Twenty-One

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ATTY

It was alla lie thinking I could just pretend my actions don't raise uncomfortable questions inside me. I know it shouldn't matter what Toby's gender is. I'm not sure that it actually matters; certainly not enough to stop seeing him. But it is starting to make me uncomfortable in my own skin for what it means to me.

There are all kinds of questions that I can't help but think about. Especially one that Toby asked—if our parents hadn't pushed me and Marie together, would I have naturally been attracted to men instead? Or maybe also?

But it's more than that, right? It's not just our parents that shaped fifteen years of our lives, but also society. Pressure. Expectations. The ‘normal' is straight and that's really the only way you're raised. It's always—get a wife and have kids; settle down. I've never once heard—find your partner and live a happy life.

There are no gender-neutral expectations.

So am I just a product of my environment? Have I been pre-programmed and brainwashed to be attracted to women?

I suppose on some level it's all me, right? I can't actually be attracted to someone if I'm not physically attracted. Right? Or is it still a mental thing?

There aren't just the questions in line with this thought process, though. Regardless of what conclusion I come to, there's still the bigger elephant in the room—what does this mean for me now? And in the future.

The truth, no matter how you look at it, is that sex with Toby is far better than sex I've had with anyone else. That could mean one of two things—I've always just met mediocre women or men just do it better. Honestly, how would I ever know the answer?

Then again, it could just be Toby himself. Maybe it's just him who does it for me. I suppose that's entirely possible. I guess an easy enough solution would be to find another man to fuck me, right?

I scowl at the thought. Yeah, no thanks.

But my reaction to the idea has me feeling lost all over again. Am I disgusted with the idea of another man or just the idea of not being with Toby?

My sigh is loud and frustrated. It's punctuated by me letting the weights go a little harder than I mean to. Across the room, Wiliker looks my way and I give him an apologetic smile. That was loud enough to cut through the music he has blasting in his ears.

"Hey."

I look up to find Egon stepping into the weight room. He smiles, but then, Egon is always smiling. He's just a happy guy. Not Hugo happy, but I think that level is hard to achieve.

"Hey," I return and get up from the bench to give him a turn. It's kind of unspoken that we end up trading off when we work out together. Not just Egon and me, but Noah, Hugo, and Winslow, too.

Egon adjusts the weights and sits while I wipe the sweat from my forehead and take a swallow of water. Egon goes through a few reps before he asks, "Have you heard any rumors about who's taking Coach Donahue's position?"

Just him asking is basically saying that he knows something. I glance at Wiliker again before stepping closer. "Tell me."

He wants to. The way he's grinning but pressing his lips together says as much. "I can't. I was hoping you'd have heard something so we can talk about it."

"Ugh!"

Egon laughs and concentrates on his leg lifts again for a few minutes before letting the weights fall back to resting position. We trade out and I begin my reps as he talks.

"It's going to be a really good change for the team. He's going to do great things. I'm really excited," Egon says.

I glare at him. "If you're going to tease me, it should be fun for me too."

His laughter makes me smile. There's just something so carefree about it. Not for the first time do I wish that I had even a fraction of Egon's happiness. He'll be the first to tell you he's living his dream, and he wouldn't change a damn thing about his life.

"Can you think of no one that's left their team recently?" Egon asks. "Expand your thoughts to include AHL and ICHL." The way he's looking at me suggests I should know if I paid any attention to sports news. But I don't. We both know that.

He waves me off. "Never mind. But it's a good thing for L.A. I'm sure. And when it's announced, we'll talk because I have so many things to say!"

I chuckle and get up, switching spots with him again. "All right, fine. What're you up to today?" I kind of need a distraction from my circling thoughts.

Egon shakes his head. I watch him as he goes through a couple reps before saying, "Rake only had to go in for a few hours. Then we're going hiking."

"You're going hiking, but you're here for leg day?"

He flashes me a grin. "Never miss leg day."

Rolling my eyes, I laugh. We trade again, and this time I raise the weight, so we're progressing. As I'm concentrating on pushing my body a little more, I imagine that maybe I'm the one who should have plans after this.

Knowing that there's an unread message on my phone makes my stomach clench. The thing is, I saw the notification as I was stepping into the locker room. Wiliker was there. I couldn't very well whip my dick out or bend over and take a picture of my ass for Toby with Wiliker watching. That's a lot of unnecessary questions that I just didn't need.

Yes, I know that's a lot of excuses.

"Egon?"

He turns his attention to me from where he was studying Wiliker. I'm sure that he's debating with himself whether he wants to suggest a different run pattern for Wiliker or not. It's an ongoing debate between them. "Hm?"

"I have kind of a strange and maybe invasive question, if you don't mind."

He gives me an amused look. "Sure."

"Do you consider yourself gay?"

His smile widens. "You sound like Hugo."

Easy enough excuse right there, so I take it as the reason that I'm asking. "You can't always ignore his many questions. Then there are the glaring obvious ones he doesn't think to ask."

Egon grins. "I don't really consider myself anything. It's easier to say I'm gay because I married a man and obviously we do gay sexy things together as one does when they're married." He shrugs. "Otherwise, I don't really claim to be anything."

Not helpful at all.

We don't talk for a minute as we swap places, and he goes through his reps with the new weight. I'm not a fan of his answer. I need something more definitive, an explanation. In theory, Egon should be the perfect person to ask. Though his circumstances were very different, he went through the exact same thing as I am right now.

We grew up straight and BAM! This is a very not straight thing we're doing.

I go through my reps in silence, too. But before I can get up, Egon sits on the bench with me. "That's not the answer you wanted from me, is it?"

I sigh, shaking my head a little.

