17. Chapter Seventeen

“You ready to work on some lyrics?” Stoli bounded down the steps ahead of me toward his studio.

“Yeah. We’ve got a few fully finished including the music but I wrote a new one I’d like to work on with you, if that’s okay?” We took a seat behind the soundboard area, and I handed him the lyric sheet to “Lone Wolf.” Reagan’s nickname hit me deeply and out came the words. Stoli read it as I sat, impatiently fiddling with shit beside him.

“I like it. It’s got a metal-a-billy sound to it.”

“Metal-a-billy?”

“Yeah, like a rock-a-billy twang but with a side of screaming. Lyrics sung with heart and the chorus screamed like a metal god.”

I threw my head back and laughed. This was what was needed to break the tension, though I’m sure that was only on my part. Reagan’s suggestion weighed heavy on my mind and while I wanted to talk to Stoli about it, I had no idea how to bring it up. But as he began to read my heartfelt lyrics aloud, it came to me.

Lone Wolf

Loner, loser, that’s all I’ve ever been

Bastard, misfit, delusional sinner

Take your pick, throw your worst

I guarantee my walls won’t thin

Resigned to be alone forever

I traveled the earth a lonely man

What do you do when you’re impossible to love?

When all you want lies beneath a heart hidden deep

Chorus:

A lone wolf howls his empty nights away

The moon, his only friend lights the stage

Alone with his guitar, he plays until his fingers bleed

Does anyone hear? Does anyone care?

As the lone wolf howls, his soul cries with need

Cut so deep there’s nothing left to save

The lone wolf howls

A fork in the road appeared

Continue alone, safe, where his heart stayed tucked away

Pick a new path, a new life?

Or would it only lead to heartbreak?

Safe, his brain pleads, leave your heart out of it

Seek the one who holds your soul and find love, his lonely heart begged

As the battle raged the man’s confusion turned to anger

The argument old and tired, it was time for a change

Chorus:

A lone wolf howls his empty nights away

The moon, his only friend lights the stage

Alone with his guitar, he plays until his fingers bleed

Does anyone hear? Does anyone care?

As the lone wolf howls, his soul cries with need

Cut so deep there’s nothing left to save

The lone wolf howls

As the man rose another voice said

You’re alone no longer

Take a chance, choose the new path

Follow me and I’ll show you how wonderful life can be

Chorus:

A lone wolf he is no longer

Dancing on the moonlit stage with another

His heart so full, his soul so calm

He forgot what it was like to be alone

Joey came down in the middle of this and sang the lyrics. I was tempted to call Jason, Marley, and Nigel over, but they were doing their own things today. “Hey, can I, um, talk to you guys about something…um, personal?”

They stopped, sat and turned toward me. A bit unnerving to have their attention on me in this capacity. “So, I have this problem. Actually, Reagan mentioned you might be able to help me keep it on the down low but, um, I need to get some help?” That came out as a question, but nerves got the best of me, and I nearly had to sit on my hands they shook so badly.

“What’s going on?” Joey asked.

“I have these, um, episodes. Nightmares. Reagan calls it PTSD and I thrash around, scream and shit.”

“Where’s the question?” Stoli asked. “I’d like to help but I’m not exactly sure what you’re asking of us.”

I sighed and questioned myself. “I need professional help to get past or learn how to deal with childhood abuse.”

“Oh, fuck.” Stoli got the point. This was deep and I got that.

Joey pulled his phone out. “We need Easton?”

“No. Fuck no. I can’t afford to lose this job.” I stood ready to bail, full on regretting this. “Please forget I said anything.”

Joey reached out and grabbed my forearm. “It’s not like that and unless you seriously fuck up, it’s unlikely you’ll get canned. What we’re about to tell you stays between us. This is highly confidential, but I know Easton would be okay if we shared this with you. Granted, he’s the only one who can tell you how he truly felt through all of this, and I’m sure he will. Given the nature of our business and keeping our personal lives out of the public eye, you need to promise this doesn’t leave this house.”

“You have my word. I don’t want my dirty laundry shared either.”

