Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen

" H ow are you getting on, My Lady?" Margaret asked her and she couldn't help but smile.

"I get on well enough," she replied. "It has been … well, things have been quite different these last couple weeks."

"Indeed, My Lady," Margaret continued. "you have spent a great deal of time with His Grace this past few weeks."

"He has wanted to spend time together," she returned, though she very much enjoyed them spending time together as well.

"You smile a great deal more than you have. So wonderfully happy, and it is clear that His Grace enjoys making you so."

She flushed at that and the broad smile on her face must look quite comical now, so large was it that her cheeks hurt from so much smiling and pleasure.

It seemed as though each smile from Matthew, on the other hand, was slightly hard-won, and that made her appreciate them all the more.

For now, the conversation ended, as Margaret seemed to realize she would get nothing intelligible from Diana now. And there was really nothing more to speak of. Until the day that was set for them to agree to the purchase of the land, and start the process going.

It was the first time that she was meeting the old couple who owned the house, but they seemed sweet and friendly when they answered the door.

"Oh, how wonderful it is that this house shall go to such a loving and happy couple. My Thomas and I were like that once," the woman said with a smile.

The man beside her, Thomas, reached over and took her hand, and she gave him a soft smile.

"Well, we're still like that. But we're certainly not as young as we used to be. Our best years are perhaps behind us. We have not hosted a party in this house in … goodness, it has been decades."

"Not so long as all that," her husband protested. "We hosted a party for my cousins."

"That was near on twenty years ago, Dear," the woman replied and Thomas shook his head in surprise.

"It does not seem so long as all that," was his answer.

"Ah, but it's no matter. We are old and this house … well, it still has a great deal of life in it. It would be silly to retain it any longer."

"We are glad that you have decided to part with it. It really is a lovely house and one that we never imagined that we would find," Diana interjected.

"Have you been looking for a long time?" The woman asked and Diana glanced at Mathew with a smile.

"It has not been so long, though it feels as though it has."

"Ah, I understand. When you are searching for the perfect thing it can often feel as though time stands still. But I am glad that our home will be the start of a new life for you. It has been so much to us … to see it become all the same to a new family … It is a wonderful feeling. I cannot wait to see what you do with the place."

"We are excited for the opportunity as well," Diana replied and the woman smiled at her and then over at Mathew.

"You are such an adorable couple," the woman added and Diana couldn't help but smile at Mathew again. "They're so much like we were when we had just gotten married, aren't they Thomas?" The woman looked to her own husband who gave her a gentle look.

"Perhaps they are," he agreed, "And this place has certainly become a lot of upkeep. The staff it takes to run this household … well, it's something that we certainly don't need either. It should not be a problem for you, of course, Your Grace," he added. "The expense shall be nothing to you."

"Thomas!" The woman sounded offended but Mathew simply smiled and shook his head.

"I am sure it shall be no concern," Mathew agreed. He actually seemed to appreciate that the man was being so practical and so open about everything. The cost of keeping up the house and the household staff would not keep him away from this place, of that she was certain.

"We'll take some of our household with us, of course, but there shall be some who we will release as our new home shall not be quite as large. We would give recommendation to any of this household, of course."

"Excellent. Thank you, very much," Diana replied, pleased that they should have no trouble with getting a full household staff for the new house.

Of course Mathew would like to keep his household, but with a larger house there would be need for more.

"Now, let us see to these papers, shall we?" The solicitor finally spoke up and Diana glanced over, startled.

She had just about forgotten the man was there, but as he passed out the forms for their signatures she tried to give the stern man a smile.

Not that he seemed to care. He simply stared back at her and then went back to what he had been doing. Which was simply staring at his own paperwork.

"We'll need signatures on each of these, of course. This will transfer ownership from the Warner's here, to your family, Your Grace."

"Thank you," Mathew acknowledged, reading through the forms quickly and efficiently.

