Seventeen

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ATTY

Hugo livesin a bachelor pad if ever there was one. There's creepy mood lighting in every room, and all the furniture is set up to get close. There are speakers everywhere that he uses to pump in ambient sound. His bedroom is out of a honeymoon magazine—set up to seduce. There are flower boxes outside every window, and he keeps them cracked at night so his house is constantly filled with a floral scent.

Yep, this is Hugo. Man whore and proud of it. He's constantly posting pics of the girls he's brought home. I swear, he's one of those men who makes a tally on his headboard for every girl he fucks.

With bowls and platters and drinks, we gather in the family room and arrange our offerings on the coffee table.

"How many women have you had on the table?" Egon asks and Noah freezes, his gaze snapping to said table.

"Please tell me none," Noah pleads, his face scrunching.

"Where do you and Lix fuck?" Hugo asks.

Noah gives him a look. "Are you really asking me that?" Noah asks.

Hugo shrugs. "I'm just saying—when the mood hits, do you always go to your bedroom? I don't picture you as quite that vanilla."

Noah gives him another scrunched look while I try not to laugh.

"So that means too many to count, right?" Egon asks, dropping onto the couch.

"Not as many as the couch," Hugo teases, making Egon laugh and Noah nearly fall over as he aborts mid-squat toward the couch. Hugo beams at him.

"Is there anywhere safe in this house?" Noah asks.

"No. Is there in yours?"

Noah sighs. He studies the cushions before sitting.

"Girls aren't nearly as messy as guys," Egon tells Noah.

"We really don't need to talk about it," Noah insists.

"We talk about sex all the time," Hugo retorts.

"Gay sex. I'm down with that. Most of the time, I pretend you're talking about guys."

Hugo laughs. "I'm not, but whatever works for you, my dude."

"Relax, Noah. I've seen the bill he pays every month for a cleaner. You could perform surgery on the table," Winslow promises.

Noah releases the tension in his shoulders. "Just so we're clear, I'd be hesitant to sit somewhere that any of you have had sex. Regardless of the gender of your partner."

"I know," Winslow soothes, grinning.

We make our plates and spread around the room, facing Hugo's enormous television. The only thing I can think is that porn is probably larger than life on that thing. I can only imagine what Toby's dick would look like on the screen. Fuck.

"I think we've kept the living room clean," Egon says. I look at him to find he's looking around.

"Really?" Hugo asks. "I find that surprising."

"Why? Do I strike you as someone who can't control themselves?"

Hugo laughs. "No. I imagine Rakesh is someone who would like to break you in on every surface. He has that quiet, fuck around and find out, attitude. And I think you are the fuck around type."

"I'm going to assume you don't mean cheating because I don't do that."

"Oh no," Hugo promises, popping a chip into his mouth. He crunches it for a minute before shrugging. "I mean, bratty. You know, defiant just to be disobedient."

I lick my lips, keeping quiet as I pick through the food on my plate and listen. Pretending my heart doesn't race uncomfortably at the thought of being disobedient. How do you not want to be a good girl?

Egon laughs. "No way. I'm a total baby."

"Like… whiny? Or are we talking age play?"

"Uh… no. Like… I like being spoiled. Taken care of. I'm not bratty."

"Too bad," Hugo says. "I bet Rakesh would be a great Daddy."

Egon tilts his head. "You're talking bedroom daddy, right? I'm not sure he wants kids."

"Do you?" Noah wonders.

Egon shrugs. "I haven't thought about…" he trails off. "Once, I thought I did. But then again, what I wanted then looks very different from my life now."

"In a good way?" Hugo asks.

"Absolutely! In college, I thought I wanted to settle down. Find a girl, get married, have kids, white picket fence and all that shit. As it turns out, I'm shit at choosing a good girl and she'd been cheating on me the entire time."

"Is that what made you gay?" Hugo asks.

"Jesus," Noah mutters, shaking his head.

"I don't mean that as… a bad thing?" Hugo says, looking at Noah with his eyebrows knitted. "Sorry."

Noah just shakes his head further and doesn't respond, concentrating on his food and listening to Egon. Egon is smirking. He's always found Hugo amusing.

