20. Conner

20

Conner

I stand back and look at the freshly painted walls in the dining room. A pretty good job if I do say so myself. I grin when I glance at the spot that once held my very bad portrait, but then the smile fades from my face as my mind races back to dinner with my parents, and the thing they told me.

I didn't want to believe them at first, naturally. I don't want to think anything bad about my late brother. Yet, I can't find any other explanation for the box of my things I found in the closet. It raised so many other questions, mainly, is that why he went after Dani?

My heart jumps into my tight throat, and a tortured sound fills the air as I try to process that. Dani once said they barely had sex. Could it be because he only wanted her so I couldn't have her? Did he know I had feelings for her? Jesus, I don't want to believe that and I sure as hell hope Dani doesn't either. There's another part of me, however, and it's strange to think this… I'm so damn superstitious, believing things happen in threes. I've spent years waiting for the ball to drop, and there is this measure of relief in me to think this was it.

Finding out about my brother's betrayal, that had to be the third thing, right? I'd reasoned out the other day that I no longer have anything to worry about. My biggest fear was losing Dani in this situation, and that can't happen now. The third ball had fallen. I'm sure of it. The truth is, we've actually grown closer through all this, and I no longer fear that our relationship is at jeopardy.

I glance at my phone. After a busy day at the day camp, I didn't think I'd get this wall finished before she got home from work. Tonight, I'm headed out with the guys and she's having dinner with the girls. I need to get a shower, and get ready if I don't want to be late.

I quickly clean up, and make my way upstairs to shower. In the main bedroom, I begin to strip off my clothes. I toss my shirt onto the bed, my gaze going to the open closet door. My heart beats a little faster as my gaze settles on the boxes in the closet, and I swallow hard, a part of me wanting to tear into a box, the other part of me wanting nothing at all to do with it.

Forcing myself to turn away, I take one step toward the bathroom and stop. I stand for a good two minutes, my thoughts a chaotic mess as I consider my next move. Do I really want to dig deeper? Hasn't enough damage been done?

Walk away, Conner.

We don't ever have to open those boxes. We can clear the closet out without ever having to know what's inside. With that thought in mind, I step toward the bathroom only to spin around, take three big steps toward the closet and scoop up one of the damn boxes. It's heavy, and it's taped closed. Shifting it in my hand, I carry it to the bed, and drop it onto the new comforter set Dani picked out. My fingers stall as I stare at it.

Nothing good can come of this…

What if something can? What if everyone is wrong and there's something very redeeming in this box. Fuck. Before I can talk myself out of it, I rip into the tape and peel it off. The cover is folded over, so I tug it free, and a measure of relief washes through me, when I find Alec's old college textbooks. Nothing about the stack of textbooks is redeeming. I'm just glad it's not more of my stuff.

I pick one of the books up, and flip through the pages. An envelope falls out, and as I bend to pick it up, and see my name on it, the room closes in on me. "What the hell," I murmur and tentatively grab the corners of the yellowed edges of the envelope. I stare at it for a long moment, the handwriting, especially the wispy curve of the C in my name, letting me know who wrote it.

The room falls silent, the only sound now reaching my ears is paper unfolding, as I open the envelope and pull out the single piece of pink paper inside. I can barely breathe, and my vision is blurry as I begin to read the words—written to me—words that I've never seen before.

The paper shakes in my hands as I read and reread, my brain registering that Dani had written this to me back in high school. Words like: best friends, don't want to ruin friendship, really like you, and meet me later at the café on Ashwood Street if you like me too, jump off the page. My heart is pounding so hard now, I'm sure I'm going to hyperventilate and pass out—because I never did meet her at the local diner that night. I didn't meet her because I had no idea about this letter. To make matters worse, I'd never even brought it up, and how horrible must that have been for her. Especially after the courage it must have taken her for her to write it.

Jesus, I have to tell her about this. I have to let her know I never laid eyes on this letter. If I had…things would have been different. But how…how do I tell her and if I do, will she simply think she's one of the things my brother never wanted, but simply didn't want me to have?

Fuck me.

Downstairs, the door opens and closes and in my moment of panic not knowing what to do, I shove the box back into the closet and fold up the note and put it in my pants. I stand in the doorway, debating my next move.

"Conner, I'm home." I go quiet, my heart pounding. "Conner, are you here?"

I swallow and try for normal. "Up here."

I back up, close her closet door, and pretend to check something on my phone as she steps into the bedroom. "Hey." I lift my head to see her, and she cocks her head, her gaze moving over my face. "Are you okay?"

I smile, and lean down to give her a kiss. "Yeah, just finished painting the dining room." Her eyes go wide. "I'm sorry, I came straight up and didn't notice."

"That's okay." I do my best to come off as playful, and nod toward the bathroom. "Join me?"

She starts unbuttoning her blouse. "I smell like wet dog."

"Oh, is that what that smell is?"

Her small palm lands on my chest. "Funny guy."