Watching the way his brow furrowed as he read, the way his eyes scanned the page, Diana could easily see what he looked like when he went about his work and there was something so … endearing about this moment. Something about watching him this way that made her heart beat a little faster in her chest. And when he looked up at her with a smile … well, that made it patter even more.

"Please sign here when you are ready, Your Grace," the solicitor stated, and Matthew finished his review of the content and added his signature to the bottom of the page. "And Mr. Warner," Mr. Warner did not bother to read through the contract as Matthew had done but merely added his own signature. "And that is all that is necessary."

"Are you ready, Diana? This house is ours now," he told her and she smiled back.

"I am certainly ready. I am excited to begin our lives here," she replied

"Oh, they are just so cute," the woman stated again and then glanced over at her husband again before turning toward Diana again. "The two of you are just starting the rest of your lives together, and that's absolutely wonderful. To see this lovely house filled with children… to hear their laughter and play in the halls…"

Diana stiffened slightly at that, and Matthew gave her a strange look. His hand reached toward hers, but she quickly pulled it into her lap.

"I always wished that we would have children of our own, but it simply never happened for us." The woman looked so sad at the comment that Diana couldn't help reaching out to her.

"I am sorry that things did not happen quite the way you had hoped. But you did have a happy life, did you not?"

"I did," the woman replied, looking at her husband with a soft smile.

"Friends, parties, a husband who loves you," Diana continued.

The woman smiled at her, patting her hand with that sadness still in her eyes. "It was a happy life. And a beautiful one. But there was always something missing." She looked around the room as if she were listening for something. "It is nice to know that there will be children running through these halls, even if they are not my own. I wish you both the very best."

The couple stood up, their part in the process finished.

Matthew led them to the door along with the solicitor, who promised to have everything filed and finalized as soon as possible.

Diana remained in the room, alone, looking down at the deed for the house that had just been signed.

It was theirs. This beautiful home. And everything that she loved about it was still right there. Still exactly as it had been.

But it all felt… tarnished somehow by the woman's well-meaning comments.

Having children… it was what was expected of her, of course. She should have known that. And in one sense … she had. But she had continued to ignore it. Had pushed the thought from her mind. Everyone would expect her to bear heirs for Matthew. And a part of her thought that would be… exciting. To be a mother. But the greater part of herself felt like she couldn't breathe. Felt terrified by the very thought.

Could she be a mother, with everything that she had experienced with her family? Did she even want to be a mother like the one she had experienced?

"Diana?" Matthew returned to the room, standing in the doorway for a long moment as he studied her, and she wondered if her panic was obvious on her face.

If it was, he didn't say anything. He simply walked over to her and reached for her hand. This time, she didn't reject him, but she felt her entire body stiffen slightly at the touch.

"We have our own home now. A place that is entirely ours. A place where we can create our own memories."

The thought made her relax. The idea that this was a place for just the two of them and they would be able to create a full and happy life of their own.

"Perhaps now is the time for us to move into a bedroom together," Matthew continued, and her back stiffened once again.

Diana stepped back, out of his embrace, terror coursing through her at the very idea of what that would mean.

It wasn't him she was frightened of. It was the implications of sharing a room.

Children .

The conversation that they had just had with the previous owners replayed in her head, and she quickly turned away from Matthew, trying to think of anything that she could say besides answering him.

"Diana?"

"There is a great deal to do now. We will need to arrange for everything in the other house to be transported here. The furniture and other things. And I should set about getting the curtains and decorations."

"Diana, you have not answered my question."

"Have you asked a question?" she replied, trying to feign indifference, but she knew she could not fool him.

"Would you like to share a room now that we have a new home?"

"Oh, well, there are a great many things to consider, like furniture and?—"

"Diana." His voice was sharper this time than it had been in a long while. It was obvious that he knew she was avoiding the question, though he did not know why. "What is it that you do not like about us sharing a room? We are married now—it is expected of us."

"It is of no consequence to me," she replied, again feigning indifference.

"You will need to be honest with me, Diana. I will not stand for this behavior."

