Sixteen

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TOBY

The drivefrom L.A. to Glensdale is nearly seven hours. It's a decently scenic drive during which we either listen to really hot audiobooks or talk. When it's time to head back to L.A. I'll take the train back since we're in Jayse's car.

"You want to talk about the guy yet?" Jayse asks.

It's been almost a week since Jayse decoded that I've been fucking Hector fucking Atlas and didn't know it. To say I felt stupid is an understatement. After Atty left that day, I stared at the pictures of Atty all over the internet and yeah, no. I still don't see that they're the same person.

I know they are. I believe it. Atty did show me his driver's license two days ago because he thought I needed to see it. It's just fucking wild to me. How he can look like an entirely new person just by chopping his hair and shaving. But he does. He's not at all recognizable.

The internet doesn't believe that the one picture that he was tagged in running with his friends is him. I mean, honestly, the original poster is smarter than everyone else. Obviously, evidence supports their claim. Atty's known to jog with that particular group in that specific spot regularly. In fact, they all wear the exact same things, so it always looks like the same photo and paparazzi can't get anywhere with it.

So, yeah. Of course that's Atty. It's not like the four friends he's with constantly would simply replace him. That's just stupid.

"What about him?" I ask.

Have I been tight-lipped over Atty since he came over that day? Entirely. I feel like I'm keeping a secret, even though he hasn't asked me to. I know he's enjoying the anonymity of no one recognizing him and I also know he's struggling—another word he uses is ignoring—what fucking me means for his sexuality and him in general. I'm not going to share our shit with the wide world. Not even my roommates.

Jayse is a different situation, though.

He glances at me with a bemused look. I sigh.

"We met at Medieval Company and have been hooking up since," I say, shrugging. Yep, totally downplayed it all.

"I already know that."

"There's not much more to tell," I hedge.

"When have you started lying to me? I didn't realize that was something we did."

I groan, letting my head fall back. "I don't know what I should say. Atty is… well, private, but this is new for him. Something he's still coming to terms with."

"Is it serious?"

I shrug. "We're just fucking." The words make my heart race uncomfortably. But it's not like we've discussed anything else. At the moment, I think that's the truth.

Even if it feels like a lie.

But it's not! It's not that I'm against relationships, but I'm not really looking for one either. Am I truly in a place in life where I want a relationship?

With a straight man?

This could be experimentation for him. He might meet a girl that the world deems appropriate for a public figure and that would be the end of it.

He could get hit by a car. Might as well add that to the list of ‘could happens' if I'm being ridiculous and paranoid.

"How about the truth now? Why is it like pulling teeth with you all the sudden?" Jayse asks.

I sigh. "Because I don't know what it is," I admit. "We haven't discussed anything at all. As far as I know, we are just fucking, Jayse."

"What about the girlfriend?"

My hackles rise. "She's not his girlfriend," I snap. "They broke up seven months ago."

He doesn't answer. When I look at him, I see his smirk aimed at the road and I know I just revealed a whole lot of my cards.

"Look. I seriously don't have anything other than that to tell you. He's not with Marie. I heard it straight from her too that they're not together and not intending to get back together."

"You talked to her? That's interesting."

I roll my eyes. "I didn't talk to her. I just heard her. Stop prying. I like him. He's sweet and kind and… obeys like a marionette. He's hot as fuck in a dress. And his ass… fuck, Jayse, his ass!" I shake my head. "But I don't know if we're anything other than fuck buddies. I can't even say friends with benefits because that implies we talk about literally anything else other than sex. And we don't."

Also a stretch of the truth at this point. Since the you are Hector Atlas?! freakout confrontation, we have talked more. A lot more. Constantly. We text about things that aren't sex. We talk about friends and hockey and just… random shit.

I love every minute of it.

"Yet you have heard Marie say they're not together," he prompts.

"Because I kind of freaked out when you raised the veil that I'd been fucking Hector fucking Atlas! My IQ might be up there, but fuck if I don't come crumbling down when the floor is ripped out from under me."

