Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Alissa

Igot myself a new coat as a treat, deep seafoam wool, warm enough that when I walked out of the store the cold only reached my face. I was spending that morning happy and full of hope for the first time in so long.

It was mostly Dimitri’s doing—or Gregor’s, rather, now that I had his card. Dimitri was his middle name he used for business. He had given me back all the hope and focus that had drained away while Alan had been wasting my time in a number of ways.

I was still stirred up from seeing Gregor yesterday. When he told me that he was going to make this right, I believed him. I didn’t know yet what we would end up being once all of this was over, I knew I had to tell him about Michelle. I wanted so much to tell him that he was a father, but I was scared he wouldn’t believe me. I wondered if we could all have a future together, maybe it would just be co-parenting or him sending money. But sitting next to him, with his hand cradling mine, had made me realize that I still wanted him more than I might be able to handle.

Once I got home and checked my messages, I spent a couple of hours cleaning and sprucing up Michelle’s room. I had left it exactly as it had been when she had been taken, her favorite purple quilt and matching curtains, stuffies on the bed, her squiggly little drawings proudly posted everywhere. She was coming home. I was sure of it now.

Or did I just want to be sure of it because the man who might be her father was now involved in finding her?

What did I want from Gregor once I had my little girl back? Help supporting her would be great. But he was the one who had ruined me for less skilled lovers. I couldn’t smell his aftershave or look into his eyes or feel his touch without remembering our night together. I’d never been straight up horny for anyone before or since, and the urge to try to lock him down was filling my heart.

Besides, he had to be better around Michelle than someone like Alan. After all, it was thanks to him that I felt the need to factor her life and needs into my decisions again.

My phone rang and I checked caller ID, it was Lorelei.

“Hi,” I answered breezily.

“Hey, just checking in. You sound perky, how did things go with that private investigator?”

Lorelei didn’t know about Gregor, or the one amazing night we had spent together, or that he was my daughter’s father. “Good. He’s optimistic and he seems competent. Told me a little more than I wanted to know about Chicago PD and why they are not actively investigating Michelle’s case.”

There was a snort of derision from my friend. “Overload? Lack of personnel? Policy?”

“Kind of all of the above. They claim that they find so few kids alive after the first year of the investigation that they eventually call it off in favor of fresher cases unless any new leads turn up. The case remains open, but that’s about it.”

“That’s shitty. What about the parents?”

“I got it straight out of Alan’s mouth that they only really care if the parents are rich, famous or well-connected.”

“Well, I don’t think Alan’s attitude is that good a rep for everyone in the CPD.” Lorelei spat out.

I agreed, but Alan’s opinion and attitude were what determined a lot of things about my daughter’s case. “Alan’s the lead investigator. Chances are, his coworkers will go along with anything he decides. Though the timescale thing might be departmental policy, it’s coming up to a year since she was taken.”

“Ugh, that sucks. I’m so glad you’ll be able to afford a private eye now, and that you found a good one.”

“He is a good one.” Or at least a good person, and a confident one too. Something in the way he said things made me believe in him. Not just that he cared, but that he was going to actually get the job done.

I just wished I could think straight around him. No matter how hard I tried, whenever Gregor was around me, part of my brain was stuck in a feverish loop over just how much I wanted him to fuck me again. It was a stupid, primal impulse, like needing to eat or sleep, and despite wanting to focus completely on finding my daughter, I still felt it.

Lorelei’s voice dragged me from my thoughts. “So, have you heard from Alan lately?”

“Not since he picked up his box of stuff. Glad he’s gone. He was getting clingy for a hot second in a way that worried me.”

“What is it with that guy?” Lorelei said, sounding exasperated. “He was the one who called it off right? He’s not starting to hassle you, is he? Are you going to need a protection order or something?”

“Probably not. I’m guessing he was just pissed I couldn’t focus all my energy on him and had a man tantrum. You know how some guys are?”

“You are a saint to put up with all this crap. But the thing about saints is, a lot were martyrs first. I’m so glad you got out,” Lorelei responded.

That made me smile for real. “So am I.”

After a quick catch up about what was going on in her life, we ended the call with a promise to meet up for coffee next week.

I shoved my phone back into my pocket with a sigh. I had a pile of work to do, which was lucky because I needed the distraction. It wasn’t just the whole Alan thing, it was restraining myself from making a fool of myself with Gregor.

I went down to check the mail and came back up with a handful, most of which looked like junk. Then I found a letter from Chicago PD. Just the sight of it made me go cold. I braced myself and opened it, my belly fluttering with sudden tension. I knew what it probably was, but that didn’t make the truth easier to face.

It was the official case suspension notice. They were stopping all work on looking for my daughter due to lack of leads. What a joke. I was a complete amateur and knew there was more information out there that the cops weren’t following up on. Gregor was out chasing it down right now.

Fucking cops. I bet they would still be on the job if I was rich. Hell, Alan might have kept at it if I had kept sleeping with him. Corrupt and useless, all of them.