"I don't find other men attractive, but I think that has more to do with the fact I don't look. I'm happy and completely satisfied, so… I don't know. No one has been hot enough to entice me to look." He leans forward. "But that goes for women too. Not just men. I'm aware the world is filled with gorgeous women and yet I see none of them. It's as if they just don't exist around me."

"Was there a time when you were just beginning to get with him when you thought about it more?"

He gives me a small smile. It's not shy but there's something sad in it. "No but again, it was more about our situation than it was… If it had been different circumstances, I probably would have."

I nod.

"You okay, Atty?"

Dropping my head back, I take a deep breath. "I keep thinking about what Hugo was asking you specifically because in some ways, we grew up with the same life. We were pushed on a specific path and we broke out of it. Obviously differently, but now I'm at a crossroads and I'm not entirely sure I truly know myself."

"Is that why you cut your hair?"

Laughter bubbles up and I nod. "Yes. I threw away everything about my old life so I could start new. Except hockey, but that was always just mine. But yeah. I sold my house just so I could have a place that wasn't dripping with memories. Somewhere that wasn't a temptation for what's always been easy and lazy and just… I didn't have to work for it. I wanted to break free of everything that I've always lived and not shaving has always been a part of that. It seemed like an obvious thing to do as I was shedding the old."

"And you're thinking of trying the gay thing?"

I burst out laughing again, which gains Wiliker's attention. "No, no. I'm not intentionally trying to turn my life completely inside out just so I can get away from my laid-out future."

But… what if I did just that???

The pit that forms in my stomach threatens to make me sick.

"You just turned green, man," Egon says as he watches me intently.

"I…" Fuck, I need some air. "I'll be right back."

I'm on my feet and practically running for the locker room. Standing over the sink, I turn on the tap and let the cold water wash over my head. The blast of ice cuts through my system and I take a deep breath.

That's not what this is about!

I go through the moment I saw Toby for the first time and try to determine whether I'd gone in there looking for something. The way he immediately captivated me wasn't a conscious choice. Not being able to look away wasn't intentional. Not once when he brought me home with him did I think I was doing it to try to erase everything I wanted to leave behind.

It was all about Toby. His hands on me. His mouth on me. The absolutely filthy words coming from his mouth and how they turned me the fuck on like nothing else ever has.

I think that's what keeps tripping me up and leaving me reeling with confusion. I've been with several women. For obvious reasons, Marie much more than anyone else. My body count isn't enormous, but I'm in the double digits, at least.

And no one, no one, has ever made me as hard as Toby. No one has ever gotten me off with such potent pleasure that I felt like I was literally falling through the stars. I've never felt so turned on in my entire life.

What does that mean?!

That's probably the question that has my head so fucking messed up. If I'm straight, I shouldn't feel this way. If I'm just experimenting and curious, it shouldn't feel so fucking good.

If it was just sex, then I might not be so confused. I can explain away good sex. Probably. Honestly, I could probably explain it away that I'm exploring kinks I had no idea I had. I'm confident I could ease my mind with that if it was just about the sex.

But the way Toby makes me feel. How much I want to hear his voice and talk to him. To cuddle with him. How my stomach flutters and my chest heats whenever he texts me.

The way he looks at me.

None of this has anything to do with sex.

"Atty?"

I lift my head and slam it into the faucet. Wincing, I move around it and stand with my hair sopping wet and water showering over me. Egon hands me a towel.

"You okay? Need to see the doctor?"

Shaking my head, I shrug. "Sorry."

"Don't be. What did you eat today?"

I snort and lean against the counter, reaching blindly behind me to turn the water off. "Nothing. I might need to eat something."

"I have some granola bars in my office. Come on."

It's definitely not food related, but I follow, anyway. Once inside, Egon shuts the door and gestures to a chair. I sit as Egon goes through the cabinet and offers me a handful of options. I chuckle and take one. He watches closely as I open it and take a big bite.

When I'm finished, he hands me a bottle of water. Then silently watches me drink it.

"So… want to tell me what's really going on with you?" he prompts.

My laughter isn't for the humor in this situation—there isn't any. It's because I'm fucking tired. Thinking too much is exhausting. "I haven't lied. I really did do everything to get away from that life."

Egon nods. He leans back in his chair. "I'm going to tell you something that I don't share with anyone."

"Okay."

"I always say there was a moment between Rake and me when we both realized how much we needed each other. How deeply our love for the other was. I call it a rough patch and usually skip over it." I nod because I've heard it a few times. "What really happened was Rake got scared about feelings and took off. He basically ghosted me. Just fucking vanished. Not to sound like a pathetic sparkly vampire book and tell you I practically shut down because the boy I loved didn't love me, but… that's what I did. The devastation I felt was so thorough that I landed myself in the hospital. I'd been starving myself without realizing it."

"Jesus, Egon," I mutter.

He nods. "It was a very ugly month. For both of us. I've never felt so fucking broken and unwanted in my entire life. Then Rake came back. He apologized."

"Did he beg? Because I think he should have."

Egon grins but doesn't answer. "It's been a long road to get to where we are now. But we came out knowing one thing for sure—we can't live without each other. This isn't the kind of love that you find more than once in a lifetime. We made a mistake."

"You're generous in saying that you had a hand in that mistake," I say.

He shrugs, still grinning. "My point is… if you've found that love, don't let it get away, Atty. You won't ever find it again."

My breath catches. "I don't love her like that"

Egon rolls his chair closer and squeezes my arm. "I think we both know I wasn't talking about Marie."

It's several minutes before I can catch my breath. Still, I'm not sure what to do with this information. We don't know each other. Toby and I are basically strangers who fuck. We never even say anything important when we do talk about something other than sex.

Yet Egon's words hit me fucking hard. So hard, I think my chest is bruised where they slammed into me.

Fuck, what do I do?!