I pop the button on my jeans. If I take them off and drop them on the bed, will she see the letter? Fuck. As I struggle to figure out what to do, she goes quiet. "Conner."

"Yeah."

She walks over to the bed, and exhales as she sits, her eyes sliding to the closed closet door. For a second she looks confused. Does she remember leaving it open? Her head slowly lifts, and the lines in her forehead thicken. But the distant look in her eyes clears as she taps the bed, wanting me to join her. I close the distance and sit. She backs up, crosses her legs and I turn to face her.

She reaches for my hands and holds them. "Are you okay?"

Jesus isn't that a loaded question, and the truth is I'm not okay. I'm not okay, and it's not about me. It's about her. But she needs to know. How can I keep this from her? "Dani?—"

"I'm so sorry, Conner. I'm so sorry for the things Alec did, and what you had to hear from your parents on the weekend. I know we haven't talked about it. I wanted to leave you with your own thoughts for a few days—heck, I needed to sort things out myself. I'm just as hurt and confused as you are." She puts her hand on my face. "I think we should talk about this."

She's so right about that.

"Why don't you go first," I suggest.

She briefly closes her eyes. "I have so much to say. Things I've thought about for years, and…" Her lashes flutter and big brown eyes meet mine. "I'm embarrassed."

"Hey." I shift, and cross my legs, sitting across from her. "You never have to be embarrassed with me, you know that, right?"

Her face twists. Jesus, is she holding back tears. "What is it, Dani?"

She sniffs. "I can't believe I'm even going to tell you this." My heart beats a bit faster, worried about where this is going.

"You can tell me anything, you know that."

With the bottom of her shirt, she dabs her eyes and a moment later, she begins. "Growing up, we moved a lot. It was always so hard to make friends." She glances at the closet again. "I always felt like an outsider, like I stuck out in a crowd, because I was…different."

"Different how?"

"You know. Boys just weren't into me, and I always just felt…unattractive, maybe even unlovable."

"Babe, you know that's not true, right?"

She swallows. "You make me feel special. You always have. You've always been such a good friend to me, Conner. Heck…" She glances at her pillow. "Look what you're doing for me now."

"Dani." I'm about to tell her I'm helping her have a baby because I fucking love her, but stop when a sob catches in her throat.

"Alec…" She stops and looks at me, and I clamp my mouth shut. "When he started paying attention to me, I just…I don't know. He was so popular, and older, and then…me." She snorts out a humorless laugh. "I mean why me?" She grabs a tissue and wipes her nose. "I was flattered. All that attention went to my head. For the first time I was someone, you know. People paid attention to me, and I felt important. Not that you didn't make me feel important. We were friends, and Alec, he wanted to be more."

Oh, fuck that, she needs to know exactly who my brother was. "Dani."

"Let me just finish. My behavior…it was juvenile and embarrassing. But for the first time in my life someone loved me. Then, when your parents said those things the other day." She looks away, tears flooding her face. She cries for a long time, and I shift, lean against the headboard and pull her to me. I let her cry it out, and fuck there isn't much I can do about my own tears.

Eventually she pulls away and faces me. "He loved me, right?"

I stare at her, take in the sadness and vulnerability in her eyes, and my heart breaks into a million tiny pieces. How could Alec have done this to her? Used her as a pawn in a game of hatred of me.

"I was…loveable?"

"Of course you are, Dani."

She nods, and glances down. "I just…I thought maybe he only wanted me because…" Her words break off, and she takes a couple of deep, fueling breaths. "You heard what your parents said, and well, you and me. We were…close."

I pinch the bridge of my nose, my throat so tight, it hurts to breathe. If she knew the truth it would fucking kill her. I hate having to defend my brother's actions, but I can't hurt her, I won't.

"He loved you."

"Are you sure?"

"Dani," I whisper, wiping the tears from her face. "I know for a fact that you're loveable."

"How?" she asks, blinking up at me with big hopeful eyes.

"Because, baby, I fucking love you."

She stares at me, her body frozen, all except her eyes, which are moving rapidly over me, gauging me, searching for anything to prove that I'm not telling the truth. Jesus, life and well…my brother…have done a fucking number on her.

"I love you, Dani. Making a baby with you, a family, is what I want. I was reluctant at first. I was worried about my learning disability, and you know you were married to my brother, and that complicated things, but trust me when I tell you this. I love you. You're loveable. I promise you that."

She sobs harder because of the loss and hurt. How must it make her feel to know the man she was married to would do this to his own brother? But what I'm seeing are happy tears that fill my heart with even more love. I brush her hair back and kiss her deeply. While I'm telling her the truth that I do love her, I can't tell her that my brother never did. Nothing good can come from that and we've all been hurt enough.

"Conner…I love you too."

I pull her to me and we hold on to each other like our lives depend on it and in this very moment, I think they do. I inch back and kiss her forehead. "How about we leave the past in the past, and move on with our future?"

She nods. "I like that idea."

"Me too," I tell her, because if we leave all this in the past, it can't hurt us in the future, right?