16. Vale

Chapter 16

Vale

X avier’s blood had long since dried on my hands, but I couldn’t let him go.

Idris and I had poured so much magic into him when he fell, and still, he was barely clinging to life. Unlike Selene, death magic clung to him, poisoning him, and I couldn’t fix it.

Neither of us could.

Shivering, I held onto Xavier as the wind whipped my face, the jacket Idris had thrown over my shoulders a paltry barrier to the frigid air. The first rays of dawn crested the horizon, but there was no light to be had in my soul.

“We’re almost there, my Queen,” Rune murmured. “He will make it. Your mates are strong. He will survive this.” His reassurance seemed forced, but he was flying faster than I’d ever seen him fly before, so maybe there was something to it.

Then again, it seemed as if Orrus himself was breathing down our necks, threatening to take him from me. The monastery came into view after we crested the final mountain—the Order of the Ashen Veil was a group of ancient maesters known for healing the worst cases on the continent. Or at least that was the platitude Idris had given me after we climbed on Rune and bolted through the night to Bonefell.

At this point, nothing seemed real.

Not Xavier’s limp body in my arms as we drew closer to the monastery, not the beautiful dawn shining its light on all of us, not anything, and especially not Idris’ words of comfort swearing that Xavier would survive.

Far too slowly, Rune began his descent, his turns careful so we didn't lose our precious cargo. It had been hours, and not once did Xavier’s eyelids flutter, not a single moan of pain, nothing. The only thing that kept me clinging to hope were the thready breaths wheezing through his lungs, but even those were becoming fewer and farther between.

Xavier was dying, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.

Don’t you do it. You can’t have him—do you hear me? You can’t.

By the time the red dragon landed, Xavier’s breaths went from calm and still, to gasping, his body jerking as if he were barely pulling in air.

“ No, no, no ,” I cried, clutching him closer. “Stay with me. Please stay with me. I love you, please.”

The sound that came out of me was that of a dying animal, my wail louder than the wind, louder than my prayers, louder than my world crumbling beneath my feet.

Please, Orrus. Please don’t take him. I’ll do anything. Please.

The only thing louder than my wail was Rune and Kian roaring for entry, the monstrously tall gates to the sanctuary something even the dragons couldn’t bypass. As soon as Idris got the leather belt tying us to Rune’s saddle free, he ripped Xavier from my hold, hauled him over his shoulder, and sprinted to the opening gate.

Clumsily, I clambered off Rune, my legs barely working as I tried to follow. The sand beneath my bare feet scarcely held me up as I tried to hurry, and yet, each step seemed to swallow me up, swallow me whole, steal every ounce of energy I’d clung to and gave me nothing in return.

Just when I thought I couldn’t take another step, Kian was at my side, lifting me off my feet and into his arms as he carried me through the gates. I wished I could say I saw the beautiful architecture or the stunning statues that seemed to line the grand hallways, but I couldn’t. I didn’t see anything but the group of robed maesters surrounding a very still Xavier.

His giant body lay across a fragile cot, his limbs hanging off the edges, and many hands went to work, cutting away his clothes, assessing his wounds. I wanted to hope, but it was too hard. Kian set me on my feet, but my legs barely held me up. I’d willed so much energy into him—so much power—and it hadn’t been good enough.

Idris backed away from the huddle of healers, fresh blood coating his tunic as he put a trembling hand to his mouth, Xavier’s scarlet lifeblood staining his tanned skin red. He returned to us, tucking me into the warmth of his chest.

“You’re freezing,” he murmured, rubbing my arms, but I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t care if I froze to death if it meant Xavier would be okay.

A small woman approached, her hair covered in a white kerchief. In her hands was a bundle of blue cloth—a cloak. Silently, she offered it to me, her gaze not meeting mine but catching on the dried stains on my dress. One would think someone who worked with healers would be more used to the sight of blood, but this poor girl wasn’t.

“A-are you hurt, Miss?” she asked, her voice so soft I barely heard it over the clamoring of the healers.

Was I? My gaze fell to my middle where the worst of the blood was. But none of it was mine. It was all his. Dress torn and soaked through, I guessed I looked like a nightmare, but I couldn’t make myself care. I’d failed to shield him. I’d forced him to let me stay in the fight and look where that had gotten him.

Once again, he’d put himself in danger because of me.

Once again, he’d taken hits meant for me.

And once again, he was bleeding because of me.

I didn’t need a cloak. I didn’t need a gods-be-damned thing except for Xavier to open his icy-blue eyes and tell me he was going to be okay.

Kian took the fabric from her, but his gaze didn’t waiver from Xavier, either.

One of the maesters broke away from the rest, his face a grim mask as he approached us. He dipped his head in Idris’ direction before settling his gaze on me.