"You will not stand for what behavior?" she retorted, staring at him with a hard expression on her face.

"Why do you wish to avoid sharing a room with me?"

"There is nothing to discuss."

But he would not let it go, and she felt her temper grow shorter and shorter as she tried to push away the thoughts of children. What it would mean for her to have them. How it would change everything yet again.

"You will answer me," Matthew ordered, and Diana could not hold back anymore.

"I do not know that I wish to be a mother!" she all but shouted.

"I beg your pardon?" He was… confused, staring at her in wonder.

"I do not know that I wish to be a mother," she repeated, though slightly more calm and collected this time.

"But of course, you will be a mother," he replied, as though that were the silliest thing she could possibly have said.

"It is not a guarantee. If I do not wish to be a mother, there are ways to avoid it."

"One being not sharing a room with me," Matthew answered, and she simply inclined her head. "You did not think that you should share these thoughts with me?"

"I did not know that I had these thoughts!" she cried out. "Before you, I had never wished to be a wife. Had never expected it to happen. And then you came and changed all of that. And now you wish to change everything yet again. To make me a mother… to take away all sense of myself in this new change… Just as I am starting to understand who I truly am, just as I am starting to feel freedom, you wish to strip me of all of my individuality and all that makes me who I am!"

"If you had no wish to become a mother, it is something you should have told me before we got married. It is an important thing to consider."

"You had no desire to get to know the woman to whom you would be married before our wedding. What need was there for sharing anything about myself with you?"

"A duke is expected to have an heir," Matthew retorted. "If you had no intention of providing me with an heir, you should have informed me of that immediately."

His voice was sharp and hard. His expression closed off. And she knew that any rapport and any goodwill that they had built up over the last several weeks had immediately vanished.

He stood at a distance from her, his back ramrod-straight.

"If you had known that I was unsure of having children, would you have married me?" She asked, raising her head.

"No," he replied abruptly.

Diana felt her heart squeeze painfully in her chest. It felt like it was breaking as she looked at him. At the expression on his face that she had not seen before. At the way that all of her hopes and dreams seemed to be crashing down around her, and in this very house where she had hoped everything would be so perfect.

Without thinking, she raced out of the room and into the gardens.

There was nothing in the house.

Nowhere for her to go. But in the gardens, lost in the flowers, perhaps she could feel somewhat better.

Though even the beautiful petals and delicate scents of the flowers could do nothing to erase the sting of his rejection and her embarrassment. The fact that Matthew did not want anything to do with her now… it was too much to bear. Just as with her family, her only value was in being a wife and a mother and not in just being herself.

The moment he had said it, he knew he had made a mistake. Knew that it was the wrong thing to say and that he should take it back. But the words would not come out.

Watching the way her face crumpled and tears sprang to her eyes… and then the way she ran out of the room, ran away from him… Something in him had kept him from moving. Kept him from speaking. And he knew exactly what it was.

Even as his heart constricted and he wished with everything in himself that he could take away that pain he had caused her …

His father's voice echoed in his head. He felt the cane hitting his back when he was too kind, too emotional. It was too much to overcome.

This was his punishment for wishing for more. For hoping that he could have a happy future and feel truly alive with this woman rather than suffering a mere existence. This was his punishment for loving her when he should never have allowed himself to do so.

His father would tell him that he deserved it. That this was his punishment for being so foolish as to fall in love. So foolish as to allow any form of emotions in his heart…

But another part of him told him that he was foolish not for loving her, but for speaking so abruptly. For allowing the words to spill out of his mouth without a second thought. For not giving both of them time to think about what they wanted to say and to discuss the situation more calmly.

But in the moment, he had been hurt, and he had been angry. He had been unable to stop himself from speaking, and now…

He feared that things with Diana were damaged beyond repair. The way she had looked at him before she fled…

He walked out of the house, instructing his footman to remain there with the carriage until Diana was ready to return home. He would leave on foot.

And he would not return to either home.