"No. That specific incident made me realize I saw Rake differently than just as my tutor, but one doesn't really affect the other, you know?"

"So, then what made you realize you're gay?" Hugo asks. "Can I ask that?"

Egon laughs. "Sure. I don't mind. And I don't know that it was some magical ‘ah ha' moment. Rake was my end all. The person I wanted more than anything. His gender was kind of irrelevant."

"As it should be," Winslow agrees, nodding.

"Are you gay?" Hugo asks, eyes wide.

Noah sighs. I try not to laugh.

Our sweet himbo, Hugo.

Winslow chuckles. "No. But I'd like to think that if I met a man and we developed a connection that I'd be able to look beyond his gender. That's to say if there's ever a time when I actually want companionship in that way. I can't imagine, but I won't say never."

Hugo nods. We're quiet, but I think we're all watching Hugo as he ponders this information.

"So… it never bothered you that he was a guy, then?" Hugo asks, turning his attention back to Egon..

Egon shakes his head. He waits until he's done chewing before answering. "Not really. I mean, I think there were moments when I was a little perplexed by the whole situation, but I'm not sure it was, uh, a physical confusion so much as the entire thing. A lot was going down right then, which drudged up a lot of buried emotions I didn't know I had." He shrugs. "I don't know."

"But, are you gay or do you still like girls, too?"

Egon laughs. "I don't know. I don't really look at anyone else but my husband."

"That's sweet," Hugo coos.

Egon rolls his eyes.

"When did you know you're straight?" Noah asks Hugo.

He looks at Noah in utter confusion. I think the entire room tries not to laugh. "I… guess I just… maybe I was told I was?"

Noah frowns.

"I think that backfired, man," Winslow says to Noah.

"Apparently," Noah agrees.

"I'm not trying to make you upset," Hugo insists. "We can stop talking about it."

Egon bumps Noah's shoulder. "He's really just looking for education, Noah. He's curious."

Noah frowns. After examining Hugo's face for a minute, he says, "I'm sorry. You definitely should keep asking questions. It's easy to be defensive when you're used to being asked in a derisive way."

"I'm not derisive," Hugo says, and I'm confident he doesn't know what that word means.

Noah chuckles. "Sorry, I know. I was being a jerk. Keep asking questions."

"Can I ask you questions?"

"As long as you're not going to ask about my sex life, yes."

We can all see the interest in Hugo's expression. He's like a kid. Tell him no to something and he immediately only wants that. But he behaves. "When did you know you were gay?"

Noah shrugs. "I think I've always known. Coming out was rough. My experience wasn't a good one, but there were out professional hockey players and that kept me going, giving me the strength and confidence to unapologetically keep being me. To be proud that I'm gay."

"That's unfair that you had it rough," Hugo says. "But I'm glad you kept being you and didn't try to be straight instead."

Noah laughs. "It doesn't work that way. You just are what you are. You didn't decide to be straight, did you?"

The shock and confusion on Hugo's face is comical. He shakes his head wildly. "No!"

"Are you straight?" Egon asks.

"Yes!"

"It's okay if you aren't, you know," Winslow says. "We're really not judging you. You're safe to be whoever you are with us."

I nod along with Noah and Egon.

Hugo looks like he's trapped and ready to be trampled. "I like girls. I just do."

"Calm down," Egon soothes, leaning forward and patting his arm. "We're not pushing. You just appear a little… unsure."

Hugo turns his attention to his plate but doesn't eat. Eventually, he heaves a breath. "I'm pretty sure I'm straight," he whispers. "But I haven't thought about it much. Girls are just everywhere and willing."

"And ready to trap you with a child for a piece of your bank account," Winslow says. "Be careful, buddy."

Hugo smiles. "I provide my own protection. Always."

"Good."

"What about you, Atty?" Hugo asks and everyone looks at me.

"I also provide my own protection," I answer, avoiding the real question. My voice was even, right? They can't hear my heart beating like a war drum in the same way I can hear it echoing in my ears, can they?

The four of them laugh. It's too much to hope that they'd let it be.