Jayse laughs. "Why did you freak out?"

I sigh again. A heavy, exaggerated sound as if he's forcing me into this conversation. Which he is. Asshole.

"Because I thought he was keeping it from me. He gave me a different name and I… my mind just went crazy with different possibilities. I'm cool with a secret fuck buddy, but I want to know it's secret. I'm cool with a straight guy experimenting as long as I can fuck him how I want to. I'm down for a lot of shady shit, but I want to know about it. It felt… like a lie and I was freaked out."

"You're not freaked out anymore. It sounded like you two made up."

I grin. "Good. I'm glad you all heard how well he screams my name. Hot, isn't it?"

Jayse laughs.

"No, I'm not freaked out anymore. Yeah, we talked a little. About that specifically. That's why I heard Marie confirm what he was saying. So… I guess I know some things about him. But it was circumstantial. If it hadn't come up and since then, it's all been sex. So really, there's nothing to tell you."

Yep, now that is totally a lie. I find myself on my phone a lot, texting with him and I can't even deny it. Still, I'm not ready to say anything yet because nothing else I said is untrue. This could still just be a sexy thing for him. He's already admitted his sexuality isn't something he's keen to think about, so it"s entirely possible he'll come to the conclusion that he's straight and this was just experimentation.

"You can tell me how you feel about it. Why you're so defensive over him. Or you can tell me why we stopped at the health center the day after you called him over."

I wince. "Because I fucked up," I mutter, choosing the last thing he said. "I was… distracted and horny and he was so fucking hot and needy and ready to burst and I… lost my fucking mind. So yeah, we decided to get tested."

"You didn't use a condom," he assumes.

"I did," I say defensively, "but after I gave him a facial, I stuck it back in so he'd come on my cock. That's where I didn't use a condom."

He nods. "There are things you can?—"

"You do you, bro. I'm not having this conversation again."

I've noticed that a lot of the adult content creators don't use condoms. I've always thought it was stupid and risky, even with drugs out there preventing some things. Is it really that important to blow your load in someone's ass? Is it worth the risk to your health?

I don't even find it that hot.

The idea of breeding Atty fills my mind and I try to decide if it sounds more appealing with him. Pressing his face into the pillow, his dress hiked up and the skimpy thong moved aside so I can fill his hole, while barely containing his dick. Watching as my load drips out of him.

Is it worth the risk, though?

Sure, it's hot. Would I like to see that? …maybe. Yeah, okay, I would. But I'm not opposed to condoms. I actually like them since they contain the mess.

Not that it contained any of my mess since I seem to have an obsession with painting Atty's face instead. I smirk at the thought.

"And the other things?" Jayse prompts.

I shake my head. "I don't have an answer. We're keeping it casual. Feelings have no place here."

Jayse nods. I'm not dumb enough to think that he's dropped it for good, even if he's letting it rest for a minute. I stare out the window, watching the trees as they go by.

"I think you finally met your match," Jayse says quietly. "Do you know how many times you've fucked the same man as long as you have been Atty since we met?"

"Three? Four?" I say.

"None, Toby. Before this, the longest a guy has lasted in your bed, has kept your attention, is a week. There's always something that turns you off them. What turns you off Atty?"

Nothing. Not a fucking thing. Even trying to come up with something leaves me without an answer. I press my lips together and don't look at Jayse.

"It's not a bad thing, Toby. You're acting like this is the end of the world. This is good."

"Maybe it's not good," I gripe to the window.

"Why do you say that?"

"You're forgetting there are two people involved. It's not just me. This could be nothing to him. I could just be scratching an itch. Answering some questions inside him. Maybe I'm just how he's passing the time until he meets some girl that he falls in love with."

"Yeah, maybe."

My shoulders tense. I hate when he agrees like that.

"For what it's worth, I think you're wrong."

"You don't know him."

"I don't," he agrees. "But I think you do better than you're claiming you do. And I don't think you believe any of that."