“He carries the scent of a mate. I take it that is you, yes?” His impassively cool blue eyes seemed to stare right through me as if he could see all the way down to my soul.

“Yes,” I whispered, unable to force even the slightest bit of air into my lungs.

“You are Luxa, correct? Not a dragon. Your kind is so rare I forget what you smell like. The bond you share, while complete, it is not as strong as it would be if you were a shifter. I take it you tried to save him?”

I nodded, but Idris answered.

“We both did. His body took some of our power, but—” Idris’ voice cracked, cutting off his words.

But Xavier’s body wouldn’t absorb it. It’d taken almost everything I had just to slow the bleeding, and it hadn’t been enough.

“As you know, wounds created by grave magic are difficult to heal. We will do all we can, but your mate’s condition is grim.”

Fury ignited in my bones, filling my whole body with the flames of pure rage. A familiar sword of light formed in my hand, and I lifted it to his throat.

That answer wasn’t good enough.

His impassivity wasn’t good enough.

His lack of faith wasn’t good enough.

We didn’t fly hours to this hole-in-the-wall monastery to get told no. We didn’t risk his life—risk everything—to come here for them to throw up their hands in defeat. My eye twitched as the world continued to churn around us, but this little bubble was nice and still.

“Do you value your life?” I whispered, hot tears filling my eyes as I tried to make him understand just how far I’d go to keep Xavier breathing.

Alarm threaded through his expression before he locked it down. “Yes, I do. I?—”

“Good. That’s very good. I want you to value his life just as much as you value yours,” I ground out through gritted teeth as tears spilled down my cheeks. “Because if he leaves this earth without me, you will follow him. I don’t care what you have to do, you save him, understand?”

Idris curled his fingers around my wrist, gently guiding the blade away from the maester’s throat.

“I understand,” the maester murmured, “but I want you to be prepared. Our magic—it’s dying. We’re dying. We will do all we can, but if I gave you false hope, that would be so much worse than if I just told you the truth.”

My light flickered and died as my heart wrenched in my chest.

“May I suggest you rest in the royal quarters. We will?—”

Violently, I shook my head. “I’m not leaving him. I swore I wouldn’t leave him.”

Kian curled his arm around my middle, and I nearly lost my hold on the last shred of my sanity.

“Easy, little witch.” His voice cracked in the middle, his pain compounding on my own, drowning me under its weight. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”

I tried to dig my feet in, but he swept me up in his arms once again, carrying me when I refused to move. I could have fought him, but I knew Kian would never let me go.

“I’ll stay here,” Idris murmured, his worried gaze meeting mine. “I won’t leave him.”

And as reassuring as that statement was supposed to be, I feared Xavier would leave this world and I wouldn’t be there. He wouldn’t know how much I loved him. He would never know how much I wished it were me instead of him.

Gritting my teeth, I held in a sob as I clung to Kian’s shoulders. I tasted blood by the time we arrived in a grand suite that I hated on sight. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be a rock. I wanted to stand on my own. But one of my mates was dying in a healer’s bed, and I was too far away from him to do anything about it.

As soon as the doors closed, I broke, the sobs stealing my breath as they shattered me into a million pieces. I barely noticed when Kian slid to the bathing chamber floor. All I knew was his warm embrace as the ache in my heart took me over. We clung to each other, holding tight to ride out the storm of emotions that threatened to drown us.

Because it wasn’t just my heart that was breaking. It was Kian’s, it was Idris’, it was Rune’s. Their emotions echoed in my chest, drowning me in their fear, their regret, their sadness. I could barely breathe under the weight of it. But worst of all? It was my own thoughts, my own fear, my own agony that tied the anchor to my ankle and dragged me down.

“I-is Xavier going to die because I’m not a shifter?” I asked the question before I thought better of it. “Is it my fault that he’s here?”

My brain replayed the maester’s words. I wasn’t a shifter or even a powerful enough Luxa to save him. I couldn’t give him what he needed. I wasn't good enough.

Kian gripped my chin, pulling my face to meet his. In his eyes was sadness, yes, but more it was pure fury. “Don’t you ever say that again. Xavier is here because he would rather take the hit a thousand times over than watch you take one for him. Because he would rather save you—save any of us—than stand by when he could have done something. If the roles were reversed, would you want him blaming himself?”

No, but that wasn’t really the issue, now, was it?

“He got hurt because I refused to leave the fight. He's here right now because I wouldn't leave the battle, because I wouldn't let you and Idris go it alone. He's still hurt because I'm not powerful enough to save him, because I don't have enough magic, because I don't know how to use it, because I’ve spent my entire life denying what I was.” I sucked in a shuddering breath. “Xavier is hurt because I was too scared to read a stupid fucking book that would tell me everything I needed to know.”