"Okay, I need to know," Hugo starts, leaning forward. "Are you getting back with Marie?"

A sigh of relief escapes before I can contain it. "No. We were never right for each other."

"She was nice," Hugo says.

"You need a lot more than nice to make a relationship," Noah insists.

"I know. I just meant…" He stares at me and then shrugs. "I don't know what I mean. I'm sorry it didn't work out."

Sweet, innocent Hugo. I smile, inclining my head. "All good. Honestly, it's the lightest I've ever felt now that we've made the decision that we're through."

"For good this time?"

"Hugo," Noah warms.

"It's okay. That's a fair question. Yes, for good this time."

"What will you do now?" Hugo asks.

"He doesn't need a relationship to define himself by," Noah says.

I have a feeling Noah has been through a lot.

"No, I know. I know," Hugo says quickly.

Egon grips Noah's wrist for a minute and Noah sighs. He turns his attention to his plate and keeps it trained there.

"I'm just going to live for a while," I answer. "See what happens."

Thankfully, Hugo accepts that and moves on. He continues to ask Egon questions, since he's the most receptive. Noah's clearly trying to be involved, but I think his past is more tragic than he's said, so being surrounded by acceptance is new for him.

I head to the kitchen after a while to round up the sweets for dessert. We've got every kind of cake in little bite sizes that we could get our hands on. Hugo is trying to convince Winslow that cake is the end all. We're not in agreement, but since we rarely indulge in sweets this much during the season, we were all on board trying to convince him.

Noah joins me after a minute, wordlessly helping me arrange all the sweets. "I wasn't a complete ass, was I?" he asks.

I chuckle. "No. And Hugo has already forgotten if you've made him feel bad."

He winces. "His question sounded like one I've heard my entire life—why did you decide to be gay? Like… fuck's sake."

"You know he didn't mean it like that."

"Oh, I know that. It was a defensive reflex."

"He's fine. We haven't done well shaping his filter because we've never had a need to. You and Egon are new to him, and he's trying to understand. He really doesn't mean anything by it. Hugo truly does want to know. He's as genuine as they come."

Noah nods. "I know. If I didn't think so, I wouldn't hang around him."

I take one tray and move to head back into the living room, but Noah stops me, gripping my arm. I look back. "Are you okay?"

"Yes," I say skeptically. "Why?"

He laughs. "You just looked like you were caught in the headlights for a minute. Then the look of relief was like you found out your cat wasn't dead after all."

I set the tray back down, laughing. "Oh. I just…" My inhale is shaky, and I know Noah doesn't miss it. He's apparently a very keen observer. "There are some things I don't want to talk about right now and they're very closely tied to Marie. It would have been easy for the conversation to move in that direction, is all."

"Ah," he responds, but I don't think he's entirely convinced. "You're okay?"

"Yes. I'm good. Just some new territory for me and I'm coming to terms with it."

It's very clear that he has a lot more questions, but Noah nods. "I think between the lot of us, there's probably someone here who has some advice that might help when you're ready to talk. Or just listen."

"I know. Thanks."

The thing is, more and more conversations keep coming up about this. About sexuality. I swear, it surrounds me now. Everywhere I go, I see or overhear something about it. There are billboards as I drive and posts that pop up in my feed. Ads when I turn on the television.

Don't get me wrong, I'm really glad it's all out there. It's important for it to become normal and not something shameful.

But right now, it feels like the universe is forcing me to face the questions I don't want to. Why can't I just enjoy what I'm doing without thinking about it too hard?

Keeping my focus on the food, I retake my seat. Hugo passes around the cake pieces, instructing us on what ones we're trying first. Silently, I play along.

"Rake would love this one," Egon says. "What's the flavor?"

I stop chewing and find that I can't take a breath. He didn't say anything particularly renowned. Nothing super important or even anything that should trigger a moment in me. And yet, I suddenly feel like I'm free falling.

It's not about sexuality, I decide. Yes, maybe there are things I need to come to terms with there. Aspects of myself I need to understand. But this is far more than that.

I'm not simply free falling. There's something at the end of my fall. Someone.

Toby.

Fuck, I have no idea what I'm doing!