“Josh, do you remember reading about our bus crash?” Stoli reached for Joey’s hand. “I almost lost Joey but what the rest of us didn’t know was Easton saw our bus driver get killed during it. He buried the nightmare in prescription meds his mother helped him get and it ultimately led him to a complete breakdown, and he nearly took his own life.”

“Diamond found him with a gun to his head.” Joey’s words chilled me to the bone.

“Fucking hell.” I had no idea. Couldn’t deny having had thoughts of ending it myself, though I didn’t believe I’d ever do it. A gun to the head, though, that’s as close as you can get to saying goodbye.

“Exactly. We saw the behavioral changes. Just thought he was overworked. No clue how deep this ran until Diamond called us and said Easton had been checked into a rehab facility. The rest of us flew out to Cali to be there for them. That’s how the Masterson family works. And you coming to us with this today proves you belong here. Can I please call Easton? He has a great therapist.”

If I said no, I’d be a dick. But having one of the owners of our management company involved when I’d hoped to fly under the radar with it sucked. So much for that. “Yeah, um, all right.”

Joey walked off with his phone, my heart rate escalated. Stoli gripped my shoulder. “Deep breaths, my friend. You know, I shortchanged you. When it comes to Joey, I’m overprotective.”

“I understand that. I’d be the same with Reagan.”

“Joey’s downward spiral after the incident with you and Lucas nearly cost me everything. When he finally pulled his head out of his ass and realized I was there, it changed my life, for the better. I couldn’t go a day without him, he’s my entire world.”

I didn’t know what to say, or how to react. To have him open up to me about this showed a comfort level, a bonding as such, that we’d reached. Especially coming from someone whose world I’d nearly ruined. “You guys are perfect for each other.”

Stoli glanced toward the door Joey had left through. “Yeah, we are.” We got back to work and lost track of time until Joey came back with Easton and Diamond. Fuck.

“How’s it going?” Easton asked. I knew they’d been updating him on how I was or was not doing.

“Actually, great. Josh wrote another song that we’re getting ready to put music to. It’s different and bold, a great brand for Chaotic.” Wow, words of praise from Stoli. Struck me each time he dished them out.

“Can I have a few minutes alone with him?” Diamond growled. “Really, Ethan?” Easton, and Diamond and Jeremiah’s mother appeared to be the only two that used his real name. I got the impression when Easton did, it was more of a don’t go there moment. Diamond kissed him, glared at me, and left with Joey and Stoli.

“Josh, please do not think our conversation holds any weight on your contract. I can assure you it’s quite the opposite. Joey and Stoli have sung your praises, love your songs, and are enjoying working with you. That says a lot and Dad holds their opinion in high regard. There’s a reason he chose them to work with you and I’m glad he did. I apologize that my original reaction to your coming on board at Rocktoberfest was negative. I shouldn’t have been so quick to judge but when I view the Masterson bands, I see them as family and my family I will always protect.”

“Understood.”

“You are family now, too, Josh, and I’m here to help you. Joey told me what he shared with you, the CliffsNotes version of my addiction and subsequent breakdown. I have a fabulous therapist that has not only helped me get through that, but the nightmares as well.” His eyes scanned my face. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Did I? Not really, I felt like a pussy already. Would telling him no be wrong? I’d look like a dick for sure. “It’s just. Hard.” That put it mildly. If I spoke of it the memories flared right alongside the words. The nightmares, though, were living through the pain. Words, in this case, hurt less. “Let’s just say I was my dad’s human punching bag until I bailed.”

“I can’t imagine how much you suffered. I know it doesn’t help, but I’m sorry you went through that. When I first started going to therapy it was to get past issues with my mother. After the accident happened, that amped everything up.” Easton shook his head. I’m sure reliving that event, though he schooled his features just as quick. “It’s always been hard to focus on me and my needs. The bands came first. It was quite the paradigm shift but when I saw how badly my breakdown had affected Ethan, I had to.”

Breakdown. Took a lot for a person to admit to that, especially one in charge of multiple lives and multi-million-dollar careers. “I’m sorry that happened to you.” Was that the right thing to say?

