song and we fell into an easy, familiar rhythm. Anytime I played I was in the zone, completely at peace like all my troubles were gone. Carefree, floating in a melodic headspace and doing what I was born to do.

And then Jason ruined it all by calling time.

“Hey, babe.” I was in such a Zen mood when I got to the bar, the pet name slipped past my lips when I leaned over the bar top to kiss Reagan. Thankfully, he didn’t seem to mind. In fact, I think he kinda liked it if his smile had anything to say about it.

“Hey to you, too. Good practice?” It always amazed me how he could load and unload the dishwasher while keeping up with the conversations going on around him. I had the attention span of a zit and would’ve dropped every glass. Single focus was all I had to offer. Probably one of the reasons it was a challenge for me to interact with the audience, though I was working on that.

“Yeah, not too bad. We have one more show before we head to Rocktoberfest. Our slot isn’t until Sunday, but Sal wanted us to watch Maiden and Social on Saturday night.” Would be hella crazy trying to keep out of their line of sight, but I’d do my best to blend in with the crowd. “Hey, um, did you and Jason ever…”

Reagan’s brow raised and he looked at me like I was nuts. “No. Why?”

“He’s a bit protective of you so I kinda wondered. I mean, if you did so what, but I was just curious.” Don’t be jealous, don’t be jealous. Brain, that fucking chant is annoying as hell.

Reagan came around the bar and sat beside me. “Josh, I haven’t dated in years, and I don’t do casual, so you know what that means.”

“Yeah. Yeah. Sorry.” Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

He tapped my forehead. “Shut this thing off. It’s going down a road it need not travel.” He stole a quick kiss. “Follow me.” Around the back of the bar, through the kitchen and into a tiny room next to the back exit we went. As soon as the door shut behind us, Reagan pinned me to the wall and kissed me with so much heat my knees nearly buckled. “Liked that, did ya?”

I ground my rock-hard groin against his. “Hell yeah. What else you got?”

Reagan chuckled. “As much as I’d like to get us both off, this isn’t the place, but I wanted to show versus tell you how much I missed you today.”

This guy had no clue what he did to me. From the smell of his cologne or body wash, whatever it was, to the heated looks hed toss my way and now this steamy soul-reaching kiss. If I wasnt in love with him before I knew without a doubt I sure as hell was now. Who was I kidding, that ship had long since sailed. I think I gave my heart to Reagan the first time we met, though Id likely never admit that to him. Gotta keep some secrets tucked away.

“All right, handsome, I need to get back out front. Think of cold showers and freezing snow.” I shivered at the thought and the body part that once stood proudly, begging for attention, quickly retreated. Reagan took my hand, and we returned to the bar slower than we had left it. Reagan had nearly dragged me back to the office. Much to my surprise, when we got back out there my bandmates were waiting. Well, all but Nigel.

“Did I miss a band meeting?”

“Nah, we came to see the rarely spotted in the wild Josh, in its natural habitat.” Smartass Marley narrated like you would a nature show. “Some say this beast is illusive, skittish even and is rarely spotted in the presence of others.”

“Jackass.” There was no heat to my word, only meant as a joke, which was exactly how he took it.

Jason cracked up. “Nah, man. We were bored and figured we’d find you here. Thought we’d hang and toss back a pint or two.”

“Well then, by all means, join me.” I gestured to the empty stools beside mine.

“So, what were you and Reagan getting up to?” Marley was in rare form tonight, and I had to say I kinda liked it. Was it possible I was in the process of making friends?

“I don’t kiss and tell.”

“Bummer. I’m in a serious draught and I need all the deets I can get.”

“Ha-ha-ha, you’re a funny fucker.” Who knew?

“I got game, bro.” Marley held up his drink and winked.

“You just said you got no game,” Jason pointed out. “Which is it?”

“I got jokes?” That had both Jason and I rolling. “Hey, man, droughts are serious. What if my dick never comes out of hiding?”

“Then you’re sincerely screwed, my friend.” Jason held his glass up. “To new friends and new adventures. May Rocktoberfest be our ticket to stardom!”

“Hear, hear!” Marley and I tapped our glasses to his.