Chapter 6

~Gabe

It surprised me when Justin brought up Derrick. That"s why I snapped at him. I wasn"t ready.

The way Justin recoiled, I instantly regretted the outburst. He didn"t deserve that. But I can barely breathe through the pain when I think about Derrick. My grief is too raw. I haven"t even started dealing with losing him. I can"t talk about him. I can"t.

Still, it"s not Justin"s fault, but at least he now knows not to broach that subject again. I just wish I could stop wanting to explain myself to him for the way I acted. I keep thinking about it as I lay in bed awake for most of the night. Justin shouldn"t be on my mind this much.

In the morning, I refuse coffee and breakfast and tell Justin I don"t want lunch either. But at lunchtime, I start to reconsider. I feel like I have to make sure he eats though I know I need to stop being so concerned about him.

Paul texts and he wants to come by and see me. My first instinct is to say no. Not because I don"t want to see him. I don"t want him to see Justin. He would have plenty to say about me hiring him and plenty of theories as to why I might have done it, and I don"t want to hear it.

Oh, to hell with it. I"m not about to shrink from his opinions. I tell Paul to come over and I also invite him out to lunch.

"The hermit finally comes out of his cave," Paul quips as he walks in and then his eyes land on Justin and he just stares.

I ignore the staring and introduce them. "This is my ex, Paul. This Justin, my stepbrother and personal assistant."

As Paul keeps eyeing him blankly, Justin offers his hand and pointedly says, "Nice to meet." His words and his tone remind Paul how normal people behave when they"re introduced to someone and he snaps out of it.

"Uh, sorry," Paul chuckles apologetically. "You"re just not what I expected."

Justin looks at me like he"s wondering what I might have been saying about him. Great, Paul is making him paranoid.

"Let"s go and eat. I have to get back to work," I tell Paul.

"Work, right. I guess I"m lucky you"re coming out to have lunch with me at all," Paul says but he keeps glancing at Justin.

"Yes, you are," I tell him.

"Do I have Justin to thank for that?" he says with a smirk.

"I have nothing to do with it," Justin says a little tersely. Since Paul was smirking at him in an insinuating way, I don"t blame him for giving a little attitude.

"Is Justin hungry? Maybe he"d like to join us," Paul says.

"He"s free to come along if he wants," I say though I"d rather he didn"t.

Paul frowns at me. "You know, this is the first time you introduced me as your ex."

He"s right about that. We were never publicly together, but Derrick always thought it was ridiculous that I was in the closet. He told me, "Come out already. Then dump Paul and do it with a whole bunch of guys, party your brains out. You"re a guy still in his twenties. You shouldn"t be working all the time. Start living before it"s too late."

I"m lost in thought and Paul is asking Justin, "So, are you seeing someone?"

"Let"s go, Paul," I say a little too sharply.

"Him too," Paul says and gives Justin a challenging look.

"Whatever," Justin tells him and goes to put on his jacket. I didn"t expect him to want to come along, but I think Paul taunted him into it somehow.

Once we sit down to eat at Arlo"s, Paul launches into talk that"s equal parts business and gossip. He"s an antiques broker and going on an extended business trip. He"s happy to go on and on about it, and Justin and I are happy to let him monopolize the conversation.

At one point Paul unwisely tries to get Justin to talk about himself, and Justin chooses that moment to excuse himself and head for the restrooms.

"Don"t interrogate him," I tell Paul bluntly.

"I was just..."

"Don"t," I say.

"You"re protective of your new assistant. How interesting."

"It"s not interesting," I tell him but it seems he"s now going to interrogate me.

"Is it because he"s also your stepbrother?" Paul asks and his smirk and his tone get even more insinuating.

"Drop it," I tell him, and he shrugs but his attitude remains unchanged. As long as he doesn"t start up anything with Justin, I don"t care what he thinks.

After Justin returns, Paul says that he"s probably going to the Heller Foundation party. I don"t tell him that I"m going too much less that in an insane moment, I asked Justin to go with me. I imagined how Aunt Brenda would react and that made me invite Justin, but now I wish I hadn"t.

After we"re done with lunch and Paul goes on his way, I take Justin on a stroll down the street. We pass a menswear store with suits in the window and he asks, "Am I still supposed to go with you to that party?"

"You don"t have to. You"d be there as a buffer like you were with Paul today," I tell him.

"I was a buffer?"

"Yes. With you there, he didn"t pester me about how he thought I should be living my life." Paul"s advice wasn"t that different from what Derrick told me to do. Coming out was as far as I could go to follow it. Even the kind of boring party we were going to was too much for me. That"s where Justin would come in. "At the party, you"ll stand between me and unwanted conversations."

Justin nods and gives me a noncommittal "OK."

"Is that a yes to coming with me to the party?" I wonder. If I have doubts about it, Justin might be happy to say no.

"Oh, I didn"t think you were asking," he says. "Isn"t this a job thing?"

I sigh. "You can always say no to anything," I point out though. I didn"t think I needed to tell him that about yet one more thing I was making him do.

"And get fired," Justin states.

"I wouldn"t fire you for that," I say but all this time I have been thinking about getting rid of him but not actually taking any steps to do it.

When I"m looking at him, I don"t want him to go and it"s not just sympathy. Something else about him tugs at me painfully but in a way that makes me not want to let him out of my sight. It makes no sense. It must be because of Derrick, because I didn"t watch out for him and I lost him.

I turn away from Justin and he asks me, "You OK?"

"I"m not. That word hasn"t had any meaning for me since my brother died." I"m being too honest. I feel I owe it to him after the way I acted when he asked about Derrick before. I want to tell him I"m sorry but then I see the look of concern on his face and I get angry all over again. "I"m fine. You don"t need to worry about me," I tell him a little too gruffly.

"Right," he says like he doesn"t believe me and I notice how clear and blue his eyes are and how dark the circles under them are.

I don"t ask him what made him like this. I want to maintain this wall between us, but it makes me worry. If Justin needed help, would he ever come to me?