The thing is, I don't want to believe it. Jayse is right—Atty's just… he's perfect for me. But there's a very big chance that I'm not for him. There's a chance that even if I am perfect for him, he won't be able to accept this about himself. He won't want to let it out into the world.

I press my forehead to the window. This is why you don't fall for somebody.

* * *

We pullinto the driveway around dinnertime. The last couple hours of the ride were quiet. Grabbing my bag from the back, I lead the way inside.

My bedroom is exactly how I left it. Dropping my bag by the closet, I fall onto my bed and close my eyes. This is always going to be my home. I love it here like nowhere else.

The scent of grilled food fills the air and my stomach growls. I didn't realize I was hungry until now. Still, I remain facedown in my bed.

Minutes pass. Lots of minutes. I feel my bed dip and know Jayse has joined me. His hand moves into my hair.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

Sighing, I turn my face and take a full breath not stifled by the comforter and look at my best friend. "You didn't. I know I need to think about it, but I don't want to. There's a chance I might not like the outcome and it's not something I can control, so I'd rather not think about it."

Jayse gives me a sympathetic smile. "What's the adage—it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?"

I roll my eyes. "That person has never loved and lost," I grumble, scowling.

"I think if you let yourself go and stop holding back, you'll find the future you've always dreamed of is right in front of you."

"You really think so?"

He nods. "Yes. Now, come on. Vulcan is cooking for an army, but those kids of his are still growing and I'm sure they could outeat an army."

I don't know if I'm brave enough to let go of my inhibitions. Maybe if I knew where Atty was. But he's already said he didn't want to think about it. Falling for someone isn't for the faint of heart.

Vulcan is just as shiny and sparkly as I remember. His baby blue pleated skirt falls just above his knees, and he's wearing ruffled socks and boots, the ruffles just peeking out of the boots. His shirt is white, but there are sequins on the front in the shape of a heart. He's also got a headband with a bow in his hair.

He looks at me when we step outside and offers me the biggest smile. "Toby!"

I grin and stop beside him. Vulcan gives the best hugs. I squeeze him tightly and breathe in his fiery scent. He smells like the forge. It's ingrained into his skin at this point.

"This is a cute shirt," I tell him.

His smile is shy. "Watch," he says and wipes his hands over the heart, bringing all the sequins up to reveal ‘princess' on their underside.

"Perfect, V."

I watch as his gaze flickers to where Luca and Orson are sitting at the picnic table. He starts to push the sequins down, but I stop his hand. "I think you should leave it just like this."

He bows his head, but does and turns back to the food on the grill.

When Jayse and I graduated, Vulcan moved in with his guys and we moved into his house. Between working together and living in his house, we became very good friends. Family. Vulcan is, quite frankly, one of the best people I've ever met. Genuinely kind and thoughtful. And incredibly sensitive and soft.

At first, he was a very sad bear. You could just see the heartache radiate off him. It wasn't difficult to figure out why he had such awful luck with men. Thankfully, it wasn't long before he met Luca and now I think he's the most loved man to ever wear pink. He doesn't just have a single man, now. He has four. Which is exactly what he's always needed.

Vulcan's heart is too big for one man. He's got too much love to give, and he deserves more than one man could ever give him. Now he's living his best life. Always with a smile. Truly happy.

After saying hello to his guys and the kids they came with, I sit back and watch Vulcan interact with his family. I've never thought that I was much of a family man. I enjoy his kids being around, but I also appreciate that they go home with him. So I've never admired his family more than being incredibly happy they found him when they did.

I have a new perspective today. A strange longing in my chest. I want to share that kind of look with someone. For someone to smile at me like that. I want to be the one to spoil the fuck out of another man and have them melt in my arms like Vulcan does.

Leaning my head against the side of the house, I sigh. Maybe I'm getting soft in my old age. I'm not ready for this kind of responsibility yet. I'm still exploring life. Sowing my oats or whatever.

Except that… maybe I've met the man of my dreams. The man I can share all this mushy gross stuff with. Now that he's within my grasp, I want it.

The fear that there's a big chance that he doesn't, leaves me breathless.