“Thank you, I appreciate that. My reason for sharing is so you understand you’re not alone. You’ve been through traumatic experiences that were never properly dealt with as had I. My therapist was based in Santa Monica, but she’s since opened an office here. I can assure you anything you share with her, with any of your band brothers, will be kept confidential and you aren’t required to disclose your personal matters to anyone you don’t want to. Though I will tell you it was a step in the right direction to building a strong basis for a relationship with Joey and Stoli. Does that discount your previous actions? No. But you are right. The past needs to stay there, we’ve all grown up and everyone deserves a second chance. Especially you, Josh. You’re talented and Sal knew that. I’m glad he went to bat for you, and you’ve become a part of the family.”

Words escaped me and to be honest, I’m not quite sure I could speak if I had some. Moments passed between us where neither spoke, giving the other time to gather their thoughts and it was comforting. “Thank you,” I managed to get out. “Diamond and Shadow hate me, and I don’t blame them.”

“Diamond and Shadow are always grouchy, protective of those they love and as with you, both have demons of their own they battle. Don’t discount one’s actions as them being assholes. Can they both be? Absolutely. But fiercely protective. They will take time to come around but stay on the path you’re on and it will all work out.”

I sure as hell hoped so, though I wasn’t about to admit that. The man who never cared if he had a friend suddenly craved to be everyone’s. “Yeah, um, I’d like to talk to her. Your, um, therapist. Please.” What was with all the stuttering? Any more ums, and he’d think I’d lost it.

“Absolutely.” My phone pinged and there it was, staring hard at me. The number to a therapist. Did I have the balls to face my demons head on? I better, for my relationship and for myself, but I was scared shitless. With that behind us, Easton opened the door, and the guys came back in.

“Let’s hear your new song.” I jumped at Diamond’s demand but after a couple of minutes he relaxed and so did I. He and Easton sat in on the rest of our session and appeared pleased with what they heard.

“We should have the rest of your band over to finish this song. It’ll be perfect for the CD. Think you guys can be studio ready come Monday?” My eyes widened as my mind raced through all that entailed.

“I’m sure we can make it work. Does Jason know where the new practice space is?” Another ding, and there was the information with the address and time from Easton. Damn, that man was fast. Evidently this was a new group chat Easton set up between Chaotic, himself, and Jeremiah. The guys immediately fired back they’d be there tomorrow.

“And Stoli, I’ve reached out to Reagan and Fizzbo and have booked the bar and guards for the Wednesday night after Christmas for you and Josh to perform an acoustic set,” Easton said as his fingers furiously typed away.

“What’s a Fizzbo?”

Everyone laughed but it was Stoli who replied. “Remember the hulking figure that got between us and you when you came to the stage at Rocktoberfest?”

“Yeah. That dude was massive.”

“He’s the head of the security company Masterson hired and yes, he’s a large man.” Diamond’s chest puffed up at Easton’s words. “Down, boy.” That explained why he was there and why the other guards jumped at his barked commands. “Eventually it will get to where Chaotic will be assigned two guards of their own. Social and Maiden have their own teams, due to their presence in the world. Embrace does at times run into fan frenzies and when word gets out Social is working with Chaotic, your life will change even more.”

“And Reagan is good with all of this?” I had a bad feeling things were about to spiral out of control. If this overwhelmed Reagan, what bearing would that have on our relationship? “I know he mentioned having to notify the hotel manager about it.”

“Yes,” Easton glanced up from his phone. “We had a zoom call this morning with both of them. This is great PR for Chaotic and also keeps Social in the fan feed while they’re on a touring hiatus.”

There were so many aspects to all of this band management stuff, things I’d never thought of, and Easton had a pulse on it all.

“Will there be a ticket charge? Also, I, um, I can’t sing so is Jason coming?”

“I was thinking we’d just play but maybe having Jason there would be best.” Stoli’s mind was up to something. “I definitely want us to play ‘Lone Wolf.’ We’ll run through the set next, that way you and Jason can focus on those songs at practice tomorrow.”

“Thanks, you guys, for everything. It means a lot that you’ve given me this chance.” I choked up and stumbled as I spoke.

“Everyone deserves a second chance, Josh. Hatred blinds and I’ll be the first to admit I was wrong about you.” Stoli was killing me with this shit.