But Gregor wasn’t. He couldn’t be. I had to trust that I didn’t need the police anymore. That my mystery lover had it all in hand.

***

I had finished all of my work and was making dinner when my phone rang. I wiped off my hands and checked the screen. It was Gregor. I smiled and answered the call.

“I want you to know that I’m looking into the Ivanovs today. They don’t seem to have any criminal ties that I have been able to discover, but they do have a lot of family in the area. With so many missing kids, I’m surprised no one looked into them before.”

“I thought they might be connected, or rich enough to pay a big bribe to the cops,” I admitted as I tucked the phone between my shoulder and ear and gathered a bun and condiments. “That was the only thing I could think of. It’s such an obvious lead, but they just missed it.”

“Never assume malice, when incompetence is far more possible. That and apathy. Cops in Chicago rarely have clean hands or unlined pockets. Those who keep it by the book don’t last very long. There are reasons I’ve always worked in the private sector, and never become a cop.”

“Had you thought about going to the police academy?”

“Once, a long time ago. I was young then, didn’t know how the world actually worked. But we’re living in reality, not in some movie where law enforcement are heroes.” I heard him take a deep breath, then he said, “I’m waiting on about fifty phone calls and it doesn’t matter if I’m in my office when I get them. Do you want me to come over, talk about all of this in person?”

My stomach did a little flip, and I had to take a few breaths before I could answer. I looked around my meager two-room apartment, suddenly embarrassed by its smallness, its poverty. But I had nothing to be ashamed of. If Gregor was the type to judge me for not having much money right now, I would know not to hope for anything long term with him.

“Yeah, sure. Come on over. Have you eaten? I’m just about to grill a hamburger for myself, I can make you one too?”

“Thanks, I just ate so don’t worry about me.”

“Okay,” I gave him the address, unable to remember if I had given it before. “Just dial up when you get here.”

As soon as he hung up, I turned and hastily assembled my dinner and ate it as quickly as possible. Then I rushed around picking up clutter, doing my few dirty dishes, running a comb through my hair, and checking my makeup. I couldn’t help the size of my apartment, but I wanted to be presentable.

It took him about twenty minutes from ending the call to knocking on my door—impressive in Chicago traffic. I checked the camera feed to make sure it was Gregor. He was imposing in a heavy overcoat and boots, both in black. He looked like he was a bodyguard for a Russian attaché, not a private investigator with a modest office. I felt a little weak in the knees as I let him in.

He glanced around as he stepped inside, the apartment seemed almost smaller with his giant form taking up space here. I took his coat and hung it up over my new one while he stood looking around. He didn’t frown, or comment, or give me a pitying look, only smiled and reached out for my hands in his usual greeting.

“How are you holding up?” he asked me kindly, and I smiled.

“Glad to see you. I just wish the circumstances were better,” I said with a little embarrassed laugh.

He nodded, smile fading slightly as he stared thoughtfully at me. “As do I. But we will rectify the problem and get you your daughter back.” He moved to the small couch at my invitation and settled onto it. “I don’t suppose you have any hard liquor? The end of my nose is still frozen from the wind.”

I smiled and went to retrieve the single bottle of scotch that I had, a gift from a friend from last Christmas. I had squirreled it away like a treasure, not wanting to refuse or regift it but knowing I wasn’t about to drink even a drop of it. Alcohol was still about as pleasant as cough syrup to me, and I doubted that would ever get better.

He chuckled when I only brought one glass. “Still not a drinker?”

“Never got the hang of it. I’ve wondered if I have some kind of sensitivity to it or something, but it may just be that I can’t stand the taste.” I smiled awkwardly. “I guess it doesn’t help that I was either pregnant, breastfeeding, or raising a small kid for most of that time.”

Something flickered in his eyes. Uncertainty? Concern? Did he suspect Michelle was his?

I had to clear the air about this. I would have owed him that even if he hadn’t just put himself out there for me financially and in terms of work and personal risk. That meant that now I really needed to let him know the truth.

“You look like you have something to tell me,” he said quietly as I poured his drink. “I’m assuming it’s not about someone gifting you a bottle of Laphroaig.”

“Accountants tend to have well-off clients. Some of them are cheap as hell, some are generous.” I patted the bottle that I couldn’t enjoy. “I keep it for guests.” My chipper tone faltered and died, and I sighed. “Yeah,” I admitted finally. “I do, but I’m not sure how you’re going to take it.”

He smiled at me, the gentleness of his expression appearing a little strange on his craggily handsome face. “Don’t worry about it. I’m not some pig. Even if you pissed me off, I don’t hurt women.”

I wondered if that was a lie or a generalization. I didn’t like the odds of any woman stupid enough to physically attack him or anyone he cared about. “No, it’s just…I feel like telling you this now might put extra pressure on you when it comes to finding Michelle, and that’s probably a bad idea.”