Kian’s amber irises glowed with fury, and it made sense. I’d been the one to fuck up. If there were anyone he should be mad at, it should be me.

“You know that's not right. This war was set into motion long before you took your first breath. None of this is your fault. None of it. I don’t want to hear you take the blame for so much as a fucking papercut in this war, do you hear me? You might be the cure, but you have never been the cause.”

It didn’t matter how much I wanted those words to be true, they just weren’t. And it didn’t matter how much I wanted to change it, I couldn’t.

The only thing I could do was pick myself up off this floor, get cleaned up, and be at Xavier’s side for whatever happened. It wasn’t much, but?—

“Stop it,” Kian growled, his grip tight on my waist as he clutched me to his chest. “Stop walling yourself off, stop denying the truth, just fucking stop it.” His lip trembled before he hardened his jaw. “I need you to be in this with me—with us. I can’t?—”

He sucked in a breath that made me want to start sobbing all over again. “I can’t do this without you. I need you with me—your emotions, your thoughts, your presence. I have to feel you. Please, I?—”

My mouth was on his before he could say another word. I couldn’t comfort him any other way, but I could kiss him. I could channel all my love, all my hope into him in the only way I had left. Kian’s tongue dueled with mine as he clutched me to his chest tighter, stealing all my breath as he yanked the jacket from my arms.

His talons sliced through the tattered remnants of my dress, shredding the fabric as he had done the day before. Only, this time, it wasn’t my blood he was trying to get rid of but Xavier’s. I ripped at his leathers, freeing him from his pants and positioned his hard cock against my opening.

Kian’s teeth raked the skin of my neck, his touch rougher than it had ever been, but I needed it. His fingers fisted in my hair, pulling my head back as he entered me in a single hard thrust. My breath left me as pleasure stole all sense of reason, all my guilt, every thought, every worry. I knew they’d come back, but for this one shining moment, there was no pain, only love.

Any other time, I’d need to get used to his size, but right then, I welcomed the bite of pain mixed with the ache of need coiling in my belly.

“Gods, you feel so fucking good,” he growled into my skin, the rake of his fangs punctuated by another hard thrust.

I cried out with each one, the pleasure so intense, I wasn’t in control of my body anymore. Somehow Kian twisted, pressing my back to the cold floor as he continued to pound into me. My teeth found the skin of his shoulder, my nails found the skin of his back, and with both, I tore at him as I wrapped my legs around him and hung on.

He groaned into my skin, his teeth cutting into my flesh, and yet, I couldn’t get enough.

It was rough. It was wild. We were two injured animals fighting for dominance, and yet, when my release slammed into me, it took me by surprise.

“That’s it, little witch. Come for me. Give me everything.”

Power surged through my limbs as golden light exploded in the room. Glass shattered, stone hissed and cracked, but I couldn’t stop—not until it ran its course. Pleasure stole my breath, and when his orgasm raced down his spine, curled his toes, and pulled him under with me, it was as if I could feel it in my own body.

Every slide of his skin, every flex of his muscles, every ragged breath in his lungs, it was as if our bodies had merged. There was no him, there was no me.

There was only us.

But the bliss didn’t last as long as I’d wanted it to. The second his mind switched back to the darkness weighing us down, I felt it. Kian slipped from my sex before plucking me from the cold floor.

I avoided looking around, but my destruction was plain as day. The mirror and windows were shattered, the stone floor cracked, the cast iron tub itself was twisted into something unrecognizable.

Kian said nothing as he turned on the water, and together, we showered while I tried very hard not to think about why the water washing down the drain was pink or why my abilities destroyed every breakable thing in this room.

It was only once he’d started drying himself off, did I realize just how drained Kian was. After back-to-back shifts, hours of flying, and a battle, he was just as tired, just as hurt as I was.

He needed food, he needed rest.

But we wouldn’t get that.

After he rounded me up a dress from somewhere and he a set of leathers, we returned to Xavier. Idris paced the small alcove, Kian passed me to him, and Idris held me tight, burying his face in my wet hair as we settled in to wait.

What seemed like an eternity later, the same maester I’d threatened summoned us to his bedside. They’d done all they could, and now it was just another waiting game.

They brought us chairs, and Idris took me with him, settling me on his lap and refusing to let me go. I couldn’t say I blamed him, though, if I didn’t think it would hurt him more, I would have tucked myself in Xavier’s bed.

Exhaustion pulled at every limb, every pore. I didn’t even recall falling asleep.

But when I opened my eyes, I knew I was in a world of hurt.

Because I was now in that dark, desolate place again.

There was no light.

No warmth.

No air.

And this time, I didn’t know if there would be a way out.