Chapter Five

Winter had always felt lost. It was a natural consequence of not having memories and not remembering a thing about who he was supposed to be. It had taken him a long time to get used to not knowing what had happened to him before he’d woken up alone in the forest in his dragon form, but he’d never liked it. When he’d found the mages, he’d thought he’d finally get answers and would be able to fill in the gaps, but instead, he’d gotten his heart broken, and he had no idea what to do next.

That was why he was in front of Jarvis’s office. He knocked on the door before he could rethink asking the mage to help him. He didn’t know what Jarvis would do since Winter didn’t think the man liked him much, but he needed out of the castle for a bit.

“Come in,” Jarvis called out.

Winter opened the door but didn’t walk into the office. What he needed would be quickly explained. “Hi. I wanted to ask you if you could please open a portal for me,” he told Jarvis, who was still behind his desk.

Jarvis frowned. “Where to?”

“Samuel’s clan. I’ve lived with them since he found me in the forest with no memories. They’ve become my family.”

Jarvis’s expression cleared up. “You want to visit your family?”

Winter had never really felt like he was part of Samuel’s family. He wanted to be, but they belonged to Samuel, not him. If he and Samuel had gotten together, Winter would have been able to claim them as his, but he didn’t think Samuel had appreciated the kiss.

They hadn’t talked since then. Winter had tried, even though he was mortified, but Samuel had been avoiding him. Now, Winter knew how Keylon had felt when Winter had done the same to him.

He hated it.

“Yes,” he told Jarvis because he didn’t want to start explaining what was happening. “I miss them, and I’d like to see them.”

“Will Samuel be going with you?”

“No. He’s busy, and I don’t intend to stay away for too long. I’ll be back in a few hours.”

Jarvis gestured at Winter to come into the office. Winter did so cautiously. He’d lived with mages long enough to know it was never good to be distracted in a mage’s office.

“There,” Jarvis said as he pointed toward the corner of the room. “I have a small setup. I can open a portal from here.”

He got up from his chair and joined Winter. There was a big circle drawn on the floor in the corner by the window. Winter wasn’t a mage, but he recognized some of the symbols.

“You won’t be able to cross here when you ask a mage to open a portal to return to the castle,” Jarvis explained. “It takes a password and a mage to open the circle back up, and of course, you’re not a mage.”

“That’s fine. I don’t have a problem portalling into the courtyard. We can go there now if you’re more comfortable.”

“No, this is fine.”

Winter could feel Jarvis’s gaze on him, but he ignored it. He suspected Jarvis wanted to know what had happened between Winter and Keylon, but there was no way Winter would tell him.

Eventually, Jarvis stopped staring and opened the portal. He’d talked to Samuel after Samuel had explained who he was, so he knew the clan where Winter had lived all these years. Apparently, he had friends there.

“I’ll see you soon,” Jarvis said.

Winter nodded in thanks and stepped through the portal. Instantly, he was in a room he recognized well.

The portal room in the castle where Samuel’s clan lived.

Winter’s shoulders relaxed. He was home.

He made his way through the castle, nodding at people he recognized as he walked past them. A few tried to stop him, but he didn’t have time.

He went straight to the rooms where Samuel’s family lived. His mouth went dry as he knocked on the door, not knowing what to expect.

Samuel’s mother opened the door. For a moment, she blinked at Winter, then looked around, clearly trying to find Samuel.

“He’s not here,” Winter said.

Julienne smiled and pulled Winter into her arms. “That’s fine. You are, so I’m happy.”

Winter pressed his lips together and allowed her to drag him inside. The apartment was quiet, no doubt because everyone was busy elsewhere.

Winter finally broke down when she pushed him toward the couch. “Keylon is going to break the bond between us,” he blurted out. “I kissed Samuel. I thought he’d be happy because it means we can be mage and dragon now, but he pushed me away, and I haven’t been able to talk to him yet. He’s been avoiding me. I don’t understand.”

Julienne sat on the couch next to Winter. Winter hated that he’d told her all of this without even thinking about it. He might have decided to keep a few details to himself, but everything was out now.

“Why did you kiss him?” she asked gently.

“Because we can bond now. I can truly become part of your family.”

“Samuel has always said he didn’t want a shield, though.”

“I know.”

“And you’re his best friend.”

Winter’s stomach dropped. “That’s all I am to him, isn’t it?”

“He loves you like a brother, just like his siblings do.”

“And I kissed him.” Winter groaned. “I’m an idiot.”

Julienne chuckled. “A bit. What were you trying to obtain when you kissed him? Were you focused on being able to bond with him?”

“Yeah.”

“You do know you don’t have to be Samuel’s shield to be part of our family, right?” She took Winter’s hand. “You already are. You’ve been family for a long time, Winter.”

Winter swallowed. He wanted to believe her, but he wasn’t sure he could. “You accepted me because of Samuel. He’s the one who dragged me into your family.”

“Initially, sure. We didn’t know what to think when he found you in the forest and you didn’t have any memories of how you’d gotten there or who you were. We’ve gotten to know you over the years, though. Who you were before doesn’t matter. What does is who you are now, and you’re one of my children. That’s never going to change, no matter what happens between you and Samuel.”

“Even if he never wants to talk to me again?” Winter asked, his voice little more than a croak.

“Even then. He’s not going to do that to you, though. He’s probably in shock and confused, but he loves you. You’re his best friend.”

“And nothing more,” Winter murmured.

“I don’t think you actually want more with him. When you explained what had happened, you didn’t tell me that you kissed him because you were in love with him. You didn’t tell me that you wanted to bond with him because you want to be with him forever. You said it was because you want to be part of our family.”