He lifted an eyebrow. “Did you find something new out?”

“No, just something I’ve never really known what to do about. Mostly because I didn’t have any way of reaching you.” My smile probably looked very awkward. “Not that I’m complaining. I know what we agreed to. It’s just—”

“Sit down next to me,” he urged, and I did. His hand settled on my shoulder, and I felt it all through me. “What is it you’re trying to tell me?”

“Look, I don’t have a DNA test to prove it to you, but Michelle is yours.” I sagged slightly, the effort of pushing out those words leaving me emotionally raw. I looked up at him, worried as I wondered what I would see in his eyes.

He stayed calm, and it didn’t feel like the stiff-shouldered fake calm that Alan and my father both used to fill up the room with. It didn’t scare me. I relaxed a tiny bit as he said, “Go on.”

“There was no one after you. Not for a long time, not until after she was born. I swear to God, you’ve pretty much ruined me for mediocre men,” I said nervously. “I just couldn’t bring myself to sleep with anyone for years. It was like I could tell a guy would be selfish in the sack, and I was so turned off that I kept walking away.”

He took a mouthful of his scotch, savoring it for a few seconds before downing it. “Well, I’m very flattered to hear I raised the bar for you.”

Then he winked and I had to cover my mouth with my hand to keep from giggling like an idiot. He dazzled me. I didn’t think it was just the sex either. It was just something about him.

“Well, you did. Which means that by the time I dated anyone for any length of time, Michelle had long since been born.” I had trouble meeting his eyes. “It was…unexpected. I know we used condoms, but Michelle showed up anyway. And now that we’re back in contact, you deserve to know. If you want to do a DNA test, I’ll understand.”

“No. I will eventually when we get her back, but I believe you.” He licked his lips, looking down thoughtfully. I watched the tip of his tongue move and had to squeeze my legs together. “Yet another reason to get her back to you as soon as possible.”

I took a steadying breath. “Once that happens…what then?”

He hesitated. I could tell there was more he wanted to tell me about his feelings, but I didn’t blame him for holding back. We didn’t really know each other well, as much as I wanted to.

“Whatever happens, you and our daughter will be taken care of. As for you and I…you should know that before now, I avoided any long-term relationships.”

“I’m not trying to put any pressure on you,” I said quickly, my heart sinking. I didn’t want him just sticking with me because I was his baby’s mother. I wasn’t trying to trap him. I wanted him to want to be with me.

“No, the pressure is a matter of circumstances and my ethics. You are not manipulating me to put me where you want me—we have a child together, and I’m assuming you chose to keep her thinking we would never meet again.”

“I always expected to take sole responsibility for her,” I agreed. “I’m not the sort of woman who—”

“No, of course not. Besides, I’m very difficult to manipulate. I’m man enough to step up and look after my own child, and the one raising her.” A flick of his eyebrow. “You’re not wishing to use the courts, are you?”

“The only thing that would get me near a courthouse right now would be the chance to sue the Chicago PD for leaving me waiting a year while they screwed up. You and I can work things out once you get her home. I just…look, I do really like you, and I think you’re the hottest man I’ve ever met. And I’d love to have something long term with you, but you just said—”

He chuckled. “This is a lot.”

“Yeah. But my point is, Michelle shouldn’t have to wait on having two parents in her life until you and I figure out if there’s an us.”

“I completely agree. Once I bring her back to you, I’ll introduce myself. We’ll take it from there. Not just the co-parenting, but figuring out you and me.”

I saw his eyes hood, and the gleam in them, and it made me catch my breath. I wasn’t the only one who wanted to take this conversation to the screened-off bed in the corner. He might have been a commitment-phobe and our relationship was in limbo, but my body was too stupid to figure that out.

“Okay.” My voice was shaky. “Well, that went better than expected.”

“We’re both adults,” he replied mildly, but that spark never left his eyes. And when he drank from his glass again, he took those two fingers of sipping scotch in one rough gulp, downing it with a grimace.

I watched him, suddenly worried and self-conscious. Had I pushed too far, suggesting even the possibility that there could be an ‘us’ beyond looking after Michelle together?

He sighed. “The scotch is good, and the company better, but I must go.” When he stood, I stood with him.

“I’ve said something wrong, haven’t I?” I asked before I could stop myself. I hated myself for sounding so weak.

He turned with shocking quickness for a man his size, and gently caught hold of my chin, leaning down to kiss me,  a long, fierce, breath-stealing, thought-destroying kiss that warmed me to my toes. His hand was in my hair pulling me close and I could feel the length of his cock pressing against me, as his body crashed into mine.

“It’s not that at all,” he said as he pulled back.

I stared at him, speechless and dizzy from the kiss.

He smiled. “It’s that if I stay any longer, I’m going to spend the entire night fucking you. And I don’t deserve any space in your bed until I find our daughter.”

Our daughter.

He left, and I watched him go mutely, and it felt like he took my heart with him.