That gave Winter pause. When had he fallen in love with Samuel?

He couldn’t remember. Samuel had always been there. He’d found Winter when Winter didn’t have a clue who he was and had brought him home. They’d been best friends since then, and while Winter had convinced himself he was in love with Samuel, was that really what he felt? Or had he been trying to convince himself it was love to make himself more legitimate? Now that he and Samuel had found the mages, Winter was supposed to stay with them. It was where Alvin had belonged, so it would make sense for Winter to move there permanently and not return to the clan, but Winter didn’t think he could do that.

“I don’t know anything anymore,” he groaned.

Julienne squeezed his hand. “Well, you don’t have to know things right away, but I know you don’t want to lose Samuel, which means you’re going to have to talk to him. When you do, you need to be honest with him. You need to tell him how you really feel and why you kissed him.”

Winter might have been able to do that if not for the big problem that he had no idea how he felt about Samuel and why he kissed him. He’d told himself it was because they could finally be together now, and in a way, it was, but did he want to be with Samuel because he loved him or because he didn’t want to lose him and his family?

* * * *

Keylon was moping around. Thankfully, no one had tried interrupting him. He wasn’t sure what he’d do if anyone told him that everything would be all right.

No one had dared. Keylon was sure that Jarvis knew what had happened by now. Ansley and Penley would have told their dragons, who would have told the other dragons. Marlow knew how much Jarvis cared, so he’d have informed him of the upcoming bond breaking.

Keylon hated it.

Living all together like this meant there were no secrets. Even though Keylon needed the support of his family, right now, he wanted to be left alone so he could lick his wounds and ignore the problem that was looming over his head. It would still be there once he felt stronger.

But of course, when Keylon needed the most to be alone, he never was. He almost got to his feet and left the library when Samuel entered, but this was his home. He wouldn’t allow anyone to run him out of it, especially not Samuel.

“I wanted to apologize,” Samuel quickly said.

Keylon frowned. “For what?”

Keylon’s tone was harsh and seemed to take Samuel back. It wasn’t enough to make him leave, unfortunately. Maybe Keylon should snap at him a few more times. That was bound to work, right?

“Winter told me that you offered to break your bond with him.”

Of course that was what Samuel wanted to talk about—the one thing Keylon wanted to forget.

“What Winter wants doesn’t have anything to do with you,” he told Samuel. “There’s no need for you to apologize.”

“I still want to. I feel partially responsible.”

“Why? Winter’s an adult. He makes his own decisions, and in this case, he’s decided he doesn’t want to be with me or to protect me. It would be useless to try to change his mind, and I won’t. He’s all yours.”

“I don’t want him, and I don’t think you should break your bond.” He hesitated, then sat in one of the other armchairs. “He kissed me.”

Keylon briefly closed his eyes. “Congratulations, but I really don’t want to know about this.”

“That’s not what I meant. He kissed me, but I didn’t kiss him back. He’s my best friend, but that’s all he is.”

“On your part, maybe. It’s clear he has feelings for you that differ from friendship, though.” Feelings he should have for Keylon. Feelings he once had for Keylon.

Samuel shook his head. “You don’t understand. I know him, and I’m sure he’s not in love with me.”

“Why would he kiss you, then?”

Samuel leaned back in his chair. “When I found him, I didn’t know what to think of him. I was gathering ingredients for spells, and I stumbled onto this dragon shifter. He was in his dragon form, and he seemed panicked. I didn’t understand why, but I had to talk him through shifting back to his human form. He was terrified. He didn’t know who he was or what had happened to him. He had no idea how he’d ended up so close to our clan. He was completely lost, and I couldn’t leave him there.”

Keylon was grateful that Samuel hadn’t. As angry as he was with Winter, he couldn’t imagine being in his place. Not remembering anything and not knowing where he was had to have been terrifying, and if Samuel’s presence had helped, then Keylon was happy that Samuel had been there for Winter.

Keylon couldn’t bring himself to hate Winter, no matter what was happening between them. It hurt, and it made him want to scream, but Winter was a different person than Alvin had been. He didn’t know Keylon. All of this was new to him, and it had to be confusing and overwhelming.

“He built a life with my clan,” Samuel continued. “When I realized someone was using a spell to find him, he didn’t want me to figure out who it was or to come here. I think he was afraid of what he’d find and that he’d have to leave the life he’d built behind.”

“And he had to,” Keylon murmured.

Samuel nodded. “My clan and I are familiar to him. We’re the only solid memories he has. Now, he’s been told all about Alvin and what happened, and knowing him, he has no idea what to do with that. He’s panicking, and he’s doing what he does best when he panics.”

“He runs.”

Samuel nodded. “I don’t know if that’s something Alvin did, but Winter does. He wants everything to stay the same, and when something changes, he doesn’t know how to deal with it. He doesn’t really want me, Keylon. He wants what I represent. He doesn’t want to lose me and my family and the life he built with the clan. I’m sure that if you give him some time to think, he’ll realize that.”

Keylon wanted to hope, but he was afraid to. Winter would never be Alvin. He might never want Keylon the way Alvin had wanted him.

The same could be said for Keylon. He didn’t actually know Winter. He didn’t know what kind of man he was beyond the fact that he ran when he didn’t know what to do and when he was scared. Was he someone Keylon could see himself with?

That was a moot point. Winter had been clear that he didn’t want Keylon, which was why Keylon was planning to break their bond. Why Winter was doing what he was doing didn’t matter in the end. The only thing that did was the result of his behavior, and the result was clear.

Winter didn’t want anything to do with Keylon.